Cursed by Darkness (Once Upon A Curse)

38. Juniper

THIRTY-EIGHT

Juniper

2 DAYS LATER…

But every once in a while, a ruler would come about and try to negotiate peace. It would last for a time, but eventually, the need for control would reclaim the lands and people, and the battle began anew.

J uniper initially feared the blood and dirt would be permanently stained into her hands, but eventually, one of the other healers showed her, Richard, and Inaya where to wash up. Now, after being in camp for a week, she had a routine of visiting the spring near the mountains at the end of each day. Or rather, when she finally took a break to sleep and eat.

Tonight was no different. She’d walked northeast of the camp, past the war tent, with a group of others to clean off in the cool fresh water. It had long since gone dark when she made it to their tent, yet she still made it before her husband, who’d spent most of his time lately fighting on the battlefield with his people—against everyone’s commands that he stay behind where it was safer. Rafe had done so, but Bodin refused. It terrified her when he was gone. It terrified her that Laurent, Hugo, Delroy, and Samuel were also out there. Everything about this scared her. The only way she got through it was by staying busy with the wounded.

Juniper sighed and lay back, missing their bed at home. She refused to sleep until Bodin returned. Not that she could while this worried anyway.

By some unspoken word, the fighting stopped when the sun set. Both sides were too exhausted to continue, and most nights, it was impossible to see well enough to know who to go after. The soldiers retreated to regroup. A perimeter was set to make sure the other side didn’t try to attack. Then, in the morning, it started over again with the first rays of sunlight.

However, even though the fighting stopped at sunset, Bodin and Juniper did not rest right away. While she helped with the wounded or with cooking, Bodin was planning and trying to come up with a way to win this war.

Releasing her braid and running her hands through her hair, Juniper yawned. She reached under her side of the bedroll for Bodin’s second journal—the one he’d given her just before leaving. He’d explained that it was what he used after the other, and that it shared even more about the monster. She’d brought it along with the storybook about the gods and goddess

It still amazed her that she’d been able to take the storybook out of the portal world. Bodin had said that it was possible for small things he’d already created. For all intents and purposes, the book was real once made. It didn’t take effort to keep it in existence. Just like the dagger he’d gifted her.

Honestly, it made her head reel a little bit. Bodin couldn’t just create whatever he wanted anywhere. It was too difficult. He needed the confined space, such as the cellar rooms to expand and shift, manipulating it into whatever he wanted. Yet, even with that limitation… the possibilities were endless. She couldn’t help but wonder if the portals could be used to help the kingdom. Their people would never need to suffer from things such as famine if he could create boundless crops. Could he create tonics? Medicines?

She leaned closer to the lantern, flipping to where she’d left off to read more about the Ombrete. Something tickled the back of her mind, and she knew it had to do with this book. Most of it was scribbles of random thoughts Bodin had while exploring more of his portal magic, similar to the first journal. But it was the shadow creature and what Bodin went through while dealing with that part of him that she kept coming back to.

It still broke her heart to know he had that inside of him. Where did it come from exactly? Bodin said it was once a powerful being, but what kind? She’d seen mentions of monsters in books about the past and in fairy tales, but none existed now, and nothing like the Ombrete. At least not as far as she knew. If something like the Ombrete lived among them, they would know. It was vicious. Surely it would cause destruction wherever it went.

That thought reminded her of her previous idea regarding its potential use against their enemies. But Bodin couldn’t control it. No one could.

It’s a constant battle. Even after trapping it, I can feel it there, waiting to get out.

She sighed and shook her head. Turning the page, the next words brought tears to her eyes.

I’ll never be free.

That was exactly how she’d felt growing up. When she was locked away, hidden from the world, she had been trapped, and though she had tried to keep her hopes up that one day, things would change, it wasn’t always possible. Even when she’d found ways to sneak out, there were many times where the lonely hopelessness consumed her. And it became a more and more frequent struggle with each passing season.

It had been so bad near the end that when she was told she would marry a stranger—a king rumored to be a monstrous killer—she hadn’t argued. She hadn’t fought against it because she didn’t think anything could be worse than where she was at the time. And if it was, she would have finally ran away.

The tent flap opened, and she looked up at her husband as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“June?” He quickly moved to her, kneeling on their bedroll and pulling her into his arms. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

She lifted the book, and he took it.

“What is it?”

Shifting to wrap her arms around him, she rested her head on his shoulder. She wasn’t sure how to voice why she was crying. “I… I felt the same. I felt the same, and then you…”

A squeak escaped her lips as he tossed the book aside and hauled her onto his lap. He cradled the back of her head, pulling her body as close to his as he could.

“I was so miserable and alone that I didn’t fight when I was told I’d marry you,” she whispered against the side of his neck. “I knew the rumors, but I was still willing to come because I thought… I thought it would be better than…”

Bodin pressed his lips to her temple. Distantly, she knew he was covered in dirt, blood, and the gods knew what else. She couldn’t bring herself to care though, regardless of the fact that she’d just recently washed up.

“I never thought I’d be free,” she said, sitting back just enough to see him in the flickering light of her lantern. “But you set me free, Bodin. You brought me into your home, treated me as an equal, as a friend, and I…”

He lifted a palm to her cheek. “I wrote that long before I met you.”

“It’s still there though. That’s what you said that day, isn’t it? You still feel the Ombrete within you?”

“Yes.” It was barely more than a breath, but it was enough.

Under his skin, he’d explained. Nodding to herself, she reached down between them to tug his shirt up. Once it was off, she put her hand over his heart. The feel of it beating beneath her fingertips made her sigh. How could something so dark and dangerous live in this kind soul?

That tingle returned to the back of her mind, followed by a soft warm breeze drifting in through the tent, and she bit at her lower lip.

“What?” He ran a thumb across her cheek.

Her thoughts jumbled, the words refusing to come out. The moment she said them, he would close those walls around himself again. She had no doubt about that. But with the amount of death she saw the last few days, she still couldn’t help but wonder if this was their answer. If it might be exactly what they needed.

“Please talk to me.”

“I…” She lowered her gaze. “I think you should let it out.”

Bodin tensed, his hand dropping to where her leg rested. He didn’t say a word, but his breathing quickened.

“We’re losing this war, Bo,” she started. “Our numbers are dwindling too fast. We’re not going to last much longer, even with the additional soldiers. You know that. Especially since more Gilarnian troops arrived.”

“Stop,” he breathed.

“I just think?—”

“No.” He lifted her off of his lap and crawled as far away as their small tent allowed. “Stop, Juniper. I can’t.”

“But—”

“No!”

She startled and jumped back at the harsh tone. Her eyes widened. He’d never used that voice with her.

“Fuck, June. I’m sorry.” When he reached for her, she clenched her jaw but didn’t flinch or stop him. Instead, she let him pull her into his arms once more and embrace her. She straddled him as he held her close and repeated, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out. I can’t release it though; I won’t risk my men, my friends.” He ran his fingers through her long waves. “I won’t risk you . I… I can’t lose you.”

Understanding dawned on her. He was scared because the last time it took over, he killed his wife and family. Leaning away, she took his face in both of her hands. His own tightly gripped her waist.

“You won’t lose me,” she said with all the false confidence she could muster.

Sliding a hand into her hair, he held her gaze. “If I become that… thing, I won’t have control. It’s like a completely separate being with its own mind. There wouldn’t be a way to only attack the Gilarnians. I’d hurt our people too, and there’s a chance I’d make it into the camp to destroy the rest of you before moving on to the rest of the kingdom.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me. I know you wouldn’t.”

He shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t. But that monster would if you crossed its path. The creature you saw in the portal? That was like an echo of the real one. It wasn’t as strong, as vicious. The real Ombrete would slaughter everyone .”

Juniper’s stomach twisted at the thought.

“And I wouldn’t survive that. I know I wouldn’t.” His voice lowered. “If something happens to you, if it’s my fault… I will never forgive myself. I don’t want to live in a world where you don’t exist.”

Wrapping her arms around the back of his neck, she kissed him with everything she had. He had to know she felt the same, that she loved him just as fiercely. That was why she had suggested it in the first place. They weren’t going to make it much longer in this battle. He and Rafe had sent out requests to discuss negotiations, but they hadn’t received anything back. There was no way of knowing if the letters even made it.

Bodin twisted, laying her down and hovering over her. He buried his face against her shoulder. “I love you.”

She didn’t think she would ever get tired of this, of him. As they continued hugging, kissing, clinging on to one another, she started to cry for another reason.

“June?” Bodin trailed his fingers down her cheek.

“I just…” she started, shaking her head. “I can’t lose you either. And I can’t stop thinking that something horrible is going to happen to take this all away. I’m so scared, Bo.”

Rolling onto his side, he tugged her against him. They had joked about the dirty things they would do to each other in this tent while they had time together, but right now, this was more than enough. He tightened his arms around her, holding her as she let out the fear and exhaustion.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “If I thought there was any chance that I could control it, I would do this. But it’s not worth the risk, Sunshine.”

She understood that, but she hated it all the same. If he did this, yes, there was a strong possibility he would hurt everyone in the camp. Yet, it could also be the way to save the rest of the kingdom.

“I love you,” she said, pressing a kiss to his chest, right above his heart. “Regardless of what happens, know that I’m so grateful I was brought to you, Bodin. Our time together…”

When she choked on her next words, he simply finished with a quiet, “Me too.”