Darling Wildfire (Red Rabbit #2)

71

THERON

The nightmare dissolved and I lunged from the bed. I tore the lamp off the nightstand and smashed it onto the floor. I pulled the bed apart until the room was filled with down and feathers. I was unable to control myself. The visceral emotions clawed their way out of me, needing a release. My fist repeatedly slammed into the wall until the plaster was broken and smeared with my blood. I knocked the dresser over, pulled out drawers until the room was destroyed and I couldn’t see through the tears. Sobs wracked my body until I was shaking uncontrollably.

The grief ripped through me—I missed them so badly my heart physically ached in my chest. But with it was also the rage at myself—I’d failed them.

I’d fucking failed them.

And I’d hurt Emersyn and watched her die.

At some point the door must have been forced open because Nyx, Atlas and Knight were standing in the doorway. I slid down the wall, my head in my hands as I sobbed, unable to stop.

“I failed them,”

I gasped over and over again. “I couldn’t save them.”

Nyx knelt next to me and grabbed me, Atlas on my other side, and they held me while I broke apart. I never had the chance to grieve. I’d been thrown into a situation that required my composure, my leadership and for my emotions to be boxed up and put away.

Then I’d had to hurt my daughter—fucking hurt her—and watch her die…

Now, it was all crashing down around me.

The failure, the sadness, the broken heart—I felt it all viscerally and painfully. I couldn’t breathe—I didn’t want to live, but I knew I couldn’t die either.

I don’t know how long I sat there with Nyx and Atlas by my side but as my breathing steadied; I leaned my head back against the wall and took in the destruction of the room. Nyx relaxed and sat down next to me Atlas moved to sit across from us, leaning against the knocked down dresser that was cracked on one side.

“Fuck,”

I muttered.

Some guest—destroying my friend’s house. Before I could apologize, Knight spoke up.

“Mine was the kitchen.”

I looked up and saw Knight leaning against the doorway. “One night I lost it and destroyed the kitchen. Glass everywhere,”

he gave me one of his rueful smiles and shrugged. “Felt good at the time. It’s just stuff.”

“Now do you want to talk about them?”

Nyx asked.

I never knew what people meant by heartbreak until now.

The grief was so strong, the rage so potent—I could feel it as a tangible, solid thing inside me, but I nodded, needing an outlet.

“I was married,”

I said. “We had twins. Cole and Emersyn—Emy—”

I told them all about how I’d met Whit. I talked about how much of a handful the twins were but also how much fun it was to see the world through their eyes. I talked about the adventures we’d go on as a family and how much I didn’t realize they’d helped heal me after being around so much death.

Then I told them about the lake house.

By the time I was done, my voice was hoarse and I was exhausted, but I felt much better. They deserved to know everything because I wouldn’t stop until Vetticus was destroyed.

“There is nothing I won’t do to get my revenge,”

I said. “Nothing is more important to me.”

Nyx nodded and when he stood up he held out his hand to help me to my feet.

“I wouldn’t have made it through Atrox without you,”

Nyx said, gripping my forearm as I stood. “Even if that wasn’t the case—even if I didn’t owe you everything and then some—I have a score to settle with Vetticus. I’m not going anywhere.”

Atlas put his hand on my shoulder. “We’re with you till the end.”

Since none of us could go back to sleep after that, Knight threw some water in a pack and herded us all outside, claiming there was something he wanted to show us. Five miles later, amidst complaints from Nyx on walking this far on an empty stomach, we broke through the trees and arrived on the top of a bluff. Before us was a vast blanket of forest touched by pinks and golds as the sun broke the horizon. A sense of peace swept over me. Knight handed me a water bottle and nodded behind him.

“There are a few cool spots over that way,”

he winked at me before he went and settled on a rock he’d obviously visited many times before.

I wandered around the bluff and eventually found a spot I liked. I sat down and watched the sunrise over the forest, letting the calm settle into my bones. It had been a while since I’d felt safe and I probably wouldn’t feel that way for a long time to come. The path forward was bloody, dark and merciless.

Violence was in my blood. Preacher had been right in his worry—it was easy to lose yourself to the darkness and I’d lost a part of myself to Vetticus. Although truthfully, I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever really found it again after my last deployment. It was easy to see blood as the path to redemption. My humanity was questionable now, what would it be once all of this was over? All I knew was that humanity was just one thing I’d sacrifice for retribution.

I put three stones on top of each other and once more put my family to rest, but with closure this time. With love and grief and heartbreak and with the promise that I wouldn’t let them down again. I kissed my fingertips, brought them to the stones and sent one last yearning of the heart out into the universe. If there was a heaven, I wasn’t under any illusions that I would join them, so this was my goodbye. I rose and went to find Nyx.

I found him glaring into the sunset with a pile of broken sticks in front of him. I sat down next to him and let the silence stretch for a bit.

“I’m just so angry,”

Nyx finally said. “He’s made me question everything—”

“What do you mean?”

“What if what I have with Atlas is only because of what Vetticus did to me?”

“Do you love Atlas?”

Nyx hesitated then nodded and the anger fell off his face slightly at the admission.

“I do. I-I don’t think I’m gay. I think we’re just us, you know? I can’t imagine being with other men except for him—and you.”

He flashed me one of his rogue smiles and I chuckled.

“You know I don’t lean that way. But if I did—you and Atlas would be it,”

I grinned.

Nyx shrugged good naturedly and the rest of the anger fell away. “It was worth a shot.”

“I like to share though,”

I said. “Watching you both with Red and sharing her was hot. I wouldn’t mind having that kind of situation one day.”

“Maybe we’ll find a girl for all of us at the end of this,” Nyx said.

“Maybe,” I echoed.

We sat in comfortable silence for a bit.

“Are you okay?”

Nyx asked me.

I nodded. “Yeah. I wasn’t able to grieve for them properly. Vetticus took that away from me too. And then with everything that just happened…”

I shook my head. “It was all bound to come out sometime.”

“I think what I’m most angry about, isn’t that he did what he did, but that he made me question myself,”

Nyx said. “He made me hate myself.”

“Do you? Hate yourself?”

Nyx frowned down at the stick in his hand but his thoughts weren’t on it. He broke it apart into a few pieces then sighed heavily.

“Not like before. You and Atlas helped with that. But I don’t think this is an overnight kind of thing.”

“No, it’s not,” I agreed.

I clasped him on the shoulder, then rose and went to find Atlas.

Atlas wasn’t watching the sunrise. He was sprawled out on his back with his shirt over his face and one arm behind his head. I lowered myself down next to him. Atlas moved his shirt and sighed.

“Do you think he’ll come after us?”

“I don’t know,”

I said honestly.

“I’m not going back,”

Atlas said vehemently.

Atlas sat up and draped his arms over his knees, hanging his head.

“I’ve never felt that close to destruction before,”

he said quietly. “So out of control.”

I reached over and grabbed his neck. “Look at me,”

I commanded.

He lifted his head and I saw the haunted look in his eyes along with despair for things that he would never forget.

“I won’t let him take you, understand?”

I said fiercely.

He searched my eyes for a long moment then nodded. I released him and looked out over the forest.

“Like I said—I’ll bide my time. I want us at full strength with resources and support.”

I looked over and flashed him a dry smile. “The three of us aren’t just going to go in rogue and hope for the best.”

That got a smile out of him and I saw some of the tension leave him.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back into the real world after this,”

he said dryly. “This is worse than a deployment.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that because I agreed. We were prolonging things by coming first to Knight’s house and then doing the Austria operation, but after that we’d have to head back into the real world—back to civilization when we were far from civilized.

We sat in an easy silence for a time until I got to my feet and dusted myself off.

“You should go find Nyx,” I said.