Don’t Be in Love

9

Don’t Let Your Friends Change Your Mind — Adelaide

“Addy?” Sabrina’s voice couldn’t have been louder than the pounding of my heart. The pounding of my heart which was beating against Dorian’s ribcage …

I hated him. I hated him, I hated him, I hated him.

And I was completely lying on top of him. Chest against chest, torso against torso, hips against hips. My right knee was wedged between his legs, pressed against the hardwood floor. My cheek was smooshed against the cotton of his T-shirt. The buckle of his belt uncomfortably poked my stomach.

I slightly rose with each breath he took. I could even feel the pulse in his fingers, where he was holding onto my arms to keep me from slipping off of him.

May as well strap me to an operation table because even that’d be less excruciating.

“She must be in the bathroom,” Mia spoke up.

“Oh bollocks. Well, I have to print these papers anyway. The printer at the flat stopped working and I didn’t feel like going to campus,” Sabrina explained.

“I’ll give you a hand,” Mia responded, much too enthusiastically.

“What’s wrong with you?” I whispered, pushing my hands into his chest to create some space. I wanted to look him in the face as he tried to give me his bullshit answer.

“Why don’t you want her to see us?” he shot back, his brows furrowing. As if he had a reason to be questioning me . “Answer the question.”

“Because she can’t know that I know you. And she definitely can’t know that I’m tutoring you or why I’m stuck tutoring you,” I exhaled.

“Why?” His nose scrunched up.

“Because you’re off limits.”

“ I’m off limits? How’s that?”

I pressed my fingers to my eyes, having to tilt my face down to meet my hand. My forehead lightly grazed his chin. “My friend is interested in you. I obviously didn’t realize who you were beforehand or else I would’ve never … ya know.”

Based on the crease in his forehead, that was not the response he was expecting.

“Do you get why I need you to leave me alone now?” I repeated. Maybe he’d gather some decency and let me off the hook with this tutoring thing.

There was a pause in our back and forth. He searched my face. Up close, I could only imagine how much he was finding. The earring that sagged in my right ear because I couldn’t help but pull on my hoops as a kid. The dark strand of hair that always curled at my temple. Or the scar on my face from the time I tried to teach myself how to swim in my grandma’s pool and hit my chin off the diving board.

“Come to the Dinner with me,” he asked with determination.

“As your date?” I questioned, dumbfounded.

“Of course.”

“No,” I scoffed.

He frowned, the pressure on my arms loosening slightly.

“Did you not hear any of the words that just came out of my mouth?” I pointed out. My cheeks were getting hot. Strands of hair were blocking my peripheral vision, and my patience was thinning to a strand so thin I could floss my teeth with it.

He let go of my left arm to push a piece of hair back behind my ear. “Oh, I heard you. But all it sounds like is you’re protecting your friend from getting hurt, which is inevitable sooner or later.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not interested in her, so there’s no point to this.”

“You don’t even know her. She’s very easy to love.”

“I’m sure she is, but I’m not interested.”

“You don’t even know what she looks like, that’s ridiculous.” Why was I even arguing with him about this when I just said ten minutes ago, I’d never set them up?

“Come to the Dinner with me.”

“God no. And before you open your mouth again, I don’t have time for it anyway, I have too much work to get done along with dealing with you.” I pushed my finger into his chest.

He was unaffected. Each notch my anger rose, his composure remained stagnant. “What’s the point of going to Townsen and living in London if you’re not going to experience it?”

“You don’t get it.”

“Adelaide!” Mia called. “You’re good now, she left.”

I scrambled to get up, pushing off his chest and brushing the dust off my knees. I couldn’t believe neither of us realized the background noise of their voices had stopped.

He stood up after me, but I was already taking a seat at the table. “Don’t talk to me unless you have a question about the project, or I’ll delete your slideshow.”

“Are you going to the Dinner Saturday night?” James asked.

“Not you too,” I groaned.

“Have something against food and dancing?” he responded.

“Love food, despite the questionable cuisine they offer on campus, and I love a good dance. I just don’t have time,” I emphasized, feeling like a malfunctioning parrot who couldn’t figure out how to say anything else.

The final two weeks of September, I had gathered a rhythm. I figured how to get to my classes without counting the number of hallways I turned down. On the days I wasn’t tutoring Dorian, I was working at the bookstore or staying in the library until it closed at 11 p.m. to work on assignments. On the mornings I didn’t have an 8 a.m., I went for a run or prepared my dinner for that night.

Class, work, homework. Class, homework, tutor, work. Run, class, homework, class, homework.

Somewhere in between there also included: pretending that Dorian wasn’t quietly looking at me from behind his laptop during tutoring, and shooing Maureen’s cat out of our apartment back to its home next door.

I shifted my bag on my shoulder as James and I approached Westminster Abbey, Big Ben coming into view. I wasn’t sure how I still had air left after seeing this view so often. Each time the face of the clock adapted to the moon’s glow, it genuinely pulled wisps of air from my diaphragm. It was so beautiful. A piece of art pulled straight from a postcard piercing the night sky.

Green leaves were beginning to collect on the sidewalks. They crunched and scraped against the cement as foot traffic moved through. The first days of October had no effect on the color yet. But the streets were littered with people in peacoats and long belted jackets.

“Adelaide, this is a Townsen tradition, you can’t miss it. Clear your calendar, put your reads to the side, close your door so the neighbor’s cat doesn’t get it, and shelf the self-improvement podcasts for a night,” he reasoned.

“You’re starting to sound like Dorian. No wonder you two are friends,” I commented with a chip in my mouth.

A smile pulled on his lips. “He’s dramatic, we have a good time. Think about the networking,” he nudged my arm.

I pursed my lips. “You’re good. I’ll think about it.”

We sidestepped a woman in the middle of the sidewalk who bent down to pick up her dog. James grabbed my arm, pulling me to his side before a bicyclist could drive straight into me.

I exhaled in relief. “That was close.” I felt my bag to make sure everything was still there.

“They don’t have cycle lanes in your city?” he asked concerningly.

“Most of the time they’re an after-thought,” I winced. “I’ll be staying on the sidewalk from now on.” I looked down where his hand was still around my elbow. He followed my gaze, a strand of silver hair falling forward. It contrasted his dark brows and lashes but complemented his lighter skin. It wasn’t cut neatly like Dorian’s. It was grown out, reaching the middle of his neck, waves curling around his ears, almost like a fairy’s.

He let go of my elbow, stuffing his hand into his pocket. “Fortunately, we’re here so we don’t need to worry about anymore cyclists. I’ll grab the tickets. Want to find us a seat?”

I saluted him with a chip in my mouth and turned. The park beside Westminster Abbey was almost completely covered by felt blankets and crossed legs. Everyone faced the Abbey, where a large screen was propped up. I could’ve watched a movie on my laptop for our class assignment tonight, but it was hard to say no to James’s outdoor film idea. Especially when I mentioned it to Mia. Who then mentioned it to Sabrina. Who I could see sitting at the back of the lawn on a pink gingham blanket.

“Over here!” Sabrina sat up on her knees, waving her hand.

“Sorry, excuse me, sorry, thank you, excuse me.” I finally dropped onto the blanket without stepping on any legs or dogs.

“Where’s James?” Mia asked, pushing up on the palm of her hand and swiveling her gaze.

“Hi, Mia! I had a lovely day, thanks for asking, what about you?” I said.

“He’s still going to sit with us, right?” she asked.

I leaned backward to see Brina’s reaction.

She’s crazy , Sabrina mouthed.

I know , I mouthed back.

“He’s coming! He’s coming!” She smacked my arm.

I rubbed my arm. “You’re insane ,” I whispered.

“ No , I just want to be able to go home during Christmas break and tell each one of my cousins to suck it because I got a British boyfriend,” she spoke with a frightening amount of determination.

Sabrina looked at me in fear.

I turned and threw my arm in the air to catch James’s attention. He stepped over everyone’s extended legs with much more grace than I had before sitting beside me.

“It’s nice to meet you both.” He leaned over me to extend his hand to Mia and then Sabrina.

They both responded with some iteration of nice to meet you too , paired with a gawking look from Brina and a wide smile from Mia.

Well then. “How much were the tickets? I can—” I reached for my wallet.

“It’s fine, I dragged you all the way out here,” he shook his head. “You haven’t seen Dirty Dancing anyways.”

“A crime in itself,” Mia interjected.

“Exactly,” he agreed. “Now you’re stuck with this memory forever, knowing that we saw it together.”

“Well thank you, I appreciate it.” I bumped my shoulder against his.

Being around James was easy. Settling into his hellos and listening to his melodic voice was easy. We only talked once a week, but it was never not full of laughs.

I knew about the books he was in the middle of reading, how he made his tea, his plan to work in publishing after university, how Dorian had dared him to dye his hair platinum years ago and hadn’t stopped since. I even knew the chips he brought to campus every day.

“Chip?” I angled the bag of elbow macaroni-shaped chips toward him.

“ Crisp ,” he corrected me, putting his hand in the bag. “You’re starting to sound like a tourist.”

Brina leaned over Mia to grab a chip. “I’ve tried, she’s hopeless,” she added on.

“We’re going to add that to the list of things you need to work on. Townsen traditions first.” He took another chip. “You must be going Saturday.” He looked to Brina, but her eyes were wide with confusion. “Unless you’re new to Townsen too …” He hesitated.

“No, I just tend to avoid social gatherings.” She smiled awkwardly.

“Free food guys, come on ,” he said it like it pained him. “It’s my favorite event, you’re all coming then.” He nudged my shoulder as if to threaten me, but it only made me laugh.

An echo of Shhhs ended our conversation. The gray screen at the front of the lawn sparked to life singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” as a car flew down the highway.

The sky’s deep pink glow quickly shifted to a midnight blue. My head fell back. The one thing I missed that London couldn’t offer was the stars. My mom used to look out the kitchen window after cooking dinner to point out the constellations in the sky. She had an easier time remembering the stars than the street names in town.

“ Addy.”

I flicked my gaze to Sabrina. She gestured for me to lean over behind Mia.

“I didn’t realize that the James in your class was James Breyer,” she whispered with wide eyes.

I stared at her, waiting for what that was supposed to mean.

“James Breyer—Dorian Blackwood’s friend!”

My heart lurched. Physically threw itself against my chest as if someone directed a confetti cannon at my eyes. Except this was the worst surprise ever.

“They’re always seen together at pubs and events. Their families even holiday together,” she explained. “They’re practically brothers. It’s well known that he’s Dorian’s closest friend. If James is going Saturday, Dorian might be too. We have to go.”

“I don’t know, I have a lot to get done. Why don’t you and Mia go? I can even help you get ready beforehand. It’ll be like I’m going with you! Getting ready is the best part anyway,” I tried to argue my case. I could not be in the same room as Sabrina and Dorian, at the same time, again . That was like putting a candle in a ballroom with gunpowder and waiting to see who tipped the candle over first. No matter what, the night would end in some type of bonfire.

“You have to come; you never stop working. I missed out on so many of your and Mia’s outings. This is the only time all three of us will be in university together. This could be our only chance,” she pleaded.

There was an anxious puttering in my stomach. It was split in half, pulling me in two different directions. One was urging me to stand my ground and say no. To stay away from Dorian and get my work done.

The other was telling me to please my friend so that she wouldn’t grow to resent me. It was rash. An irresponsible decision. But the idea of letting her down more than I already had made me sick. I didn’t have anyone else.

So I said, “Alright.”