Chapter 15
15
J osiah followed Jeb and John into the Williams’ kitchen. Their long day of work had been productive. The hay of another field was harvested and stored safely in the barn for the long winter months ahead. John’s help the past week had been a gift.
The door slammed, and Katherine and her Aunt May walked into the kitchen arm in arm. His eyes followed her as she spoke to her ma, then turned his way. His heart did a trip, skip, and dip, as it always did when she looked at him.
“Smells mighty fine in here,” Jeb said. “You got yourselves some hungry men to feed.”
“We’ve arranged supper together since this is the last day before Aunt and Uncle leave. Hope that’s all right?” Katherine raised her brows in hopeful expectation.
She could have most anything she wanted when she looked at him like that. Best he never let her in on that little secret. “No problem on my part, but Delilah might have supper underway.”
She smiled. “I sent Amelia over with a message for her earlier. Abe and Delilah are going to join us. She’s bringing over the food she prepared, and we’ll throw it all together.”
Josiah tried to busy himself playing with the children, but he could barely keep his focus with the way Katherine’s eyes followed him. The laughter and squeals while he played the role of Big Bad Bear didn’t offer enough distraction from the burn of her gaze. Why was he suddenly garnering her attention? At dinner, she motioned him into the chair beside hers. Normally, she tried to place herself at arm’s length—or further away.
After the meal, while the adults sat at the table and conversed, her leg brushed up against his several times. Sweet torture.
When she got up to help clear the dishes, he caught her staring again and lifted one brow in question. Instead of lowering her eyes like she usually did, she held his gaze. What had come over her?
He winked. That would send her back to busy, busy mode. But no. She lifted her head and sent him a grin that could almost be called flirtatious.
He almost spit out his coffee, struggling to swallow the gulp of hot liquid he had just taken. It was his turn to look away.
He had worked hard at keeping a respectable distance. That small feat would be impossible if she kept looking at him the way she was tonight.
God, have mercy.
There he was, praying again. She seemed to bring out the desperate in him. But did God really care about the minute details of life? He couldn’t deny the power of Delilah and Abe’s prayers. They’d been praying for a wife for him for a long time. And not just any wife, but a partner he connected with. Kat filled the lonely in ways he’d never expected. Without the physical they had become friends. Good friends.
She was carefree and relaxed in his presence, at least, until the time came to say good-night. Then, the tension would rise between them, his with desire, and hers with fear. But he’d realized something profound. Even if life never took them farther, he still wanted her as his wife. He enjoyed her company, no matter how difficult.
“Isn’t that right, Josiah?” Kat’s voice broke through his thoughts.
All eyes were on him. What had the question been?
“Yes.” Did his answer make sense?
A knowing look curved the corners of her mouth upwards. “That is wonderful.” She flashed him a radiant smile.
Had she just bamboozled him? Whatever he’d agreed to put that incredible beam on her face, and he wasn’t about to squelch it.
“We’d better get going,” she said. “As you’ve often reminded me, sunrise comes early. But could we walk back? It’s a warm evening, and we won’t have many of those left.”
The thought of a walk through the orchard in the moonlight stirred his blood to a dangerous level. She, naturally, had no idea where his thoughts had just been, or where they would take him walking beside her in the moon’s soft glow.
“Is that all right?” She looked uncertain. “I know you’ve been working hard all day.”
Not hard enough .
“Sure.” He infused his voice with as much calm as he could muster. “You’re right. It’s a fine night for a walk. The weather has been agreeable as of late.” He pressed his lips shut. He sounded like a babbling idiot. But the last thing he felt confident about was a walk in the moonlight with her when he wanted so much more.
He couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that shot through as she said good-bye and lavished hugs and kisses on her family.
When they stepped into the darkness, she grabbed his arm and slid her hand down to fold in the crook of his elbow. She gave a subtle squeeze and leaned in closer. They walked between the trees in silence, though she could surely hear the pounding of his sorry heart.
A three-quarter moon floated on the edge of the horizon through lightly scattered clouds. The glow cast a silvery shine to the fluttering leaves above them, and a warm breeze lifted the wayward strands of her hair as they drifted up to kiss his face. He had to pull away from her and fist his hands at his sides in order not to cave into the urge to take her in his arms.
A soft sigh escaped her lips, and she muttered something under her breath.
“Did you say something, Kat?”
“I want to be your wife,” she whispered.
Did she mean what he thought she meant? His heart galloped like a thoroughbred. He stopped and turned toward her. “You are my wife.” The words caught in his throat on their way out.
She met his gaze and stepped a little closer. “I have not been your wife. I don’t know what I’ve been, other than a burden to you.” Uncertainty filled her eyes. “You’ve been kind, gentle, and caring, in spite of my obvious fear. You’ve provided generously for me and my family. You’ve worked at getting to know me, and I thank you for that. But what have you gotten out of this arrangement?”
He stilled the flow of her words with the tip of his finger on her full lips. “Your company and our conversation has?—”
She pressed up against him, and it drove the air right out of his lungs.
“Will you kiss me, really kiss me?” Her large, hauntingly blue eyes met his with a boldness, then her lids drifted closed. She stood on her tiptoes to reach him, her lips just inches from his.
He couldn’t breathe. The invitation had the possibility of opening a thousand doors, and all he had to do was walk in. But did the innocent know what she was asking, and could he stop at just one kiss? Like being caught in an undertow with the power to suck the life right out of him, he had to force himself to take in air.
He cautiously placed his hands on her shoulders. “Do you understand what you’re inviting?”
“Yes.”
Resisting her was not an option. If she was frightened, it didn’t show. He was the one trembling as he bent to meet her inviting lips. Fire burned in his bones, and he had to remind himself to take it slowly. When he lifted his lips from hers to draw away, she pulled his head back down, tightening her arms around his neck.
Need took over. He kissed her like a starving man given bread…her lips, her face, her eyes, the tip of her nose. He forced himself to slow down as his thumbs caressed her jaw and throat. He teased her mouth open, seeking out her response.
She mimicked touch for touch, but, when a sigh of enjoyment escaped her lips, he pulled away. The pull of her was growing too strong.
His voice thickened. “You’ve opened a door you’ll never be able to close.”
She offered a tempting smile. “Who says I want to shut it?”
He laughed at her boldness, but caught the look of shyness as she cast her eyes down. She shivered when he placed his arm around her waist and began walking to the house.
He had no idea if the kiss affected her even a smidgen as much as it affected him, but he wouldn’t rush. As much as he desired her, the hope that she would fall in love with him outweighed all, and he wouldn’t jeopardize that.
They reached the house, and he removed his arm, opening the door for her. After a quick glance his way, she headed for the stairs. His heart struggled to keep a steady beat as he followed.
At her bedroom door, she reached for the handle but didn’t enter. Instead, she turned her gorgeous eyes, bright with questions, toward him. Her expression, soaked in innocence and invitation, swallowed him up. He couldn’t move, and they stood there, staring at one another.
Since she had started the kissing, dare he risk one more?
He stepped toward her and took her in his arms. As his mouth descended toward hers, a flash of fear registered. He reined in the acute temptation to throw caution to the wind and gave her lips a quick kiss. It would be so easy to get lost in her loveliness, but he stepped back, and his hand brushed a line down her soft cheek. “Good night, my love.”
The click of his bedroom door brought both relief and disappointment to Katie. Had she not made it clear that he was invited? Should she have walked to his door instead?
Yet, though the intensity of his kiss in the moonlight had shaken her, was she ready for more? She entered her bedroom. A mixture of feelings, none of which she could sort, washed through her. An odd flush of emotion and a flutter of something beautiful danced in the pit of her stomach. Yet, fear of another place and time still haunted her.
She was proud of herself for pushing through the fear, and his kiss had been quite wonderful, so much more than she’d imagined. Yet, did she have the strength to encourage more? Her legs quivered. Could she, like Ruth, lie down beside him?
The wardrobe door opened with a tug, and she removed the white cambric nightgown that had been made for her wedding night. She slipped it on, allowing the soft folds to fall around her. A peek into the full-length mirror revealed her form beneath the gown. Heat slipped up her neck at the thought of standing before Josiah in so little. She wished with all her heart she was so in love with him that it would overshadow the embarrassment. If only she wanted him as much as he wanted her. The memory of that kiss and her response both frightened and beckoned her.
She walked to the adjoining door, the one she had never locked, and put her hand on the doorknob.
The coward in her turned back to the bed. She slipped between the covers and prayed that both God and Josiah would understand…for she was not Ruth.
Katie jolted awake as a groan split the night. The noise had come from Josiah’s room. He sounded like he was in agony. Before she could stop to think, she threw the covers off, and was through the adjoining door into his room.
The light from the moon spilled through his open window, illuminating his form on the bed. The covers were twisted around his bottom half. His top half lay bare. Every detail heightened her awareness and drew her attention—the manly appearance of curly chest hair, the strength of his muscles, the breadth of his large shoulders. He really was handsome. She wanted to stare and run all in the same instant.
He moaned and thrashed. A pained expression filled his face, but she could barely make sense of his jumbled words.
“No, no. Forward, march. Retreat, Colby. Go. I’ll cover you… God, help us.”
He was having a nightmare. She moved closer, inching her way to the side of the bed, and reached out. “Josiah. Josiah, wake up.” In the light of the moon, it was clear when he left that place of horror. His eyes opened, and his face changed from pain to pleasure.
“My beautiful, beautiful, Katherine.” He reached out and pulled her into his arms.
She allowed her body to melt into his. The way he was moving, the way he was touching her—all so glorious. His mouth hungrily devoured her lips as his hands cupped her face, then slid into her thick hair. His hands moved over her body, and still he drew only pleasure. All fear vanished.
But when he reached for the tie of her nightgown, she stiffened, and a gasp slipped from her lips.
He pulled up. “Katherine, what are you doing here? I…I thought I was dreaming.” His voice sounded drugged and ragged. A shudder ran through his body, one she could feel straight through to her bones.
He looked down at her, and a groan ripped from his throat. “You don’t understand what you do to me.” His eyes roamed over her and his stare grew hot.
She struggled with the ripple of fear that skittered up her spine.
He lifted his eyes to look into hers. “I am only a man. I want this more than I can say. But do you?” In the depth, beyond the desire, she glimpsed both his battle and his respect for her. If there was anyone in the world she could trust with this, it was him.
She reached up and pulled him down to meet her kiss.
He tried to pull away but her whisper stopped him. “I want this. Please let me be your wife.” A tremor worked its way through him as he nodded.
Moonbeams spilled through the window. A soft breeze flowed through the opening, and the night-song of a thousand crickets filled the air. Everything but Josiah faded away.
Josiah awakened to find Katherine nestled in the curve of his warm body. He had not been dreaming. She was in his bed. He kissed the back of her head and nuzzled closer. He couldn’t believe she lay beside him, her thick black hair downy-soft against his face. Although not much of a praying man, he murmured thanks.
He had tried to be gentle, knowing it was her first time, and was surprised by her genuine response. Her shyness and inhibition melted away with each tender caress. The only thing missing from an otherwise incredible night was hearing words of love flow from her beautiful lips.
He rose on his elbows and gazed at the beauty by his side. He had held back saying what he wanted to say the night before. With her asleep, he could whisper all the sweet words he so ached to tell her.
“I need you more than life itself. What a wonderful life we’ll have together with children gathered around. And more love than you’ll know what to do with. You complete me, my dear sweet, Kat. I love you more than words can say and hope someday soon you’ll feel the same.”
He longed to lie beside her all day, but her pa would be waiting. They were going to plow and prepare the last field for seed in the spring. Uncle John had said he would stay one more day, and Josiah couldn’t miss the extra help.
He slid from the covers with care so as not to wake her and slipped out of the room with an extra bounce in his step. All he worked so hard for would now have purpose, and it energized him beyond words. Feeling twenty again, he whistled his way down the stairs.
The movement of Josiah nuzzling close pulled Katie from her slumber, but where she had been bold the night before, her courage vanished in the light of day. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing steady. She heard his sweet words and choked back the sob that filled her throat. The minute the door clicked behind him, she allowed her tears the freedom to flow down her cheeks and soak into the bedding.
He deserved so much more than she could offer. He deserved to be loved.