Defining Us (Rocky Waters)

Chapter 17

17

AINSLEY

SIX YEARS EARLIER

I was staring at a positive pregnancy test. What it meant was not sinking in. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be positive. No way. That would mean I was pregnant. And there was no way that was true. Yeah, I was a few days late but that wasn't all that uncommon, especially lately with the stress of college and trying to juggle classes and Jordan.

I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and willed the result to be different. I looked again. No such luck. Still positive.

“Fuck,” I swore under my breath, then said it a little louder. “FUCK!”

Images of that night about two weeks ago flashed in my memory. His dorm room. The fact that I said no, not tonight and him not listening. At least he had the decency to wear a condom, all the good that did.

Karma really was a bitch. I could only blame myself for putting off going on the pill. Our “sex life,” if you could even call it that at this point, was almost non-existent and when I first tried the pill, it made my hormones worse, and I was an utter bitch. Well, according to Jordan. And my mother. So I stopped taking it, and he had to wrap it up.

“FUCK!” I yelled again to the empty room. I pulled out my phone and texted Jordan.

We need to talk. Come over tonight.

His response was immediate.

I have a frat meeting tonight. Can it wait until tomorrow?

No

Even though I was still going to be pregnant tomorrow, I needed to tell him tonight.

Ok, I'll c what I can do

Thanks

I put my phone down on the bed beside me and lay down. I was still in shock. I couldn't even begin to imagine myself with a baby. Jordan's baby, no less. My mother was pretty much going to kill me. And Drew would kill Jordan. It was going to be fabulous. Not to mention the fact that I was going to HAVE A BABY!

I closed my eyes for a second and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep. When I woke up, I was disoriented. Until I saw the positive test and it all came flooding back to me. I was pregnant!

I heard the door to my dorm room opening so I hastily shoved the test under my pillow. My roommate, Kelcie, came barreling in.

“Ainsley!” she called out, a little loudly since she was clearly past tipsy. I looked over at the clock. At 4:30 in the afternoon. She stumbled a bit, almost falling over, which caused her to fall into a fit of laughter.

“What were you toasting today?” I asked her. Every day she started drinking earlier and earlier because there was always something to “toast.” Yesterday it was because she was first in line at the dining hall. One day last week it was because she actually woke up for her eight a.m. class .

“Brett Anderson winked at me!” she replied with gusto.

“Right,” I said, my voice heaping with sarcasm. I rolled my eyes. “Well, he is cute.”

“Not nearly as cute as Jordan,” she gushed.

Again, I rolled my eyes.I will admit. He was good-looking, but it got old, especially from Kelcie who told me every day.

She flopped down on her bed. “You want to go out tonight? A couple of people from my Arts Society class are going to hit the bar on campus.”

I shook my head. “Jordan's coming over tonight.”

She smirked. “Ohhhhhh. In that case, I'll stay out.”

“It's not like that,” I insisted.

“Right,” she replied, in that same tone I gave her before.

“Whatever.” I threw myself back on my bed. “Have fun.”

“Oh, I will!”

Of course she would. How could I be so silly?

That night, Jordan was set to come over at seven, so he still had time to go to his meeting with his fraternity.

As usual, he was late. At around 7:30, he finally strolled through the door.

He placed a quick peck on my cheek and took a seat in the chair at my desk. “So, what's so urgent?” He was wearing his signature outfit: jeans, a U of Maine sweatshirt, his running sneakers, and his stupid Pirates baseball cap. There was nothing but a smile on his face. That would soon change with my news, I thought.

Way to get right to the point, Jordan.

I had practiced what I was going to say in the mirror as soon as Kelcie had left. Now that the moment was here, I just blurted it out. Dropping my eyes to my bed, I simply stated, “I’m pregnant.” After the words were out, I looked over to him to watch his reaction.

The smile was still there. The enormity of my words hadn't sunk in yet. And when they finally did, he laughed. “You're kidding, right?” At the shake of my head, the smile faded off his face. “Fuck. How?”

“Really, Jordan?”

“No, I mean I know how, but we've been careful.”

“Guess the condoms weren't as effective as we thought.”

He ran his fingers through his hair and then stood up and began pacing. He started talking quickly, saying things about how this was going to affect his college career, how he'd have to give up the fraternity, things like that.

“I'm fine, by the way,” I said sarcastically.

He stopped walking. “Oh, right. How are you really?” he asked, pretending to care because it was expected of him.

“Shocked, pissed, terrified. Those are the emotions I’ve had for the past few hours since I took the test. I’m sure more will hit me later.”

“What’s your plan?” He resumed his pacing.

“MY plan?” I squeaked out. “This is a 'we' thing, Jordan.” I got off the bed and forced him to stop his pacing and look at me. “We got into this together, and we will both make the decision.”

Truthfully, I had no intentions of raising this baby by myself, but maybe I overreacted just a tad.

“I'm sorry. My emotions are a little off-kilter right now.”

“You think?” he asked sarcastically.

I shot daggers at him.

“Whoa, calm down. We both need time to process this. Think about what you want to do and I will too. Then we will make the decision. Together.” His voice got softer at the end, and he loosely draped his arms around me for a hug. Well, a pathetic excuse for a hug.

Before he released me, he plopped a kiss on my forehead. “I have to go, babe. I'll call you tomorrow so we can make our plan. Love you.” And he walked out of my room.

I flopped down on my bed. I felt like I should cry, but no tears came. And now I had to make the biggest decision of my life, pretty much on my own. There was no way I was going to my mom about this. I couldn't even imagine what words she would have for me.

Feeling exhausted, I lay down and stared up at the ceiling, studying it like it held the answer to my problem. I knew what I should do. No way was I ready to be a mother, but even more, Jordan was not ready to be a father. I closed my eyes for a moment and fell into a fitful sleep.

I stop the story there. When I look over at Grayson, he’s sitting upright, a pissed look on his face .

“Seriously, Ainsley. You've kept this from me? Even after you knew my history?”

“Don't be mad. Please.” I plead for his understanding.

“Mad doesn't even begin to cover how I feel right now,” he says even-keeled.

“Let me explain why I never told you.”

“Where's your kid?” he demands.

“I don't have a kid.”

“Explain.” His face softens the slightest bit. It doesn't last long.

I have to look away from him. “I had an abortion,” I stammer out. It never gets easier to say it.

He's quiet for a few minutes, then he gets off the bed and leaves the room.

I get it. I should have told him this before. I’ve had so many opportunities.

Tears prickle the corners of my eyes, and I cry silently. Because not only is the guilt all flooding back, I may have fucked up the only good thing in my life. Ever.

I don't even know how long I cry or lay in the dark hoping Grayson will come back. I must have eventually fallen asleep because when I wake up, the clock reads 2:46 a.m. Not surprisingly, the bed beside me is still empty.

Making a rash decision, I scribble a note to Grayson, throw a sweatshirt over my PJs, and quickly throw my stuff in my bag. Hoping I’ve gathered up all my belongings, I go in search of my keys. I find them on the island in the kitchen. How fitting, I think as I swipe them. Luckily my car is in the driveway and not in the garage. I catch sight of a lump on the couch. I debate with myself if I should go over to him. My emotional side wins.

I tiptoe over to the couch. Even in his sleep, he's gorgeous, even with his face looking conflicted. I’m half tempted to climb in next to him or at least, leave him with a parting kiss goodbye. I settle for a “Goodbye, Grayson. For what it’s worth, I love you. If I could go back and change things, it would only be to tell you sooner. We had something special, and I will likely never get over you. ”

I blow a kiss in his direction, tears falling down my cheeks again. I somehow make it to my car and drive myself back to the place that I called home just a few weeks ago.

I awaken to a pounding at my door. Since I didn't make it to my bed last night, the sound is ridiculously loud.

Falling off the couch in near exhaustion after a shitty night's sleep, I make it to the door. I don't know who I'm expecting to find at the door, but it certainly isn’t Bella.

“What the fuck is this?” she yells, stomping past me into my apartment. Her hair is piled atop of her head in a messy bun and she's wearing yoga pants and a tank. She’s waving some sort of paper at me. When I don't answer her, she shoves it in my face. It's my note to Grayson. The one in which I told him that he needed to deliver the cupcakes to the shower and to tell Bella I was sorry I couldn't do it myself, among other things I had written.

“How did you get that?” I squeak out.

“From his counter. I had to make a stop there.” Her face loses some of the wildness. “What did he do?”

“What?”

“What did he do to make you leave?” she asks.

“Oh. Nothing.” I hang my head.

“Then why did you leave? He loves you, you know that right?” There’s a hopeful look on her face as she takes a seat on the couch.

I sit down on the other end, tucking my legs under me. “I know,” I tell her quietly.

“You love him?”

“So much.” I’m surprised she can even hear my response, it’s so low.

“Then what the hell is the problem?” she asks incredulously.

“I had an abortion.” It just kind of falls out of my mouth.

Her eyes bug out. “WHAT?” She’s yelling now. “He got you pregnant?” She gets up and starts pacing, shaking her head from side to side. “Stupid boy,” she mutters mostly to herself.

“No. It was years ago.”

She stops, caught off guard. “Oh. So what's the problem? ”

“I didn't tell him until last night. And I'm pretty sure he was pissed about the whole abortion thing.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Well, not in so many words. He was pissed I never told him I was pregnant, especially when he told me about him and Molly. And then when I dropped the other bomb, he took off for the other room and slept on the couch.”

“Boys are stupid,” she says after absorbing what I just told her. “Thank god I'm a lesbian.” Her comment makes me laugh, and she cracks a smile too. “I don't accept this though.” She waves the letter again. “You’re coming to the shower. I'll make him deliver the cupcakes though, for two reasons. One, he owes me. Two, they are damn delicious because I sampled one this morning when I found your note.”

“I really don't think I should. You’re his sister.”

“Shut up.” She cuts me off. “It's my shower. Well, Kylie likes to pretend it's hers too, but we know the truth.” She laughs at that. “You come as my guest. I can handle Grayson.”

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“That I can handle Grayson?” she questions.

“Well yeah,” I snicker, “but also that I should come? I don't want it to be awkward.”

“For who? You and I, well and Grayson and soon Kylie, are the only ones who know this note exists. Kylie will agree one hundred percent with me.On her own because I know she wants you there too. And Grayson will deal. He’s only coming to deliver the cupcakes and to help with presents at the end. You can avoid him.”

I think for a minute. I really want to go. I’ve become really close to Bella and Kylie since I started hanging out with Grayson. They’re the sisters I never had. “Okay, I will. On the condition that I avoid your brother.”

“Done!” She comes over to the couch and hugs me.

Pulling out of her embrace, I say, “Can I ask you a question?”

“No I will not be your lesbian experiment,” she replies straight-faced, looking so much like Grayson. It has the intended effect, and I can't help but laugh. A slow smile creeps onto her face. “For real, what?”

I take a deep breath and swallow before I start to speak. “Did I totally fuck it up with him?” It comes out in a complete whisper, and I can’t be certain she even understood what I said.

She contemplates the question before she answers. Her face gives nothing away. “Grayson's a very forgiving person. There’s not much you could do that he wouldn't forgive, short of killing someone.” I cringe. “Oh crap. I didn't mean that,” she adds when she sees my face. “That man is crazy about you. I could have told you that the first night in the bar. He can be stubborn so it may take some time and work on your part, but he will come around. He’s not about to let the best thing in his life walk away from him. He’s not dumb.”

Her words give me a little comfort. And a glimmer of hope that I didn’t screw this up.

She keeps going. “You have to let him come to you. It has to be his idea.” She pauses a moment, pondering her next thought. “You want to take bets on how long it takes him to come to you?”

“That would be kinda fun,” I tell her, smiling her way.

“I knew I liked you,” she says with a chuckle. “Okay, I bet by tonight he’ll be knocking on your door, tail between his legs.”

“No way! You didn't see how mad he was.”

“Did the vein in his forehead appear?”

I think back to the look on his face. I shake my head. “No, not that I recall.”

“Then he’s not that mad. But word to the wise. When you do see it, text me. Kylie and I have a guest room.”

I can’t help but crack up with laughter. Then I get serious again. “If he doesn’t come around, can I still keep you?” I’m sure I sound desperate, but it’s how I feel. It would be like losing a best friend.

“Definitely! That would piss him off even more, and besides for sex with Kylie, messing with Grayson is what I love most.” She looks at her watch. “Shit. I have to go. I’ll see you later. At two, not a minute after.” She hugs me again, whispering in my ear, “It’s going to be okay.”

“Thank you. For everything.” She smiles as she walks toward the door. “Oh, crap. Your present is in the closet at Grayson’s house. Feel free to grab it when you are there next.”

“I’ll get it the next time you cook me dinner. In Grayson’s kitchen.” She winks at me. “See you soon.” The door opens and then she shuts it behind her, leaving me alone again.

I can’t wallow in my misery all day, so I change into workout gear and go outside for a walk. The warm weather, the sun beating down and just being in the fresh air definitely helps lift my mood. I try not to think of Grayson.

I’m not successful in the slightest.

T he shower is being held at a local restaurant, fortunately not one Grayson and I had visited together. Before I can even take in the decorations and look of the place, Natalie grabs my arm and drags me to a table. She pulls me into a hug and then lets me sit down. Despite all the plans we had to meet for girls’ night, none of them ended up panning out.

“Girl, we so need to catch up. I haven’t seen you in ages. How are things going? Better question, how is he in bed?” Her face lights up, and she cracks a huge smile as she waits for my answer.

I know she doesn’t know about last night, but the way she’s quasi-interrogating me feels like she does. And I have to swallow down a huge lump in my throat before I can answer her. I start with the question that I can answer truthfully, but it also happens to be the one she most wants the answer to.

“It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. Like ever. And every time is better than the last.”

“I knew it! He’s like good at all parts of it, right?”

“More than good,” I confirm.

“I’m so happy for you guys. You deserve each other. ”

I can’t correct her, so I just give her another smile. She seems satisfied with that. She pulls at my hair. “I love your hair this way. I bet it drives Grayson wild too.”

“That it does. He likes to play with it a lot. It pisses him off when I have it all tied back. He somehow always manages to pull out at least one strand. Secretly, I love it.”

“Seriously, there isn’t another woman on this planet who is better suited for him. I hope he realizes that.”

“We’ll see,” I reply with a shrug. Fortunately, Kylie comes over to our table so I’m saved from having to answer any more Grayson-related questions.

“Ainsley! So glad you could make it.” She makes me stand and then grabs me in for a hug. In my ear, she whispers, “I’m really happy you came. And Bella’s right. He’ll come around.” I notice her face light up as I pull away. “And thanks for making the cupcakes. I hear they are delicious. I can’t wait to try one.”

“I hope you like them, but I’m not too worried.” I lean in closer to her. “Are you drunk?” I’ve never seen her drink more than one since she’s always the one who is taking care of Bella, but she’s definitely had more than one.

She nods with a giggle. “Shh, don’t tell Bella.”

“Don’t tell Bella what?” Bella asks, coming up behind us.

“Nah-nothing,” Kylie stutters out.

“Jeez, woman. How many did you have?”

“Two, maybe three so far. But I’m not done yet. This is my shower, and I’ll drink if I want to. Ainsley can drive me home, right?” She tries to wink at me but is unsuccessful and ends up blinking both eyes.

“Sure thing, Kylie. Drink away.”

Bella gives me the stink eye. “Don’t encourage her. I told you, this is my shower.” She can’t help but snort, which makes all of us join in.

The shower is a fun time. Kylie gets more than a little wasted and ends up spending some time in the bathroom. At least it was after they both opened up the gifts. Bella stayed pretty sober, surprisingly. The cupcakes are a huge hit, not that I’m surprised. I made sure to take some pictures of the display. Grayson can not only make an appetizing cupcake, his are visually appealing as well. No one can tell I didn’t frost them all myself.

I say my goodbyes before everyone else has left so to avoid Grayson. I make sure that Bella will get Kylie home safe, a habit that I picked up from living with Grayson, although truthfully, it’s just nice knowing someone is watching out for you. I promise Natalie a more thorough catch-up within the next few weeks.

When I get home, I change into more comfy clothes and figure I will order takeout for dinner. It seems like forever since I’ve had to eat by myself, even though it’s only been like six weeks. It’s amazing how life can change in a short amount of time, and then one wrong move can make it change again.

I spend the rest of the afternoon and evening lounging on my couch, vacillating between reading, watching TV, and grading papers. I order myself a pizza, which I eat in front of the TV. It’s not nearly as satisfying as eating it with Grayson, on his couch, while watching chick flicks—always his choice. The memories make me smile and then somewhat melancholy. In some ways, I’m thankful it was only six weeks.

In the middle of some movie with Channing Tatum—in which he doesn’t play Magic Mike but is still quite sexy—my phone vibrates on the couch next to me. Putting down my pizza, I pick it up. To say I’m surprised by the sender is an understatement.

GRAYSON

Let me in

Please

Then there’s a knock at my door. When I slowly open it up, he’s standing there, looking as un-Graysonlike as he possibly could.