Clusterpuck (Vegas Crush #9)

31. He was Waiting for You

31 /

he was waiting for you

Lila

I’m sitting at the edge of the pool, my feet soaking in the cool water. The sun is bright on my face and warm on my skin. And I have spoken to no one, save my grandfather and his nurse, for more than thirty-six hours now. I haven’t looked at my phone. I haven’t answered a call or a text. I haven’t peeked at social media.

It’s been great, honestly.

Laura didn’t say anything after I sent Tripp away at the office on Friday. She had put her hand on my shoulder, which was reassuring, and I expected her to say something. But she didn’t. She just focused on work, sharing a few questions about my budget report. I could have cried; I was so thankful for the distraction from all things baby. All things Tripp Blackburn.

One decision I’ve made for sure in the last thirty-six hours?

I’m having this baby.

I know now why Max wanted me to wait a little longer before deciding whether to terminate or not. The longer baby and I are together, the more I want to know him or her. We’re on this life journey together now. I’m going to be a mom whether I’m ready or not, so I guess I’ll just have to learn how to be one.

And Tripp will be a father whether he chooses to be involved in our lives or not. I know he’ll do what is expected of him legally, and provide support, but he can step away from all the rest if that’s his choice. We could still get an easy annulment. He’d be set free, no longer tied to a woman who forced herself on him. He wouldn’t have to be daddy to a baby he never wanted. Going our separate ways would probably be best for him and me. I mean, he nearly passed out, I think, just waiting to go into the doctor’s appointment. He gripped my hand so tightly during the ultrasound that I thought he might break a bone. Nothing about his behavior screamed excitement over the prospect of being a father.

Maybe I just need a fresh start. If I can get an exit strategy together, I can just do my work at the Crush for the rest of the season and then go home to Toronto to have the baby. My parents will help me out, I’m sure. Maybe my master’s program can be delayed for a semester to help get me settled into motherhood before going on to Ohio. I can still build my own career and find my own way. I’m going to have to.

Oh, and obviously bypass any and all Terry Blackburn fun fests for the rest of my life.

If I’m honest, though, all this thinking about Tripp makes my heart ache just a bit. I have always wanted him in some way. At first, he was like a big brother, a protector. As I got older, there was a pull of…something else. A crush, for sure. Innocent enough. But as I got older, as I understood more about the world, I realized it was want. Lust. I wanted him.

I’m not an aggressive person, especially not sexually. I’m not even that experienced with sex stuff. But my body knew something, felt something, every time he was around. And it wasn’t wrong. The experiences I’ve had with Tripp these past couple of months? Earth shattering. Full. Truth.

Still, if I really think on it, there might be more to it than that. I think I’ve always been half in love with him. One toe in the water, so to speak. I know he’s completely and utterly wrong for me. And vice versa. But he has always been good to me. And at my OB appointment? I know he was nervous, sick even, but he found his way to my side, and he held my hand. And even though I pretended I didn’t notice I saw him take those ultrasound pictures and slip them into his pocket. And when I yelled at him, he didn’t yell back. He wasn’t rude. He didn’t say anything stupid or sexist. Honestly? He just looked…well, really sad .

How it happens, I can’t explain, but suddenly I’m calling Jenn, Tripp’s sister.

“Hey there, Lila Jayne,” she says, sounding out of breath.

“Did I catch you at a bad time? Practice?”

“No, no,” she says. “I literally just came in from a run. Good timing. What’s up?”

“Well, I, um…” I realize I don’t know what I want to say. “I guess I kind of wanted to talk about Tripp.”

“What dumbass thing has he done or said now?” She’s chuckling into the phone.

You have no idea. “I just—well, I realized I’ve had this ridiculous crush on him for all these years, but I don’t really know what kind of man he is.”

“Hmm…Not in any way what I expected when I saw your name pop up on my screen, Lila Jayne. I mean, I guess it should have been, considering the raging lady-boner you have for him all the time.”

“ Lady boner ? Jenn. Yuck.” I make a gagging sound.

“Just sayin’. Okay, what kind of man is my brother? First, are you writing an unauthorized biography or doing a love potion with this information?”

“Uh, no.” I can’t help giggling.

“Great. Well, then, my brother has always been introverted. Like, he was always kind of a loner. Not in a creepy, serial killer way. He just liked listening to music and reading books and whatever. And he played a crap-ton of hockey, which you could probably guess. He grew up around it, of course, like you did. And he was really a natural. Our parents always talk about how small he was when he first got on skates. My mom always says, he was so determined, though …” She laughs at the memory. “My dad asked him about his interest in learning the business side, but he never cared for that. He just wanted to play.”

“I can see that. What do you think he’ll do once he’s done this year? Will he really quit playing?”

Jenn makes a noise. “Hard to tell. We talked about it once last year and he said he really couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Maybe he’ll coach?”

“Does he need to work, do you think?”

“Uh, no. He’s a multi-millionaire. He’s had solid contracts, and he’s got a great investment manager. And he doesn’t spend anything. He’s always lived very frugally. Doesn’t buy expensive cars, except for the one. Doesn’t have an expensive home or properties. His money exists just to make more money.”

“What about his ex? He mentioned he sort of wrote off relationships after things didn’t work out with her.”

“You are writing an unauthorized biography, aren’t you?” Jenn says with a laugh.

“I’m not. I’m just…” I can only sigh, no words at the ready to explain this mess I’m in with her brother.

“In love with my brother?” she asks, all joking gone from her tone.

“Maybe?” I admit. “But I don’t know if he can, or would, ever love me back.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think he could. But that bitch really did do a number on him. It was really early in his pro career. She was a total puck bunny, hanging around the guys a lot when they went out.”

“She sounds great ,” I say, not able to hide the jealousy or judgment or whatever it is from my voice.

“She wasn’t. And Tripp was kind of a blank slate, you know? He wasn’t a people person, so he didn’t know how to recognize when people were genuine. He thought she loved him and really, she just liked saying she was with a pro player. She liked being seen on his arm. No one in the family liked her at all, and when he said he planned to ask her to marry him…well, I thought our mom might actually die of scandal. But then she cheated on him, and he swore off women forever and ever until the end of time.”

“I might, too, if I got my heart broken like that.”

“Well, frankly, I don’t know if he actually loved her. I doubt he really knew what love was, you know? It can easily be confused with lust. He was a young guy with a high-profile career and she was a really pretty hot babe. So, I’m just saying I don’t think his heart was doing all the thinking.”

I’m about to tell my old friend, Tripp’s sister, that maybe this is a theme for him, but she surprises me. “My theory is that he hasn’t been in another relationship since because he was waiting for you.”

I nearly choke. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I just think he was waiting. I think he certainly got his heart broken, but that was like ten years ago and you were too young. So, he waited.”

“Uh…whatever,” I say, unconvinced that could be the case at all. “Is he a good man, Jenn? Is Tripp a good man, or not?”

“He is,” she answers with no hesitation at all. “You know, when I was ready to come out, I was super nervous. Catholic family and all. He was the first person I told. I was sixteen and I was worried my parents would disown me and it was Tripp I told first. And you know what? He was super supportive, and he sat with me while I told our parents.”

Hmm. I did not know that. “What about playing football? Was he supportive of that?”

“Um, he was dubious? I played with guys for the longest time, and I think he thought I’d get hurt or something. I don’t think it was a sexism thing more than a I don’t want to beat this guy up for giving my sister a concussion thing. He’s always been in the stands when the schedules worked, though.”

I sigh loudly. “It’s so weird to know he had this thing for me while I had a thing for him, but we just couldn’t…you know? Our ages are so far apart. But every time I saw him, I’d get butterflies. If he spoke to me, I felt so special. It just never went away. Each year, I’d think, I’m over this crush . I won’t feel anything . But I always did.”

“What’s all this about?” Jenn asks, concern clear in her voice. “You okay, buddy?”

“I’m fine,” I say, trying to hold back the tightening of my throat, the telltale burning in my eyes. “I just have some things to work out.”

“You’re being shady. Quit it.”

“Gayle doing well with the pregnancy? Not long to go, right?”

“Birth plan is ready to roll out, Gayle is getting cankle massages anytime and as often as she wants, and I’m reading books, books, and more books on parenting and child development. I guess we two queens can figure out this mom gig as well as anybody, you know?”

“I totally know, Jenn. You and Gayle will be the best moms a kid could ever have.” I know it’s true, but as the words leave my mouth, I realize that my baby and their baby will be first cousins. It pushes all kinds of emotions at me all in an instant. Cue the waterworks.

“Oh, yeah? That’s sweet of you to say so, Lila Jayne. You can be the indulgent auntie that spoils them and gives ’em too much candy and dumb expensive shit, okay?”

Their literal auntie, too. “Deal.” It’s the only word I can choke out to say to her in response.

“How’s Grandpa Max?”

“Oh…he’s okay. L-lots of physical therapy, but I think he’ll be just f-fine.”

“Are you freaking crying?” she demands.

“Yes. I’m totally crying. But they’re happy tears. You two are my heroes.”

I can’t stop thinking about Tripp. I need to see him, and suddenly, the impulse is utterly overriding everything else. “Hey, I need to run. I want to hear a lot more soon. Can I call you later?”

“Of course. You can call me anytime.”

“Thanks for indulging me. It helped.”

“Well, I still say you’re being shady as fuck, but whatever. I’m always here for you, kid.”

“Thanks, friend.”

I start to hang up, but then I hear her ask, “Hey, Liles?”

“Yeah?”

“Does he still give you butterflies?”

Without hesitation, my answer is, “Yes.”

I’m on my way to my room the minute I hang up with Jenn. The Crush are playing in Anaheim tonight and I need to see him. I pack a bag and run out to the living room to see if I can borrow Max’s SUV. There’s a knowing look on his face when he says yes.

He doesn’t even ask where I’m going.

He doesn’t have to.