Christmas with the Queen

Chapter 29 Olive

Chapter 29

Olive

London, August 1945

J ack left before sunrise. He dressed in the dark, muttered something about getting home, and awkwardly offered to make me toast before he left.

“It’s fine, Jack,” I whispered. “You don’t have to.”

“I’m sorry, Olive. I really shouldn’t have stayed. I shouldn’t have...”

“Jack. It’s fine. I’m fine. Just go, before Rosie hears you.”

I listened as he crept downstairs, like a thief making his escape.

I lay in bed, my stomach churning at the memory of the night we’d spent together, the way he’d touched me, the way I’d responded. We should never have let it go so far, and yet how delicious it had been. I curled into a ball and squeezed my eyes shut, wincing at the thought of seeing Andrea, Peter, everyone. Would they know? Would they be able to tell? Somewhere in the middle of the night, we’d agreed it was a one-off. A mistake. Jack was with Andrea. I was with Peter.

So why had it felt so right to be with each other?

We couldn’t avoid each other for long. The next week was Rosie’s birthday and the whole group was meeting for a celebration. I couldn’t stop thinking about the night we’d spent together. Things hadn’t gone that far yet with Peter, despite him making several attempts, so it was Jack’s touch I thought about, Jack’s kisses I remembered on my lips, even when it was Peter’s arm draped around my shoulders.

I tried to push it from my mind as the night went on, but when I was coming back from the ladies’ and Jack was on his way to the gents’, it was impossible to avoid each other.

We smiled a little shyly.

“Olive,” he said. “Listen. I wanted you to know that Andrea and I had a heart-to-heart, and, well, we are officially a couple now. I wasn’t sure where things stood between us the other night when you and me—and, well I wouldn’t have, you know, if things had been clearer then. I’m not that kind of guy...” He shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. “What I’m trying to say is, I had a great time with you, but—”

I forced a smile. “It’s all right, Jack. There’s no need to explain. We agreed it was a one-off. A mistake.”

He smiled, showing the dimple in his cheek where I’d kissed him. “You’re so great, Olive. Peter’s a fool if he doesn’t see what he’s got in front of him. If things had been different, before, well... Anyway, I’ll leave it there.”

I laughed to cover my disappointment. “Go to the loo, will you? I’d better get back to the others. And Jack?”

“Yes?”

“Even if the timing was all wrong, I’m not sorry. About what happened.”

He smiled and touched my arm. “How could anyone be sorry about that?”

We never talked about it again. I didn’t even tell Rosie. It was a one-time thing. And although I wished it wasn’t, Jack was with Andrea, and they were happy together, good together although I hated to admit it.

I tried to let Jack go and turned my attention to Peter.

Peter was attractive, but in a different way. He was always the one to come up with a plan, insisting we drive to Brighton for a picnic on the beach, or to Suffolk to taste the scrumpy cider. Peter was like a fever, infectious in the worst way. Rosie wasn’t fond of him, but for once I didn’t care what Rosie thought.

“I’m having fun, Rosie! It’s not like I plan to marry the man. I haven’t even slept with him.”

“Good! And don’t. Have some fun with Peter, but promise me you won’t fall in love with him.”

I promised her, and I meant it.

The truth was, I’d already fallen for someone else.

At first, I put my tiredness down to the after-effects of a virus, and my constant nausea down to a stomach bug that had been going around at work. I couldn’t keep anything down and felt as if I had the most dreadful hangover even when I’d hardly touched a drop. My mother remarked on my gaining weight, but she was always remarking on my gaining weight. Although I had noticed that my skirts were tighter than usual at the waist.

It was Rosie who first made the connection. “Olive, you’re not... you know? Are you?”

“Not what?”

“Pregnant?”

The word pierced my heart. It was every unmarried woman’s worst fear. The greatest shame.

“I can’t be. I’m just a little under the weather.”

“When was your last monthly?”

I shrugged. “You know I’m useless at keeping an eye on all that.” I wasn’t one of those girls who made a note in their diary. My cycle had always been erratic, so I’d given up trying to anticipate it. But Rosie was speaking aloud the nagging doubts and fears I’d been keeping to myself for the last few weeks.

“You should go to the doctor. Just to make sure.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes, Olive. You do.” She reached for my hand. “I’ll come with you.”

I felt so ashamed and afraid as I waited for the doctor to assess my urine sample and for him to feel around my belly and breasts.

“Well, Miss Carter, there’s no doubt about it. You are expecting a baby. Early days. You’re maybe eight weeks along by my estimation.”

His words buzzed like bees in my ears, my mind reeling. I felt as if I was swimming underwater.

“Your parents are aware of this?”

I shook my head.

“Well, the father will do the honorable thing, I’m sure,” he added.

“Yes,” I mumbled. “Of course.”

“And, if not, there are several alternatives.” He handed me a leaflet on a mother and baby home.

I burst into tears.

“There’s no point crying now, Miss Carter. Your condition is easily prevented. Not so easily accepted, it seems.”

“When are you going to tell Peter?” Rosie asked as we made our way home.

I stalled.

She stared at me, eyes wide. “Olive? Peter is the father, isn’t he?”

Another month passed. I knew I couldn’t hide my condition from my parents for much longer, but I couldn’t find the courage to tell them. My mother would be so ashamed. My father, heartbroken. I couldn’t bear to think about the mother and baby home, being hidden away with my shameful secret, but I couldn’t possibly raise a child on my own, and—as Rosie had pointed out plenty of times after I’d told her who the father was—this was Jack’s problem as well as mine.

“You have to tell him, Olive. Jack’s a decent chap. He’ll do the honorable thing, just as the doctor said.”

“But he’s with Andrea and they’re madly in love. You know how they are together. How can I possibly tell him? ‘Oh, hi, Jack. I know you’re with someone else, but—surprise!—I’m having your baby!’”

“Jack and Andrea are a couple, yes, but it’s not like they’re married or anything. Tell him. Before it’s too late.”

I wrestled with it all week, and decided to tell Jack on Thursday evening as soon as I could get him on his own.

But the night went on and on, and still I hadn’t managed to say anything. Rosie kept kicking me under the table and raising her eyebrows at me.

Finally, I grabbed an opportunity while Andrea was deep in conversation with Rosie.

I took a deep breath. “Jack, there’s something I need to tell you. Could we step outside for a moment?”

He smiled at me. “There’s something I need to tell you, too. Actually, something I need to tell everyone. But, you go first.”

I took a sip of my drink. “You go first. It’s fine. We can talk later.”

He stood up and tapped the top of his glass with the end of a spoon. “Can I have everyone’s attention, please?”

Andrea reached for his hand. “Jack, I thought we said...”

He leaned down and kissed her. “I know what we said, but...” He turned to the rest of us. “We have news! Andrea and I are engaged!”

He glanced at me as they were both engulfed by an outpouring of surprise and good wishes.

The room started to spin. My heart thumped in my chest. Engaged? They couldn’t be. Not now. I heard myself offering my congratulations, joining in the clinking of glasses and hugs. Rosie looked at me, even as she offered her own surprise and congratulations. A wave of nausea washed over me, followed by panic and fear. How could I possibly tell him? What did this mean for me, now?

“So, you’re making an honest woman of Andrea, are you, Jack?” Peter said, with a wry smile. “Why now, eh? Is there a baby on the way?”

Rosie batted his arm. “Peter!”

“What? We’re all wondering!”

Andrea laughed and looked embarrassed.

Jack was offended. “Christ, Peter! No, there isn’t a baby on the way—thank God!”

Thank God! I wanted to stand up and scream at him, “ But there is a baby on the way, Jack. It’s too late. You’re going to be a father. ”

“It is possible for two people to agree to get married because they love each other,” he continued. “Not just because it’s the decent thing to do.”

For what felt like hours, the conversation revolved around the engagement news, until I couldn’t bear it any longer and made my excuses to leave.

I somehow managed to congratulate them again as I put on my coat.

“She’s a very lucky lady, Jack,” I said.

“And I’m a very lucky man,” he replied as he reached for Andrea’s hand.

There was nothing else to say.

“You don’t seem yourself tonight, Olive,” he added quietly. “Is everything all right? What was it you wanted to tell me earlier?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Aware that everyone was looking at me, I smiled and planted a big red kiss on his cheek, as I’d done so many other times. “And that’s the last time I’ll ever kiss you, Jack Devereux, you heartbreaker!” I said dramatically, a smile forced on my face. “I hope you and Andrea will be very happy together.”

Everyone laughed at my joke, but I felt as though I’d been stabbed in the heart.