Citrine (Deliverance #3)

58. Eli

58

Eli

I take a moment to get myself under control, annoyed to be thinking about deals when I just had my fucking mind blown.

I shift so I can see his face, and then put myself back into the ridiculous mindset of the man I've decided it's a grand idea to spend the rest of my life with.

" Qué rabia . Kind hands for all the talking. Kind everything else in exchange for the community."

He stares at me for a long moment with his shark eyes. "Deal."

I feel hollow inside, even after getting him to agree to something that I know goes against his nature. I know he's been struggling with even the simplest concept of living in groups or companionship, but what I feel for him just can't be left unsaid.

Or left so transactional.

The culture of Earth has that vibe in romantic relationships and if the universe was going to plop me into a brand-new planet, it damn well should be a change for the better in at least some ways.

"Wroahk. Have you started to understand what love is from all my stories about my padre ?"

I get more of his usual impenetrable stare in response. It's likely too abstract for him.

"How about this… Would you feel bad if I were to die?"

"You aren't allowed to die."

I barely avoid rolling my eyes. "Would you feel bad if I left you?"

"I would track you down and drag you back here until you agreed to never leave again."

I huff out a breath, bubbles rising and obscuring my view for a moment. "What if I was with you, but wouldn't touch you or talk to you?"

"You can talk less if that is what you mean."

" Dios . Just… Los cojones, I can't believe how difficult this always is with you. Forget the deal for a moment. Alright. Imagine this. We are in a little lake together. No one else. Just us. I am sad and won't touch you. Then I leave you. How would you feel? Please, this is important to me."

He stares at me again. I keep my impulse to fill the silence between us at bay with a continual pressure of teeth on my runaway tongue. "Like I lost every territory I have ever claimed and would never find one again. Like I would never again feel the rush of power after winning a hard fight and the sweet taste of first blood afterward."

My eyes are just as full as my heart, adding some salt to the fresh water around us. "That's love, Wroahk. I mean, a very characteristically bloody way of expressing it, but still love. You love me. I love you, too, in my own way. To avoid being sad like I just described, I need to hear it from you."

He shifts me in his hold so I am closer to his face. "I will fight for you until my last breath and provide for you because you can't."

I wait, but the words I need from him don't come. We have a long way to go, but what he said is still huge progress.

But, still… I keep pushing because words are important. They define so much of our lives.

"It goes like this: 'I love you, Eli.' Far fewer words that mean the same thing."

He flicks his tentacle out in a way I've come to understand means disagreement, and my heart sinks.

"No. It doesn't say what I will do for you. It is a word outside my voice that means nothing. I would destroy this world for you. Then I would have to rebuild it with people you can talk to with your endless words so you don't become sad. I will keep myself from ripping your friends into small pieces each and every time they touch you because you say you need it. I will catch the smallest, most difficult to capture food for you and somehow stop myself from cramming it in your mouth for as long as we both live. I will trust you enough to fall asleep with you… someday. I would come pick you up if you were to beach again the moment you floundered. Even if it means I am stuck protecting someone so clearly and hopelessly weak. What would I do if you left me? I would not fight in the next battle when it came, so I would no longer have to feel the empty place where you once were."

My eyes are giant saucers by the end of his long speech and there are tears flowing out into the water. It's the most words I've ever heard from him at a time. Maybe more than he has said in an entire day.

And he's right. Considering how much all of those promises and actions go against his nature, he does love me. Even if the thickheaded octo-man refuses to say it.

And it feels… so good.

My life was shattered at such a young age. No one should have to find out the world is so cruel, so young. Or that safety is an illusion, taken away so easily by the loss of just one person, but now I realize with a start that… the feeling is back. And somehow accomplished by being around easily the most violent person I've ever known or am likely to know.

Sure, the world is dangerous here and we have a long way to go to understand all the things we do and do not like and communicate them. But for the first time since losing my padre I know for certain that I'm with someone who, once he understands my boundaries, even if that is an arduous process sometimes, they will not be crossed.

Not to mention he would destroy anyone who did. My fifteen-year-old self would've never imagined this. It's hard to believe it even now. I hope wherever my padre is he can see me like this. That he knows, as crazy as this might seem, that I feel safe.

The price is having to stay in the water. I'll pay that price and keep paying it. This feeling is worth it.

Wroahk's worth it.

Those dark, impenetrable eyes are staring at me, assessing, wondering what I'm thinking, no doubt. Ready to make another deal. Ugh, that word. Then I think over the words we've been using and kick myself when I realize that it isn't his lack of understanding, but it's because I haven't given him the right concept.

I clear my throat and his eyes sharpen. "We keep talking about deals and agreements, but we've grown past them, haven't we? There isn't a deal, there's respect."

"Respect?"

"Yes. Where we do what the other wants because it makes them feel good and because we know what they don't like and don't want to do that either. That's called respect."

"That is a better word, Eli. There are no deals, there is respect," he says and a weight drops off me, finally making me feel free.

I pull him closer, squeezing him with my many limbs. "We have respect, Wroahk. I'm not going anywhere. No need to talk about empty spaces."

"Good. You would not survive long with those teeth."

I make sure he gets a great view of my useless teeth as I grin maniacally at him. "I love you, too."