Daddy’s Mail Order Mate (Twilight Meadows Wolves #3)

Chapter 22 - Gwen

I’ve never Thorn cry. And he clearly has so many reasons to. I watched the guarded and cynical man I’ve spent the few days with dissolve away into the raw bleeding heart of the boy I’d adored all those years ago. At times in his recounting he was slow and staggered, and others he had seemed possessed with how overwhelming it all was. He’s never been so expressive as he is now.

I don’t interrupt him, not even when the story stops and all he does is cry. I just rub his knee and try to offer what silent comfort I can until he comes back up for air. I need the silence myself to try and let my own emotions settle. Eventually, he quiets down and he lowers his hands from his face to rest on each thigh.

“I,” he begins in a hoarse murmur, “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t deserve it. And your forgiveness wouldn’t even make a difference. Because even if you tell me you understand why, and that it’s alright, it’s not. It was never okay and I should have—I should have—... I failed you, Gwen. I failed you in the worst ways and I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be redeemed. I don’t deserve a chance to have you in my life again, even if it’s the one thing I want most. I sacrificed you to save myself and my sister. And you deserved so much better than that. You deserve so much better than that. I can’t offer you the life you should have because I threw what we had away. I’m no better than my parents. I’m worse . I’m the monster they made me into and I’ve been fighting my whole life to be more than that but I—”

Thorn chokes on his own words, the tumult of emotion lurching to a stop as he hitches a breath and tries to get his wind back. I’ve never seen him talk so much or so quickly that he runs out of breath. He starts again, each syllable intentional and strung out as though he is fighting for control of even his own speech.

“Nothing I can ever do now can make up for what I’ve done to you. I abandoned you. I could have found you after I left Portsmill and begged for another chance. I thought about doing that so many times. But I couldn’t—I couldn’t bring myself to. And each year I buried you deeper, to the point I could forget you most of the time. I didn’t deserve your forgiveness then, and I certainly don’t deserve it now. No matter how much—how much I love you, I can’t make up for my mistakes and all I will ever do is hurt you. All I can do is hurt people, Gwen. And I’ve already hurt you so much that it broke me. I can’t bear the thought of hurting you again. But I keep doing it anyways, because that’s…”

His words taper off, and I sense that he’s falling back within the grey torture of his trauma again. I reach out and grab one of his hands and squeeze it tight enough that his eyes lose their dull glaze and focus back on me.

“Thorn.”

He nods mutely.

“It really does seem like both of us had died that day.”

Thorn nods again, slower this time.

“Squeeze my hand,” I softly coax him. “Stay here with me.”

His hand is so much larger than mine, and calloused from years of what I know without a doubt is the darkest sort of labor imaginable. I give his hand a good pulsing grip, but he doesn’t mirror it.

“Can’t,” he mumbles.

“Why?”

“I’ll hurt you.”

“You won’t. I’m pretty tough, if you haven’t noticed,” I tease in soft sarcasm.

That does get his shoulders to move in what must be a deadened chuckle, and after a moment of delay he squeezes back.

“There we go.”

We both sit in silence for a moment as I try to find the words.

“Thorn, I… After you rejected me, I was heartbroken. And not just that, it became clear just how useless I was to pack society. I was a third class citizen in my own life and made to feel like I was garbage meant to be thrown away. The one person who was supposed to always love and accept me rejected me, and I was unable to connect with our kind in the way that is supposed to be innate to all of us.”

I can see him start to dim and withdraw just from his expression, but I squeeze his hand so tightly that it even hurts me until he looks back at me again.

“Thorn. Please listen. Don’t close yourself off from me again. I listened to you with an open heart—do the same for me.”

A silent pulse back is his wordless assurance, and I look him over for a moment before continuing on.

“It’s true that what you did hurt me in profound ways. It’s true that it significantly impacted my life and caused me a lot of suffering and loneliness. But repressing those emotions has hurt us both even more. Sharing our truth, helping each other—This is how we get to heal, Thorn. This is how we get to be happy. I’m tired of being trapped in a painful past while the world keeps going on. And I know you are too.”

Thorn nods once again and rubs his thumb shakily over my knuckles. I huff warmly and smile at the gentle affection, and the look of vulnerability he gives me then makes my heart ache.

“But, Thorn, I… Did you really only reject me because of your parents and your pack? It was nothing to do with us? You wanted to be with me?”

His lips purse together and he goes stonily silent for a few beats before finding his voice again.

“It doesn’t matter why. All that matters is that I did. I was weak and cruel and—”

“Shhhh,” I cut in softly. It does thankfully manage to stop the self-destructive tirade he was starting to work himself into. “We’re not talking about that. I want to know why. So please answer my question. Did you only reject our mate bond because of them?”

There’s a long delay before he finally whispers in reply.

“Yes.”

I sigh out shakily and try to not reel from that firm confirmation of fact presented to me. Thorn needs me to take care of him right now and guide us through these emotions, just as he’s protected me from the dangers of the world.

“I’m… More afraid of a life without you than a life with you, Thorn. I’ve been able to reconnect with pieces of myself I thought I lost, or never had. And it’s not just the wolf. I’ve been able to be happy again, feel love , feel… Hope for the future. I’ve been so terrified of it, but what I want most now is a future with you and Rowan in it. I want to walk this path with you, even if it’s painful, because it will be worth it. You are worth it. And so is he.”

Thorn stares at me with glassy eyes and all I want to do is embrace him and fall apart into my own tears. But I have to hold strong and keep myself together for the important crossroads ahead of us.

“If you want to be with me, say it right here, right now. No one else weighs into this decision. This is you deciding for yourself if you want me. Anything that might get in the way of that—the world, our history, anything—we can figure out together. That is, if you decide that you want me.”

I stare into his eyes with all the bravery I have in me, despite how much hurt and fear my heart holds.

“Declare us as fated mates and renew the bond properly, if that’s what you want. And if you don’t want to be mates, I will walk away right now. Or well, I’ll walk away when they let me out of this bed.”

I take a little pause to chuckle at my own dry joke—I just can’t let a good line pass me by. But after a moment of savoring my own wit, I continue.

“I’ll walk away from you, and Rowan, and this whole society. I can’t and frankly don’t want to be a wolf without you, and if you don’t give me that option, I’m going to just go live like I’m only human and figure out who I am without any of this holding me back anymore.”

With my heart on the line and in his hands, I have to sit and wait for him to make this decision. As much as my anxiety wants to rule me right now, I endure it. I’m tired of running from my emotions, and this will finally set me free either way. Either I’ll get to have a life with Thorn, or I’ll get to have a life without him. And no matter what, I’ll survive and find out how I get to be happy.

His mouth parts open, and I hold my breath in taut expectation. It takes him another second more to find his voice, but he does eventually speak in a hushed, gravelly tone.

“I want you, Gwen. I love you. I want to be mates. Bonded. Us. ”

I sob out in relief and pull a bit on his arm. He knows exactly what I need from that alone and stands to come in and slip his arms around me. I clutch around his broad shoulders and cry into his jacket, and feel the last big waves of grief settle out into hope.

His hand cups my cheek and I turn towards his face, and the two of us meet for the softest, longest kiss we’ve ever shared.