Conflicted (Hopeless Blessed #1)

Prologue

MICAH

I shouldn’t be doing this.

The thought repeated in my mind like a broken record.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I paid no attention to it though. Instead, I forced my wings to move faster as I led my unit into Hell.

It would be a risk for any angel to enter Hell. For the Seraphim to be doing it? Heaven’s most elite and deadly unit of archangels?

It was beyond dangerous.

That was nothing compared to the legions racing behind us. As the leader of the Seraphim, I commanded respect. If I asked something of my comrades, they did it. They followed, simply because it was me. It was a position I’d earned through centuries of doing the right thing.

And how was I repaying such a prestigious honour?

By very much not doing the right thing.

Now, you might wonder what the driving force behind me making such a reckless move could be. One that would undoubtedly have me hauled before the higher powers, and possibly even the Holy Creator herself.

It was the same thing behind the majority of foolish decisions.

Love.

I wish I could say this love was a happy one. One that was well received and returned with equal fervour.

But that would be a lie.

The angel I was in love with would never be mine. He belonged to someone else. He always had.

Dimitri had never given me any indication that he returned my affections, but my foolish heart had refused to listen. Refused to see the truth that was right in front of my eyes.

Dimitri was in love with another.

Yet, when he’d called and asked for help, again, I hadn’t hesitated. I never could say no to him.

So there I was, leading my unit straight into a deadly battle, all for a man I would never have. None of them had questioned me, nor had I expected them to. Even if I hadn’t been their leader, Dimitri was a member of our unit, although it had been a long time since it had felt like he was.

Nonetheless, we protected our own, even if that meant going into Hell itself to fight a battle we had no permission to interfere in.

Bloody carnage spread along the banks of the river Styx. Lucifer was battling against an Uprising, and his four sons fought for him, one of whom was Dagon. The demon who had stolen what should’ve been mine.

Ezekiel pulled level with me, his shrewd eyes scanning the mayhem below. “We can’t let the Uprising win. Who knows who will end up on the throne. ”

I grunted my agreement. That would be the reasoning I’d give when I was questioned over our presence here. Better the devil you know was a saying for a reason. At least with Lucifer, we knew what sorts of barbaric and calculated chaos to expect.

It wasn’t like I broke the rules often. Outside of helping Dimitri, I didn’t stick a toe out of line.

But love makes fools of us all.

Scanning the battlefield, I searched for a glimpse of white wings among the legions of black ones. It didn’t take me long to find him. My instincts always knew how to find Dimitri.

I really wished they didn’t.

He was surrounded by demons and ghasts—horrible creatures that were a mix of demons and ghosts. A demon with bright blue hair was battling near him.

Dagon.

Try as I might, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. Not when it was obvious how much he loved Dimitri.

Didn’t mean I had to like him though.

From our position in the sky, I could see that the demons on Dimitri’s side were being herded. They were in danger of being overwhelmed.

“Break the lines,” I barked to the Seraphim. “Give Lucifer’s sons some breathing room.”

The final syllable had barely left my lips before I spotted something horrific.

A higher demon, one with the ability to permanently end other supernaturals, had his sword raised. I could feel his power rising from here.

Both that, and his blade, were aimed at the bright blue head of Dimitri’s lover.

I didn’t think .

I just moved.

Using the lightning coursing through my veins, I teleported through the sky. My weapon was in my hand as I landed in front of Dagon.

The force reverberated up my arm as our blades connected, but I held firm.

I didn’t even give the demon time to look surprised before I ended his eternal life with one sweep of my sword.

Behind me, I heard Dimitri crash into Dagon.

“Thank fuck,” he was sobbing. “Oh, thank fuck.”

“I’m okay,” Dagon responded huskily.

My stomach twisted at their tender exchange. I distracted myself by dispatching another demon who had the nerve to draw too close.

Finally though, I knew I could ignore them no longer. Throwing my shield over us all to keep us safe, I forced myself to face them.

Dimitri had Dagon in his arms, but he pulled back to look at me. “Thank you.”

His words were like an arrow to my heart. Thank you . It was such a simple thing. A kind gesture. Dimitri had always been kind.

Except for the time I’d interfered in his and Dagon’s relationship. To this day, that was my biggest regret. The fracture it had caused between us was something that no good deed would ever repair.

I couldn’t look directly at them. Couldn’t bear to focus on the reminder of what I’d never have. “You’re welcome.”

“You came.”

I rolled my eyes internally. When had I ever said no to Dimitri? For heaven’s sake, this wasn’t even the first time I’d dragged the Seraphim into Hell for him. “We wouldn’t let you down. The whole unit is here. ”

“Thank you,” Dimitri said again. “Seriously.”

The tension stretched between us; a wire covered in barbs I didn’t know how to remove. It had been like this between us for so long now that I couldn’t even remember the easy camaraderie we’d once shared.

I hated it.

Suddenly, a weight hit my side. I gave a surprised oof as Dagon wrapped me in a bear hug.

“What’s happening right now?” I said in alarm.

“Thank you.” Dagon’s voice was a whisper in my ear. “I know what it must’ve cost you to come here. Again. You knew I’d be here, but you came anyway. For him. For what it’s worth…I’m sorry. I hope you find happiness.”

Well that’ll never happen now Dimitri has you, now will it?

“Thanks,” I said stiffly, trying to remove myself from his embrace. But to my frustration, he wasn’t releasing me. “Can you let me go now?”

“In a moment,” he said with that charm he’d always had. “One more message. If you ever touch Dimitri in a sexual way again, I’ll tear out your tongue before siccing Harlow on you.”

The reminder of my past mistake was almost too much to bear. Dagon didn’t need to threaten me with his psychotic brother though. I’d already vowed never to touch Dimitri again.

It might have taken me a few centuries to wake up to the fact he’d never been mine, but now I had, there was no going back.

“Understood?” Dagon asked, not bothering to hide the threat in his tone.

“Perfectly,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Excellent.” Dagon finally released me. “Now, any ideas on what we should do about this?”

I surveyed the demons and ghasts surrounding us, their bloodthirsty faces pushed up against my shield. It wouldn’t be long before one of them broke through. “You said your brothers’ mates are here?”

“Yes,” Dimitri said slowly. “Oscar, Bailey, and our mate, Lucky, are all inside somewhere.”

The already bleeding gash in my heart was cut deeper. I swallowed hard, forcing down the emotion screaming to be released. “Your mate? As in, he’s the mate to both of you?”

“Yes.” Dimitri didn’t shy away in his response. “Lucky is mated to both of us.”

“Fucking peachy,” I muttered, glaring up at the sky as though I could personally see fate or whoever the fuck decided these things. I would have loved to have a one-on-one chat with them, to ask what I had done to justify me having to witness the man who owned my heart mated to not one but two others. There’d been room for another in their relationship, just not for me.

Never for me.

“Okay, so we need to break them free while also winning this battle,” I said.

“That’s right. Did you say your unit is here?”

I didn’t glance at Dagon as I answered him. I couldn’t. It was taking all my willpower to just hold myself together. “Yes…plus a couple of others.”

Dimitri’s jaw fell open. “Was that sanctioned?”

“No.”

“I don’t understand.” Dimitri’s shock was understandable. It was one thing for the Seraphim to fight for Hell, but it was unheard of for other units to intervene too. “Why?”

His question sank its claws into the wound on my heart and tore it in two. How could he ask me that? Didn’t he know there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him ?

This was too much. I needed to get away from him. From Dagon. From the happiness the two of them had waiting with their third.

“I persuaded them.” I stepped back, opening my wings. My attention caught on the small audience behind us. Two of Dagon’s brothers, Cal and Harlow, were there along with Ferry—better known as the Grim Reaper. Like us, he’d obviously chosen to fight on the side of Lucifer. “I assume your power reserves are running too low for substantial shields.”

Dagon nodded curtly. “Yes. That’s why we’re still here. We can’t fly out.”

I gave a high-pitched whistle, summoning Ezekiel and Rami. They landed at my side almost immediately, both embracing Dimitri. While Rami looked at ease in present company, Ezekiel’s jaw was tense. Fire glimmered off his hair, making the red shine brighter than ever, but it had nothing on the heat in his eyes. Ezekiel hated being here as much as I did.

It was hard, having to fight for those you’d been raised to hate.

He’d have to suck up his prejudices though. I couldn’t fly them all out of here alone.

“We’ll fly you all to the front lines,” I said gruffly. “We can shield you and come up with a new plan from there.”

Dimitri stepped close to me, and the miniscule grip I had on my control threatened to slip. “Thank you.”

I swear to the Holy Creator, if he thanks me once more, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.

Shouldering past him, I grabbed Dagon’s eldest brother, Cal. I didn’t trust myself to touch Dagon without doing something stupid .

And I couldn’t touch Dimitri. I never should have in the first place.

Cal didn’t say anything during the thirty seconds it took me to fly him to the front lines. Once I’d deposited my passenger, I waited for the others to arrive.

When they did, I wished I hadn’t waited. If I’d left, I wouldn’t have had to watch Dimitri walk straight up to Lucifer. Watch as he lifted the most dangerous, evil being in existence off the ground and threatened him.

“Touch either of my mates again, and they won’t be the ones being executed. I’ll bring down the entire might of Heaven if needed. You pushed us once, and it didn’t work out well for you.”

I wasn’t sure what had my heart racing faster—seeing Dimitri go toe to toe with Lucifer, or knowing he was doing it to protect his mates.

His mates.

Lucifer sneered at Dimitri. “Who are you to challenge me?”

Thuds echoed through the air as arch after arch hit the ground around us. Rami. Ezekiel. The twins, Theo and Nathanial, together as always. Breann. Grace. And finally, Benji, his eyes ablaze with an uncharacteristic fury.

The Seraphim were gathered. All ten of us.

But after today, we would be down one member. There was no way Heaven would allow Dimitri to remain part of the unit with a demon as his eternal mate. We’d have to take on another. It had been centuries since we’d added to our ranks, but now we’d have no choice. Another would have to join us.

Someone to replace Dimitri. The thought made me want to vomit right here on the field. It might’ve been a long time since Dimitri had truly been part of our unit, but replacing him? Taking that final step, knowing he’d never be ours again?

It was torture.

He never was yours. Not really. He’s always been Dagon’s.

Pushing that thought to the back of my mind, I drew my weapons along with the others. Until told otherwise, Dimitri was one of us.

And we would die protecting him if needed.

Lucifer’s sons had their weapons drawn too. They had more reason than anyone to extract their pound of flesh from their father. I had to imagine their childhoods had been the stuff of literal nightmares. That they’d all turned their backs on Hell was testament to that.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the lines pushing towards us. My eyes widened as I realised that the Uprising currently had the upper hand. Seeing Lucifer being challenged so openly had spurred them on, thinking a win was imminent.

Cursing under my breath, I whipped my head around to call out a warning to Dimitri, but there was no need. Dagon had apparently clocked the same thing I had. He was hauling Dimitri away, hissing something in his ear.

See? He doesn’t need you. He never did.

My inner voice was an utter cunt sometimes.

A low buzzing took up residence in my ears as I signalled for the Seraphim to fall into formation. We took to the air above the demons, preparing to launch ourselves into the battle. It was something we’d done a thousand times before, but never before had there been a gap to my right. A gap where Dimitri should have been fighting. Now there was, as he took up his rightful place beside his mate.

Ezekiel shot me a look full of too much understanding for my liking. Without saying a word, he moved closer until the tips of his wings brushed against mine. This was something we’d been discussing for a while. With Dimitri’s absences stretching longer and longer, we’d known that Ezekiel would eventually step into his shoes.

I hadn’t expected it to happen so soon.

Forcing my gaze away, I waited until Cal shot forward.

We followed on a tidal wave of power as we unleashed ourselves on the front lines. I stopped trying to suppress my emotions. My fury erupted with every swing of my sword. My heartbreak sang outward alongside every blast of power.

I was a man undone as I slaughtered my way through the lines. I didn’t see the faces of those whose immortality I took, I only saw Dimitri.

His mates.

Dimitri had taken two mates. Given both angels and demons had fated mates, I had to assume that was what had happened.

I’d known for a long time that Dimitri would never be mine, but this was the first time I’d realised how high the odds had been stacked against us. Fate had never intended for him to be mine, yet it had allowed me to fall in love with him all the same.

Fate and I were due a conversation. Until then, I’d satisfy myself with violence.

With the angels involved, it didn’t take long for the tide of the battle to turn. Before I knew it, there was no one left for me to fight. No outlet for me to feed the chaotic emotions into.

The fighting might’ve been done, but the battle wasn’t over, not while Lucifer held the human mates of his sons hostage.

Dimitri landed beside me, whispering the plan in my ear. I focused on the words, rather than the feel of his breath on my ear, the scent of leather and patchouli that seemed to accompany him everywhere.

Fortunately, it didn’t take him long to explain the plan and step away. I sucked in a lungful of sulphuric air, letting it erase the scent of him.

Like anything could do that.

I indicated subtly to the Seraphim, and we all fell into position. We created a barrier around the sons of Lucifer, stopping the other residents of Hell from going to his aid. His control would end today. After this, a new era of peace would dawn.

Even if that hadn’t been the reason I’d come down here, you could fucking bet it would be the excuse I’d give when questioned.

Naturally, Lucifer didn’t go down without a fight, but his strength was nothing compared to the united force we presented. Our shields combined had him backing down as he realised he had nowhere to go.

We were silent witnesses as Lucifer was manipulated into a deal by his sons. It was a relief to know they would now have control over him—another card in my hand when I had to justify our presence here to the higher-ups. All of them would prefer one of his sons in charge to Lucifer. This wasn’t quite that, but it was close enough.

A small commotion erupted by the gates of Hell. A group of higher demons had emerged, their shields held over three humans huddled in the centre.

The mates.

I turned away. This was one reunion I was happy to miss.

Ezekiel popped up at my shoulder. He didn’t say anything. That wasn’t his speed. Instead he leaned against me, offering me his strength and support.

I drew comfort from it. I had Ezekiel. I had the Seraphim. I didn’t need love. I didn’t need Dimitri.

Even if that didn’t stop me wanting him.

Rami joined us, wiping blood off his massive hands onto his trousers. “Why do demons make so much fucking mess?”

I rolled my eyes. “Perhaps if you killed them using your powers or a weapon, you’d be cleaner afterwards.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Theo said as he and Nathanial popped up. Both of them were in a similar state to Rami, covered in blood and dirt. They were identical in every detail, from their white hair to their startling lilac eyes. It was near impossible for anyone outside of the Seraphim to tell them apart. “We don’t get to play with them that often, so we might as well make the best of…”

Theo’s voice trailed off as his gaze fell on something over my shoulder. His mouth fell open in shock, the expression mirrored on his twin’s face. Rami, however, only glanced away for a second, before looking back at me in horror.

“What’s wrong?” I demanded, spinning at the same time as Ezekiel to see what had caused this reaction. “What are you?—”

My ability to speak was ripped from me. I wasn’t sure what was worse—seeing Dimitri kiss his mates with the heat of a thousand suns…

Or the black wings now sprouting from his back.

Ezekiel sucked in a quick breath. “Dimitri’s fallen.”

I rubbed at my chest, not answering.

“Micah, that means?—”

“I know what it means,” I snapped, finally finding my voice. I shot Ez an apologetic look before stalking over to where Dimitri and his mates stood. Behind me, I could feel the other members of the Seraphim fall into line.

All of us knew this was the end. We’d seen it coming long before today, but knowing it was here?

It fucking hurt.

We’d have to say goodbye now. For the first time in centuries, an angel was leaving the Seraphim. And for the first time ever, it wasn’t because their immortality had been stripped away.

No, it was because of love.

See? Love is behind all foolish decisions.

I stood back as the rest of the unit told Dimitri goodbye, silent as everything inside me unravelled. We’d been estranged for a while, but this parting would be final. Sure, we might see each other from time to time, but it would never be like it was before.

This time, everything was different.

I didn’t allow myself to approach Dimitri until the rest of the unit was in the sky. I could feel myself coming apart at the seams. I held my emotions so tightly controlled to try and avoid situations like this.

Situations where my emotions took over, and all reasoning flew out of the window.

There was no stopping it this time. Not with my heart bleeding out of my chest, knowing that this was the final goodbye.

Crossing my arms, I stared at Dimitri’s wings. At the proof of how he’d betrayed our unit. How he’d chosen love over us.

Over me.

I knew what I was about to do was wrong. I fucking knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. Couldn’t stop myself staring at his wings. Couldn’t think over the roaring in my ears. “Is this what you really want?”

Dimitri’s response was far gentler than I deserved. “It is.”

I inhaled deeply, trying to hold on to my slipping control before it was entirely out of reach. I could do this. I just needed to get through this, and then I could go far away to lick my wounds in peace.

But Dimitri wasn’t done. “I’m sorry, but you have to get over me. I love Dagon and Lucky.”

“Because they’re your mates. ” I exploded. I heard Dagon hiss, but I couldn’t stop myself. Dimitri’s words had unleashed something ugly inside me. I’d come undone, the truth I’d tried to hide spilling from me like venom. “Because fate decided you should be theirs when really you were supposed to be mine . It’s fucking bullshit.”

I knew before I’d finished that I’d gone too far. Steel flashed in Dimitri’s eyes. “No. I was never meant to be yours. I would choose them every day, even if they weren’t my mates. I’m sorry, Micah, but you’re wrong.”

“Micah?” A smaller man stepped forwards, a frown on his face. He was my opposite in just about every way. I knew instinctively that this was Dimitri’s human mate. “I thought it had to be you, but I wanted to be sure.”

The human stalked over, squaring up to me. I stiffened but didn’t move a muscle. He might have been tiny, but he had fury packed into every single inch of him. “I get it. Dimitri’s super fucking hot. But what you did was shitty. You hurt both the men I love, so fuck you for that.”

I could only blink as Lucky pulled back his fist and socked me in the face.

“Motherfucker,” he howled, shaking his hand out as his mates came forward to fuss over him. “Why did it hurt that much? Punching Grant was a walk in the park compared to that.”

I had no idea who Grant was, or why Lucky had punched him, but I was too focused on myself to care. I gently touched the spot where his fist had landed. I hadn’t felt any pain, but nonetheless, it had hit me with the strength of a bomb. Guilt and remorse threatened to choke me as I processed my behaviour.

What the fuck had I been thinking? What kind of man, what kind of angel could I claim to be if I let my baser instincts take over the way they just had? I’d behaved like a fool. An utter fool.

Love made fools of us all.

Well, no more. I made a vow as I stood there, watching the various couples embrace. Never again would I let love guide me. Never again would I let my heart lead me so far from the path I was destined to walk. Never again would I be at the mercy of another.

Never again would I risk feeling this heartbreak.

All around me, demons were pulling their mates towards the portal. Lucky was sandwiched between his mates as they whispered what they were going to do to him when they got him somewhere more private.

I fought the urge to fly off without another word. I couldn’t though. I owed Dimitri better than that.

Clearing my throat, I tried not to make eye contact with any of them. That didn’t stop me seeing Dimitri give Lucky a tender kiss. Nudging him into Dagon’s arms and telling him he’d meet them at the portal.

Dimitri watched them leave before turning to face me with a sigh. “I hope you’re not expecting me to apologise for Lucky.”

“No.” I rubbed the spot where he’d punched me, still marvelling at the tiny human’s bravery. If nothing else, I had to be grateful that Dimitri had mates who would go to the mat for him. “I definitely deserved it. Probably deserved worse, if I’m being honest. Asking you in front of your mates if you definitely wanted them…I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.”

Dimitri’s lips twitched, probably in shock. I didn’t think I’d apologised to anyone in…well, ever. “Apology accepted. Now, can we move past this?”

I knew what I should say, but Dimitri deserved my honesty as much as my apology. “I’d like to say yes, but…I’m not sure. Seeing you with them, it’s just…” For some reason though, I found my gaze wandering as I spoke. It was like there was a rope tugging my attention over to a small group of demons a few feet away. One of them moved, and my gaze fell on the man who’d just been revealed.

No, not a man. A demon.

The tug in my chest increased as a word began to repeat over and over inside my mind. I ignored it, speaking over it. “No. No…it’s not possible.”

My limbs moved without my consent, taking me straight over to the tall man. In some ways, he reminded me of Dimitri. He was covered in tattoos, silver piercings flashing in his nose, brow, and lip. There were marked differences though. This guy was stockier, more muscled. Where Dimitri’s dark hair was long, his was clipped close to his head.

None of that mattered. Not really. Nothing mattered other than the word now screaming to be unleashed. The pull that was taking me closer and closer to this stranger.

His amber eyes met mine and I felt like I was being undone and stitched back together all at the same time. This torrent of feeling wasn’t one-sided either, not judging by the way the blood drained from his face.

Whatever this pull was, he was experiencing it too.

I ignored the word. I had to. I refused to acknowledge it.

“It’s not possible.”

My hand lifted, still out of my control, and gently brushed along the demon’s jaw.

Warmth exploded where our skin met, making us both jump apart several paces. That word roared inside me. It pushed at my lips. Begged for release. Screamed at me to pay it any attention.

I wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t. There was no way I was walking down this path. Not after the vow I’d just made. And especially not for a fucking demon.

“Absolutely fucking not,” I hissed, wiping my hand on my shirt, like that might somehow remove the memory of his skin under my fingertips.

The demon seemed to share my sentiment. “You’ve got that right. Not in this lifetime.”

He didn’t spare me another look, opening his wings and making his way to the portal. The disgust that had poured off him cemented my belief that I was doing the right thing. Angels and demons were natural enemies. Falling in love was forbidden. Dagon and Dimitri might’ve found a way around that, but that was because of who his demon’s father was. Heaven didn’t want to start drama with Lucifer unnecessarily. They might’ve won the first time around, but there was no guarantee they’d get the same outcome a second time.

Dimitri was staring at me in disbelief. “What was that? Is he your ma?—”

“He’s nothing.” I cut him off before he could finish that word. If it wasn’t said aloud, it didn’t exist. It didn’t mean anything.

My body betrayed my words almost instantly, hungrily tracking the demon across the sky. I watched him all the way to the portal, something inside me tearing as he stepped through and vanished from sight.

Only then did I allow my wings to spread wide and take me skywards. I meant what I’d said. That demon was nothing to me.

But accompanying the beat of my wings was that word. The one I wouldn’t acknowledge. The one I refused to say aloud.

Mate.

Mate.

Mate.