Deeply Personal

Chapter 43

Paul

Paul had just finished doing a series of yoga moves, ending with a Savasana, when his doorbell rang. He looked through the peephole and saw that it was Jessica. Something warm and satisfying rose in his chest.

“Hey, you,” he said when he opened the door. “This is a nice surprise.” He grinned at her. “So good to see you.”

“Hey.” One word.

“By the look on your face, I’m thinking something’s wrong. What’s up?” He frowned as she walked in, and he closed the door behind her. When he went to hold her in his arms, she backed away, her brow wrinkled so deeply that no amount of emotional ironing could even begin to smooth things over.

“We need to talk.” Her voice was low, thick with emotion.

“About what?” Given her grim expression, he was afraid she was going to say she’d found someone else or . . .

They sat down on Paul’s new couch.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Since I got the Buchanan job—thanks to you, of course—I’m going to have to be doing all this traveling now. I hadn’t realized how much traveling would be involved. Didn’t even think about it.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it? You’ll be busy with work.”

“In a way, yes. But the problem is—” She looked at him with a sad warmth in her eyes, then looked away— “I won’t be with you hardly at all, see? We’ll have to have a long-distance relationship. I’ll be out of town almost all the time, and when I’m home I’ll be making arrangements to fly away again. And I just hate that. I feel like I’ll be letting you down.” She smoothed over the couch fabric. “I-I don’t want to be a bird.”

“A what? What are you talking about?” He took an exasperated breath.

“Oh, you know, the one who flies away from a relationship. The one who doesn’t stick around. But that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. Flying off. I’ll be away from you, Paul.”

Tears filled her eyes, and she put a hand on her cheek and wiped one away.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. We’ll still have time together. It’s not so bad.” Paul moved closer to her, ran a hand through her hair. “Is that what’s got you so upset?”

Jessica nodded. “I feel like I’m letting you down. And today, I just got an offer to do even more cities. And they’re in the Northwest. I’ll be gone so much.”

“Good for you! Hey. Don’t worry. I can live with your traveling. No big deal at all.”

He was being completely honest.

“But I don’t know if I can live with that. I want more out of our relationship, you know? I want to be with you a lot. More than a lot. That’s the thing. But I’ll be away all the time. How can we really be together when I’m always . . .” Her eyes grew foggy. “Not here?”

A lump formed in Paul’s throat. “Don’t be silly.”

“No. I’m serious. I’ll be gone weeks at a time. All over the country. And I’ll feel awful about it. I already feel awful about it, and . . .” Jessica paused. “I know you want children just like I do, and there’s no way I can do that if I’m traveling all the time. There’s no way I’d be able to have a family any time soon. But I want a family, Paul. I want to be a complete penguin with a man who loves me, a family—”

“Penguin?”

“You know, the kind of bird who’s loyal and stays with one person and doesn’t leave home. I want to be home, with you, not out there on the road running around. And . . .”

“And what?”

She sighed, looked around his condo, then met his eyes. “Maybe it’ll be too hard, me being away so much. Maybe it won’t work out for us after all. Maybe you’ll lose interest.”

“What? No. Don’t say that. Maybe this, maybe that. Are you kidding? We’ll work it out. Love always finds a way, right?” Paul folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. What are you saying?”

“I don’t know what I’m saying—that’s what I’m saying.” Jessica stood and wobbled on her feet. Paul rushed to her side and held her by the arm.

“Are you all right?”

“Yes,” she said, but she was pale now. She put a hand to her chest. “I just think we need . . .” She halted, as if she was finding it hard to speak. “To . . . oh . . . can you get me some water?”

“Sure.”

Paul brought her a glass, and she drank it down.

“There. Better.” She set the glass down on a nearby end table. Paul eyed her warily. She looked like she might pass out. “I just think we need to think this through, that’s all.”

He was quick to answer. “But there’s nothing to think about.” He sliced a hand through the air. “I’m committed to you. For the first time in my life, I’m able to stay with someone through it all and not chase the sun, see? You're the reason for that, Jess. You’re the best thing in my life.” Paul took a deep, shaky breath. “And now you’re having doubts?”

“I’m sorry, Paul.” He could see the strong emotions tidal-waving inside her, reflected all over her face. “I just wanted to tell you my concerns, okay? And if it doesn’t work out between us—”

“Hush. It’s going to work out.”

Jessica pressed the heels of her hands to her temples.

“Are you all right?” Paul asked once more.

Jessica stood and slightly wobbled on her feet again. Sweat glistened on her skin. “I’m good. Just hold me for a minute, okay?”

He wrapped her in a tight embrace. The nearness of her sent his heart spiraling. Her body trembling against his . . . She felt so vulnerable right now. He caressed her hair, ran a hand across her cheek.

“What we have is too good to stop now,” he said in a soft voice. “Don’t you see? What I’m hearing is that you’re scared. And it’s okay to be scared and to not know how something will turn out.”

“I need some fresh air,” she said.

“Are you sure you're okay?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “I’m fine.”

“Let me walk with you.”

“No. Please. I just need some time alone.”

After another embrace, she opened the door and walked out.

When she closed the door behind her, he swallowed. It was as if she was closing the door on what they had. Could it be?

He began to turn away from the door, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong. Jessica seemed different today. Fragile. He’d never seen her like—

Paul heard a thud right outside his door. Throwing it open, he found Jessica sprawled on the ground, eyes closed, bleeding from the top of her head.