Crossed Sticks (Buffalo Warriors Hockey #1)

17. Harper

17 /

harper

Luca was quiet during the walk home. He didn’t seem stressed, but I could practically hear the wheels turning in his brain. Occasional hand squeezes and little grunts told me something was on his mind.

No wonder he was lost in thought, because the story he’d shared had floored me. How the hell could his supposed best friend have treated him so badly? Luca was physically perfect, but his heart and personality—so kind and considerate—were what truly set him apart. How unfair that it all probably happened because Luca was so kind and considerate he never put himself first. I didn’t know much about Caleb, but I knew all I needed to. Thanks to his—what, casual cruelty?—Luca had gone through hell. Tonight, he’d been through even more of it just telling me the story, and if I had anything to do with it, things would get better for him now.

We went to my apartment because Luca liked being there. On one of our outings to buy furniture, we found a sectional sofa. The saleswoman said the style was contemporary Italian, which made Luca declare it superior. It was a beautiful shade of blue-green the woman called moonstone, and when Luca stretched out on it and said it felt like a cloud, I was sold. It included two equally long sofas that fit together at a right angle, so we usually sacked out on it with Luca on one side and me on the other, with our heads meeting near the corner to accommodate easy kissing.

After we poured glasses of iced tea, Luca surprised me by claiming a spot in the middle of one of the sofas. He patted the cushion beside him, and when I sat down, he angled himself so he could see my face. “I’ve already done a lot of talking tonight, but there’s one more thing I need to say. Hopefully, it won’t scare you.”

He looked uncertain, so I patted his thigh. “Nothing you’ve said has scared me yet. Just say it.”

He scraped a hand through his hair, and when his knee started jiggling, he placed a hand on top to keep it still. Eventually, he curved his lips into a smile, which was the only thing about him that looked calm right then.

“What is it, Luca?” If he was about to tell me something bad, I hoped it had nothing to do with us.

“Since all that went down with Caleb, I’ve never met another man I liked well enough to explore a relationship with. I didn’t think I could be fair to someone else while I was still hung up on Caleb.”

I nodded.

“Until now .” He took my hand. “Until you . You’re incredible, and I’m not just talking about sex, although…” His smile grew. “The sex is pretty un-fucking-believable, but it’s you I like, not only the sex.”

My lips quivered because I still wasn’t sure what was coming next. Would he tell me Caleb still cast too long a shadow, or that he wanted to focus on our relationship? In a not-too-subtle hint, I said, “You must know I feel the same.”

His eyes were deep and warm, and I gazed into them until he said, “You are exceptional, Harp. Something extraordinary is happening between us, and I’ve never been so excited about anyone before.”

“Not even Caleb?” Call me nuts, but the question had to be asked.

Luca kept his eyes squarely on mine. “Not by a long shot. I thought I was in love with him once, but it was too one-sided to be real. It was a fantasy, but with you…”

My heart pounded, and the tension of waiting to hear what he had to say made it difficult to breathe. I raised an eyebrow, encouraging him to finish the sentence.

“I don’t want to be friends with benefits,” he finally said. “It sells us both short, because I hope you think I’m special, too.” He used his free hand to wipe some sweat off his brow. “I don’t want to simply date, either, for the same reason. So why don’t we find out what can really happen? I want to be boyfriends.” He glanced away and gnawed on a thumbnail, then met my eyes again. “Maybe it’s silly for a grown man to want that. Is it? The thing is, I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

He’s never what ? Surely I misunderstood, because how could someone like Luca never have had a boyfriend? All the women and gay men I’d known complained about how hard it was to find someone who was good-looking, smart, and kind. I, too, had waited all my life for a man like that. “It’s not silly at all,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice steady despite my thrumming heart. “People of all ages have boyfriends, and I’d love to be yours.”

Luca’s lips curved, but they didn’t stop at a smile; instead, he showed me one of his weapons of mass seduction. “Really? Then I’ll…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to see anyone else,” he said, “and I wish you wouldn’t either. I’d be a wreck, and I know that’s on me, and I might just have to suck it up. But I sure hope?—”

“I don’t want to see anyone else, either. Being boyfriends means being fully committed to each other, so let’s go all in.” There, that left no doubt, in case he had any.

My shorts had ridden up, and he played with the hair on my thigh and gazed into my eyes. “Yeah, so… To make it official, will you… uh… be my boyfriend? Exclusively?”

My heart kicked up another notch, drumming a manic tattoo against my rib cage. I liked him far too much to say no. In fact, I’d already said yes, but now I realized I should have told him some things first. Luca had been honest with me, and he deserved nothing less in return. A muscle under my eye twitched. “I’d love to, but there are a few things about me you should know. I’ll feel better if I tell you while you can still back out.”

He scooted against the back of the sofa and nodded. “Go ahead, but I don’t think you’ll change my mind.”

Despite Luca’s openness, the pizza in my stomach had turned to lead. “When we play, you sometimes call me ‘straight guy.’ I actually used to date women. I had a few girlfriends, but they never lasted long. We’d start out fine, but then they’d get restless. After a time or two, I could see it coming. They’d be all in—eager to go to team parties and banquets, that kind of thing—but then they’d pull back, find excuses not to go out, get slow at returning texts. It wouldn’t be long until they told me I was nice, but they needed something else, from someone else.”

Furrows appeared between Luca’s brows. “That doesn’t add up because you’re amazing. I’m gay, so I’ve never dated women, but I’ve had lots of women friends who’d have killed for a guy like you.”

I shrugged. “Too bad I didn’t know them, I guess.”

“Are you telling me you’re bi?”

That was a question I’d considered for years, and I still had no firm answer. “Maybe, but I’m not sure. The first time I had sex was at my senior prom with my girlfriend, and to be honest, it wasn’t all that great. I was excited to lose my V-card, and the sex felt good, but it wasn’t anything special. When my teammates lost theirs, you’d have thought the heavens opened and bands played. It was like it transformed their lives, and they’d say it was the best thing they ever felt. But my reaction was, well, I can check that off my list.”

“That’s interesting.” Luca drank some of his tea, and when I didn’t say more, he angled to face me again. “You dated girls in college?”

The weirdness of those days came back—always being a little queasy, knowing that whoever I went out with, it wouldn’t last. “The first couple of years, yes. Kind of had to, really. The hockey team at Mohegan had a very straight vibe at the time, and if you didn’t have a girl on your arm, you definitely got funny looks.”

“Thank fuck it wasn’t like that at Marlowe. The guys always knew I was gay, and I wasn’t the only gay man on the team, which probably helped.” Luca scratched the stubble on his chin. “Were you having sex with guys back while you dated women?”

“No, but I was attracted to men. I had a teammate who was so gorgeous he turned me inside out. Sometimes when we were alone, I’d get hard just from being near him. I always fantasized about leaning over to give him a kiss.”

“Did you?”

I shook my head. “Long story, but I was a coward, and he wasn’t well. He made himself out to be a womanizer and eventually had a baby with one of his girlfriends. After that, he totally lost his mind. When Coach Caldwell came to Mohegan my senior year, he wound up throwing the guy off the team.”

“Damn. But you and this guy never did anything sexual?”

“Not even close.” Time to stop talking about Eckie, since his place in my story was tangential at best. “I didn’t have sex with a guy until the fall of my junior year, and I’ve never dated a woman since. Nothing against them, and I know when one’s hot. I just… I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to, like anyone else.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I’m glad I made the cut.”

“No question.” I trailed a finger across Luca’s knee before going on. “Anyway, there was this guy at school named Manny. We had a couple of classes together and hung out some. It was obvious we liked each other, but I’d never been with a man, so I didn’t know what to do. We flirted a lot, and I tried to find the courage to make a move.” My throat was dry, so I reached for my tea.

“That’s hard when you’ve never done it before. It took me forever the first time. I thought I’d never get up the nerve.”

My hand trembled as I set my iced tea back on the table. I couldn’t believe I was telling Luca about the first man who broke my heart, but it was part of my story. Except for Eckie, when we were both Cudas, I’d never told anyone else. “One night, we were sitting on Manny’s bed playing video games. I glanced at him, and he leaned over and kissed me. My heart took off, and so did my dick. Almost before I knew what was happening, our pants were off, and my dick was in his mouth. It felt incredible, and I’d never come so hard. When I returned the favor, I liked sucking him as much as when he blew me. It was how I’d expected my senior prom to feel. Needless to say, I was hooked.”

Luca grinned. “Harper Blanton, hooked on dick.”

“I was, and I was also hooked on Manny. Hockey kept me busy, but if I wasn’t at the rink, on a roadie, or in class, Manny and I were together. A few weeks later, we became boyfriends, and I don’t think I’d ever been that happy before. I was crazy about him.”

“Had you ever been in love?”

“No, and I don’t think I loved him yet. That happened over the holiday break. We were apart for two weeks, and I missed him more than I ever had with anyone else. When we returned to school, I told him I was in love, and he said he loved me, too.”

“First love.” Luca glanced away, and I figured he was thinking about Caleb. He may not have loved Caleb anymore, but his feelings were still raw. After a moment, he met my eyes and said, “Your first love. What a trip, huh?”

“It was,” I said, shifting closer to Luca and taking his hand. “Manny and I had to keep things a secret because I wasn’t ready to come out, or even sure what I should come out as. But we were inseparable, and I was so wrapped up in him I couldn’t see anything else. My schoolwork slipped, and my hockey suffered, but my feelings for Manny only deepened. I started having these stupid daydreams, like maybe we’d turn out to be more than a college fling.” I paused, and my voice was heavy when I continued. “Looking back, I can see he started pulling away, just like my girlfriends had, but I was too in love to realize it then. We were still together all the time, having sex whenever we could, and it never crossed my mind that…”

Luca let go of my hand and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “What?”

I blew out a shaky breath. “The Lions made it to the Frozen Four that year. We didn’t win, but the experience was unreal. Manny and I texted a few times over the weekend even though I was so busy it was almost impossible to find the time. As soon as the team got back to campus on Sunday, I went straight to his room. He didn’t answer when I knocked, but after I started texting to see where he was, he finally opened the door. A guy I’d seen around campus was there, standing by the bed in his underwear. He looked at me, and after a moment, he pulled on his jeans. It was clear what had been going on.”

“ Fuck , Harper.” Luca squeezed my shoulders and pulled me closer.

The pain throbbed like it had happened yesterday. Nothing hurts as much as realizing the person you love doesn’t love you.

Luca broke the silence. “I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“The guy left. I wanted to go, too, but I was too shocked to move. Manny said we should talk.”

I struggled to find the right words, and Luca didn’t push. He just squeezed my shoulders, giving me exactly what I needed—time, patience, and the reassurance of his touch. His calmness steadied me, and I finally took a breath. “Manny said he didn’t want to break up, but he needed to see other men, too. He thought monogamy was for straight people, and that I wasn’t someone he could see himself with long-term.”

“What did you say?”

“His words snapped me out of it. I told him to go fuck himself because I sure wouldn’t be doing it anymore. Then I walked out, wondering what was so wrong with me. I’d thought he felt the same way I did, so why wasn’t I good enough? And considering what he really wanted, why didn’t I deserve the truth instead of humiliation?”

“Nothing was wrong with you, and nothing is wrong with you now, either. He was fucked up. You’re a wonderful man, Harper. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Then why did it keep happening?”

He tilted his head to the side. “You went back to him?”

“No. But the girlfriends, then Manny… After that, I hooked up and had a few flings that went nowhere. They usually ended with the guy giving me a version of the same speech the others had: ‘You’re nice, Harper, but this won’t work long-term. I need more.’”

“Fuck that because it’s a goddamn lie. It tells a lot about the guys who said it, and it says nothing about you.” Luca chewed his lips for a moment, and then spoke more calmly. “Have you been in a relationship since?”

“Yes.” I sat up to stretch my neck, then leaned back against Luca. “The first year I was in D.C., I met a guy at a team event. It was one of those things where fans paid to go to a party with the players. His name was Simon. He seemed great, so we made plans to meet later for a drink. That led to dating, and before I knew it, we were in a relationship.”

The memory of that disaster hit me like a punch to the gut, leaving me breathless. I buried my face in my hands, and Luca leaned in close to my ear. “You don’t have to?—”

“Give me a sec, okay?” When I caught my breath, I lowered my hands and looked at Luca. “I don’t feel like going into all the details. I’ll tell you more sometime when we’re drunk, but for now, can I just tell you the basics? Enough for you to understand?” I felt bad asking since Luca had been so honest with me, but I didn’t have the strength to make it all into a story.

Luca wrapped his arm around my shoulders again. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. Basics are fine.”

“Thanks. Simon was a lawyer, lived in Georgetown. We spent all the time we could together, and before long, it was almost like we were married. I thought my dreams were coming true at last. We were together for about a year and a half. We had occasional arguments, but we always worked everything out. I started thinking about proposing, even looked at rings.” I stopped talking while a fire engine raced by outside, and when things got quiet again, I went on. “It was in the spring. The Barracudas had a good season and made it to the Stanley Cup finals, but we lost.”

“I remember that. The refs were for shit.”

I nodded. “That’s for fucking sure. Anyway, when the team got back to town, Simon was in the middle of a trial. We agreed to have dinner on Friday at his place, and as soon as I showed up, I knew something was different. I tried to kiss him, but he turned away after I barely touched his lips. We talked about the weather and his upcoming trial schedule until halfway through the braciole he’d made. Then he took a sip of his wine, sat back in his chair, and smiled. I wondered if he was about to say he loved me.”

My voice broke, and Luca patted my shoulder. “It’s okay, babe. Take your time.”

“He didn’t say that. Instead, he gave me the speech I’d heard so many times before. I was a nice guy who was fun to be with. He said I was hot, and nobody had ever fucked him the way I did. Yada, yada, yada.”

“What was the problem, then?” Luca asked. “Sounds perfect.”

“I asked the same question. He told me that as great as I was, he didn’t want to waste our time anymore.”

“What the fuck?”

“He said, ‘I like you, Harper, but being with an athlete upsets my routine too much. Even if I could deal with that, you don’t add enough value to my life to be worth it. You’re a good guy, but you’re not a keeper.’”

Luca’s jaw dropped, and tears filled his eyes. “The fucking bastard. He actually said that to you? Using those words?”

“Exactly.”

“Goddamn him and fuck no! First off, you don’t say shit like that to somebody, even if it’s true. And believe me, what he said was so far from true.” He removed his arm from my shoulders, then turned to face me. “You are beyond amazing. I’ve never known anyone as special as you. You are a keeper; do you hear me? You. Are. A. Keeper.”

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly as a choked sob escaped and I dissolved into tears. I wasn’t just crying because of what Simon had said. Luca’s tale had broken my heart, and his reaction to my story was the comfort I’d needed for years. He sniveled, and we clung to each other while we cried.

Neither of us had done anything to deserve the pain we’d suffered. We fell in love with men who seemed to be amazing, only to have them rip us apart. Caleb’s behavior had left Luca with scars that might never heal, and my past was a ghost that could haunt me forever. Harsh words and betrayals don’t fade away. They transform, taunting you from the shadows with constant whispers that you aren’t good enough.

Luca had asked me to be his boyfriend, and I’d said yes. Could this help us heal? Would a genuine relationship based on trust and caring make us whole? I’d told him my story to give him fair warning of what he would be getting into with me, and though I doubted he’d renege on his question, it was time to find out.

We’d stopped crying, so I reached for a box of tissues from the side table, and Luca reached for my hands after we cleaned up. His beautiful smile was at odds with his puffy, red-rimmed eyes, and his voice was surprisingly firm. “Thanks for telling me all that, and I’m sorry you went through it. You said I should know in case I wanted to back out of being boyfriends. Now that I’ve heard it, I want to be your boyfriend more than ever. We’ve both got pasts, but you make me hope for a better future. I like you so much, Harp. Please, still say yes.”

I broke into a smile to match his. “Yes, I’d love to be boyfriends.”

He leaned in, his lips brushing softly against mine before he darted his tongue out to taste the corner of my mouth. I opened for him as he gently tugged on my lower lip, and our tongues met in a passionate dance that had me buzzing with desire. I couldn’t believe my luck. Whatever the future held for Luca and me, I had faith we could weather any storm, but those were thoughts for another day. Right now, I was taking my incredible boyfriend upstairs to seal the deal.