Darkest Descent

16. 16

16

Alice

The world disappeared in a fog of medicine zapping through my veins and the pure horror of trying to reconcile with what happened to me. Who had done it. The person I should be safest with, most loved by, he’d raped me. Anally raped me with our captor, and only after had he so much as flinched.

I couldn’t see a way to recovery, a way to come to terms with the loss I felt. The loss of my body, of him. Of everything I held dear.

So I let the world fog over, didn’t fight the waves of what could only be narcotics numbing my system. It was nice, sinking into that oblivion for as long as it would have me. There was no need to be awake. My body didn’t belong to me anymore.

I dreamed of life before, so recent but so damn far away. Of sunshiny days and laughing with friends on the beach. Of dancing, walking home with sore feet as the sun appeared over the low-rise buildings. Even of sex, healthy, consensual, underwhelming but safe sex. Not forced, not with my brother. Not while I wept.

And when reality tried to force its way in and wake me up, I refused it, staying under the surface, pushing cognition away in favor of the bliss in the back corners of my mind.

“Alice,” my brother’s voice said, soft and warm as it broke through my defenses. “Come on, if you stay unconscious forever, you’ll starve. You need to drink.”

He sounded like he was repeating himself, maybe for the millionth time. But after what he’d done? He could suffer a little longer. It was hard to reconcile my brother with his actions. I understood they came from a place of duress for him, but he hadn’t refused, not once. He’d fallen so deep into his head that he was a zombie, he’d fucking participated and orgasmed from my pain. How could I look at him? Find comfort in him? Let him heal what he’d broken?

We’d broken together, kissing and touching, letting the dirty, taboo thoughts win in our moments of darkness. It had been natural, making him feel good, like my life’s purpose. Simple, I loved him, we shared everything. This was a way to cope. So why wasn’t it the same for him? Why had he wrecked me without flinching ?

Fuck, I wanted to sink, to be gone. I’d never been so done, so ready to sink deeper and deeper until there was nowhere left to go but into death.

Asher continued muttering to me, stroking my hair, and I continued ignoring it, letting myself stay under.

Cool liquid poured onto my tongue after Asher’s voice rose and pleaded with me, and I choked, spluttering, as my eyes flew open like I’d been wrenched back from a dark pit.

“Al!” Asher said, his face a literal inch from mine, relief so palpable across his features it made me soften despite all the anger. He looked stricken, black bags under his eyes so deep they looked like caverns. I managed to move a heavy hand to thump him on the back, and he leaned his head down, resting his forehead on my chest for a moment, a sob wracking through him. I hated his actions, but I didn’t hate him. Could never. Despite what he’d done, he still bought me relief. My body reacted to his and calmed.

“How long has it been?” I croaked through a scratchy throat, my fingers digging into his skin. He was naked, just like me, though I had a sheet draped over my sore skin. Fuck. I hurt. It was obvious someone had pumped me with pain relief because it all seemed on the periphery, a distant thing, but very present, screaming and banging, making my eyes water and my stomach roil .

But nothing would ever compare to the pain of it happening. Of those needles, of the emotional grief when Asher joined in. I knew, I knew, it wasn’t truly him. But still… he cried a little harder when I pushed him away. How could I not? My body wanted what my brain did not.

He sat back on his ass and wiped the tears from under his eyes, never moving his gaze from me. “Two days,” he told me. “You’ve been unconscious for two days. I gave you more medicine than I should have, a higher dose. I remember from before when Mom would do the same… didn’t… I didn’t want you waking up.” He sniffed.

“Why now then?” I asked, wishing to stay in oblivion, even if it would destroy my organs to keep me dosed.

He looked sheepish. “It ran out. Hunter said if we want more, we need to work for it.”

In that moment, I truly, wholly, wanted to die. The shock of such a clear realization washed over me and it almost felt relieving. I didn’t want to suffer through healing, have anything else happen. I wanted death. My body grew heavy with the desire for it, yearning in the aching of my bones, my mind switching off. I sat up. And a scream ripped from me.

Someone had padded my entire crotch and vulva with bandages and sticky ointment, softening the movement, but not enough to stop the sharp, stinging pain from blinding me. The needle wounds wouldn’t be difficult to heal. They were only tiny, after all, but there were so many, and they’d been so mistreated. It was my ass that had me wincing and biting back sobs. Raw was the only word I had for it. Fiery, hot, raw pain.

“I’m sorry,” Asher whimpered, studying me with distraught eyes. He was so blotchy and scared. “I’m so sorry. Please, Al, tell me what to do…” He reached a hand for me before snatching it back. “When I realized what I’d done, I… Al, I’ll never forgive myself.”

I shook my head, ignoring him, and stood up, hobbling to where I’d faced the worst moments of my life. Dried blood crusted my legs. Though it was clear someone had attempted to clean me, there it all remained, staining my abused skin. Signs of my abuse, my torture. It was on the floor, too, underneath the ring that Hunter had threaded the rope through.

I stared at it for as much time as my body would allow, ignoring Asher as he stood too and came up behind me. Even now, even in this pain and betrayal, he bolstered me, kept me strong. I ached to lean into his body.

“You can hurt me,” Asher said after too long in silence. “I want you to hurt me. The things I did, they are indescribable, but the moments before? The uh, progression in our relationship… that was mind-blowing to me. I never thought of you that way, but I think I could grow addicted. You’re so incredible, my other half. I don’t think I can get through this without you. Can we… do you think there’s a way to ever get back there?”

“To a little bit more twincest, you mean?” I spat, trying not to balk too hard at his words. I loved him, of course I did. But time was something I decided I wanted no more of, and time is what we needed to heal. “A bit more illegal fucking, both consensual and non? You raped me, Ash. Shoved your penis inside me, along with the man who kidnapped us. How can I forgive that? Let you touch me in any way like before?” I paused. “It’s wrong, Ash.”

Asher sighed, and I knew he was tearing at his scalp, his fingers shoved into the strands of his hair. “Alice, will you listen to me?”

“I have no choice.”

“He told me he’d kill you if I didn’t, and I know he said the same to you. It’s hard not to believe his threats when we’ve both seen what he’s capable of,” he tried to explain. “I wasn’t in my right mind, I was gone. I’ll never do that again, Alice. Never. And I will spend my entire life groveling at your feet for forgiveness. And even when you’ve given it, I will remain there, all for you. I’m yours, Alice. That’s what this has proven to me. In the moments I was his? I was disgusting. ”

“You were his for too long, Asher. You didn’t come back to me in time.” My voice raised, pain building, and I was still unable to look at him. He was warm at my shoulder, a few steps closer, but didn’t touch. “You took so much pleasure from it. You sucked his cock after, even when you returned to yourself. Explain that!” The image of him licking my blood from Hunter’s cock will haunt me. The way his eyes were blown out with lust, the moans he loosed…

“I’ve seen you with him too,” Asher responded, his need to defend himself rising. “The way you let him touch you? Don’t think it’s just me here, falling under him.”

The truth of his words sent me to my knees. My hatred for Hunter ran deep, right along with my desire for him. It was fucked up, twisted and ruinous, but even in the torture, the pain, the knowledge that I was pleasing him warmed some deep dark part of me. Whatever he was doing was working. Whoever this was for would be thrilled, or scorning him for his horrors. I hadn’t figured it out yet. Who would want this?

So I fell to the floor, my head in my hands, curled up and sobbed. Underneath my torture, in the stains of red and patches of dried wet, I poured my soul out, letting it mix with my lowest point.

At some point, Asher joined me, his knees pressing into mine from the front and his body curving over. I let him hold me, comfort me. In everything, he was still my brother, my twin. My other part. I gave my body what it was begging for. Closed the part of me away that heaved with repulsion.

Hours passed on our knees, and through every second of it, I expected Hunter to come, to pull us apart, force horrors on us and make us break the other one’s heart again. He didn’t, though. He left us alone in our grief. I don’t know if it was compassion or what on his part, but he let us have this.

And with both of us curled over the spot where I’d pushed the needle into the ground, it worked in our favor. Hunter couldn’t see as I clawed at the groove in the concrete floor, shoving my nail in until it bled, to prise the thin needle free. When it had rolled to my feet while I was half-unconscious and dripping blood, I thought for sure he’d notice me using my toe to grind it into the crevice under the soles of my feet.

But he didn’t.

And as I slipped the needle under the bandages over my groin, back to the scene of the crime, it was with renewed vigor. Asher’s breath caught on a gasp when he saw it, but I silenced him with a quick peck on the cheek. We couldn’t speak on it, didn’t know how good Hunter’s microphones were. But it was there. I would get the bastard .

Asher and I were going to die down here, of that I was certain, but I would cause Hunter as much pain as possible on our way out.

Hopefully, he would join us in hell.