Christmas With Kris Kringle

Chapter 22

Celeste was restless, eyeing the various faces that passed by our table.

“The faster you eat, the faster we can do some retail therapy.” Normally she ate her food relatively quickly, but today she was savoring every french fry. Dipping each fry in a pepper and salt mix before swirling it in ketchup and slowly chewing.

Sitting in silence only gave way to me second guessing myself. Did I overreact? Should I have given Kris the chance to explain? Was I really okay with just walking away? And if I wanted to fix it, could I just return to the Kringle home and pretend none of this happened? I’d listened to Kris’s phone calls, which mostly consisted of him saying how sorry he was over and over. I was sorry too.

The night before, I fell asleep while seriously considering if we should name our first son Kristoff Kringle, Jr. And less than twenty-four hours later, I was toying with the idea of never speaking to the father of my imaginary kids again. But in my defense, we’d agreed no more secrets, granted I rarely ever had any earth shattering news to share, but still we’d both agreed.

He knew then he would be moving to California. That would have been the opportune moment to bring up the topic. Did he think introducing me to his family would make it harder for me to walk away? If that’s what he thought, he didn’t know me very well. Walking away from things I really wanted was second nature to me. I’d opted to stay local for college, forgoing my acceptance into NYU. I avoided avocados even though I loved them because they broke me out in hives. No avocado toast for me, although I imagine it’s delicious.

My feelings for Kris were strong and the possibilities seemed endless with him. But I wasn’t moving to California. And it was shitty of him to get me comfortable with having him around and making my body melt like cheese all warm and gooey, only to move damn near two thousand miles away.

Celeste held a french fry midair, a broad smile accentuating her round cheeks.

“What?”

“Don’t be mad at me.”

“I could never be mad at you.”

Her body finally relaxed for the first time in the past thirty minutes as she pointed to something behind me. I turned to find Kris with his hands in his pockets and his normally square shoulders rounded into a heap. Next to Kris were Irene and Rayna, most likely in tow for moral support. How’d he find me? Maybe that was a stupid question, he was a tech guy for all I knew he could have triangulated my position using cell towers and simple math. Great, not only was he a liar, he was also stalking me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Ahh—”

“That’s why I asked you not to be mad. I called him.”

I pushed back from the table, standing. “You what?” When we were at the airport, Kris gave her his number so she could call either him or me if we got separated. I guess she was just following instructions.

“You like Kris and he likes you. And you’re being stupid.”

My head jerked back at the stupid label. “I am not.”

“Can you two just talk? You never want to talk. You refused to talk to Aiden.”

Aiden cheated. A fact I hadn’t shared with her. For Celeste everything was black or white, right or wrong, good and bad. Unfortunately, relationships were more nuanced than that. But she was right. I didn’t talk to Aiden because he betrayed my trust and after some reflection it became clear his love came with conditions. Kris wasn’t Aiden, so why was I treating him like he was? He deserved a chance to explain, and I was owed the truth. I may not like what he had to say. And it would probably fix nothing … but still. Rolling my shoulders away from my ears, I relented. “Okay, I’ll listen.”

Irene reached for Celeste’s hand. “We’ll look after Celeste while you two talk.”

I offered Irene and Rayna a smile of gratitude.

“Do you want to head that way to try to get away from the crowd?” Kris pointed left.

“Sure.” Turning to Celeste, I assured her I wouldn’t be gone long before walking away from the food court. We moved through the mall in silence past shoppers who were having a much better day than either one of us. Kris who was usually all smiles and could find the levity in the most solemn of moments, wore a grieved expression. “Bringing your mother wasn’t really fair.”

He nodded. “My mom is mostly here to drive me home after you break my heart.”

I slowed my stride, stopping in front of the unmanned Christmas display. The Santa chair was vacant, and the workshop was dark. But the tree stood tall, illuminated as a beacon of refuge. “Break your heart? I’ve been nothing but one hundred percent with you. Can you say the same?” I pinned my arms over my chest, preparing myself for the bullshit.

“I’ve always been real when it comes to how I feel about you.”

“You just lied about everything else.”

The corner of his eyes twitched, he didn’t like being called out. “I understand how it could feel that way.”

“Feelings are subjective. It’s not a feeling when it’s backed by truth.”

“I never expected Matt to bring up LA.”

A sputtering laugh almost choked me. “I’m sure you didn’t.”

“It was a conversation I had every intention of having. But Christmas with my family didn’t feel like the right time.”

“What about any of the other days before that? Was that all bad timing too?”

“I’m not trying to excuse my fuck up. I should’ve told you the minute I knew I wanted more.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because I was afraid you’d pump the brakes. New relationships are hard without the complication of distance. I hoped that if you got a chance to get to know me, when I had to leave, you’d trust my intentions were sincere.”

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. If he’d led with him moving in a month, that would’ve been a non-starter for me and I would never have gotten to experience this kind, smart, and funny man. “You wanted a chance to explain, so explain. Why are you moving to California?”

“First off I’m not moving to California. But I do have a long-term project in LA that will demand a lot of my time.”

“And the open-ended plane ticket to Los Angeles? Were you hoping I’d abandoned everything and Celeste to be with you?”

There was a stubborn tilt to his jaw. “Are you going to let me explain, or are you just going to accuse me of shit?”

I tossed my hands into the air, feeling hopeless. “I told you we weren’t compatible. I told you we didn’t want the same things.” If he’d just listened. Shoot if I’d listened to the little voice in the back of my head warning me Kris had itchy feet and eventually he’d want to move on to the next adventure. This was supposed to be a fling, not some sappy Hallmark love story.

“All indications have proven that to be a lie.” A hint of a smile shadowed his features. “You and I fit. As hard as you tried to fight it … we just do.”

Since my mother’s passing, all I ever wanted was to belong. I’d always felt like an outsider. I didn’t have a mom who could teach me how to apply eyeshadow so that I didn’t look like a raccoon and I had to talk about boys with my dad. Don’t get me wrong, he was great, but there was still a void he couldn’t fill. And then when he died the void grew bigger into a damn near bottomless pit.

I filled that pit with work, volunteering, busy tasks that kept my mind occupied. But without fail, from November twenty-fourth to January first, the loneliness was so pronounced all I could muster was going through the motions. Moving through the days and weeks, but not truly living. All that changed because Kris made me feel again and made me yearn for connections bigger than just Celeste and I. The thought of having that all snatched away left me cold.

I took a deep breath, it was now or never. If I wanted any type of closure, I had to be honest about where I saw this relationship going. “The brief time I got to spend with your family … to be with a family who genuinely loves one another. The inside jokes, the routine, the sibling fighting, this was the best Christmas I’ve had in a long while. And getting to know your family allowed me to understand you better and I’m thankful for that. I want to be with you Kris … in Minneapolis. I’m tied to that city. That’s my home.”

“I want that too. Whether it be Minneapolis one month or California the next.”

“Are you suggesting a long-distance relationship?”

“Yes and no.”

I massaged the bridge of my nose. “Could you stop talking in gotdamn riddles and rhymes?”

Kris nodded and his next words matched the urgency of the moment. “It’s a temporary change of address. I’ll be calling both cities home for the next year. I’ve been planning on building a youth center focused on STEM. It’s something I’m passionate about. And I think all kids should have access to education outside of the traditional reading, writing, and arithmetic.” He claimed my hand, giving it a squeeze before pulling me slightly closer. “I want to give back and to get this project off the ground, I need to be visible in the city … make myself a fixture.”

His goal was admirable. I knew how beneficial programs like that could be. Celeste was living proof. My heart swelled at the thought of him being able to do something that clearly meant so much to him. And maybe if it was a different point in time or I was a less jaded person, we could make this work.

“Three months, a year, forever. Doesn’t matter, I don’t do long distance, it never works.”

Kris stared at the Christmas tree, and it reminded me of our first meeting at a tree similar to this, back then we were strangers. Weeks had passed and although we knew each other so much better, we were still at odds. He scrubbed his face several times while I looked on, part of me hoping he’d tell me I was wrong. That we could beat the odds.

“I’m sorry you’ve been hurt because of me. I hope you know that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I should have told you sooner and frankly, it was selfish of me not to because I was afraid of losing you. But for all my good intentions, we’ve ended right in the place I was hoping to avoid.”

Was I okay with losing Kris? With never having him in my life, even if that meant we were only friends. I didn’t get many opportunities to share myself and life with someone new. There weren’t many people I cared to get to know deeper. Kris was an exception and these past few weeks with him had been exceptional.

Kris continued to talk to the twinkling tree in front of us, unable to meet my eyes. Was his chest just as heavy as mine? Did his throat constrict and feel raw with emotion that crept upward? “I don’t want to persuade you to give this a shot. I want you to want this because you want me. One thing love isn’t is convenient. It never comes at the right time and more often than not it ends too soon. But like I said weeks ago, the time I’ve spent loving you was worth it. I’d do it all over again even if it meant it ended here every single time.”

I wouldn’t change a thing either. Getting to know Kris had been such a pleasant surprise in a life, that before him, had been routine and predictable. This relationship, no matter how brief, changed me and taught me that taking a chance could lead to new adventures.

“Shit works if we make it work. To be with you, I’m willing to put in the damn overtime. Because for me you’re worth it. The way you make me feel, the dreams you inspire. I love you, Belen. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Mayday, mayday I’m going down. My knees became unreliable, turning to mush. “How do we make it work?” I whispered.

Kris faced me, sensing a ray of hope. “We trust each other. I think we are stronger than a few thousand miles.”

Even now with the fear of losing him, I trusted Kris with my life. I knew without a doubt he had my back and would do anything in his power to keep me and Celeste safe and protected. “Worse case scenario?”

“Worst case? We try and it doesn’t work. Worst case. We get past the year together and build memories and purchase a couch and then it all falls apart. Worse case, we get married have a few kids, create a life and then time, experience, conflict impacts us in ways we can’t imagine and so we divorce. Worst case scenario. We live happily ever after until one of us dies and are left alone to grieve the life that was lost or celebrate the life that was lived.”

Tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to be loved by this man for as long as God would allow. Whether that time be long or short, it was an investment I was willing to make. Even if that meant I left the relationship years from now emotionally wrecked from fighting for us and our love. “Strangely enough I would take every single one of those scenarios.”

“I’ll be honest, before meeting you, Minneapolis was just a place where I kept my stuff. I was always looking for the next best thing. The next big payday, the next great adventure. But that was because I didn’t have anything special to come home to … but now I do. You make me want to plant roots. Roots so deeply interwoven into the soil it would take an act of God to uproot them.”

“Kris, I don’t want you to settle for me. Or live small when you are meant to live big. That isn’t fair to either of us.”

He cupped my face in his hands, his thumb running back and forth over my cheek. “I’m not settling, I’m making a choice. Instead of choosing me, I’m choosing us, because us … makes me happy.”

An infusion of warmth surged through my body. I sucked in my lower lip to keep it from trembling.

“California is temporary, and I have it all figured out. I can fly in and out each week … be home in time for dinner with you and Celeste on Friday nights. I’ll fly back to Cali early Monday morning. Some weekends you and Celeste can come see me. It’s not going to be easy, but it is workable. We could video chat every night. Shit I’ll write you love letters if you want, just don’t dump me.”

“One year?” I searched his face, hoping his optimism was infectious.

“Before you know it, we’ll be back in Canada celebrating Christmas again.” His eyes told me all I needed to know. That same look was present the first time he kissed me. His brown clear eyes bore unwavering confidence, like he’d never been more sure of anything in his whole life.

“Celeste shouldn’t have called you. But I’m glad she did.” Resting on my tiptoes, I threw my arms around his neck. My ordinary little life had been turned on its head. I’d gone from Bah Humbug to Merry Christmas to you and yours in a matter of weeks. I finally felt ready to heal from the wounds of Christmas’s past. I’d lost my parents, but I didn’t lose the memories, the laughter, or their unwavering love.

Kris’s strong arms hugged me back, letting me know that we were going to be okay.

“Wordbop of the day,” I said. “Eight letters, three words. Hint, it’s a romantic affirmation.” I kissed his lips. “I…” Pulling away, I whispered the next word over his mouth. “Love.”

Kris dipped me at the waist like a couple from one of those old timey movies finishing my sentence. “You.”