Deviant

Chapter 12

Rowen

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” my boss, Rosie, says worriedly from the other end of the line. “But yes, don’t even think of coming to work today if you’re not up for it. We have things covered over here.”

“Thank you,” I manage to croak out.

“No problem at all. Would you like me to send someone to your house with some of my homemade chicken noodle soup? It’s known to work wonders for a stomach bug.”

I shake my head vigorously, even though she can’t see me.

The mere thought of anyone finding me in my current state sends my anxiety soaring to the roof.

“No, that’s okay, Rosie. Thank you for offering, but I can manage on my own,” I refuse politely as a cold sweat beads down my brow.

“Fair enough. Rest up and feel better soon,” she replies in a sympathetic tone.

I thank her once again for being so understanding, and after I’m done saying my farewells, I quickly hang up the phone, feeling like that one call has drained most of my energy.

Despite what I led Rosie to believe, my illness is more complicated than just a simple stomach bug. It cannot be cured with soup or anything I might have stored in my medicine cabinet.

My sickness is a matter of the soul—and how I lost mine the day I killed my best friend.

Sitting on the floor in the kitchen corner, I hug my legs and start rocking back and forth, staring at the spot where Nora took her last breath.

It wasn’t supposed to end that way.

She wasn’t supposed to die.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I recall that last night we had together. It started like any other, with her coming over to spend the night, but it ended in the most traumatic of ways.

“That was spectacular, Rowen!” my dad praises, rubbing his belly after eating his third slice of the meat-lovers lasagna I made.

“I’m glad you liked it.” I smile, grabbing his empty plate and putting it in the sink.

“I always like your cooking, you know that, Junebug,” he says affectionately. “But didn’t you threaten to cut me off from red meat and all the other things I enjoy before having a full check-up with Dr. Mitchell? Not that I’m complaining, but I could have sworn I tasted a bit of bacon in there.”

“I might have added that along with some chorizo and sausage, too.”

“You want to kill your old man?” He laughs.

“Of course not.” I giggle. “It’s just that my meat-lovers lasagna is Nora’s favorite too, and I wanted to do something special for her tonight.” I smile, turning to my best friend, who is wolfing down her meal.

“Ah, I should have known this feast wasn’t for my benefit. You should have dinner with us more often, Nora.” He winks at her.

“I really should,” she says, grinning widely as she wipes her plate clean with a piece of garlic bread.

“Don’t get used to it.” I point a finger at my dad. “Tomorrow, we’re back to steamed vegetables and grilled chicken breasts.”

“Hmm. And here I thought tomorrow was leftovers day.” My dad pouts. “That’s if Nora is kind enough to leave me the last slice.”

She stares at the pan and then back at my dad.

“Fine. But you owe me one, Hank. If I or any of my brothers get in trouble with the law, that slice of lasagna is our get-out-of-jail-free card.”

My dad laughs at her sass.

“Doubt you or Aidan would need such a thing. Elias, on the other hand… “

“Nah,” Nora laughs, shaking her head. “When it comes to the three of us, Elias should be the last on your list of your concerns. He’s just got a bad rep, that’s all. Believe me, you don’t have to worry about him.”

“I surely hope not,” my dad says, curiously glancing over at me.

My forehead wrinkles in confusion about why my dad would look at me when Elias’s name was mentioned. I have half a mind to ask him, but then think better of it as he gets up from his seat and grabs his sheriff’s blazer.

“After that delicious meal, I’d rather take a nap than have to go to work, but bills need to get paid.”

“That and Joe will need a place to crash for the night,” I say in jest.

“That, too.” He laughs. “We can’t have Joe sleeping out in the cold, now can we?”

“What Joe needs is a good kick in the butt. Don’t underestimate him. He’s smarter than he pretends to be,” Nora says assuredly with a scowl.

“What do you mean?” I ask curiously.

“Let’s just say I would put good money on the fact that he’ll never touch a drop of alcohol again once he’s turned twenty-eight.”

“I’ll take that action,” my dad interjects.

“A hundred bucks?” Nora cocks a mischievous brow.

“You got yourself a bet,” my dad says, holding his hand out for Nora.

“Easy money,” Nora says, shaking his hand.

“That’s what you think, kid. There’s nothing easy about it. Getting sober isn’t for everyone, and I’ve seen Joe wasted too many times on questionable moonshine to believe he’ll be giving up his hooch any time soon.”

“How old is Joe anyway?” I ask since I always thought he was already in his early thirties.

“He turns twenty-eight next year. Just a month or so after the next Harvest Festival.”

“You certainly know a lot about Joe. Should I assume that you might have a little crush on him?”

“Please,” Nora rolls her eyes at my dad. “I just pay attention, sheriff. Like your job demands you to do. Or are you getting rusty in your old age?”

That statement would have angered my father if it had come from anyone else. However, since it came from Nora, it only serves to amuse him, as confirmed by the broad smile now plastered all over his face.

Nora is like a second daughter to him, and in his eyes, she can do no wrong. I used to feel the same way until she started this whole nonsense about needing to be selected for The Scourge.

“You know, now that you girls have graduated from school, you’ll need to find jobs. Ever think of becoming a deputy, Nora?”

“It’s crossed my mind a time or two,” she replies, her light blue eyes suddenly sparkling with life.

“Maybe you should give it some serious thought. You have a good eye and an even better head on your shoulders. I need people like you in my team.”

“Is this a serious offer, or are you just pulling my chain?”

“Have you known me to joke around?”

“Dad isn’t that funny. If he says he’s got a job for you, then he does,” I add excitedly, praying that this is enough to distract her from her plans tonight.

Nora takes a full minute to consider what my dad is proposing before replying, “Tell you what, Hank? Ask me again after the Harvest Festival. No use making any plans if I won’t be here to follow through with them.”

Our faces fall at Nora’s words.

While my father’s enthusiasm dims because of her reasoning—no use in making plans if The Scourge is going to kill you in the end—my heart falls to the pit of my stomach because of her steadfast determination to see her plan through.

“Then I believe we have ourselves a date. After the Harvest Festival, come and see me so we can discuss your future. Though I already know you’ll make a great deputy.”

“We’ll see, Hank. We’ll see,” she replies and glances over at me, her eyes immersed with secrets.

My dad picks up on it, too, and frowns, completely misreading the intention in her eyes.

“Do you girls have anything planned for tonight that I don’t know about? You know the rules. No boys in the house when I’m not here.”

“Yeah, we know. We’re just going to stay home and have an early night. Maybe watch Attack on Titan or something,” Nora explains in the hopes of easing his mind.

“Attack on what?”

“It’s an anime, Dad. Nora is all about Mikasa and Eren these days,” I add with a nervous grin.

“I have no idea what any of those words mean, but if it keeps you girls at home and out of trouble, then I’m all for it.”

“Now that that’s settled,” I begin, handing him a paper bag. “I packed your lunch, and before you ask, yes, it’s tonight’s lasagna. I also included an extra Tupperware for Bobby since I promised him a home-cooked meal, too.”

“Of course he did, the mooch,” my father laughs. “When did you see Bobby, anyway?”

His question catches me off guard, and my mind goes blank for a second.

“I saw him in town earlier. Anyway, he mentioned he was doing a double shift, so I thought it would be nice for him to have some lasagna as well.”

“Okay, Junebug. I’ll share, but only because I’m so full that I won’t be hungry anytime soon.”

After he checks his weapon into the holster and pats his pocket for the keychain I stole earlier today, he waves us both goodbye.

“Be good, girls. And have fun.”

“Oh, we will.” Nora winks, gaining a little chuckle from him.

Once the front door closes and we hear his car drive off, an eerie silence befalls the kitchen.

I stare at Nora, her teasing smile no longer visible.

“It’s a good job. Being deputy, I mean,” I instigate when she makes no effort to say a word after five minutes.

“And maybe, in another life, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. But not in this one.”

My jaw clenches shut as I turn my back to my best friend and begin washing the dishes.

“Hey, hey,” she says, wrapping her arms around my waist and placing her chin on my shoulders. “Don’t be angry with me. Not tonight, okay?” She lets out a tiny sigh when I continue to madly scrub the pan as if trying to scrub the lunatic plans out of her head. “This plan will work, Roe. Trust me, okay? I know what I’m doing.”

I drop the pan into the sink, turn around, and blurt out, “You mean the plan where you’re purposely trying to get yourself killed?” I cross my arms over my chest in anger.

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Right. Because you know the future. You’re clairvoyant now.” I scoff, irritated with her.

“No.” She smiles sweetly at me, her blue eyes so clear and bright that I can count the tiny white stars embedded in them. “I have no idea what will happen if I get chosen. All I know is that I can’t just sit on my ass and do nothing. I can’t watch my mother perish in front of my eyes without at least trying to help her.”

“Why does it have to be you? Why can’t it be Elias or even Aidan?”

“Because… “ She thins her lips. “For some reason, The Scourge doesn’t want anything to do with Elias. Not that I’m complaining. It gives me comfort knowing at least one of us is safe from that nightmare. And Aidan… come on, Roe. You and I both know that Aidan wouldn’t be able to survive an hour if he got selected. You need a certain mentality for it, and my brother doesn’t have that killer instinct in him. Aidan is many things, but he’s no killer.”

“Are you saying that he’s soft? What does that say about me then? I am dating him, you know? Am I soft?” I counter, offended.

“Yes,” she whispers, running the back of her palm over my cheek. “Soft. And sweet. And good.”

I slap her hand away.

“I am not good,” I curse, hating that those words are coming from the mouth of the one person I thought knew me best. Just as I’m about to storm out of the kitchen, Nora stops me by wrapping her arms around my waist and holding me tightly from behind.

“What I meant was… that you’re good to me. You always have been. That’s the only thing I care about anyway. How good you are to me.” My tense muscles relax when she loosens her hold on me a bit to press a kiss on my shoulder. “Aidan doesn’t deserve you, you know? He’s always been a bit of a little bitch. He’s the safe option.”

“Maybe that’s what I like about him,” I say, frowning because part of me reluctantly agrees with her description of my so-called boyfriend.

“You don’t want safe, Roe—you want to feel alive. Aidan will never be able to make you feel that way, even if you’re not ready to admit it to yourself yet.”

I turn to her and cup her face in my palms.

“I feel safe with you.”

Her eyes soften with a tinge of sadness that I don’t understand.

“I know.”

“Do you feel safe with me?”

“Yes.”

And with her confession, I decide to tempt fate into action in another way.

“Then don’t go tonight. Stay here with me,” I plead before leaning in and pressing a tender kiss to her lips.

Usually, when Nora kisses me, it’s just a quick, innocent peck. But tonight, I want to give her more. I’d do just about anything to keep her from going off to god knows where tonight. However, to my surprise, Nora quickly pulls away from the kiss, her cheeks flushed, not because of breathlessness, but out of pure rage.

“What was that for?” she says accusingly.

“I… uh… just… “

“Just what, Roe?! Did you honestly think that I’d spend the night with you instead of trying to find a way to save my mom?! Was that your fucking plan? Are you that selfish?!”

“No, that wasn’t what I was doing at all.”

“Wasn’t it?” she says, disappointed in me. “Fuck, Roe. Why tonight? Of all nights, why did you have to pull this shit tonight?”

‘Because I don’t want you to leave me.’ The words are lodged in my throat, but they refuse to come out.

Nora grabs my shoulders, gives me a hard shake, and states, “You can’t stop me. Not with this. If you think kissing me would somehow do the trick at keeping me here, then you’re dead wrong.”

“I’m… sorry,” I stammer, feeling both embarrassed by the kiss and hurt that nothing would keep her from leaving.

“Jesus Christ, Roe, what were you thinking?”

“I… wasn’t… it just happened. “

“No, don’t take the coward’s way out. That shit didn’t just happen. You knew what you were doing. But you forgot one crucial thing — I know you. I know every little thing about you. You don’t love me. Not like that, anyway. And that’s okay. I never asked you to. I know what we are, and I’ve made my peace with that years ago. But you trying to manipulate me… toy with my feelings… just to get your way… that’s not you, Rowen. That isn’t the girl I love.”

Tears start welling in my eyes as she shakes me again.

She’s so angry at me. Deservingly so.

“I’m sorry,” I say again before wrapping my arms around her. “I’m so sorry.” She continues to be as stiff as a board as I sob on her shoulder. “Please forgive me. Please, Nora.”

After a few minutes of hearing me cry and beg for forgiveness, she relaxes somewhat and hugs me back.

“I know you are. I know.”

“I’m so sorry, Nora. Please… I didn’t mean it… forgive me,” I continue to apologize in a manic state.

“Shh, Roe. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

I cry harder, realizing that I’m the one who messed things up, yet somehow, she’s the one comforting me.

As I continue to cry and beg for forgiveness, I forget what I’m truly apologizing for.

Is it because I can’t love her back like she wants me to, or is it because I love her so much that I can’t fathom the idea of living without her?

It’s all a colossal mess.

Blackwater Falls loves huge messes, but this… takes the cake.

“Hey, I don’t have to leave just yet. How about we sit on the couch and watch Attack on Titan like we told your dad? I’m sure he’ll have plenty of questions about it in the morning, and it would be pretty bad if you couldn’t answer them.”

I nod hesitantly and allow her to guide me to the living room. As soon as we settle down on the couch, I rest my head on her lap. She switches on the TV to her favorite anime streaming service and selects the show she’s been obsessing over. Still, the rock anthem intro does little to alleviate the heaviness in my chest.

There is still so much she should know.

“You know if I could — “

“I know,” she finishes.

If I could fall in love with her, I would. There is no better human being than Nora. I just never had the same romantic feelings for her that she’s had for me.

“My bad luck is Aidan’s good one, I guess,” she teases.

“I don’t love him,” I confess, not wanting to keep any secrets between us.

“I know that, too.” She lets out a sigh while brushing my hair with her fingers. “I know he’s just a distraction. People in Blackwater Falls would go crazy without them. I never expected you to be any different.”

“Would you rather I date someone else? I could if you wanted me to.”

Nora laughs.

“What I’d like is for you to find someone who actually deserves you. Someone who understands you like I do. Someone who makes you feel alive and fills your days with excitement. Aidan just isn’t it.”

“And what if I’m not built that way?”

“What do you mean?” she asks curiously.

I sit back up on the couch, my face just inches away from hers.

“Love. I’m not good at it. Aside from my father, you’re the only person I love, and I can’t even do that right.”

Her blue eyes soften.

“Trust me. You have the capacity for love and then some. When you find the man of your dreams, you won’t be able to stop yourself from falling head over heels in love with him. It will be the most intense experience you’ve ever had, and it’ll be impossible for you to resist it.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to warn me more than excite me with the prospect of falling in love.”

“I’m not going to sugar coat it—love is pain.” She smiles weakly at me. “But when you find that one person—the right person—it can be glorious too.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so.”

I lean my head on her shoulder and stare at the TV, thinking long and hard about her definition of falling in love. I never asked if she had ever been with anyone, but she never ventured those types of details to me, either. We knew that there were just some topics we didn’t discuss. My sex life with her brother, for one, and hers with god knows who.

But one thing she is right about is that Aidan is not the man of my dreams, as she called it.

And it’s not fair that I keep stringing him along, either. He should be able to also find his person. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find mine.

My lids become heavier with these thoughts running through my head.

I must fall asleep somehow because the next thing I know, I’m stirred awake when Nora places a blanket over me.

“No. Don’t go.”

“I have to, Roe.”

Shit.

Tonight did not go to plan.

“Wait,” I shriek, jumping off the couch like some madwoman. “I made you something.”

“You did?” she asks in confusion, trailing behind me as I hurry to the kitchen.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I don’t have time to slip the Rohypnol into her drink, so I decide to go with plan B instead. Before Nora came over, I made a batch of red velvet cupcakes—her favorite—lacing the creamy cheese frosting with the powder crushed from the ecstasy pills. I’m not sure how fast the drug will act, but I’m praying it’s quick.

“I don’t have time for this,” she says worriedly, looking out the kitchen window at the full moon hanging up in the sky.

“Please, just wait,” I urge, opening the refrigerator and taking the sweet treat out of a container. “Happy Birthday,” I say, handing her the cupcake.

“It’s a little early to celebrate my birthday, don’t you think?” She laughs. “It’s still a month away.”

“If you get chosen for The Scourge like you’re determined to, then you’ll be gone on your birthday. It will be the first one we won’t celebrate together.”

When her expression softens yet again, genuinely touched by the gift, my own guilt and shame start to claw at my throat.

“You’re right. I’ve been so caught up in my own shit that I completely forgot about that. It was really sweet of you to remember. So, do I get a candle? It’s not a birthday cupcake if it doesn’t have a candle to make a wish.”

“I think I might have one here somewhere.”

I turn my back to her nervously and fumble through the kitchen drawers in search of a candle. I feel all sorts of conflicted about my actions, but I don’t see any other way to prevent her from making the worst mistake of her life.

If this works, she’ll hopefully pass out before she’s able to leave. I don’t want her driving under the influence, either. That may get her killed in a whole different way, which is not my intention—saving her is.

“Found it!” I shout a little too excitedly and turn around, planting the candle in the middle of the cupcake. I then light it up and start singing Happy Birthday to Nora, her joyous expression making me feel even worse for my betrayal.

A little bit of me is dying on the inside, being able to lie so easily to her without her being none the wiser. She trusts me so much that it would never cross her mind that I could be anything less than genuine, much less betray her in such a way.

Nora might never forgive me for keeping her from The Scourge, but soon, she’ll realize that all her efforts would have been in vain regardless of whether she was selected for it or not.

Her mother’s ALS is a death sentence.

The doctors have told her as much.

All Nora would be doing was delaying the inevitable.

‘Isn’t that what you’re doing?’ my subconscious mocks.

Maybe.

But Nora is the very embodiment of health. If she never gets selected for the Harvest Dozen, then there is nothing preventing her from living a long and happy life in Blackwater Falls.

“Okay, make a wish,” I say after singing the last verse.

Nora closes her eyes and blows out the candle.

“What did you wish for?”

“I can’t say, or it won’t come true.” She winks at me while dipping her finger into the frosting and asserts, “But if you want to guess,” she sucks the sugary glaze off her finger and continues, “I’ll play along.”

“I hate guessing. I’d much rather you told me instead.” I pretend to pout.

“And what would be the fun in that?” She laughs at my childish antics but stops suddenly when her breathing starts to get shallow, and her face begins to contort.

“Something’s wrong,” she says in alarm, eyeing me in panic while holding onto the kitchen table to keep her balance.

“Nora—”

“Something is terribly wro—” She never finishes her sentence and falls onto the cold, tiled floor.

“Nora!” I scream, rushing over to her.

I place her head on my lap as her lips begin to turn blue.

“What… have you… done?” she asks with fear in her eyes as her body begins to convulse.

“Nora!” I call out, sensing that something isn’t right here. I may not know much about ecstasy, but I know enough that it shouldn’t leave her in this state. She should be in a sort of euphoric haze, not struggling for breath.

When bile starts foaming in her mouth, my panic sets in.

“Nora!” I shout as her body continues to shake madly in my grip.

“Oh, God! Oh, God!” I plunge two fingers into her throat, trying to force her to throw up the little bit of frosting she ate, but it’s no use. It’s already in her system.

When her eyes just glaze over as if she no longer sees anything around her, I lose it.

“NORA!” I shout in a loud cry, while shaking her shoulders.

But then her body stills.

Her eyes are still wide open, but there’s no life behind them.

No. No. No!

This can’t be happening.

This can’t be happening.

This can’t be fucking happening.

“Nora!”

But there’s no reply.

Not a spark of life.

Nothing.

With her head still resting in my lap, I stare at the lifeless corpse that was once my best friend.

Time stands still as I stare at her barren expression, her blue eyes no longer holding that sparkle that they once did.

She’s gone.

I killed her.

I… killed… Nora.

Time ceases to exist, like something out of a movie where the world continues to turn, yet you stay exactly in the same spot.

When I hear my father’s panicked voice call out my name faintly in the background, I’m pulled back to reality, straight into the nightmare of my own making.

“Oh, my god! Nora! What happened? Rowen? What happened?” he says, going to his knees to check for a pulse.

“Don’t bother. We both died last night,” I whisper, holding onto Nora’s cold body in my arms.

“What?” he asks, panicked. “What the fuck happened here, Rowen?!”

But I don’t have any more words to give him.

Because the truth… is far too ugly for my father’s sensible ears.

Last night, there were two deaths that occurred in this house.

Two deaths that I’m responsible for—hers and mine.

But while Nora’s soul has already found peace, mine will forever live in despair and torment.