Crossed Sticks (Buffalo Warriors Hockey #1)

34. Luca

34 /

luca

Caleb gripped his hands together and placed them on his lap. The glint of fear in his eyes made me consider what I was about to do, but hashing out our feelings about each other was something that had to happen. Though he may have thought I was about to end our friendship, my intent was the opposite—I wanted to save it. “Things have been weird between us for years,” I began. “Our friendship changed when we started having sex, and then it changed again when you fell in love with Daniel.”

“I never promised you anything beyond friendship. We specifically agreed we were only friends with benefits, and we were free to date and have sex with other people. You always knew I was looking for someone long-term.”

“Yes, and I wanted to be that person.”

He scoffed, and his voice took on a sharp edge. “Funny how you never told me that until after I was with Daniel.”

I was determined to remain calm, even if Caleb didn’t. “You think it wasn’t funny how you never mentioned Daniel until you had to?”

“I told you about him as soon as I realized he was at Marlowe.”

“You said how much he’d hurt you, and how you didn’t know if you could stand seeing him in class every day. After that, not another word until you were dating him, and you didn’t even care enough to tell me yourself. I had to hear it secondhand, like someone you barely knew.” The sharp clench of my stomach surprised me. I’d relived what happened—how devastated I was—a million times. The pain got worse over the years, but Caleb and I had never discussed it like this.

“How were you any better? Don’t you remember what a jerk you were?”

“That lasted all of one day before I told you I was in love with you, which you barely sneezed at.”

“That isn’t fucking fair. I felt awful about how upset you were.”

I waved a hand, signaling him to keep his voice down. “And after my one day of being a bastard, I did everything I could to help you both. I’ve supported you ever since.”

He blew out an angry breath. “And I’ve thanked you ever since. How long do I have to keep doing it?”

“You’ve said it enough.” My voice was harsh, and I spent a moment trying to calm down. “I don’t need you to keep telling me. I need you to show me.”

“Show you what? What the hell do you expect me to do?”

“Keep your voice down, to start with. You want the nurse coming back?”

He shook his head and stared at the wall.

“Show me I’m important enough to let me have my own life,” I said. “Treat me with more respect as far as you and Daniel are concerned. Allow me to be happy and support me as much as I have you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The hell you don’t. Look at me, Cale.”

He turned his head and glowered in my direction. “I treat you with respect. How many times have I said I want you to be happy? If you haven’t heard me, that’s your problem.” He’d gotten too loud again, but I allowed him to have his moment of righteous indignation.

I couldn’t believe how blind he was. Caleb had a good heart, so why couldn’t he admit how much he’d hurt me over the years? He was still hurting me today, yet except for his angry expression, he looked like the man I’d always known, the man I once loved. “You say you want me to be happy, but you’ve always been negative when I’ve talked about guys. I never told you about any specific man I liked until Harp, and remember how you were about him? You said terrible things, tried to make me believe he was using me. You’d never even fucking met him. The truth is you don’t want me to be with anyone, and it’s time to tell me why.”

“That’s ridiculous.” He’d brought his voice down to an angry mumble. “If you’re still in love with me and mad about Daniel?—”

Anger gripped me, much stronger than before. He was so self-centered he thought the world revolved around him. “I’m not trying to argue or make you feel bad. For once in my life, I’m telling you how I feel, and if you care about me, you ought to listen. You should give a damn.”

He folded his arms over his chest, pursed his lips, and stared at the fucking wall again. “I give plenty of damns how you feel.”

“Oh really? Is that why every time I’m with you and Daniel, you make a show of how much you’re in love? I can handle that, because it’s true. What I can’t handle are the times when it’s so over the top, it seems like you’re rubbing it in my face that you didn’t pick me.”

“You’ve made all this up in your head.”

“Hm. Did I imagine how you talked to him all through dinner last spring like I wasn’t there? Maybe I’ve been hallucinating when you and Daniel tell me about the fun you have but never bother to ask if I’m dating someone. And I must have forgotten the times you’ve made sure you and your best friend had a few hours of one-on-one time. You wouldn’t even go help me pick out a new tux for last year’s awards banquet after I flew to Chicago specifically to buy one.”

“I was getting a cold.”

“Every time we spend the night in the same place, you and Daniel are so loud I can’t possibly miss what’s going on.” He turned back toward me, and I continued my rant. “Whenever you two stay at my apartment, I always give you the bedroom and sleep on the couch. What are you thinking when you not only fuck in my bed but make sure I hear it banging around, not to mention every sound either of you makes?”

A bright red blush stained his cheeks as he lifted a shaky hand to his mouth. “Is that true? And you think we’ve done it on purpose? Oh God, I’m embarrassed just hearing you say it.”

“You think I haven’t been embarrassed hearing it? Or hurt that you didn’t respect me enough to be quiet?”

“I had no idea. I feel awful for doing that to you.”

“If you’ve truly been that oblivious, it doesn’t surprise me. You haven’t paid attention to my feelings for years. How could you not realize it would make me feel like shit to hear someone who rejected me fuck the guy he replaced me with?”

Fire erupted in his eyes. “That is so unfair. I didn’t reject you, Luca. I fell in love. It wasn’t my fault you didn’t tell me how you felt until it was too late. You have no idea how many times I thought you’d be the perfect guy if only you loved me. If you cared enough to be faithful to me.”

“I didn’t sleep with anyone else for the last six months we were together, and you fucking know it.”

“Another thing you neglected to tell me until after I fell in love with Daniel.”

“I told you many times. You just weren’t listening.”

“Because you were talking in code.”

We huffed in unison, something that would probably have been funny if we weren’t having it out. I took a calming breath before going on. “If you honestly thought I might be the one, did it ever occur to you to talk to me about it?”

“Yes and no.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Yes, I thought about it. I was afraid it might drive you away because we’d agreed so clearly about the boundaries of what we were doing. I didn’t want to lose your friendship, but now I learn you’ve held things against me for years.”

Caleb was on the defensive, so I reached for his hand. “I’ve held on to them because I’ve been so hurt. I know I never talked about it, but I expected you to be more sensitive, at least about some things. I guess that was unfair to you, but it’s hurt me anyway.”

He sniffled, and when a few fat tears ran down his cheeks, he batted them away with his free hand. “I love you,” he croaked. “I’m sorry it’s not the kind of love you want.”

“I don’t want that kind of love from you anymore. When I see how happy you and Daniel are, I don’t know if you and I could have had that. I’m not sure I was ready for that level of caring. I am…” A burgeoning sob tried to cut me off, but I swallowed it and choked out the rest of what I needed to say. “I’m ready for it now with Harper. I love him, Cale.”

He looked into my eyes for a long moment, then nodded. “You may not believe me, but that’s the best thing I’ve heard in years.”

I wanted to shake him. He’d just been denying everything I said, even accusing me of creating it in my head. Caleb was smarter than this, so maybe I was missing something. I looked him in the eye. “How could you behave the way you have since we were in college, and then say that learning I’m in love is the best thing you’ve heard in years? Like I said before, you’ve acted like you didn’t want me to be with another man.”

He shook his head slowly. “It’s complicated.”

At least he wasn’t still trying to deny it. “If you consider me your best friend, you’d better try to explain.”

“You’re right—I’ve been trying to protect you. I haven’t felt guilty for loving Daniel, but I have felt horrible for hurting you as much as I did. I never wanted you to feel like that again.”

“Fuck, Caleb.” I groaned and scrubbed my hands over my face. “Don’t you understand you were only hurting me more? I needed to heal so I could find someone to be happy with, and you’ve held me back. I’m beginning to understand, but why did you say such insulting things about Harper? And while we’re at it, did you want to hurt him a couple of weeks ago? It sure seemed like you did.”

He dropped his chin and sighed. Unwilling to say anything until he answered me, I looked around the small area where we sat. A sickly-looking philodendron sat on the floor near the window, and a few dusty books on a side table looked like no one had touched them for years. A stained cowboy print hung crookedly on the wall, completely out of place. Faded blue carpet and a box of tissues next to the ratty books completed the furnishings.

With my inventory done, I was tired of waiting. “Caleb? Please answer my question.”

After another sigh, he raised his head and gave me a pleading look. “I guess I always pictured you with someone more like me, so as soon as you started talking about a hockey player, I got scared. I was used to hearing about your hookups, but it was obvious you felt strongly about Harper. You already liked him, and I thought if I could keep you from getting in too deep, you wouldn’t be so hurt when he moved on.”

I was unprepared for how much that hurt. “What made you so certain that would happen?”

“I wasn’t, but I was afraid he’d hurt you. I wondered if he may have been trying to use you, but more than that, I thought he could be one of those guys who go through people.”

Pressing my lips together, I tried to quell the irritation working its way around inside me. Surely, Caleb didn’t think I could only attract men who were assholes. “Why would you assume this about someone you’d never met—someone you could already tell I liked?”

“To be honest, I looked him up on the web, and his social media hardly ever shows him with the same person twice. Most of them are women, too.”

I scoffed. “That stuff is all old, from his college days. I know he dated women then, and he’s shown me his social media. He said he was going to delete it, but that wasn’t long before you came to town. I think I’d better remind him.”

“I noticed the pics were older, but just because he wasn’t posting anymore didn’t mean he’d changed.”

“There was nothing to change. People were hurting him, not the reverse.”

Caleb spent a moment inspecting his nails before answering. “Okay, I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. But I care about you, and I suppose I’ve never thoroughly processed things. Apparently, I’m not the most thoughtful person, and I’ve been unfair to you and Daniel both. He and I fought because he said I was still too involved in your life, and now I find out you’ve thought so, too.” He paused before saying, “I guess I have been.”

Since he’d ignored one thing I asked, I repeated the question. “Were you trying to hurt Harper? Chase him away?”

“No. I admit I had doubts, and I wanted to see him for myself. I figured if I still had a bad feeling after meeting him, I could give you concrete reasons why. But I was so upset after Daniel and I argued, it was hard to think about anything else. I liked Harper, as much as I could tell.”

“Then why the hell were you so cold that morning? You must have seen how upset he was, and you fucking offered him coffee.”

“Do you know me at all?” He’d raised his voice again, but immediately held up his free hand in apology. “I’m like the walking dead in the morning. I wasn’t trying to be insensitive, and I didn’t mean to make things worse.”

His eyes were fixed on mine, and he looked sincere. Caleb had always been foggy when he woke up. Over the last several minutes, anger and frustration had driven us to say some harsh words about things we should have discussed years earlier. Although he’d first denied what I said, he finally admitted the truth. When you’ve been close to someone for years, you develop a good sense of when they’re being dishonest. “I believe you,” I said. “Thanks for telling me the truth.”

His forehead relaxed, and he breathed out a relieved sigh. “About everything?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, Luki. Please forgive me for not treating you the way I should’ve.”

My heart fluttered. Those were words I’d needed to hear from him for years, and I couldn’t hold in my emotions. I burst into tears, and he let go of my hand and pulled me close. He was finally seeing me, acknowledging my pain, and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. After I calmed down, I pulled back enough to see his eyes. “I forgive you, but this can’t happen again. You’ve got to let me live my own life.”

“I promise.” He handed me some tissues from the side table. After I dried my eyes, he reached for my hand again. “I’ll be more sensitive to your feelings, and if you ever get hurt, I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.” He squeezed my hand. “Things will work out for you and Harper. I could tell you two were in love when I was there. I even thought about how funny it was that neither of you realized it yet.”

My stomach relaxed a little. “What should I do, Cale? I love him so much.”

“You have to tell him. You both deserve a chance to be happy, and I hope he’ll realize how lucky he is to have you.”

“I need to go see him. It takes about three hours to drive to their camp. Will you go with me?”

“Where are they?”

“Rocky River, Ohio. Outside Cleveland.”

He shook his head. “The nurse said you can’t leave until tomorrow, and I still don’t think you should.”

“I’ve got to tell him in person. Even if I can get him on the phone, who tells someone they’re in love that way? Let’s just leave now. What can the nurses do if I walk out, call the police?”

He rubbed his mouth. “They might, Luca.”

“Fuck.”

“Let’s wait until morning. If you still want to go, I’ll drive you there. You shouldn’t be alone.”

I’d have much rather left right then, but Caleb’s plan was probably best. Besides avoiding a possible encounter with the police, I’d have a chance to rest up for a confrontation with Dr. Putnam. “It’s not like Harp’s leaving tonight, so let’s do as you say.”

We decided Caleb would stay at my apartment and bring me clean clothes in the morning. After that was settled, I asked if he and Daniel were doing okay.

“Better than ever. The fight helped us move past some things that had been bothering us, not only how I felt about you. I don’t think we’ve ever been closer than since I went back to Chicago.”

“Glad to hear it. I may have felt all kinds of things, but I’ve always wanted you to be happy.”

“I know that, and I hope you can be happy, too.”

While we shared another hug, a nurse came in. “Dinner’s in ten minutes,” he said, then glanced at Caleb. “I’m sorry, but visiting hours are over since there’s group therapy tonight. You can come back tomorrow anytime between nine to nine.”

“Can’t Caleb stay?” I asked. “He flew all day to get here.”

The nurse shook his head. “We have to be fair to everyone, so there are no exceptions.”

“It’s okay,” Caleb said. “I’m tired, and we’ll have all day tomorrow.”

“Don’t forget dinner,” the nurse told me, then left.

Caleb patted my hand. “Thanks for being honest with me, Luki. I’m sorry for hurting you all this time, and I promise to be much more considerate.”

“You already apologized, and I’m glad we could work things out.” I walked him to the door, and we shared another hug before he left.