Christmas in Bethel

Chapter Eighteen

Far too often we are so fearful of failure that we embrace it.

Beth Stilton’s Diary

There was the usual uptick at work. Cyberattacks and crime always increase during the holidays. I was glad to keep busy dealing with other people’s problems. It’s easier to solve problems when you don’t have your own skin in the game. The truth is, I was in excruciating pain. I thought my heart couldn’t be more broken than it already was, but I was very wrong.

Frankie called. I hadn’t talked to her for a while, and she was blown away by all she’d missed. She was completely impressed that J. D. Harper had wanted to date me. She took me out for a drink. I cried. A lot. I could do that with her. In the end she reassured me that I had probably done the right thing. Probably. She invited me to share Thanksgiving with her and her husband, Arlo. I accepted.

I also heard from two of the book club women, Maxine and Pauline, who reached out to see how I was doing—or how Lee and I were doing. Pauline was sad to hear we’d gone our separate ways. She said, “I just really thought that was going to work out like one of his books.” To my surprise, she invited me to join her family for Thanksgiving. I told her that I had accepted another invitation, but I was so very grateful for hers. I really was. I’m sure it would have been as delightful as it was extravagant.

Maxine, on the other hand, was just short of outright giddy. “I guess we’ll have to stop reading his books,” she said.

“Why would you say that?” I asked.

“For him to use you like that, then leave you? What a repulsive man.”

“He’s not repulsive. And why would you assume he left me?” I asked.

“Because only a fool would leave him. And you’re not a fool.” She paused, then said, “Are you?” Then she asked, “You wouldn’t still have his phone number, would you?”

Monday morning, I was still in my yoga pants and T-shirt when my doorbell rang. I figured it was the UPS man with my supplements. It wasn’t. Lee was standing in my doorway.

“May I come in?” he asked.

I was still stunned by his presence and didn’t answer.

“Please. It’s a little cold.”

“I’m sorry. Come in.” I stepped back from the door.

He walked in, took something from his pocket, and put it on the dining room table. It was the note I left him in the hotel.

“Since you’re not answering my calls, the last communication I had from you was this note, so I thought we should probably start with that. We’ll go one line at a time.” He lifted the note. “?‘My dear Lee.’?” He looked at me. “That part’s okay.”

He continued reading. “?‘How do I tell the most beautiful man I’ve ever met how sorry I am?’?” He looked at me. “To his face. You tell him to his face and let him respond. You let him plead or beg or whatever, but you give him that chance.”

“So, I’m a coward,” I said.

“That you’re not. I think it’s more that you’re a pleaser. And you didn’t want to see me hurt. Am I right?”

I nodded.

“I can forgive that. Next line. ‘Or how grateful I am for all the kindness and love you have shown me.’?”

He looked up. “The answer to that isn’t difficult either. You show your gratitude for kindness and love by giving it back. It’s really that simple. And up until you left this note, you were doing a good job of that. I felt very loved and very appreciated.”

“Next line. ‘You are truly a gift to this world. My gift to you is to free you from me.’ Okay, first part, again, very simple. This isn’t about the world, it’s about two people. It’s about a boy and a girl who are in love. It’s about us. The world be damned.

“Second part, ‘My gift to you is to free you from me.’?” He looked up. “This line is very confusing. If I understand this correctly, your gift to me is to take yourself away from me? That literally makes no sense. But putting that aside, since you gave me back the gifts I gave you, I likewise give you back your gift, and unfree myself from you. So, here I am.”

I thought that was pretty brilliant.

“Next line. ‘I know me. You deserve better.’?” He shook his head. “Two points here. First, I don’t think you know yourself at all. I think you know a lot of what some other people told you about yourself, and you foolishly believed them. Because the Beth I know is warm, beautiful, and generous and, with the exception of my broken heart, wouldn’t hurt a soul.

“Second part, no one, except for me, can decide what I deserve. Not you. Not anyone.”

“All right. Last line. ‘Love, Beth.’ This line is okay too. But only if it’s true.” He looked me in the eyes. “Is it true? Do you love me?”

My eyes welled up with tears. I nodded.

“Then why did you leave me?”

I was quiet for a long time, then I said, “The woman you saw last Friday wasn’t sick. She’s broken. I had a flashback at the Rockettes. I felt myself being abused by my stepfather. Then my body shut down. I was in a full-scale panic attack.” I looked into his eyes. “I know I act strong, but I’m not. And I knew that once you discovered who I really am, you wouldn’t like me anymore. I wouldn’t be able to take that.”

“You thought it might break, so you broke it first.”

I nodded.

“But it wasn’t breaking.”

“It will. It always does. But especially with us.”

“Why especially with us?”

“It’s obvious. You’re J. D. Harper. I’m nothing. I’m garbage.”

His eyes flashed. “Don’t ever say that again.”

“If you knew how deep my brokenness really is, you would turn and run.”

For what seemed a long time he just stared at me, his expression wavering between sadness and anger. Then he said, “I want to show you something.” He took off his shirt. Then, holding his shirt in his hands he said, “Do you remember when we first met, you asked if I had any tattoos? I told you mine were more of a… brand.” He slowly turned around.

I gasped. His entire back was deeply scarred. He looked as if he’d fallen in a fire.

“What happened?”

He turned back around. “The mother who did this to me said I should tell anyone who asked that I fell asleep on a radiator.” He put his shirt back on. “You’re not the only one who’s had a hard life, Beth, or is deeply broken.

“You said there are younger and prettier women out there, but do you think I would fit with someone who has never known real pain? That I could be intimate with someone whose idea of suffering is slow internet or a broken fingernail?

“It’s that very brokenness you’re afraid of showing me that drew me to you. And sometimes, when two broken people come together, those jagged pieces just fit. That’s what Bethel was about. That’s why it spoke to you. It was about two people finding light in the darkest of moments. It’s about hope.

“I don’t know the future. Maybe we’re a match, maybe we’re not. Maybe it will be you who decides I’ve got too much baggage to live with. Or just too many scars. Because some of the worst scars I carry, you can’t see.

“But after I left you that first time, I felt something different, a feeling I didn’t recognize. Then I realized what it was. I felt homesick. I was literally pining for you.

“Carlie said it was nothing, that you were just another beautiful fan, and I’ve been on the road too long. She said I’d get over it by the next tour city.”

“I knew I didn’t trust her,” I said.

“Well, she was wrong, because it just got worse. Your face was graffitied all over my brain like a New York subway.”

I suddenly laughed. He smiled. “It was that bad. I’m on national television, and all I could think about was you.”

“You were really thinking of me?”

“I really was.”

I put my head down so he wouldn’t see my eyes welling with tears.

“Beth, I didn’t come just to talk to you. I came to bring you back with me. I’d love to make this your moment when the sun finally shines. But only you can decide if you’re going to open your arms and embrace it or run from it because it might not last. No one can make that decision but you.

“Just consider that maybe this is also my moment of sunlight. That I’m the lucky one. Because that’s what it feels like to me. Since I met you, it’s like the clouds parted.

“Please, Beth. Trust me. Give me a chance. Give us a chance. We’ve both suffered enough. Come back to the Cape with me.” He gently put his hand on my chin and lifted my face until he looked directly into my eyes. “Say yes.”

I met his gaze, then brought my mouth to his. When we broke the kiss at last, all I said was, “Yes.”