Demon’s Test (Demon Mates #4)

Chapter Seven

Quirion looked less than ecstatic about the prospect of helping Barion and Jon with their video contest. Milo almost felt bad for pressuring the demon to come with him. Then again, he did think it good for Quirion to spend more time with his family and this was a wonderful chance. The book club would be there, too, which would add another element to the already interesting family dynamic the demons had going. Milo was the first to admit that his scientific mind delighted in the chaos every meeting of the book club promised. Being able to stir the pot even more was a chance he would never pass up. Plus, he really thought it was fun watching all those videos together and judging them.

After his lab showed a semblance of order—by his standards, at least—Quirion opened space and time and brought them directly to Sammy’s bookstore and into the midst of an already heated debate.

“I really think we shouldn’t encourage such an unrealistic portrayal of female anatomy in the videos. It’s not only sexist but also highly impractical.” Amelia, by the melodic way the vowels were intoned.

“I agree with Amelia. Meat sacks this big are only a hindrance, be they front or back.” That voice was new, but Milo thought it belonged to Allienna, the demoness who had become the leader of Barion and Jon’s acting troupe.

“Well, while that’s entirely true, we’d still have to ban more than two thirds of the videos sent to us. And it is fantasy, so we might allow a little stretch of reality?” Barion sounded very careful, as was befitting when discussing such a touchy subject.

“And how will earthen males ever learn differently when we allow them to bend reality? I mean some of them argued a mermaid can’t be black because she lives deep down in the sea, but female fighters having breasts like high performance cows is absolutely fine?” Amelia didn’t sound as if she wanted to let the topic go easily.

“It’s not fine.” By the tone of it, Jon was trying to be the mediator. “It’s very wrong to impose one’s own racist views on an imaginary film character and portraying female warriors like porn stars is an error in judgment at the least and highly sexist to boot.”

“And it’s not true.” Amber. The shrill undertones in her voice always made Milo shudder. “Mermaids, I mean. They’re neither black nor white. Usually, they’re a shade of gray or green. Makes them blend in better with their surroundings. And they don’t have hair. That’s totally unnecessary in the sea.”

“You’re absolutely right, Amber.” Quirion stepped around the shelf of books toward the two couches in the middle of Sammy’s shop, where the whole gang was gathered around three laptops.

“Quirion, Milo, what a nice surprise!” Alerion beamed at them. He was sitting on a bean bag next to the turquoise couch, holding a mug with his favorite hot chocolate. Declan and Troy were sitting on the couch in front of one of the laptops, staring intently at what Milo assumed had to be one of the videos sent in by human fans of Barion and Jon’s video game. To start the PR campaign for their first film playing in the universe of Demon Wars , they had thought it a good idea to make a raffle, giving out free tickets to the premiere and a training weekend with the demon cast to the best ten-minute video depicting a scene from the games. The jury consisted of Jon, Barion, the entire book club, Alerion, Milo and Quirion, and Allienna.

“Hello, Father.” Quirion nodded in the general direction of his sire before focusing back on Emilia and Amber. “What seems to be the problem here?”

Emilia huffed. “Most of these videos depict women like they are porn stars, even though Barion and Jon have given their best to create realistic female warriors for the game.”

“And nobody in the short videos for YouTube looks like that .” Allienna pointed one of her claws at the screen. It wasn’t entirely clear if she was as outraged as Emilia. She seemed to be more annoyed, though it was hard to tell because this was a woman you didn’t mess with on a good day.

Milo eased around Quirion to take a look at the offending depiction. The film on the screen was paused, showing a woman in a thong-like piece of cloth, with boots reaching over her knees, a broad belt on which a scabbard hung, and something that might have had a chance to hold in a small apple but not the amount of meat attached to this person. Her hair was long and floaty not practical in battle at all. If Milo had had any interest in women, this overemphasizing of secondary sexual characteristics might have been alluring—or not. Most probably he would have been frightened. As it were, all he could see was a nightmare for her back.

Allienna tapped her claw against the screen. “I might be able to see it.”

Everybody stared at her with widened eyes.

“What are you able to see?” Declan asked in the tone of a man who knew the answer probably wasn’t what he wanted to hear or ever imagine, but asked anyway because he knew it was inevitable.

Allienna, sadly, didn’t disappoint. “If these”—she tapped the breasts on show—“were sentient they could move out of the way during battle and maybe even smother enemies who come to close.”

“You mean like parasites.” Morbid fascination colored Troy’s voice.

“Yes, I believe we watched a movie where somebody ingested some black goo and could then change and move their body parts. It was most fascinating. Perhaps these things could be the same?” Like all demonesses, Allienna didn’t have breasts to speak of. Certainly not more than any demon. They were warriors, their bodies had adapted to fighting over millions of years. Inconvenient body traits like breasts had probably been erased long ago if they had even been there to begin with.

“I think you mean Venom .” Sammy smiled at Allienna. “That’s a funny movie. And I can see what you mean.” His expression turned contemplative. “Still, I don’t think it’s right to sexualize women. They have enough on their plates as it is.”

“Yes, thank you, Sammy!” The ancient vampire who could rip a man in half without breaking a sweat blew Sammy a kiss while the other females present—a banshee of unknown powers, which meant nobody had ever challenged her and lived through it, a demoness who loved to attach blades to her wings when she went into battle, and two witches who could kill with a well-placed spell—smiled indulgently. Well, it’s the general thought that counts and there are a lot of human women who don’t need the oversexualization either. Milo thought of his own mother, who wasn’t a doormat by any means but had suffered under the social conventions the patriarchy imposed on women just like most of them.

“So semi-sentient breasts who aid in battle?” Declan tapped his chin. “Not entirely far-fetched. Imagine that! It would be like two mini brains attached to the front!” The werewolf was clearly getting into the swing of things, much to his mates’ chagrin. Before anybody could derail Declan, Amber chimed in.

“I always thought only men had one in their trousers?” She was visibly confused.

Emilia looked at her fondly. “As always, you make a compelling argument, kochanie . Let’s not be like men.” She shuddered. “They’re quite adept at being obnoxious without further help.”

“Hey, we resent that,” Declan protested with a wink.

Emilia rolled her eyes. “Present company excluded,” she muttered. “To varying degrees.”

Everybody laughed and Sammy handed out more drinks. Milo got his favorite cocoa with whipped cream and Quirion the special blend Sammy had fixed him on.

“Enough of that.” Maribel clapped her hands. “We’re here to do an important job, aren’t we?” She gestured toward the laptop on the coffee table. “Where’s the list?”

Barion started looking around wildly until Jon stroked his arm and held up a piece of paper. “Let’s go over it one more time before we start watching the videos.”

Declan, Troy and Amber made disgruntled sounds while Emilia just rolled her eyes. Alerion smiled indulgently and Sammy was already leaning forward, apparently eager to hear the rules. The rest wore varying expressions of indifference, which seemed to bug Quirion, who held up a hand. “You must listen carefully. A uniformed list of evaluation criteria is of paramount importance for the successful selection of a worthy winner. Don’t forget, this is also PR for the first Demon Wars movie and there absolutely can’t be any blunders!”

“I’m not sure if I should feel flattered for you even knowing about the film, annoyed because you’re lecturing again , or panicky in face of the possible failure of our film. Thank you, by the way, big brother, for reminding me. I’ve been able to forget about it for about half a second.” Barion’s scrunched-up expression was proof that Milo wasn’t the only one going through a stressful period in life.

Quirion, as usual, appeared completely unfaced. “First, of course I’m taking an interest in what you’re doing. This is the first phase in your life since you were born that you’re doing something productive with a definite goal in sight. It’s absolutely fascinating how long it has taken you to grow up. Although, I guess, most of the credit for that goes to Jon.” Quirion nodded in Jon’s direction. The zombie was busy trying—and failing—to hold his laughter in. “Second, I can’t, in good conscience, let you carry on with flawed methods when I have the means to better your endeavors.”

Now Jon was giggling, holding his sides. Emilia’s facial muscles were twitching as if she were hooked up to an electric wire. The rest of the gang was either staring in disbelieving awe or silently laughing. Milo leaned back to enjoy the show because Quirion was far from done.

“Third, being nervous about the outcome of a new project is perfectly normal and even wanted, because it ensures your continued devotion to make it as good as demonly possible to avoid ridicule not only from the human world”—Quirion said that as if it was the very least of Barion’s problems should the film turn out to be a flop, which Milo doubted, because the game was such a huge hit, Jon and Barion were busy designing a follow-up—“but also from your friends and fellow demons.” Judging from his tone, Quirion found that prospect the worst.

Barion stared at his brother open-mouthed. Jon was still busy holding his sides, his entire body racked by hysterical laughter—Barion wasn’t the only one whose nerves were shot to hell. The others were too engrossed in the show to intervene, and it fell to Sammy to help Barion out.

“Their friends would never ridicule Barion and Jon should the film be unsuccessful, which it won’t be, because they worked so hard for it. And they have our full support, no matter what the public might think. We are family and our love is unconditional.” Sammy patted Barion’s arm, who turned to him with a watery smile.

“Thank you, Sammy, you’re my favorite brother.” He shot Dre and Quirion looks of pure venom.

“Can somebody explain to me what the problem is?” Allienna looked confused. “If the film isn’t to peoples’ liking, we just make another one. We have tons of ideas, and the Demon Wars spanned several centuries. Plenty of inspiration to draw from.” Smiling happily because she obviously thought the topic was dealt with, she took another sip from her mug. Milo didn’t know what she got, but it seemed coffee was part of the concoction.

“Well said, Allienna.” Alerion nodded at the demoness who was beaming under the praise from her king. “Now that my oldest son has so elaborately explained how important a proper judging system is, can you please read the list to us once more?”

Barion stopped glaring daggers at his brothers and cleared his throat. Before he could get out a single word, though, Mavis chimed in. “I don’t think anybody will be able to keep in mind all the points. Plus, we need to write our scores down.” She waved her hand and all of a sudden, Milo held a clipboard in his free hand, on which he found the paper he assumed Barion had been holding. The title— Parameters for Videos —suggested it. There was also a doodle of two stick guys doing the nasty in a position Milo thought was highly unlikely. The snickers all around him told him that he wasn’t the only one who had gotten the paper.

“Damn, Mavis, couldn’t you ask first?” There was a definite whine in Barion’s voice.

“Where would be the fun in that?” The witch didn’t look repentant in the least. On the contrary, she did a high-five with her wife, aka partner in crime, Maribel.

“Does it bring extra points if anybody can show that kind of coitus?” Amber asked.

Declan and Troy started laughing so hard they had to put their mugs down on the coffee table.

Emilia shook her head. “I’m afraid that’s not the kind of film we’re reviewing today, kochanie .” She tapped the clipboard with her knuckles. “Look, we have to concentrate on artistic value.”

For some reason, that made the werewolves howl with laughter.

Barion huffed. “You’re so childish. Thanks a lot, Mavis.”

The witch nodded happily. “You’re most welcome, Barion. I must say, meeting with you lot does an old woman good.”

Nobody commented on the ‘old woman’. Appearances could be deceptive enough under normal circumstances. When dealing with paranormals, they were nothing but a fleeting image nobody with half a brain would pay any attention to. Milo had an entire brain, so he kept his mouth firmly shut.

“Can we please go over the list?” Barion was pleading now.

“We’re waiting,” Quirion commented. “I must say, brother, you get derailed too easily.”

“Says the man who can dive into a full lecture about ink stones at the drop of a hat,” Dre murmured. Milo was glad when Quirion seemed to decide to ignore that statement.

“Fine. So, this is what Jon and I came up with. Since we thought we could give everybody who sent a video that made it to the final round some feedback, we designed this list.” Barion held his paper up and started to read. “First, we judge the overall impression we have. Like, how’s the lighting of the film, does it lure the viewer in, what are the first images, and do they make us curious about what’s to come? Is this a film we’d be inclined to watch further and why? Why not?”

“I assume we have to find nice words if the film doesn’t appeal?” To an outsider, Amber’s question may have seemed mean, but Milo knew the banshee truly didn’t have a clue. She didn’t have much contact with humans in a social environment where they didn’t die shortly after meeting her aka hearing her scream and they would probably have to make another list for her with words that were considered ‘nice’.

“Don’t worry, kochanie , I’m going to help you.” The glint in Emilia’s eyes made clear that she wasn’t being altruistic.

“Do you still have that thesaurus we bought for you?” Sammy smiled encouragingly. “These can be a great help when the right words elude you.”

“Well spoken, Sammy.” Quirion nodded. “A thesaurus is always a most fascinating read.”

“The next point,” Barion chimed in before they got derailed again, “is costumes, make-up, and weapons. This is also a special category in which extra prizes can be won.”

“Okay. But what exactly makes a good costume? Or make-up? Do we judge weapons for how realistic they are?” Allienna, the demoness who liked to go into battle with a double headed ax and a broadsword so heavy, even Declan and Troy had trouble holding it, seemed genuinely concerned.

“Uhm, Allienna, I’m not sure ‘realistic’ is the term I’d be using here. How about we see if the weapons fit into the logic of the video they’re presented in? Otherwise, most of those videos are out.” Jon sighed. “I mean we did some outrageous things regarding weapons in the game. No wonder people got a little…enthusiastic.”

“Enthusiastic? Please, Jon, some of these weapons look like macho wet dreams wrapped in the worst superiority complexes available.” Emilia snorted.

“If you mean the weapons in the game, they are historically mostly accurate. Except a few details here and there that were bound to be presented wrong, of course.” Quirion cocked his head. “Though I have to admit I haven’t seen the videos yet so I can’t say anything about the accuracy of the weaponry presented there.”

“Believe me, it’s even more outlandish.” Emilia winked, showing she didn’t take the whole thing as seriously as she might pretend.

“Then let’s proceed and see what we’ve got.” Quirion nodded in that regal way that made Milo think all kinds of inappropriate thoughts.

There was another lengthy discussion about what exactly made a good script—Declan and Troy thought the quality of a film was greatly improved the more explosions there were, while Allienna insisted that the more complicated the ties between the feuding parties, the more fun it was to watch, Mavis and Maribel declared how grossly the showing of muscles and naked skin was underrated, with Emilia chiming in that there was a difference between action film and porno, while Amber looked more confused by the minute—which was ended by Alerion declaring that the script should be judged by referring to the game. To Milo’s utter surprise, they all agreed on that, like, actually, really, wholeheartedly agreed , before a heated discussion about the definition of martial art restored balance to the universe. In the end, they managed to watch all of the ten videos that had made it into the final round. To avoid an all-nighter, Jon and Barion collected everybody’s sheets to evaluate them before they announced the winner.

Quirion then took Milo to his library for the night so they could have an early start working on the other things the SBW wanted to see from him. It was sweet and overbearing at the same time, but because it came with free breakfast from wherever in the world Milo wanted, he went with it. Croissants fresh from Paris were nothing to be sneezed at.