Dear Santa, Send Me a Cowboy

Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

DIANA

W e made out like teenagers.

Hours could have passed and we wouldn’t have known it, but when we had finally pulled apart, an uncertainty for what happened now had settled over us. It couldn’t be stopped either due to my shitty track record for being hesitant in the short few hours we’d been together.

I was wishy-washy, stubborn, scared—but only to protect my heart and the life I had carefully built for myself and Silvan. And the idea of Lawson becoming a part of that frightened me as much as it did excite me.

After leaping off his lap, and retrieving a rag from the kitchen so he could clean himself up, I pathetically gave him the excuse that I needed to pee and ran off to my room to reevaluate the night.

It was undeniable that I was forming feelings for him. What woman wouldn't in my position? But the lines were now clearly blurred and it felt beyond foolish on my part to be envisioning a life with essentially a stranger. Still, despite my uncertainty, he felt like he was mine from the moment he called me a shitty driver.

Instead of walking away from me, like so many others had, he relished the challenge of handling my sass and not once had he faltered in the process. If anything, I’d say he successfully managed to render me speechless for the first time in my life. From spanking me into submission, to giving me the most intense orgasm of my life using only his belt buckle, and it was clear that what had unfolded tonight was far more significant than anything else I’d experienced.

Would it be so bad to admit to him that I wanted more? That I wanted to see where this went even if I was terrified I’d end up with a broken heart?

Though it may seem like I had it all together on the outside, the inside was still a work in progress. And tonight, with Lawson showing up onto my doorstep, it gave me a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’d be the Christmas miracle I needed to finally feel complete.

And as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror with my hands clamped onto the lip of the sink, I stared unblinkingly at my reflection. Looking at every one of my imperfections, a task I often found myself doing when I felt unsure.

The longer I stared, the longer I found myself questioning my worth, wondering whether I was good or deserving enough. Whether I wanted to subject my son to another relationship that was bound to fail like all the rest.

But, it shouldn’t matter anyway whether a man wanted to be a part of life and my son’s. If they couldn’t see how much love we had to give and how perfect our little life we created was, then they simply weren’t meant to be a part of it.

Yeah, I was a bossy, stubborn woman who liked things a certain way and drank a little too much wine on Saturday nights… And yeah, Silvan could be a handful with his selective hearing and every now and then forgot to flush the toilet, but that's us.

That’s who we are, perfectly imperfect and for so long, I prayed for someone to see the beauty in that.

I’d been gone now for at least twenty minutes, most of my time spent contemplating what to do next. It wasn’t like there was much more for us to do anyway considering we had done more in one night with each other than I’d done in my entire life. But as I thought about it more, the shock of him not once attempting to check in on me unsettled my gut more than it should have.

He wasn’t my boyfriend.

He wasn’t my anything.

Yet, I felt offended in a way, especially after everything he declared and everything we had done. He hadn’t called out my name, knocked on my door, or asked if I was okay—hell, I hadn’t even heard a single footstep or sound come from where I left him.

What the hell could he be doing anyway? Did he finally realize how much of a mistake this was and leave?

Fuck, I hoped not.

Taking one last lingering look at myself in the mirror, I ran a quick hand through my hair before exiting the bathroom and heading back into the living room. My heart felt as though it was about to fall out of my chest with every anxious, unsteady step I took. Holding my breath, I listened for any signs of him as I trailed my way down the hallway, but all that greeted me was silence.

Now preparing myself for the worst, I finally turned the corner and what I saw had my chest inflating with elation.

Pure relief, but also a hint of annoyance.

With his back to me, he was standing in front of my tree that was now in its stand and looking fluffier that it had hours ago.

What the hell was he doing?

I couldn't find it in myself to announce my presence yet and instead, I watched him move around my Christmas tree as if it were his own. With a string of uncoiled lights in one hand and the other navigating them through the branches, he expertly circled himself around the tree, starting from the top and going to the bottom. Everything about him looked so at ease as he once again took it upon himself to “help me out.” His hat gone, lying somewhere on the couch, and his cowboy boots abandoned by the door, he made himself at home.

And if it weren’t for the way my neck had been set ablaze by the sight, I would have lied and said it didn’t affect me one bit, even though it did. He looked like he belonged here, filling this space with his undeniable charm and large, warming presence.

It made my heart skip a beat.

And when I watched him plug in the cord for the lights, illuminating the prettiest tree I’d ever seen with twinkling white lights, I couldn’t stop myself from going to him. As I approached, he had peered over his shoulder, and immediately his gaze softened as it landed on me.

“There you are.” He extended his hand out, and as if it were a practiced ritual for us, I readily placed my hand in his. “Was worried about you, but figured you needed a moment to yourself.”

He knew me all too well already.

As I was tugged into his side and enveloped in the warmth that his body radiated, I was unable to stop myself from snuggling in close. It felt purely instinctual to do so.

“Why didn’t you come check on me?” My voice wobbled on impact, causing his arm to tighten around my waist.

God, why did I sound so vulnerable?

“That make you upset that I didn’t, darlin’?” I could feel the weight of his gaze on me, studying my expression as I tried my hardest to hold in my disappointment that he hadn’t.

“It would have been nice, but I see why you didn’t now.” I gestured toward the tree. “It looks beautiful.”

I assumed he would catch onto my discomfort and switch the topic but naturally he didn’t. Instead he gripped my chin and tilted my head in the direction of his intense gaze.

“The only reason why I didn’t was because I knew you needed space to think about everything without my presence clouding your thoughts. I want you to want this. I want you to choose me because it’s truly what you want—without me influencing your decision.” His eyes swept over my face throughout his entire speech, then caressing his thumb over my bottom lip, he continued on. “If I would’ve followed you into your bedroom, Diana, I would’ve fucked you. I would’ve seen your bed and imagined another man having the chance of climbing into it. Then because I’m a jealous motherfucker, I would’ve said fuck giving you space and put you on all fours. That’s how fuckin’ crazy you make me. That’s another reason why I didn’t check on you.”

Oh my god.

My eyes now at half-mast with liquid fire building in my core. I nearly blurt out my frustrations that he had chosen to be a man of his word. Instead he had left me in a state of utter confusion rather than once again taking charge of the situation.

Damn him.

“You’re lookin’ at me like I made the wrong choice of givin’ you space, darlin’.” His eyebrow lifted while his eyes grew hungrier and hungrier with each passing second.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tried a series of breathing techniques and shifted my legs in place to get rid of the need pulsing inside me.

How could I be so turned on again already? And why was he staring at me like he wanted to turn back time?

“I’m not. You… you made the right choice by giving me space. I’m just surprised you admitted to that.”

“Admitted to wanting to fuck you? Thought I made that perfectly clear already.” He winked teasingly before releasing my chin. “I’m a straightforward man, Diana. I’ll tell you how it is, what I want, what I need, and that’s how it will always be with me.”

I admired that. Maybe not at first, but finding a man that had those qualities was a dime a dozen.

“And will it always be this “fun” with you?”

I was flirting and I couldn’t believe it. But I was sick of being a bitch toward him and wanted him to see that I was a nice, genuine person who wasn’t always so bossy.

“Won't be a day where we won’t be havin’ fun, I can promise you that.” A smug smile pulled at his lips, causing my heart to stutter.

Shaking my head, I tried to conceal my smile from him but there was no way he wouldn’t catch it. Then kneeling down beside my box of decorations that I had gotten out the previous night, I began to pull out my sacred ornaments.

Silvan’s first Christmas. A cute snowflake he had made out of beads at school. It had become my favorite pastime hanging ornaments, but the only thing missing was my son. Every year it became a tradition for us to decorate the tree together, and as I was crouched down staring blankly into the box, a flood of emotions swarmed me.

The last thing I wanted to do was cry, but the first telltale signs started to emerge as my throat hardened painfully.

“Thought I would get your tree started for you, wasn’t sure how you’d want your lights but I figured you’d be okay with havin’ a former tree farm worker put them up for you.”

His voice spurred me to wipe at my eyes and rise from my kneeled position.

“Former?” I questioned, trying to focus on something other than Silvan's absence.

“Yeah, for as long as I could remember I was pretty fuckin’ adamant on workin’ side by side with my dad one day. But then once I was old enough to learn the ropes of the tree business, I caught on pretty quickly that it wasn't the career for me. Instead, I worked on a farm up in Montana as a ranch hand for a good fifteen years, livin’ a young cowboy’s dream before I decided that I wanted to come back home.”

I watched him closely as he fingered some of the branches on the tree as if deep in thought before swinging his stare back over to mine.

“Pretty fuckin’ glad I decided to come back home too.”

My heart swelled.

“Me too,” I whispered.

Taking Silvan’s first Christmas ornament over to the tree, I carefully hung it onto a lower branch in the front.

“What about you, what’s your story?” Lawson asked.

Sighing, it felt strange that we were having this type of conversation after the fact and not before.

“Well, picture an average twenty-one-year-old college student who ends up knocked up by a man who made it perfectly clear that he had no interest in having kids at any point in his life. And now she has to navigate single motherhood and getting a degree while she receives zero support or help from the father, who, out of the blue now, suddenly wants something to do with his son.” Knowing that I was already getting worked up over what I was telling him, I decided I had no more left to add. “That’s my… wonderful story.”

I kept my eyes down and continued to hang ornaments as if I didn’t just unload many years’ worth of bad memories. There was an obvious tension in the room now, and just when I thought that Lawson would struggle to steer himself around it, he surprised the hell out of me when he opened his mouth.

“Wonderful? More like fuckin’ empowering, Diana.” My eyes flashed to his. Standing just on the opposite side of the tree, he looked a mixture of enraged and turned on. “Never in my life have I met someone so strong, so resilient and determined. If you think your story makes you weak, Diana, you’re so fuckin’ wrong it ain’t even funny. Look at all this.” He gestured his hand around the entirety of the house. “Look at you and how perfect you are. You did that, darlin’. Not anyone else, and if you ask me, that man didn’t deserve to have any part of you or your son.”

Stepping around the tree, he closed the space between us.

“You’re a force, darlin’, and as much as I know that you can handle everything that life throws at you and come out winning, I want to be the man that challenges you along the way. That reminds you even though you’re capable of anything, you don’t need to be when I’m around.” He brought his mouth down until he was just hovering over my lips. With his breath dancing erotically over my skin, I was seconds away from hauling his handsome face down onto mine. “Let me carry the weight,” he whispered. “Let me take care of you like you deserve.”

Having heard enough, I tossed my arms around this thick neck and brought him down onto my needy mouth. Immediately a mixture of vanilla and chocolate filled my senses as our tongues lashed together rhythmically.

Fisting the hair on the back of his head, I tugged his mouth more firmly onto mine. My whole body felt like it was on fire, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I was desperate for another release that already seemed to be cresting.

“Fuck, jump up, baby,” he demanded between kisses, and without hesitation, I leaped into his awaiting arms. Swift hands caught me around the waist where he effortlessly glided them down my thighs and wrapped each leg around his hips.

No more than a few seconds apart, like magnets, our lips had collided back together. With his fingers digging into the fleshy part of my thighs, I shamelessly began to grind and rock myself all over the front of him, urging for something more than what we were doing.

Lawson released a low, pulsating growl that disrupted the tempo of our kiss, but it didn’t take long for him to come back stronger and more determined. With his mouth now moving at the speed of light, he began to assist in my efforts at dry humping him. Using his hold on my thighs, he lowered me down to the center of his groin and began to roll me over his hardness.

Hips moving, chests heaving, we were on the brink of destruction.

But I was desperate for more.

Desperate for penetration.

“Lawson!” I whimpered. “Please…”

I was a needy, aching mess and by the grunts and growls that were interrupting our kiss, it was more than clear that he was in the same boat as I was.

“Bedroom.” I panted in a breathy whisper. “Take us to the bedroom.”

His answer with a relieved groan and soon, we were moving briskly throughout the living room and back toward my bedroom. With each step, my heart went into a chaotic, thumping mess.

No man had ever set foot in my bedroom. No man has had the privilege of it, and right now, all I could fixate on was that I was letting my guard down for once, and giving whatever this was a chance. I was opening up my heart, and my life, to the possibility of forming something beautiful and lasting with him.

I didn’t care how reckless it sounded. I was reckless at twenty-one, and was given the most precious thing in the world. Maybe that’s all I needed to do again, to be reckless and daring to find happiness.

It was certainly plausible, but I couldn’t dive any deeper into the thought as we were finally crossing the threshold of my bedroom. Separating us from strangers, to what we were now.

Lovers?

Could be lovers?

Whatever we were, it was clearly a defining moment in our relationship. And it seemed to have affected Lawson in the same manner it did me as he slowed our kissing to barely-there touches.

“Been dyin’ to get you in a bed, darlin’,” he rasped against my mouth before pulling away and taking in my room. Immediately, his eyes latched onto my bed over the curve of my shoulder.

A generous king-size, with intricate posts and a cream-colored canopy, it remained one of my favorite purchases to date. As he stared at it, with his gaze dipping over and across each of the poles, I could sense the wicked thoughts that were coursing through his brain.

It sent a shiver down my back, but I embraced it all too eagerly.

“You okay there?” I asked as my mouth lifted at the corner.

He hadn’t once taken his stare off my bed.

“More than okay,” A playful grin appeared on his face as he effortlessly guided us onto the bed. Positioning me directly in the center, his eyes shined with blatant mischief. “Just comin’ up with a game plan on how we can use this fancy-ass bed of yours to our advantage.”

Oh.

With his large body suspended over mine, I could barely formulate a response. He didn’t just want to fuck me, he wanted to annihilate the possibility of me wanting anyone else—needing anyone else. He wanted to engrave himself and the memory of tonight into my heart as if I would need the reminder one day, yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that the chances of that ever becoming necessary, were in reality, slim to none.

“Now before we go any further, because I know once I get you naked and my mouth on you again, I won't be able to stop. I’m gonna need you to choose a safe word, Diana. Somethin’ to let me know when you need me to stop or slow down.” He searched my eyes with a solemness that sent my heart into overdrive.

Was that actually a thing? Using safe words?

Definitely not with the few men I’d been with, but apparently with Lawson Boone it was required.

Fuck.

“Um, okay, what about… Christmas?”

The corner of his mouth curved.

“Christmas,” he repeated. “Okay, I like it.” Then leaning down, he buried his face into the curve of my neck. Tilting my head to the side, I gave him all the room he needed to ravish me, but to my frustration, he chose to worship me instead.

With slow, languid flicks of his tongue and the dizzying trails of kisses he left along my nape, I found myself melting under his touch.

And it wasn’t just his mouth that was working me into a fervor, he also had his hands kneading my waist, his hips undulating against my core, and his large legs locking me down into place as if I’d find an ounce of uncertainty and try to leave.

Yeah fucking right.

My brain was in such a euphoric fog that there was zero possibility of me walking away from this. Especially now when he finally pulled away from my neck and left my body in a weakened state.

“Now it’s your turn to stay put.” He gave me one last squeeze on the hip before pushing off the bed and onto his feet.

Everything was such a blur, I had no idea what to think.

“What? Where are you going?” I panicked while anger overlapped my tone.

“Tryin’ to make this a night you won't forget.” He winked as he began to walk out the bedroom, but before he walked out, he glanced at me over his shoulder. “And a night that erases all the memories you’ve had with any other fuckin’ men, so all that you have left is me.”

Before I could react or even respond, he disappeared from the bedroom, leaving me in a state of confusion and undeniable arousal.

Fuck.

What the hell did this cowboy have up his sleeve now?