Deviant

Chapter 14

Rowen

I stare at Aidan’s text and feel physically ill. He wants me to come over tonight and we all know what that means—another sloppy rumble in his bed, leaving him satisfied and me disgusted with myself.

After spiraling these last few days while recalling everything that happened between Nora and me, the last thing I need is to placate Aidan’s libido. It’s definitely time to pull the plug on this charade of a relationship and end things now.

I’ve procrastinated for far too long as it is.

I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to him. I doubt he’ll put up much of a fight, seeing as the writing has been on the wall for some time now. Either by sheer boredom or complacency, we just haven’t gotten around to having the talk. Still, I’m sure he’s expecting it.

With Emily asking me to drop by their home more often, breaking up with her youngest son will be the perfect excuse why I can’t.

I’m sure she’ll understand that.

I know that seeing my face brings her comfort, but seeing hers only reminds me of the awful human being I am.

Of the monster that I’ve become.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

I can’t even bring myself to offer this tiny bit of comfort to a dying woman.

God.

Who the fuck am I?

Well, after tonight, I’m not Aidan’s girlfriend anymore, that’s for damn sure.

Not after we talk, anyway.

Still, knowing that this will probably be the last time I’m invited into Nora’s home feels wrong somehow. The thought that I won’t be able to use Aidan as an excuse to pass by her bedroom door is making me reconsider the entire idea.

Damn it.

No.

I have to do this.

Just pull off the Band-Aid already.

Soon enough, none of this will matter anyway.

Not after I’m gone.

Not after I’m chosen.

If I ever figure out how to get chosen, that is.

Determined to follow through on at least one thing in my life, I get into my car and drive the ten minutes it takes to get to the Larsen home. But just as I arrive and step out of the car, I hear a loud crash from inside the house.

Concerned for Emily’s safety, I rush toward the front door and trip on the porch steps, almost falling in my eager haste to find out what the hell is happening inside.

“You motherfucker! I should kill you right where you’re standing for even saying such a thing,” Elias shouts, looking every bit the unhinged madman I always imagined him to be.

“Try it, asshole. Don’t want The Scourge to beat you to the punch, now do we?” Aidan shouts back.

They are so focused on each other—so consumed by the loathing they feel for one another—that they don’t even notice my presence.

I’m taken aback by what I find. Chairs are flung every which way, cushions torn open with stuffing spilling out like confetti, the coffee table overturned, and remnants of a shattered flower vase littering the floor. The living room is in complete disarray, but the pregnant pause hanging heavily in the air, warning that the worst of the storm is yet to come, is what truly alarms me.

This is so much more than mere sibling rivalry. This is hate in its purest, raw form.

“I swear to God, Aidan, if you say one more word about our sister, The Scourge will look like child’s play compared to what I intend to do to you,” Elias warns with a lethal expression etched on his face.

“What did I say, huh?” Aidan spits out just as angry. “What did I fucking say that was so fucking wrong, huh? That Mom, being on her deathbed, is all Nora’s doing? Well, guess what, E? It is. She wouldn’t have deteriorated this way if our sister wasn’t so goddamn selfish. I mean, accidental suicide? We all know what that really means. She killed herself because she couldn’t hack it. The pressure of possibly being selected for the games was just too much for her to take. We see it all the time, eighteen-year-olds taking the coward’s way out just before the Harvest Festival. She wasn’t special. She was just another statistic. You’re the one who put Nora on such a high pedestal that you refuse to see the truth. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the true reason she killed herself was because she couldn’t live up to your high expectations anymore. So maybe it’s you I should really be blaming for our mother’s current condition.”

“Shut up, Aidan. Shut your goddamn mouth,” Elias threatens with gritted teeth, his hands balled into fists beside him.

“Fuck no,” Aidan counters defiantly. “I’m tired of always walking on eggshells in my own fucking home. Mom is dying. She’s dying. And you and I can’t deal with it anymore. The worst part in all of this is that if Nora was going to take the easy way out anyway, the least she could have done was let herself be selected so we could at least get paid. A hundred thousand dollars would have gone a long way to make Mom comfortable in her last days. You can thank your beloved sister that she’s not. Mom will continue to rot away in this dump until the day she dies.” Aidan then goes one step further and looks up at the heavens. “Way to go, Nora. Way to fucking go.” He snarls before putting his attention back on his older brother. “And if you had any fucking heart, you would have told Nora how the fuck your name never gets called when everyone knows that you’d be fucking perfect for The Scourge. You would have saved us a world of hurt if you did. But if you didn’t share your secret with your precious Nora, then I’d be a fool to ever think you’d ever share it with me.”

Elias’s expression morphs from deadly to arrogant, and says, “You’re right. I’d never tell you.”

Aidan’s eyes flash with even more resentment as he counters, “I knew it. You’d really rather see me killed, huh?”

“Baby brother, if I had it my way, I’d kill you myself rather than sit back and watch some other motherfucker get so lucky,” Elias replies with that terrifying calm tone of his.

“Then come at me! Do it! Just fucking do it already! I dare you!”

“Don’t try me, Aidan.”

“Try you?! I want nothing to do with you. You’re an aberration—a freak of nature. Just breathing the same air as you makes me want to hurl. That’s how little I think of you.”

“Stop!” I shout, exhausted by their toxic alpha behavior.

It’s only after my loud outburst that they realize I’ve been standing here all this time, witnessing their cruel bickering.

“Rowen,” Aidan begins, his vile expression shifting to one I’m more familiar with—the docile and friendly mask he wears so well. “I didn’t see you there. How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” I reply sternly, unconvinced by the fake smile he throws my way.

The things he said about Nora were just too ugly to ever forgive or forget.

“I can explain—”

“Don’t talk. I don’t want to hear it,” I scold, not in the mood for any of his lies.

Where Aidan pretends to look repentant, Elias does not. He’s completely uncaring whether or not I heard him fight with his brother.

“Where’s your mother? Where’s Emily?” I ask, concerned more for her well-being than I am for her sons.

“In her room,” Elias explains. “Resting.”

“Don’t you mean dying?” Aidan interjects sharply.

I cross my eyes at Aidan and punch him in the shoulder as I bypass him to go and check on his mother.

Usually, I would be light on my feet, trying not to disturb her with my footsteps, but given the loud ruckus her sons were making, I figured if that didn’t wake her, nothing would. When I open her bedroom door, I find Emily sound asleep, her face a mere combination of skin and bones.

Aidan’s right. She’s been deteriorating faster than I could have possibly imagined. She looks so frail now, a ghost of the vibrant woman she once was.

A quick glance at her bedside table reveals enough medication to ensure she sleeps for most of the day and night.

This isn’t a life.

This… is death.

This house… is entrenched with it.

It’s a small mercy knowing Nora never saw her mother this way.

I, however, can’t say the same.

The guilt I carry on my shoulders feels like it has doubled in size and weight as all my doubts come rushing to the forefront of my mind.

What if Nora had gone to The Scourge and ended up winning?

Could Emily have gotten the help she needed from the outside world and prolonged her quality of life?

Did I do this?

Did I speed up her death?

The answer to all those questions lies heavy on my heart.

Not only do I have Nora’s blood in my hands, but I was an instrumental force in bringing Emily’s death earlier on, too.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whisper, shame, guilt, and anger pulling at me in every direction.

It’s only when I leave her bedroom that I focus on the only feeling that could actually do some good around here—anger.

Angry at myself and at the two men in the living room, I walk down the corridor with a new purpose.

“Babe, I…,” Aidan starts as soon as I step into the room, but I hold out my hand, raising a finger to signal him to keep his mouth shut if he knows what’s good for him.

“I don’t even know where to start with you two. All I know is that Nora would have been ashamed of both of you. Do you hear me? Both of you. Instead of making your mother’s last days on this earth something she could look forward to, you two decided that bickering and fighting with each other was a more worthy use of your time. Shame on you. Shame on both of you.”

I try to hide my surprise when Elias’s dark blue eyes lower to the floor, looking genuinely ashamed of his actions.

On the other hand, Aidan doesn’t look bothered by my reprimand one bit.

“That’s easier said than done, babe. If you had to live under the same roof with someone who could save your life and refused to do so, then I’m sure you’d find plenty to argue about.”

“What does that have to do with your mother?” I sneer, frustrated that his main concern revolves around his own well-being rather than his loving parent.

Was he always this selfish, and I just didn’t see it? Or did I just pretend I didn’t, for Nora’s sake?

“Are you kidding me right now?” Aidan rebukes insulted. “It has everything to do with it. Or do you honestly believe my brother could handle taking care of our mother on his own if I’m selected for the Harvest Dozen next week?”

I turn to face Elias, his indigo eyes staring daggers at his brother.

“Not only do I believe he could, but I know he wants to,” I say steadfastly while staring directly at Elias. His gaze flicks from his brother’s onto mine in confusion. “You forget that I’ve been coming to this house for most of my life. I’ve seen how well Elias treats Emily. All the sacrifices he’s made for this family. He’s a good son. A caring son. He always has been.”

“Excuse me? Are you fucking serious right now?” Aidan protests behind me as if I’d hit my head and lost my mind.

“I am.” I nod at a perplexed Elias before turning my attention back to Aidan. “I’m dead serious. Elias might have his flaws, but name one person in this town that doesn’t? Regardless of that, he is caring and loving to Emily. That should be enough to tranquil your mind should you get chosen.”

“ Should I get chosen?” Aidan’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets. “Are you honestly assuming that I will? Is my own fucking girlfriend secretly hoping that I’m selected for the Harvest-fucking-Dozen? Am I hearing you right?”

“That’s not what I said.” I frown when his temper tantrum has him twisting up my words.

“Well, that’s what I fucking heard,” he grunts, pulling at his long, blond hair in exasperation. “You know what? I can’t be here right now. Just looking at the both of you… like you’re in cahoots or something… fuck. I can’t even stand the sight of either one of you right now,” Aidan hollers, balls of spit flying in every direction.

I don’t make a move to stop him as he races out the door, getting behind the wheel of his mom’s car to go god-knows-where. Instead, I just look around at the mayhem the boys did to the living room and start picking up the pieces, unwilling to leave this mess for Emily to find in the morning.

“Leave it. I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s fine. I can help,” I reply.

“I said… leave it.”

I drop the shards of glass from the broken vase back to the floor just to glower at him.

Is he so proud to refuse my help even now?

I open my mouth to challenge him, but before I can get a word in, he turns around and heads to the porch, tilting his head for me to follow him outside. I do so silently and watch him lean against the rail as he lights up his cigarette.

“Those things will kill you.”

“That’s the idea. Better these fuckers than The Scourge. ”

My forehead creases at the statement.

“Does that really concern you? That you might be selected?”

“Shouldn’t it?” He lets out a puff of gray smoke.

“Maybe it shouldn’t. Everyone, including your own brother, believes that the games don’t want you for some reason.”

“My brother, alongside everyone in this town, is an idiot.”

“So you haven’t found a loophole to evade being selected like everyone believes?”

“If I told you I hadn’t, would you even believe me?”

“Yes.”

His cocky smile slips off his lips, confusion once again setting in.

“You actually mean that shit, don’t you?”

“Why wouldn’t I? If you knew of a way to avoid the games entirely, then you would have told Nora. I know you would.”

“Ah,” he lets out another puff of smoke. “What makes you think I didn’t?”

“She would have told me if you had,” I retort with certainty.

“You really think you had her wrapped around your little finger that much, huh?”

“I never said that,” I take offense to his remark. “I just know… I mean, I knew Nora. She would have saved any life if she had the means to, even one as pathetic as mine.”

“On that, we can agree. That your life is pathetic, I mean.” He chuckles.

“Do you always have to be like that? Cruel when you don’t need to be?”

His eyes dim a darker shade of blue until all I see is black.

“I’m only cruel to those who are deserving.”

“And I deserve it?”

“I think you know the answer to that.”

I let that hang in the air.

I do deserve it.

We both know I do.

“I don’t like you,” he says after a long pause.

“I’m aware.”

“I mean… I fucking despise you.”

I grimace at his words but am not surprised by them either.

“Like I said, I’m aware.”

“I didn’t need you to play the knight in shining armor back there with Aidan. I can handle my own shit.”

“I know you can.”

His eyes penetrate mine in a way they’ve never done before.

“We’re not friends. We’re not anything.”

“Is this how this conversation is going to go along? You stating the obvious? Because I have better things to do with my time than stand here listening to you whine about how much you loathe me.”

“Then stop making it so easy for a guy to hate you.”

“Why? When it’s obvious I’m so good at it?” I roll my eyes since it’s apparent Elias isn’t going to change his tune anytime soon.

Though I usually enjoy his type of cruelty, I’m just not in the mood for it tonight. Not only did I not break up with Aidan like I wanted, but I also realized that I couldn’t after seeing Emily wasting away like that. As long as she’s clinging to life, the least I can do is spend with her whatever remaining days she has left. If my presence brings her comfort, then that’s what she’ll have.

As I’m about to leave Elias with his dark cloud of smoke, he surprises me by grabbing my arm, preventing me from taking another step.

“Wait.”

Oxygen evades me with this one touch as his grip tightens around my forearm.

The sound of my rapid heartbeat rings in my ear as my gaze slowly lifts from his fingers to his face, the formidable clench in his jaw making my knees weak.

“I’m not done with you yet,” he says, the words sounding both threatening and promising to my ears.

When he releases my arm to walk to the other side of the porch, the corners of my lips dip into a frown, wishing he’d kept his hold on me a little while longer. But my disappointment is short-lived and replaced with curiosity as he lifts a familiar backpack hidden away behind the porch couch.

He throws it at me, and I catch it in one go.

“What… what is this?” I ask, staring at Nora’s checkered backpack, the one she used to use for school.

“I had to clear some stuff in Nora’s room the other day and thought you might want that shit.”

“You’re clearing out her room?” I ask in panic.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist. I just gave away some old clothes and toys. Nothing major. Not everyone can live off The Scourge money for the whole year, you know? Some people need all the help they can get. Especially those who have to blow their chunk of change on medicine and other hospital bills every year.”

Shame coats me yet again when I realize that Elias might have a bigger heart than my own.

I wouldn’t have given Nora’s belongings away.

Not even to those most in need.

“Thank you for this,” I say, choosing not to vocalize the unsettling realization I had about myself in light of his generosity.

“Yeah, okay. Now if you don’t mind fucking right off, that would be great.”

I guess Elias has had enough of me for the night.

“Goodnight,” I say with a smile, hugging the backpack to my chest.

“Yeah, whatever,” he grumbles, stubbing out his cigarette and rushing back inside.

From the porch, I watch him begin cleaning up the mess they made, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe everyone has got it all wrong.

Perhaps Aidan’s friendly charm is just a mere fabrication and utterly superficial, whereas the truly genuine soul is the one that everyone considers a freak.

Not wanting to fall down that rabbit hole just now, I walk back to my car with the precious load of Nora’s sentimental objects.

I don’t go home either, though, preferring to investigate the backpack’s contents in a safer environment. If my father saw me with Nora’s things, he might take issue with it. Best I see what’s inside without him spying over me.

Once I reach Grove Bridge, I sit cross-legged right beside our carved initials and start unpacking the bag. There are some old, worn-down anime issues that she enjoyed. Some friendship bracelets we did when we were kids, and her favorite Arctic Monkeys T-shirt. I take a whiff of it, disappointed to find that it had been washed, the only scent remaining being Elias’s. I take another inhale, breathing him in and realize that the mint and sage scent comforts me just as much as Nora’s jasmine perfume used to.

As my body relaxes at all the sentimental treats given to me, it tenses back up again when I retrieve a little black book that Nora had been carrying around the previous months before her death.

She never let me see what she wrote in it, nor did I ever ask her to.

At the time, I just assumed she had taken up journaling since having a diary at that age didn’t seem like something she would do. I know there were some things she found hard to confess to me, so I naturally thought that this little black book was her way to purge all those illicit feelings.

I caress the black cover with my fingers and take a deep breath. Something whispers in my ear that I shouldn’t open it. I’ve already taken too much from my best friend as it is. To steal her last thoughts and ideas…

The decent thing to do would be to throw this book over the bridge and make sure that whatever her last thoughts were, they remain her own and no one else’s.

But I’m not decent. I’m selfish.

I need to know what she’s written, even if only to feel closer to her again. Even if only for a moment.

“Nora, forgive me,” I whisper before cracking open the notebook and reading every line as if my life depended on it.

But what I find are not her most intimate thoughts or dreams. It’s research.

Every line is filled with detailed and precise information about all things related to the Harvest Dozen.

I had so many questions. So many unanswered questions that I was starting to lose hope of ever being chosen, and by some miracle I now hold at my fingertips the exact blueprint to do just that.

I quickly flip back to Nora’s last entry, knowing that must have been the day she discovered how to be selected. Apparently, Father O’Sullivan had been more helpful to Nora than he ever was with me. He gave her everything. There is even a map and a list of instructions on what must be done.

But most importantly of all, there is a date.

‘For one night and one night only, someone can volunteer out of their own volition to be chosen for The Scourge. All previous rules don’t apply when it comes to volunteers. They take precedence over all other candidates. Father O’Sullivan told me that during the Great Depression, Blackwater Falls and the Hosts came to an understanding. They would allow anyone who wanted to be sacrificed on this night, but only on this night. Should the town have a full dozen volunteers each year, the Hosts would honor their agreement even if they have their eye on more suitable candidates. However, the only night to do this is when the barley moon is up. Also called the harvest moon. Once the moon sets, should no volunteers arise, then the Hosts have their pick of the litter.’

After reading Nora’s entry, I grab my phone and search online for the next date the harvest moon takes place. Relief washes over me to know that I haven’t missed it yet. The next harvest moon will be high up in the sky tomorrow night, celebrating the beginning of the fall equinox.

Just five days shy of the Harvest Festival.

This…

This is my in.

This is how I will make things right.

I will end what she started.

I will be chosen.

With Nora’s detailed instructions, no one can stop me now.