Delivery to the Farmhouse (Havenwood Cowboys Romance #4)

Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

T he drive home was a little more constricted than it’d been on the way to South Dakota. Having the additional strain of wondering what was really bothering Kyler definitely took its toll.

We stayed at a hotel in South Dakota, cuddling and kissing on the bed in my room while we were supposed to be watching a movie—but I couldn’t say I minded. Eventually, once the credits streamed and a commercial for laundry soap blared, I’d forgotten which movie we’d even settled on before losing ourselves.

Chuckling, giving me a final kiss, Colton slid off the bed and said goodnight, leaving to go to his room.

The next morning, it took a little over an hour to get to the Badlands. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but the eroded buttes were breathtaking.

The sides were striped with sediment, giving orange and brown hues and reminding me of an entire range of termite towers. We held hands as we walked along a few of the trails and stood on the cusp of an overlook that broadcasted a whole range of steep slopes. It was like the bones of the earth were visible .

“Ready to head back?” Colton said. “I figure we’ll stop in Wyoming again and then make our way to Pocatello tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” I said, ready for another cuddle session that evening.

After a simpler continental breakfast of bagels and fruit, we headed out, doing just that. Driving through to Jackson Hole took the majority of the day. We stayed at the same hotel we’d stopped at on our way here, and then it was the final leg of our journey.

While Colton was his sunny self, something seemed off. He still smiled. He sang along to the songs on the radio and talked about random things like his frustrations in renting land and finding custom farmwork—men who agreed to run his machinery and basically be paid to do the work while Colton as the landowner remained responsible for the expenses and the crop itself. He also listened to me talk about my nieces and nephews and how my parents were faring in their new house.

I was nearly done with my book and ready for book two, to find out if the princess and her pirate actually got together. My eyes were tired, and I closed its pages as Colton pulled off the freeway into Pocatello.

It was hard to believe we’d made it all the way back to Idaho already. Then again, it had been about five days since we’d left. Not quite the week he’d promised me, but that was all right.

Pocatello had so many twisting streets, and winding hills. I wasn’t sure I’d ever driven anywhere with so many one-way streets, either.

Soon, Idaho State University’s Holt Arena came into view—a massive, white building that was arched like a huge potato cellar. Colton slowed through a bordering neighborhood, checking his GPS as he went. Soon enough, he pulled to a stop in front of a small house with blue siding.

Kyler strode to the driveway from the backyard, lifting his hand in a single wave. Colton stepped out and pulled his younger—bigger—brother into a hug .

Kyler’s hair was dark like Bryce’s, and he looked the most like him as well. Colton, Dawson, and Luke shared similar features. Regardless, every one of the Holdens was unfairly gorgeous.

Once the back slapping ended, Kyler offered me his hand. His eyes were kind, his smile sad. It was like I could sense just how hard he was trying to hide the hurt he felt inside, and that only tugged my heartstrings that much more and made me glad we’d cut our trip short.

What was really bothering him?

“Hey, Natalie. Sorry to pull you guys away.”

“We were heading this way anyway,” I said truthfully.

I wondered just how much Colton had told his brothers about our adventure. Belle would certainly have spread the word. From the way Bex had talked at the baby shower, and from the way they’d interacted while giving Debra her house as a birthday present, I knew the brothers were close.

The three of us stood together, staring. Waiting awkwardly.

At least, it was awkward for me.

Several cars passed, stopping at the four-way-stop intersection on the corner.

“Want to see the campus?” Kyler asked, gesturing in the direction of the Holt Arena and a few of the other buildings I’d seen on our way here.

“That sounds good,” I said, thinking of Jo. She’d just been accepted here. I didn’t think to ask when her semester started.

I pulled out my phone and sent her a text, doing so now. Her reply was almost instant.

Jo: I start this fall. September, baby!

Me: You’re not excited or anything.

Jo: Oh, not at all. *winky emoji* How’s the road trip going? Where are you ?

I glanced at the brothers, hesitating.

Me: We had to cut it short. I’ll tell you later.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Colton said.

Without waiting, he started down the sidewalk, which meandered in front of several older homes. Kyler fell in beside his brother, and I stalked behind, not minding at all.

In fact, I considered staying in the truck, but after driving for hours on end, my legs were eager for the movement. But these two needed some time to talk. I’d even hang back if I needed to.

“What’s bugging you?” Colton asked.

The side of Kyler’s jaw twitched. He glanced in my direction.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I asked, stopping in front of a double-level home with brown brick. “I can get my book from the truck. I’ll just find a quiet place to read?—”

In fact, it wouldn’t be a difficulty. I was reaching the climax at the end.

“You’re good,” Kyler said, bending his head and shaking his dark hair out of his face. “I got no secrets.”

He started walking once more. The sidewalk widened, and Colton snagged my hand, keeping me at his side while Kyler strolled on the sidewalk’s edge near the street.

For several minutes, our steps and the crush of cars as they passed by were the only sound.

“I’m dropping out of school,” Kyler said. “Mom’s going to hate me for it. But I can’t stay here.”

“What happened?” Colton asked.

“It’s just too much,” Kyler said. “It’s just…I don’t fit here.”

“What have you tried around here?” Colton asked. “Why not play your guitar?”

“It’s only been a month since my semester started, but it feels like everything is hitting at once,” Kyler said. “I just can’t seem to hack this life. I want to play music. I never wanted to be a farmer like you and Bryce, but I could if I had to. You give me a field, and I can tackle it with the best of them. But sitting in a classroom?”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, suspecting something more was happening than he was telling us. “What happens during class?”

“I can’t focus. The teachers give me assignments, and I forget what they’ve given me.”

“You did that as a kid, too,” Colton said, frowning.

“I just don’t get it. I felt like going here was the right thing. If that’s the case, why is everything falling apart?”

“Why did you choose ISU?” I asked.

Kyler glanced at me. “You sure you’re from Bridgewater?” he asked with a laugh.

“What? What am I missing?” I looked at the two brothers, feeling like there was something right in front of my face that I didn’t see.

“Did something happen with Cambry?” Colton asked.

Oh, that was right. I’d heard rumors about Kyler Holden and Cambry Bennett dating on and off throughout the years.

“She broke it off,” Kyler said, lowering his head.

The three of us reached a corner. One of the campus buildings lay to the right while more houses lined the other side of the street.

“I mean—it’s not like we were engaged or anything, but I was just sure she was the one.” The heartache was so evident in his voice, it struck me like a mallet to a drum.

“I know what that’s like,” I said, recognizing this all too well.

Was she the real reason he felt like he wanted to quit everything? To quit school? To quit life?

Both men glanced at me. “Bad breakup?” Kyler asked, glancing at Colton with questions in his eyes.

“Yeah,” I said. “Bad.”

But I didn’t want to go there, so I switched gears. We were here to help Kyler, not me.

I did what I could to help him sort through his thoughts and the feelings he’d shared so far .

“It sounds like you don’t want to be here,” I said. “You picked ISU because it’s where Cambry was going to school?”

“Yeah,” Kyler said, whipping his long-ish dark hair away from his face. “Makes me sound like I don’t know my own mind, I know. But she was the one. I was ready to follow her anywhere.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Colton said, squeezing my hand. “It got you moving in a direction. Nothing saying you can’t switch gears and go in a different one. Sometimes, we try things, and they don’t work out, Hoss. Sometimes, God closes doors.”

Kyler’s voice was unamused. “Yeah, I thought this one was wide open.”

“What are you studying now?” I asked. “What’s your degree?”

Kyler squinted, staring at the way the road we were following suddenly descended toward a gas station at the next corner. A soft breeze swept between us, and I welcomed it, loving the way it cooled my flushed skin.

“Right now, it’s music, but that’s the problem. I always thought I was good. I excelled at guitar so fast—but they want me to study all this age-old stuff that doesn’t interest me. And they’re giving me flak because I can’t read music.”

“That’s why you’re failing,” I said. “You need something that holds your interest.”

“Who says you need a degree to study music?” Colton said.

“I just thought…none of you guys went to college. None of you graduated, so I thought I’d be the first one to do so.”

“Sounds like you don’t know your own mind,” Colton said.

I swallowed. Again, this was a topic I worried wasn’t meant for me.

Kyler stared at him head on. “What does that mean?”

“It sounds like you’re making some pretty big life decisions based on what other people want. Or don’t want. You came to this school because of a girl. You’re choosing music for yourself, yes, but you’re getting a degree just to prove us all wrong?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kyler said, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets and kicking a rock down the sidewalk. “I just…I want to make my own way in life. With all the talk of college and stuff during senior year, it sounded like a good idea.”

“What do you want to do with your life?” I asked, wanting to help him get a clearer focus. “What do you want to study? Music?”

“Sometimes,” he said with a nod. “Sometimes, I don’t really know what I want. Sometimes, I miss the fields and running tractors and farm equipment. I miss riding horses, but I don’t want to join the circuit like Dawson.”

“There’s nothing wrong with following footsteps,” Colton said. “I respect you want to make your own way. That’s admirable. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

“Yeah,” Kyler said.

Colton made his way toward a bench situated in front of a pair of trees near what looked like a bus stop. He sank down first, sliding over to make room for me.

“Have you talked to any of the others about this?”

“Nah,” Kyler said, sinking down beside me. Together, the three of us took up the whole bench.

“Dawson’s getting ready for that baby, Bryce is getting married, and I’ve never been able to talk to Luke like I can to you.”

And apparently me. Kyler must have thought the same thing because he rose from the bench and paced in front of us so he could keep Colton and me in his sights.

“Okay, then. Cast everything else aside. All your worries. All your reasons, and just get right down to it: What do you want to do?” Colton asked, sliding to the edge of the bench and resting his elbows on his knees.

Kyler’s chest lifted as he inhaled. “I think I’ll go home.”

“And do what?” I asked.

“I don’t know. You and Bryce have those townhouses, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll join your crew.”

“To do what?” I asked, prodding again. I didn’t want to be annoying, but I hoped to help him sort through his thoughts. It wasn’t the best idea to pick up and leave without an end goal in mind.

He was young. He was acting impulsively. That wasn’t a good combination.

“Build stuff,” he said like it was obvious. “What else would I be doing on a construction crew?”

“Begin with the end in mind,” I said. “Don’t do this just to run away. What do you hope to gain by coming back to Bridgewater?”

Kyler stared between Colton and me, and his head hung again. “A break? A chance to figure things out?”

“Fair enough,” Colton said, “but I think Natalie is right. Don’t make impulsive decisions just because you’ve had your heart broken.”

“She’s dating other guys,” Kyler said with a hitch of sorrow. “I saw her out with someone else the other night, and it nearly crushed me.”

Sympathy struck me, washing through like water from a stream.

“That sucks,” Colton said.

I frowned. I had this bizarre impulse to pull Kyler into a hug. And then I thought, why not?

I rose from the bench and went to him. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“It hurts,” I told him. “I thought I was going to marry someone last year, and when he ditched me without any warning, I never thought I’d be able to breathe normally again.”

A shuddering breath racked its way up Kyler’s throat. He nodded, his expression eager for what I had to say next.

“But new days come. That pain doesn’t last, Kyler. I know you banked your entire future on her, but that’s why this is so dangerous. People will always let you down. You have to bank your future on the one person you can fully trust.”

“Who’s that?” he said. “Me? ”

“Sometimes, we even let ourselves down,” I said, giving him a sad smile. “Despite our best efforts. You have to put your trust in God. He’s the only one who won’t ever let you down.”

Despite my frustrations with feeling like I had unanswered prayers, as I said the words, I knew they were true. For me, it was the confirmation I needed.

I needed to remind myself of what I already knew. Sometimes, it was just a matter of waiting on God’s timing—which was what I’d been doing for months.

Kyler scraped his hand behind his neck. “It seems like He does.”

“Sometimes, it feels that way,” I said, moved by something I couldn’t name. “But He said ‘look unto me in every thought. Doubt not. Fear not.’ We can’t see all sides from where we are, but God can. He’ll help you.”

I knew it. I believed it. Even in the waiting.

The muscles of Kyler’s throat worked. “Okay.”

“It’ll be all right,” I told him. “You’re strong. You can get through this.”

At that, Colton rose from the bench and joined us. He slid his arm around my shoulders, and my heart gave a little thrill that he would claim me like this in front of his brother.

Kyler stared at us with those sad eyes.

“So what’s going on with you two?” he asked, gesturing to Colton and me. “How long has this been a thing?”

“I’ve liked Natalie since Christmas,” Colton said. “When she was the only one to stay and help clean up after Luke and Belle’s wedding. But she and I only just started going out a few days ago.”

He’s liked me since Christmas? He talked about it so coolly. So easily.

But then, of course he did. It seemed like Colton was chill about everything. Did he ever lose his temper?

“I never thought I’d find someone again. I never wanted to give anyone else a chance,” I added with a little laugh. “But the heart heals. Your heart will heal.”

“I don’t want it to,” Kyler said. “I know that sounds messed up. But I love her. I don’t want to let her go. I did it because she wanted it. But I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s consuming my whole life.”

“Is that love or is it obsession?” Colton said.

Kyler frowned. “Both?”

“That doesn’t sound healthy, bro. Maybe this is a good thing. You two have only ever dated each other. You need some time to grow up a little. Experience life a little more and make sure she’s really the one you want. How can you know what you really want when she’s the only person you’ve ever dated?”

“Sometimes, you just know,” Kyler said.

“That may be true,” Colton said. “But what if you looked at this as an opportunity? Give yourself some time to grieve. Step away from school if you have to. But don’t shut your heart away to possibilities.”

“What do I do about Mom?” Kyler said.

“Debra won’t hold a broken heart against you,” I said.

“You don’t know my mom,” Kyler muttered.

“Maybe not,” I said. “But I know she loves you.”

The two Holden boys nodded. It was only then that I realized tears welled in Kyler’s eyes. Inhaling, turning away from us, he wiped a hand across his face. Colton nestled me close while we allowed Kyler a few moments to clear his throat.

With a wordless agreement, the three of us continued walking, making our way back up the hill, back toward Kyler’s house and Colton’s truck.

“So what are you doing on the road?” Kyler asked. “I mean, why this trip?”

“Road trip, what else?” Colton said, thankfully not divulging any details about my own problems.

I felt for Kyler. But it was interesting because in talking about God’s hand and loving him, that only affirmed as much to me as well. Because I’d felt like God had withdrawn from me—but I wasn’t sure that was the case.

I really did believe God loved me. Just like He loved Kyler, too.

“You can’t go wrong with this guy,” Kyler told me.

“Thanks for stopping by,” he said when we circled back around to Colton’s pickup.

“Let me know what you decide to do. But there’s no shame in going home. There’s no shame in picking a different school or making different decisions for yourself.”

“Just make sure it’s what you want with your life,” I told him. “What you really want. Make sure it will get you to where you eventually want to go.”

“Okay, thanks.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and Colton’s pulling us to his taller frame in a group hug. I got a full whiff not only of Colton’s body products, but Kyler’s as well, and I couldn’t help laughing as the two Holden boys hugged me tightly.

“You think he’ll be okay?” I asked once Colton and I were back in his truck.

“He’ll be fine. He’s young. He’s resilient. Heartbroken, but that happens to the best of us.”

“Did it happen to you?” I asked.

Colton shifted into gear and frowned at the dash. “It did. But I bounced back. You bounced back. Hoss will, too.”

He meandered through the streets, and after we pulled through a drive-through, we were back on the road. Heading back to Bridgewater.

Even though I’d known we were coming to Idaho again, I couldn’t understand the resistance building up inside of me.

As much as I loved being with Colton, I didn’t want to go back home. And I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it.