Clusterpuck (Vegas Crush #9)

20. It Will Be Okay

20 /

it will be okay

Tripp

Neither of us has spoken in a long while. She’s warm and soft against my side, her head against my chest. I think she’s asleep, but sleep won’t come for me.

We cannot have this baby. For so many reasons, the least of which is the fact that neither of us wants a child. I wrote off the idea of marriage and family a long time ago. Christy ruined me for it all. Now I’m too old, too set in my ways. I’d be a terrible father, and Lila has told me six ways to Sunday how much we don’t match up outside of the bedroom. I don’t need or want this relationship nonsense in my life.

Inside the bedroom is a different story…but look where that led us. And as good as it is, I always have that nagging voice in my head reminding me how pervy and weird it is that I want this woman who is so much younger than I am. The voice that reminds me that she was being born when I was turning into a teen. That I was over thirty when she was graduating high school. My mind can’t let it go, no matter how many times she reminds me that she is, indeed, an adult capable of making her own decisions.

We shouldn’t have a kid together.

We shouldn’t be together.

Still, holding her like this? It feels more right than anything I’ve ever felt.

She never took off her coat, but the way she sleeps, it’s fallen open, a thin tank top beneath, the outline of her nipples, round and relaxed, showing through the thin fabric. It makes my cock stir. I’m still so, so attracted to her. Whatever dark desire I harbored for her for all those years was not extinguished in that hotel room on that snowy night. I feel it, still.

My free hand roams to touch her belly, lightly. We made something together. It’s just cells and blood right now, but given time, it could become something more. Something that is equal parts us. It’s kind of amazing when I think about it.

My hand roams up. I shouldn’t touch, but I can’t help myself. I tease those nipples hard through the fabric of her shirt. She stirs, moaning a bit, arching into my touch. I decide I want to make her come like this, just touching her breasts, which must be very sensitive right now. Her hips move a tiny bit with each stroke of my thumb, with each pinch.

When she opens her eyes, she’s groggy and beautiful and confused, but she kisses me. It’s deep and thorough and long and her hand moves to cup my cock, so damn hard now beneath my jeans.

We shouldn’t do this. We have so much to figure out.

“Stop thinking,” she says, her voice hoarse from sleep. “Make love to me.”

Her command is like flipping on a switch within me. I stand and pick her up, carrying her to the bedroom. I lay her out on the huge bed like a buffet to be enjoyed, stripping her of her coat, her tank top, her leggings. I kiss her pussy through her pink cotton underwear and then get rid of them too. I want her naked and open and bare so I can feast on her body and make her feel good. I want to make her forget for just a little while. I lavish attention on her fucking gorgeous tits with my mouth, my teeth, my tongue. I finger her clit, gently at first, then harder, at her insistence, her own fingers pressing down on mine. She cries out when she comes and looks so beautiful in total abandon beneath me; I don’t ever want to forget how she looks right now.

When she reaches out to touch me, I get with the program and strip quickly. Once my cock is free, she starts stroking the rock-hard length while I kiss her neck, her shoulders, her belly. Her hand wrapped around my cock feels so fucking good I don’t know how I lived all these years without this. I swear there are tears in her eyes, then, and I don’t want to hurt her. I know this now. I do not want to hurt Lila, ever.

She guides me inside and I go so slowly, so carefully. We lock eyes and I just move, her hands on my ass, her fingernails ever-so-slightly digging into my skin. She says, “Deeper,” and so I obey that command too, pushing her back, lifting her legs, pushing in deeper as she moans for more.

I keep this pace, controlled and slow and agonizing, until she comes again, her eyes fluttering like she’s being rebooted. Then, and only then, do I let go, spilling deep inside of her, my forehead against hers, her moans in my ears, her hands on my skin.

This isn’t like fucking. This isn’t some meaningless tryst. This isn’t just getting it out of my system. But I can’t really say that, though, because I don’t really know what it is. For her or for me.

And when I look at her, with those tears still in her eyes, I worry I’ve taken advantage of her.

“Are you okay?” I ask, rolling over to my side. “Did I hurt you?”

“I’m fine,” she says quietly. “It was really good.”

“I’m sorry, I—” Nothing comes out of my mouth. The words allude me and I have to dig deep to find them.

“Tripp?” she asks, her dark eyes peering up at me in the dark, expecting me to finish what I started to say.

It takes me a minute, but then the word explosion rolls out. “I’m sorry you came to talk to me about something serious and I took advantage of you, okay? I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself and I acted like some caveman marking territory. I don’t really feel that way about you. I know you are your own person who makes your own decisions. And I respect you, I do . But I just need you to know that I’m really fucking sorry, Lila.”

“I asked you to make love to me,” she whispers, tracing over the tattoo on my shoulder with her finger like she’s memorizing it. “I wanted you, too. And I’m just as sorry as you are about all of this.”

I pull her close. “What are we going to do?”

She stretches so she can kiss me, but the tears stream down her face again.

“It will be okay,” I say into the dark. I don’t know if I believe it, but she needs to hear it. “We don’t have to make a decision right now. We have a little bit of time. There are options. It will be okay.”

She nods and starts to cry again while I hold her and caress the back of her neck, letting her know without words that I’m here and she’s not alone in this mess we’ve made.

Eventually, she stops crying and her breathing evens out, and I know she’s fallen asleep again. Which is exactly what she needs right now.

This time, I follow her into sleep, safe in my arms, and I realize, with a final conscious thought, that it will be very hard to let go.