Christmas with the Queen

Chapter 51 Olive

Chapter 51

Olive

M y heart hammered against the fabric of my dress as we left the pub. We crossed the road to a grassy bank that sloped downward and then dropped sharply, becoming a stark, rocky cliff that faced the ocean. Despite the sun overhead, the wind blew off the heaving waves below and whipped around us, tossing my hair into my eyes and biting against my cheeks. I remembered this wind, the raging emotions that had seemed to swirl within me beneath the wild Cornish skies as I’d waited for Lucy to arrive. I remembered everything from being here before: the fear, the isolation, the sense of abandonment and loneliness.

I wanted things to be different now. I wanted Lucy’s life to be different now.

When we stopped, I turned to face Jack. He studied my face as if searching for an answer there.

He reached out, cradling my cheek in his hand. “What is it, Olive? Whatever it is, I promise I’ll help you. Are you sick?”

I shook my head. My stomach lurched with unease, heaving and rolling along with the ocean swell below. I took a deep breath. It was now or never, and never wasn’t an option anymore.

“It’s about Lucy.”

“Is she —”

“She’s well, don’t worry. It’s...” I looked down at my hands, wishing I could change things. “It’s about her father.”

Jack frowned. “Her father?”

My knees shook. My mouth was as dry as a desert.

Jack smiled encouragingly. “Please tell me, Olive. It can’t be as bad as you think. I’m made of strong stuff.”

A gust of wind buffeted us both. I grabbed Jack’s arm to steady myself. “I don’t know how else to say this, Jack. And I’m sorry.” I took another breath and let the words rush out of me. “I’m not a widow. There was never a husband. It’s you, Jack. You’re Lucy’s father.”

The words swirled on the stiff breeze around us, echoing and repeating with the crash of the waves below.

Time seemed to stand still as he stared at me, speechless.

“That night, all those years ago, when we were together... You remember?”

He nodded slowly and ran his hands through his hair as he took a step back from me. “Of course I remember. But... are you sure?”

I nodded. “She’s yours, Jack. There was nobody else. Peter and I never... I was planning to tell you the night you announced that you and Andrea were engaged.”

He stared at me. “Oh, God, Olive. Why didn’t you say something?” He turned to face the ocean.

“How could I? How could I possibly tell you?”

“Did anyone know?”

“I confided in Rosie. And, of course, I couldn’t hide the pregnancy from my parents, though they never knew who the father was. My mother was so ashamed she sent me away here, to stay with her aunt. They wanted me to give the baby up for adoption. I was so confused and alone and afraid, Jack. And then Lucy was born and when she looked at me, I knew I couldn’t bear to spend a day without her. I walked these wild cliffs of Cornwall and felt fortified by the beauty here, strengthened by the love I felt for her. By then, you were married, and I’d lost touch with the group. It was just me and Lucy. It was always just me and Lucy—until then there you were, at Sandringham, of all places.”

I felt nauseous, dizzy with anxiety and yet light-headed with relief. Finally, my secret was out in the open. All the years of dread and worry, of wondering what to do, what to say, whether I should look for him, write to him. In the end, I hadn’t needed to search for him at all. He’d simply walked back into my life, carrying a tray of tea and scones in the queen’s country home. It was unbelievable, and yet, even then, in those first moments of surprise at seeing him again, I’d felt the inevitable pull of fate.

“Say something, Jack. Please.”

He placed his hands on his head and let out a long breath. “I don’t know what to say, Olive.”

“When Lucy was born, she was the image of me. My nose, my lips. There was no trace of her father in her. But I see it now. More and more.” I reached for Jack to touch his face. He recoiled as if burned by a flame.

His face crumpled as shock and disbelief took hold. “Jesus, Olive, why didn’t you tell me? How could you keep this from me? From her! All this lost time with her—with my daughter .”

Tears flowed down my cheeks, unchecked. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jack. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. You and Andrea were so in love and happily married. You’d moved on from whatever we could have had. What good would it have done to ruin your life by telling you I was having your baby? I was afraid you would reject me. Reject us. When my family sent me away to Cornwall, I tried to forget about you and resign myself to life as an unmarried mother. You were happy. So was I, in time. And so was Lucy. And she was what mattered most of all.”

“Ruin my life? What the hell gives you the right to decide what might and might not ruin my life? That was my decision to make, not yours. And since then? You’ve had so many chances to tell me. For years . I’ve spent time with her, Olive! Gotten to know her!”

I grabbed his arm. “Jack. Please, I—”

He held up a hand to stop me and turned to walk away.

“Jack—” His name came out as a sob as I ran after him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I tried to tell you so many times but something always interrupted us. You were grieving for Andrea when we met, and then you went away for so long, and you’ve been so busy with your job at Buckingham Palace, and then the restaurant...”

He turned on the spot. “But none of that matters! Don’t you see? All this time. I can’t...” Tears streamed down his face as the happy laughter and music of the wedding reception leached through the open windows behind us. “Go back inside, Olive,” he said. “I need some time alone.”

All the fight left me. I didn’t want to pretend anymore. “I tried to tell you, Jack. Truly, I did. But, maybe, if I’m honest...”

He threw his hands in the air and laughed hysterically. “There’s more? I thought you’d already been honest?”

“I wanted to be enough. I wanted you to love me for me , not just because of Lucy. I’m so proud of her, and so proud to be her mother, but... it’s so hard. It’s so hard to be everything for her. I just wanted to be Olive again. The girl you danced with, all those years ago.”

He looked at me. “I’m not even sure who you are anymore. Maybe you’re not the person I thought you were—the person I thought I’d fallen in love with.”

“Love?”

“Yes, Olive. Love.”

As I watched him walk away from me, my heart broke into a thousand pieces, and I saw my future walk away with him, too.

I knew he would never forgive me.

And I knew I would never forgive myself.

I’d kept the truth from him for too long. I had found Lucy’s father, and then I’d lost him all over again.