Crew (Hockey Royalty #3)

19. Liv

Chapter 19

Liv

“Y ou’re different.”

“Stop.”

“No. You are!”

I don’t want to look my mother in the eye but I know I have to because if I don’t it’s a sign of weakness. She’ll take that as proof she’s right and then she’ll dig and dig until she uncovers the truth. And I have too many secrets to even begin to worry about which one she’ll unearth.

“I’m happy Mom. I’m content. Isn’t that all you’re supposed to care about as a parent?” I ask and lock eyes with her. Even I have to admit sometimes it’s like looking in a mirror. Same feeling when I look at Mayhem, only it’s a fun house mirror that makes me taller and leaner and giddy about hundred-mile-an-hour black rubber discs flying at my face.

Now Mayhem is pretending not to listen to us as I putter around the kitchen making breakfast. Mom watches from a bar stool at the peninsula and Mayhem sits in the swinging chair Tenley insisted on putting in the corner of the dining room reading a book.

“I do care about that. I also care about the why,” Mom replies and suddenly puts down her coffee and lifts her hair off her neck, swearing like a trucker under her breath. “Hot flash. They’re trying to kill me.”

“I hear they’re like someone turning your blood to gasoline and lighting a match in your heart,” Mayhem says, her eyes never lifting from the page she’s reading.

“Yes. Only worse.” Mom sighs.

“Are you in perimenopause?” Tenley asks.

“Full-on menopause,” Mom replies. “And it’s hell. I actually had a hot flash during sex the other day. Threw your father right off of me and ran to the window for air. Thought I would literally burst into flames.”

“Like I wish I could after hearing that story,” Mayhem says and squeezes her eyes shut.

"TMI Mother! Seriously.” I groan and flip the eggs in the pan with a flourishing swoop of the pan.

Tenley whistles, impressed. Mom has seen my cooking skills a million times before so she says nothing and sticks to the topic. “Relax, baby. I’m lucky I still have a sex drive. A lot of women lose that with menopause.”

“You better find yours soon, Liv, before it’s gone.”

Great. Now Mayhem is jumping on the make-fun-of-Olivia train. That’s a new twist and I don’t like it. “Says the girl who gets her only romance from paperbacks.”

“I work with hot sweaty men every single day,” Mayhem counters. “Eye candy is enough at the moment. Plus it’s hard to find a date when you’re the only chick on the men’s team. College boys have such fragile egos the last thing they want to do is woo the woman who can bench press them, or who pals around with the biggest, toughest guys on campus.”

“You keep doing you, Mayhem,” Mom says proudly as she continues to fan herself. “I was the scariest girl in Silver Bay and landed the best man in town so don’t dim your light for anyone.”

I carefully plop a perfectly cooked feta fried egg on top of each of the toasted sourdough slices slathered in Tenley’s famous smashed avocado and tomato with Everything Bagel seasoning and homemade hot sauce. Then I drop the plates on the peninsula in front of my mom and the empty seats. I stand on the other side to eat mine, since we only have three bar stools. Mayhem abandons her book on the swinging chair and joins us.

We chat about life. Mom updates us on the latest with the extended family and I'm shocked and pleased to learn my brother Conner is shopping for engagement rings for his girlfriend Mac. Mom is teary-eyed as she explains. "He's between two different rings, but he won't ask my advice. He does however have lengthy calls with your dad as he strategizes how to ask her. He doesn't want it to be a big deal but he doesn't want it to be a small deal either. And he's working on the courage to ask Alex for permission."

"Ugh. That's so archaic," Tenley groans. "I'm not the property of Jordan Garrison. My husband isn't asking permission."

“It’s a symbolic thing,” Mom argues. “And as someone who didn’t have a dad to ask, I thought it was absolutely adorable when your dad asked for my permission to marry Jessie. Well, he didn’t so much ask as tell me it was going to happen and please do not kill him.”

We all laugh because that is so on-brand for the aggressive but oddly loving relationship Mom has with Uncle Jordan. Tenley is still frowning though.

“Ten, Uncle J will literally murder a dude who doesn’t show that level of respect but intends to marry you. You know it.”

“What if I elope?”

Mom gasps like Tenley just confessed to murder and drops her fork with a dramatic clang. She points at Tenley first but then her finger moves to each of us. “Not one of you should ever entertain the idea of an elopement. Garrison weddings are magical, joyous events and we will not be denied one. We’re too close a group to exclude each other from important life events.”

“I don’t think it’s that big a deal,” Tenley mutters and shoves food into her mouth, chewing aggressively. She swallows her bite. “What if it’s just a starter marriage? It won’t even count so you guys don’t have to be there.”

“Who in this family would go into a marriage knowing it won’t last?” Mom asks. “It’s such a huge financial and legal thing not to mention it’s sacred. I was so scared of the emotional significance I didn’t ever want to do it.”

“It doesn’t always have to be emotional.”

"Yes Tenley it does," Mom counters. "You won't understand that until you do it, but that's fine. You will figure it out one day. Do it right the first time and there are no regrets. And even if the marriage ends up ending, like Devin's marriage to Conner's mom, we’re all still glad there was a big family wedding because Conner can look back on those pictures and see the love.”

I think about that as I sip my coffee and slice into my avocado toast again to devour the last few bites. Am I about to become an Ashleigh? Can I handle it if Crew starts dating Shelby? I was up half the night mulling over the feelings that swirled inside me after that tidbit was dropped like a lead balloon. Up until that moment, I thought I was very cool with everything that had happened with Crew. And I was even convincing myself that if we hooked up one or two more times, it would be okay. Good, even. And that I could do that— him —a few more times and stay chill about it. Crew made it clear he doesn’t date, so that was off the table but it wasn’t just off the table for me, which made it comforting. It made it okay. But now I hear he’s interested in dating someone who isn’t me and it hurts. The fact that the person he is interested in was a relative makes it way worse, of course. And I am both horrified and angry at him. I mean, it would be like me dating Nash. How insanely inappropriate and uncomfortable would that be?

“Livvy why did your whole face just go dark?” Mom is way too in tune with me. I used to love it when I was little and she could read me like a book. Now, not so much. “See? Something is going on. Talk to me, Goose.”

“I do not understand why you would call me Goose.”

“You need to watch Top Gun .”

“Miles Teller is so freaking hot in that," Tenley interjects and makes a chef's kiss gesture with her lips and hand. "That's my type. Tall, dark, handsome. Fighter pilot, not a stupid hockey player. Emotional. Not a robot. Hey, we should go to San Diego and hang out at a bar by the airbase. Catch ourselves some real-life Miles Tellers. Who's in?"

“Miles Teller is not in Top Gun ,” Mom corrects and rolls her eyes as she pops some toast into her mouth. “He was in the sequel. Watch the original. And getting back on topic, I need some alone time with my baby girl numero uno . You two make yourself scarce when breakfast is done.”

“I have to go to campus anyway and discuss my final grade with my teacher,” Tenley says as she licks her now empty fork and hops off the stool, carrying her plate to the sink.

“Can you drop me off at the Orangetheory up the street?’ Mayhem asks, carrying her own dish to the sink.

“Sure thing.”

They file out of the kitchen and a few minutes later, as I’m loading dishes in the dishwasher, they leave the house. Mom is staring at something on her phone. “Your uncle Big Bird and your Aunt Jessie agreed to be in Tenley’s documentary about the Pro Hockey World.”

“Wow? Why?” I ask stunned. “And please don’t say you and Dad are doing it. I do not think you have a safe for TV mouth, Mom. I love you but some of the stuff that you blurt would get you in trouble with the FCC.”

She laughs and puts her phone down on the bar, reaching for her coffee. “I agree and so does Ten, which is why she didn’t ask me. Don’t worry, no cameras for us. But I wanted you to know. The Westwoods are also doing it. And I think a Braddock or Casco or someone else is too.”

“Oh, cool.” Crew is going to be on TV, maybe while dating my cousin. This just keeps getting better and better.

“There’s that darkness again,” Mom notes and I turn away from her, bringing the frying pan to the sink. “Leave that and come sit. We need to talk. I don’t think you’re okay.”

I can’t tell her about the attack. Not yet. I’m not ready. But my mom is relentless and has the strongest motherly instincts of anyone I’ve ever met so she will not let this go until I give her something. I take a deep breath and turn from the sink, leaving the pan to soak.

Mom has moved the coffee machine and is refreshing both our cups. She glides to the fridge and her long pale yellow sundress swooshes after her. I zone in on the tattoo on her inner wrist. It’s an outline of three heart balloons, their strings overlapping here and there. Inside each heart is a year, the birth years of Conner, myself, and Mae.

It's not her only tattoo. She has another one at the base of her neck, the Japanese symbol for family which she got long before we were born. That's the one thing we have in common, more than our appearance. The fact that both my mom and I have always believed family is sacred. And we both have always known we wanted one of our own. Crew is divorced and never wants to remarry. He doesn't trust women at all anymore. That means he's not fit to fulfill my wants and needs. Shelby has never expressed any need for marriage, children, or a family of her own. Maybe she is the better fit for Crew.

“Hey, overthinker,” Mom calls out softly, pulling me from my mental spiral. “Let’s chat it out over coffee.”

She holds out my cup to me and I walk over and take it and follow her into the living room. As she sits at one end of the couch, I sit at the other and we both tuck our legs up at the same moment like twins. Twins… Crew…

“I’m not a virgin anymore by the way so you don’t get to keep teasing me,” I announce and it feels incredibly good to get that out. “But I am not ready for the entire fam to know so, like, don't tell anyone, please. I know that's asking the world from you but please.”

Mom blinks, almost like I just tossed cold water on her face, but she recovers quickly and nods. "I don't think I can stop teasing and keep it a secret at the same time. If I'm not razzing you, the way I do everyone about everything, someone in our family will get suspicious. Probably, Tenley, you know how she makes it her job to unearth secrets."

“She’s been busy lately with trying to make the doc happen,” I tell Mom. “She’s hardly ever home and when she is, she’s locked in her room. Very unTenley-like, but exactly what I need right now.”

“So… I guess I don’t get to ask for details.” Mom sips her coffee as I make a face at her. She smiles wryly. “I’m not saying gory details. I don’t need to know his dick size or anything. I don’t want to know anything that will make it impossible to keep a straight face when I meet him. I just… was it okay? Did you enjoy it? And be honest, I swear I will never tease you about this, no matter what you say.”

“It was great,” I say and a smile blooms over my pink cheeks before I can stop it. I’m trying to keep this vague and casual but clearly failing.

Mom grins back and sighs, putting a hand on her chest. "Oh thank God! I know my first time was subpar at best and I thought if that happened to you, after waiting as long as you have, you’d write off sex forever. Not that there is anything wrong with that. If you were pan or whatever I wouldn’t care but I just want you to be happy with yourself.”

"Mom, a pansexual is someone who is attracted to people regardless of sex," I correct gently. "Someone who isn't sexually attracted to anyone is Asexual."

"Okay, that. If you were that, I'd be fine, I just want you to be whatever makes you happy.” Mom reaches out and grabs my hand giving it a squeeze. “But I’m glad you had good sex. With a man?”

“Yes.” I laugh. “And before you say it, I know you’d be fine if it was with a woman.”

“I would.” Mom nods. “So this man… when do I get to meet him?”

“I will not be disclosing any more information at this time,” I announce. “Or ever. Just know that it was exactly what I wanted and I have zero regrets.”

Well, except for the fact that I’m not dating him.

Yeah, that's right. I realized last night, when it was revealed that Crew was interested in Shelby, that I wanted him to date me, even if I hadn't heard about this apparent infatuation with my cousin, I think the reason I have been keeping my distance from Crew a little when he's made it clear I could call him up and jump into his bed again, is that I don't want to be his bed buddy. It isn't enough for me.

“So how long have you been dating him?” Mom asks, ignoring what I just said.

“He is not my boyfriend. I’m not dating him,” I reply and sip my coffee again, hoping it looks as casual as I am trying to be. “It’s not an ongoing thing. That was what I wanted. No more questions.”

“Oh. Okay." Mom pinches her eyebrows. "No judgment but… did you really wait all this time to give it up to a one-night stand?"

“You’re right, I didn’t think I wanted that,” I agree and try not to sound too annoyed because I’m the one who opened up this conversation. I’m not sure what I did. I guess, after the sting of last night, I just need to talk to someone about it, even vaguely, before it becomes a memory. “But I changed my mind and I’m glad I did.”

Mom doesn't look like she's buying it. She keeps shooting me leery looks. "As long as you're happy and safe. I just… I would like to know what changed your mind."

“It just started to feel like pressure. Like it was this fragile thing that was destined to shatter but that might just break when I didn’t want it to, you know?” I say and wrap both hands around my mug because one hand doesn’t seem like enough suddenly. The mug is getting heavy and my hands are shaky.

“I sort of understand, maybe.” Mom puts down her mug and sweeps her long chocolate hair back behind her shoulders. The silver strands, which seem to have doubled in the last year but still aren’t enough to call her salt-and-pepper, glint in the sun coming in through the window behind the couch. "I was hell-bent on losing mine from the age of fifteen. I was flirting with every guy in Silver Bay. Looking back I have to admit that I took rebelling to a new level because I was so angry at my grandmother for abandoning your aunts and me. Anyway, what made me finally do the deed was that a guy I fooled around with… he tried to do it without my consent. Luckily your Uncle Big Bird and your Uncle Luc had taught Rose, Jessie, and I had to throw a proper right hook and it was enough to stop him and get the hell out of there. But that spurred me on to find someone I wanted to do it with and do it with sooner rather than later. Take charge of my own destiny type of thing, I guess.”

I nod slowly. Why do I suddenly feel like I might burst into tears? Why is it hard to swallow? Why can’t I take a deep breath?

Mom leans forward, slowly, deliberately. Her voice is even and calm, two things it rarely is. It’s unnerving rather than soothing. “Honey, did something happen to make you want to take charge of your own destiny?”

The doorbell rings. I jump ten feet, spilling coffee on the throw rug. Mom scrambles off the couch. “I’ll clean that.”

I swear and put my mug down on the coffee table, shaking my hand because it’s been scalded by the coffee as I rush to the door. I'm not expecting anyone so I'm hesitant to open the door. I rock up on my tip toes to peek through the peephole and see Crew.

“What the heck!” I whisper as my mom rushes back into the living room with a dishtowel and cleaner she must have found under the sink.

“Who is it?” Mom asks. “Is it a serial killer? Do I have to find something to clobber someone with?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t think it’s for me. I’m just going to ignore it.”

I start to walk away from the door but Crew knocks again and then speaks. “Olivia?”

Both of Mom’s eyebrows shoot to the ceiling. And she stops scrubbing the stain. I shake my head and hold a finger up to my lips. Her mouth opens but she shuts it without a word. Then her eyes move. To the window. Our building is one of those classic two-story jobs with outdoor hallways that look onto the pool and courtyard. We have a big window next to the door that looks over the courtyard, and the open hallway runs right by it.

“The curtains are open.” I make the realization out loud. Mom nods. “He sees me.”

“He does,” Mom confirms and waves happily at Crew.

She stands up and walks over and opens the front door. Now there's nothing but the metal storm door between me and Crew, and my mom. How could this be more awkward? "Hey Mrs.… Callie. Hi Olivia.”

“Hey. What’s up, dude?” I ask like he’s a bro and we’re homies from the same frat house.

My mom’s eyebrows shoot up again. She reaches past me and opens the storm door, motioning for Crew to come in. “Please excuse Olivia’s manners. They must be on the floor with her coffee.”

Crew looks baffled but only slightly, which is a feat. I glare at my mom who smiles innocently at me.

“Olivia, I… I was hoping I could get a minute with you. Alone,” he starts and then he clears his throat. “And spoiler alert, I might need more than a minute.”

“I have company.”

“I’m your mother, not the queen of England,” Mom butts in like only a mom can do. “I’m going to go tidy the kitchen. Why don’t you two go for a walk.”

“It’s Los Angeles, Mother,” I remind her with the tone of a moody teenager. “People don’t walk.”

“We could go for a drive,” Crew suggests, shoving his hands in his pockets and gluing his eyes to the hardwood. Guess I’m not the only one acting like a moody teenager.

“Yes. Go do that. I’ll tidy." Mom grins like she's Cupid and her arrow hit someone right in the ass. I glare at her again and she shrugs then waves the coffee-stained cloth she's holding. "Have fun. Make good choices!"

"Oh my God," I hiss and roll my eyes. Crew hands me a coat off the row of hooks next to the door. It's actually Tenley's faux leather bomber, but it's cute and coincidentally goes well with the jumpsuit I have on so I just shrug into it instead of arguing.

I send one last glare at my mother from over my shoulder as Crew exits the apartment, holding the storm door open for me. She winks at me, gives me a thumbs-up, and actually mouths two words very clearly—‘Great choice!’

She knows. She knows I slept with Crew Westwood. Kill me now.