Deeply Personal

Chapter 32

Jessica

They were at the Dark Horse, a huge two-story bar on Broadway, Lynn, Kristen, and Jessica.

Crowds swarmed around them. A neon sign flashed “Drink More Beer,” on the wall and customers were doing just that, some dressed in cowboy hats and boots, smiles lighting up everyone’s faces, as waitresses rushed around taking orders. It was one of Jessica’s favorite places to party. It was ten p.m. and they’d taken a Uber downtown to celebrate Lynn’s birthday.

“So, what’s up with you and Paul?” Kristin asked over the noise as she sipped on her Moscow Mule in a copper mug. “What’s the latest?”

“Are you two getting closer?” Lynn asked. She was drinking a White Russian.

Jessica didn’t hesitate. “Yes! Absolutely.”

“Jessica in love,” Kristin said. “Wow. I’m so pleased for you. After what happened with Adam, you deserve someone nice.”

“I sure do. And thankfully he is nothing like Adam.”

Lynn quirked a brow. “You’re sure? Is he good to you? Does he make you happy?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Okay, then, I will not worry,” Kristin said. “Fingers crossed. I’m going to hope for the best.” Kristin held up her glass and gestured for everyone else to do the same. “Here’s to Jessica and her new love! Cheers!”

They all toasted her, and Jessica, sipping on a mocktail, felt a sudden lightness in her limbs and an overall feeling of near-mystical weightlessness.

“By the way, how’s it going with the new guy you’re seeing?” Jessica asked Lynn.

“Oh, you know,” Lynn said, smiling. “First, there’s the inspection, then the selection, and hopefully no deception. Then there’s dinner, followed by confection. And soon after comes the…”

“Erection!” Kristin chimed in, and they all giggled.

“I’ll drink to that,” Lynn declared.

“Just remember, if you ever do get married,” Kristen said. “Make sure you’re good at housekeeping.”

“Why’s that?” Lynn asked.

“Cause if you ever divorce, you’ll want to keep the house.”

They all laughed.

An hour later, the three of them were having a blast on the dance floor. And it seemed that their moves were attracting some attention. Three guys had slowly been moving closer to them, trying to get in on the fun. Two were tall and muscular, and one was shorter but handsome, with big dark eyes.

Kristen started bumping up against one of the tall guys. Lynn went to the other tall guy, and a minute later, they had their arms around each other, swaying back and forth and gazing into each other’s eyes. Jessica refused to dance with the shorter guy. He had a great smile and a fine body, but her thoughts and her heart were with Paul.

Two more dances and then they were done. They said goodbye to the guys, who tried and failed to get their contacts, and exited the club, laughing. Out on the street, Jessica turned to her right and spied a group of men emerging from the bar next door. They were all neatly dressed and chatting among themselves. Jessica froze in her tracks. The man leading the group was someone she knew all too well.

Adam.

She swallowed hard as her gaze swept over him. She felt dizzy all of a sudden, disoriented. A prickly feeling ran up and down her spine.

“Oh, no,” Kristen whispered, staring at him.

Oh, yes. His chiseled cheekbones, his Roman nose. It was all there. Tall and handsome, he wore his black hair long and tied back in a ponytail. A real artiste. Their gazes met instantly, and without hesitating, Adam made his way over.

“I’ll see you over at Bar One,” he said to Westin, a friend of his, walking beside him. “I need to talk to someone.”

Lynn and Kristen refused to leave Jessica’s side. Kristen moved closer to her protectively. But after overcoming the surprise of seeing him, Jessica turned unafraid. She felt in no need of protection.

“Give me a minute with him,” she said. “I’m fine.”

She raised a concerned eyebrow. “I’ll give you a minute,” Kristen asked. “but any more than that, and I’m coming over here and dragging you away.” She gave Adam a glare and walked away with Lynn.

When they were alone, standing on the sidewalk as people passed by and neon signs flashed, Adam’s eyes turned sad as he furrowed his brow and gave Jessica a long, studied look. She wondered if he was framing her face in his mind for some kind of abstract portrait he’d create later on. Ex-girlfriend on the Street— a confusing display of emotions on canvas, for sure.

“You’re looking great, Jess,” Adam said, his lips turning upward into a gorgeous smile. “Seriously.”

She liked hearing that, and a flicker of excitement danced through her. She’d been eating better, exercising some at least— walking as much as possible after work, trying to get into shape. Maybe it was finally paying off.

“Why didn’t you text me back?” he asked.

She ran her eyes over his face, recalling the way they used to kiss, his closeness. He was such a good kisser.

“My father was ill.” Adam looked pained. “I thought you’d at least want to commiserate.”

She’d met Adam’s father—Robert—a fantastic sculptor who lived in Memphis. He’d been commissioned by several cities around the country. He was also a blues saxophonist. Jessica had liked him.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Adam. Is he okay now?”

‘“He had pneumonia. He’s much better now. Thought I’d come back to Nashville to hang out with the guys for a few days while I’m in the states.”

“I’m glad your dad’s better,” she said simply.

“Thanks.” When Adam reached out to touch Jessica’s shoulder, she cringed, stepping back. People swarmed past, a stream of human beings all in party mode, but the two of them stood there like immovable stones. It was as if they were caught in their own bubble, which surrounded them like the cold air. Jessica looked down at her feet, the memories of what they’d had rushing through her. The joy, the pain, the dashed expectations… Rome…

“How’s your art coming along?” she asked out of politeness. Inside, she felt like a storm had arrived, whirlwinds of anger and sadness crashing against each other.

“Actually, very well. Remember when I talked to you about Masaccio?”

“Early Renaissance?”

“Yes, exactly!” Adam’s nostrils flared.

It had been obvious to Jessica almost from the start. Adam’s first love was his art—always—and the woman in his life was second.

“I’m rediscovering his use of light and perspective. I’ve tried to apply it to these angels I’ve been drawing from about a hundred different angles, coming from a neo-Romantic, Paul Nashian, early forties viewpoint, and—” Suddenly he stopped speaking and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Oh, hell, listen to me going on about my art when what I really want to say is . . .” He reached out a hand to touch her face.

But Jessica turned away. “Don’t, Adam. Please.”

Her hands grew clammy and there was a cold blockage in her chest that felt like an ice cube of emotions.

“Can’t we talk?” He furrowed his brow, frowning as he took a breath.

“No. We can’t. We’re done, Adam. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s all there is to say. We broke up, I broke down, I’m now back on my feet, and that is that.”

Her chest heaved. After all, this was the man who, at one time, had destroyed her faith in the idea of finding someone long-term, and plunged her into the world of Patty Preston. She’d felt so betrayed by him, so wronged. And even though she’d since moved on, growing her feelings for Paul, Adam still wasn’t that easy to get over. Not at all. Seeing him still stung her, but yet . . . Jessica saw how much stronger she’d become in his absence. She could feel the gift of newfound self-confidence bubbling up to the surface.

Adam blinked. He obviously hadn’t expected her to be so blunt.

“But could you at least give me a chance? Can’t we meet for coffee and talk and—”

“No.” The word came out fast and loud. Maybe too fast and loud, but so what? A growing sense of self-preservation rose inside her. She shook her head, and determination lined her voice. “You left me and headed to Rome, remember? You chose a different path. And I don’t see how talking will help anything at all at this point. Nope. Not a bit.”

“I made a mistake, Jess,” Adam countered. He looked desperate, ready to get down on his knees and beg, and this made Jessica smile within. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am about it all.” He looked at her with remorse in his eyes and a sadness she’d never seen in him before.

But Jessica wasn’t moved.

“Can’t you forgive me?” he asked. He stood there as if drops of shame and guilt and desperation were raining down on him. “The truth is, Jessica.” He paused. “The truth is I want you back.”

And there they were. The words she had wanted to hear him say for so long.

“No, Adam,” she said. “I can’t forgive you. But it’s not just that. The problem is, I made a mistake too.”

“What was that?”

“My mistake was trying to make you love me when you had given up. Trying to save what we had and shaping my entire life around making it work. Trying and failing, Adam, every single day. I wasn’t living for me, for what I wanted.” Jessica’s heart rang with emotion.

“So we can’t talk it over?” he asked. “Try to sort things out?”

“No, we can’t.” Jessica shook her head and stood tall. She felt vibrant now, as if an alarm clock had just gone off in her heart, awakening her to a different life entirely, possibilities that stretched far beyond her life with Adam and all his vacillations. After all, he was a bird, a fly-away man, and she wanted no part of that at all. “I’m done talking. Goodbye, Adam. I hope you have a nice life, I really do.”

As Jessica walked away from him and caught up with her friends, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She’d been carrying around tons of emotions for so long, too long, and now they were gone at last.

She kept on walking toward her newfound sense of freedom. And she didn’t look back.