Dopplebanger (Meet-Cute #5)

Chapter 31

THIRTY-ONE

A week and a half into my new job, and I was finally starting to feel like I had the hang of things. Well, save the copy machine. Every time I tried to do something as simple as duplicate documents, it’d eat them or spit out a hundred versions of page one. Or it’d jam or smear black ink down everything, including my white shirt.

Yeah, the copy machine was clearly possessed by a demon.

But everything else from the compact desk in the tiny, windowless office to the stack of paperwork that’d take me approximately a month to go through but had to be done by the end of the week… All of that was exactly what I’d always pictured when I’d decided to become a lawyer.

In other words, I had everything I’d always wanted.

And it felt so damn empty. I gripped the armrest of my cushy chair, bracing myself for the destructive ping pong ball that’d beat up my insides, awakening all the regret that refused to be shoved away.

This giant piece was missing, and that piece was named Gwen.

With that, the words on the document in front of me swam together, and I tossed the file I’d been going through onto my desk and raked a hand through my hair. Since I’d reached the end of my coffee cup a while ago, I decided to pack up and call it a day.

Gwen loved coffee. If only I had an ounce of her energy, coffee or not.

Even in court, it’d be handy to talk as fast as she could. To twist up my opposition with so many words they wouldn’t know which ones to address first.

I bit back a smile, even as more regret crept up to bind my chest. God, I missed her. I’d called her once a day for two weeks, alternating between morning, midday, and night, as if that’d make a difference. There’d even been a drunk dialing incident around midnight when I’d been feeling especially desperate, which counted as calling her twice on one of the days, although I wasn’t sure which one, so I figured it could be a freebie.

Not that it felt like a freebie. None of the calls did. Every single unanswered one drained more of my hope, until I wasn’t sure I had any left. I didn’t want to give up, but the past few days, I couldn’t bring myself to dial her number and have the call roll to voicemail where any messages I left would go to die.

When I’d gotten desperate enough to call Zoie and spill my guts, she reminded me she’d seen romance in my cards and told me to follow my heart. “I told you that you’d have to work for it, and you’re giving up.”

Sticky night air, only slightly cooler than it’d been during the day, hit me as I pushed out of the building where I worked. I told myself not to give in to temptation and make the move I’d made more often than I cared to admit, but my thumb didn’t obey, tapping the photos app on my phone. Under favorites were the pictures I’d snapped at the lighthouse: Gwen, way too close to the lighthouse railing, the ocean behind her; Flashing me a dimpled smile and heated look that spoke to the make out session we’d had shortly before I’d taken the picture; and the final one with her lips pressed against my cheek.

If I closed my eyes, I could almost feel her soft lips. Smell her perfume. Hear her laugh.

Almost wasn’t enough, though. I didn’t want only muted memories; I wanted the real thing.

I’d stopped by her apartment about a week after our trip, and Tori informed me that Gwen wasn’t there, and that as far as I was concerned, she’d moved to merry old England.

I’d begged for help, telling her that I’d do anything for a few minutes of Gwen’s undivided attention—I just needed to see her and to talk to her, so that at least I could say I’d given it my all. I swore there was something almost encouraging in Tori’s eyes as she’d told me she’d file a restraining order against me if I showed up again. Confusing as hell, and I didn’t know what to do with it.

I did know that if a restraining order was taken out against me during my first month of working at a law firm, I probably wouldn’t have a job anymore. That should probably deter me from considering another drop by, either her apartment or work, more than it did.

Over these last couple of days, I’d entertained the thought of just cutting my losses. Like my brother, I didn’t deserve Gwen. And if she needed to move on…

Lead filled my lungs and gut, spreading its heavy effect to my legs and making it harder to climb into my car. After debating back and forth for a few minutes while on the road, I turned down the street that’d take me to my apartment.

And away from Gwen.

I was pushing inside of my place when the loud growl of an engine caught my attention. My brother’s Camaro pulled into a parking spot, and I sighed. He and I had given each other space after the road trip from hell. Nothing emphasized how shitty and long a road trip could be like going from sharing it with the perfect woman to sharing it with your pissed-off brother.

Not that he was the only pissed-off one. It’d been dead silent, only the occasional remark about gas stations, bathroom breaks, and grabbing food.

The knock on my apartment door made me sigh again. I jerked at the knot in my tie, loosening it as I swung open the door. “Yeah?”

Evan patted my chest, nice and hard. “Nice to see you, too, bro.” He strolled on in, no waiting for an invitation. “You never came to collect for your first month’s rent. Want me to write a check?”

My laugh came out edged with bitterness. As mad as I was at him for blowing our switcheroo scheme to hell by showing up, I didn’t hold him for responsible for wrecking things with Gwen. That was all me. Didn’t mean I was happy to see him, even if this tiny part of me missed him and the relationship we used to have—the one we had when he wasn’t pulling stunts. “No thanks.”

“The asshole in me wants me to say good, because you already took enough from me, but I’m trying to repress that side a little more. Be a grownup and all that.”

I nodded, not wanting to go near that landmine. I already felt shitty enough from walking around broken, and I was done getting involved in things that’d inevitably blow up in my face.

He glanced around at the bare room. It wasn’t nearly as nice as his place, and I didn’t have much in the way of furniture yet, but after everything that’d happened, there was no way I could stay with him, and moving back home with my parents would make me feel even more pathetic than I already did.

“Look, bro…” Evan ran a hand over his jaw, then seemed to decide to just spit it out already. “I never should’ve asked you to take Gwen to that wedding for me.”

I wanted to say no, you shouldn’t have, but going back in time and undoing it would mean erasing the memories she and I had together, and everything in me revolted at that as well.

“I thought a lot about what you said—about how you always got the raw end of the deal whenever we switched places.”

“Except with Gwen,” I said. “That’s the only time I got the better end of the bargain, because I got to spend all that time with her.” My heart knotted, and I rubbed at my chest. “Even though, no, you shouldn’t have asked, and I shouldn’t have gone along with it.”

Evan’s eyebrows arched as the rest of his features slackened—I wasn’t sure which part he found so shocking. “Damn. You’ve got it bad for her.”

I clenched my jaw against the tide of misery that constantly flowed and ebbed, one that I feared might never go away. “What do you want?”

He nodded. “That’s fair, I guess. Usually I do show up when I want something. But this time, I really just came over to say I was sorry. I don’t want some girl to tear us apart.” His gaze dipped to the way I’d automatically clenched my fists, and he held up his hands. “Sorry. Not just some girl. But the sentiment’s the same.”

I worked on releasing my tight muscles and the headache throbbing to life at my temples lessened. “I don’t want things to be strained between us, either.”

“I can’t make up for all the years that I pulled you into my messes,” Evan said. “But I’m sorry that you had to clean up so many of them, and I promise that from now on, I’ll clean them up myself.” One corner of his mouth kicked up. “Except if I land in jail and or need a lawyer for something—you’re crazy if you think I’d go to dad.”

I chuckled at that.

“So we good?” he asked.

“We’re good.”

Evan clapped me on the shoulder. Then his eyes met mine. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like shit.”

“Well, since there’re so many right ways to take that, I’ll choose one of them.”

My brother laughed, but the humor faded as quickly as it came, his expression growing serious. “You know, I was so pissed that you’d try to take Gwen from me. That you’d cross that line…”

“Hey, you were the one who?—”

“I know, I know.” Evan held up two fingers. “Peace, remember? I came to declare peace. What I’m saying is, now that I see you and how miserable you clearly are without her, I realize I never cared about her the way you do.”

I clenched my jaw, working to keep a lid on those damn mushy emotions that refused to stay down. “I tried to tell myself it was messed up to even think about crossing that line with her because you two had dated, but…”

“But I forced you on that road trip, and she’s super-hot.”

“Among a lot of other things. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’ve never connected with anyone like that.”

“Yeah, you’ve definitely got it bad.”

“I’d like to say something noble, like if you’re not okay with it, I won’t pursue her. But I can’t do that.” Earlier I’d deluded myself into thinking maybe I could cut my losses, but talking about Gwen, thinking about her… It sent resolve coursing through me once again. “Not that I know how to get her to forgive me, or to even fucking talk to me, but if she ever does, nothing will hold me back.”

“Well, if you want the advice she gave me when she thought I was just some random drunk dude with the wrong number, she said to show the girl how much you care, and to be there for her.”

I thought I’d told her how much I cared, and I wanted to be there for her, but it was hard when she wouldn’t let me.

Maybe she needed more than that. Maybe she needed proof that we were supposed to be together, and I just so happened to have experience with proof and beyond reasonable doubts. In fact, getting rid of reasonable doubts was in my job description.

Gwen and I might not have months of history, but that didn’t mean shit when it came to love.

Love. The word echoed through me. I hadn’t let myself dare think the word these past two weeks, but it’d popped in there before I could stop it, and the knowledge of how much I loved her washed over me, no way I could deny it, and I found I didn’t want to.

And after I proved to her that I knew the real her—the one she didn’t let everyone see—I intended to tell her. If I could get her to believe that, hopefully I could get her to believe in the rest. To believe in us.

An idea started forming. One I really hoped wouldn’t end with her filing a restraining order against me. If anyone could appreciate going after what you wanted, surely it’d be a girl who ignored signs about pools being closed.

“I’d recognize that look anywhere,” Evan said. “You’ve got the Haynes scheming face on.”

If my scheming was less tricking and more winning over, surely that made it okay. “Go big or go home, right?”

Proving that even after all the shit that’d happened the past few weeks, when it came down to it, my brother was a good guy, he said, “What can I do to help?”