Dr. Grump’s Surprise Baby (Bossy Bachelors #2)

18. Emily

CHAPTER 18

EMILY

A s it turned out, keeping things strictly professional was easier said than done.

Emily kept to the back of the group of interns during rounds for the next week. She told herself she was doing it so that she could avoid Dominic looking at her, but after just one day, it became painfully apparent that he wasn’t looking at her, and what she was really avoiding was having to acknowledge that she was being ignored. She wondered if he would have acknowledged her if she had tried to ask a question about a patient, but she didn’t dare. It would have been too painful to discover that the answer was no.

“What’s up with you?” Sara murmured one day. “You’ve been off your game lately.”

“I don’t know,” Emily said, knowing that she couldn’t tell the truth.

“Well, let me do that if you can’t handle it.” Sara took the saline bag that Emily had been trying to hook up to an IV pole. It was the most basic task available — a volunteer off the street could have handled it with a bit of instruction — and yet, Emily had been about to mess it up. She felt herself blushing.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sara said, hooking up the bag effortlessly. “Everyone has off days. But what’s going on with you? People have been covering for you, you know.”

“They have?”

“Well, probably just me,” Sara amended. “I don’t know if any of the others would do that. They know the intern cut is coming up at the end of the week. Everyone else thinks it’s a good thing that the top intern in our group is turning into a mess at the last minute. But I don’t want to see you go out like that. You’re my friend.”

“Do you think Dr. Berger is considering cutting me?”

“I think he’s considering cutting everyone,” Sara said. “I know you’ve been his favorite, Emily, but it’s Dr. Berger. I think he would cut his own mother from his program.”

Emily felt herself tense at the mention of Dominic’s mother. She had to remind herself that Sara didn’t know the story of what had happened to Mrs. Berger. She wasn’t being cruel. “Well, maybe so,” she said.

“It doesn’t bother you? The idea of being cut?”

“I just don’t think there’s anything I can do about it now,” Emily said. “I mean, either he’s impressed with me or he isn’t. I’m not going to be able to change his mind at this stage.”

“I don’t think that’s true. You know, everyone else is spending this last week doing absolutely everything they can to try to make one last good impression.”

“To me it just seems weird that they weren’t doing that all along,” Emily said. “Do they really think that one week is going to matter when he’s been watching us for three months? It would be a better use of everyone’s time to start figuring out what their backup plan is if they’re not able to stay here.”

“Do you have a backup plan?” Sara asked her.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Emily admitted. “I think it’s the responsible thing to do at this point. We have to be prepared.”

“I know, but… if there was anyone in our group who I would have said was a sure thing to make it through, it would have been you. Well, up until this week, anyway. But to be honest, I don’t think you’re going to do yourself so much damage in the space of a single week that it’s going to matter. It’s like you said. One week just isn’t going to be enough to make a difference.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Emily said. “But I’m thinking about it anyway.”

Sara didn’t know, of course, why it was so important for Emily to have a backup plan. Sara didn’t realize that she could hardly stand to look Dominic in the eyes these days. Sara didn’t know that Emily’s struggles to keep up with her work and to live up to her usual standard didn’t have anything to do with her dedication to her job or her ability to do it well. Instead, it was all about her feelings for Dominic, which she had allowed to get the better of her.

She was beginning to think that she simply couldn’t work in this environment anymore, as much as she hated to admit it.

“Interns, over here, please,” Dominic called from over by the nurses’ station.

The interns, who had been scattered about the place, grouped up around him.

“All right,” Dominic said. “As you know, this is the last week before I make my cuts. Some of you will be continuing in your internship with me here in the ER, and others… will need to find new arrangements.”

Emily noticed the other interns looking around uneasily at each other. She could imagine that she would have felt the same way a week ago, but as it was, she could barely bring herself to care. Maybe it would be for the best if she had to find another arrangement for herself. At least then she wouldn’t have to look at him every day. She wouldn’t have to be constantly aware of the fact that he refused to look at her.

She wanted to work in the emergency room. It was what she had always dreamed of.

But then… maybe there was a better option available to her.

She had liked working under Dr. Nash. She had appreciated the things he had to teach her. And maybe it would be a good idea for her to go on working in that department. It wasn’t something she had originally considered, working in pediatrics, but now that she thought about it, those were the doctors who had been so good to her and to Ruth. Maybe it had been a mistake to consider another specialty when this was the one that had inspired her to become a doctor in the first place.

Dominic was still speaking. “If you’re considering another specialty in this hospital, come forward and put your name on this sheet sometime today,” he said, holding it up. “Your records will be submitted for consideration to the attending physician in question. If you’re thinking of leaving the hospital, it’s up to you to make your own arrangements regarding what happens next.”

“How can we choose if we’re not sure whether we’re going to make the final cut or not?” someone spoke up.

“The safest bet is to assume you aren’t going to make it and plan accordingly,” Dominic said. “Put your name down for something. If you don’t, no doctor will plan to take you on, and you might find yourself without a home in the medical field as early as next week. That’s not something you want to risk.”

He was right. Emily swallowed. She had assumed she would be fine, but her conversation with Sara had shaken her confidence. Maybe she needed to consider the possibility that Dominic didn’t want to keep her around any more than she wanted to stay. Maybe she needed to make other arrangements.

Whether it was necessary or not, she realized, it was what she wanted. She didn’t want to be here, plagued by these thoughts, for a single day longer.

She was ready to move on.

She went up to the signup sheet as soon as Dominic had walked away from it and wrote her name down, followed by the word Pediatrics .

“Really?” Sara asked, coming up behind her. “I never figured you for pediatrics.”

“I liked working under Dr. Nash,” Emily said. “I would be happy finishing out my internship there, if I don’t make the cut to stay in the ER.”

“Well, I guess it doesn’t make much difference in your case,” Sara said.

“Doesn’t it? You were just speculating that I might be turned away from the ER.”

“Oh, you know I’m just getting my own anxieties out. The truth is that nobody thinks it’s going to happen to you. If there’s anyone in this group who’s safe, it’s you.”

“It’s Cassidy Cook.”

“All right, true. Nepotism wins every time. But after her, you’re the one I’ve got my money on,” Sara said. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Emily. You’re going to make it. Trust me.”

She grinned warmly, but Emily felt cold and sad.

Pediatrics would be good — but she had wanted to survive Dr. Berger’s infamously rigorous internship. And even though she probably wasn’t going to fail out, the idea that she was realizing she couldn’t hack it was difficult to accept.

It was her own fault. She had slept with her boss. Worse than that, she’d let her guard down and allowed herself to feel things for him that she hadn’t felt for any man in a very long time, and now she was stuck with the aftermath of those feelings for a man who would never return them.

In other words, she wasn’t going to make it through the program — not because she didn’t have the knowledge or the skills, but because she couldn’t handle it emotionally.

It wasn’t a reassuring realization. In many ways, it made things worse. She was going to wash out of the program for the most embarrassing reason possible. She was going to let herself down when she could have succeeded. It was just plain depressing to realize that.

It’s not all bad. I’m going to go on to a good career in another specialty. It’s not like I’m going to be leaving medicine behind altogether. And besides, I like Dr. Nash. It will be good to work for him.

She knew she needed to make her intentions known. It wasn’t likely that Dominic would cut her from the program. He took his morals too seriously, so he wasn’t likely to cut someone he knew was good. To make sure that she got the transfer she wanted, she was going to have to let the doctors in question know that she really wanted it.

She caught up with Dominic outside one of the patient rooms. He was studying a chart, and he didn’t look up at her as she approached. That was nothing new these days.

“Dr. Berger,” she said quietly. “Can I have a moment of your time?”

“I need to get in to see this patient,” he said.

“This won’t take very long. It’s a professional matter.”

That swayed him, as she’d known it would. “What is it?”

“I put my name down for a transfer to pediatrics.”

He looked up at her. “You don’t need to worry about it,” he said. “I know things have been uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t eliminate someone from the program for personal reasons.”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Emily said. “But I can self-eliminate for those reasons.”

He blinked at her. “Are you saying you want to be transferred?”

“I do, yes.”

“Why?”

“Well, I…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say. She didn’t want to tell him the whole truth — that she hadn’t been able to get past her feelings for him. She would have been too embarrassed to confess that to him. “I don’t think emergency medicine is the right choice for me,” she said after a moment.

And they both saw right through that. She was sure of it. There was no way he believed that was the real reason after watching her go through this internship for the past three months. He knew she had been thriving here, and he knew how much she had been enjoying the work.

He also knew just as well as she did what had happened to make things change.

For a moment, Emily thought he might try to persuade her to stay, and she wondered what she would say if he did. Was there anything he could do at this point to talk her into it?

In the end, it didn’t matter. He turned away from her. “I’ll let Dr. Nash know that I’ve given my permission for the transfer,” he said. “Beginning next week, you’ll report to him instead of to me.”

“I wonder if I could make the switch earlier?” she asked. “It’s just that I’m anxious to get started over there.”

“You want to go start in pediatrics tomorrow?” He waved a hand at her dismissively. “That’s fine by me. Do what you want. I’ll make sure the paperwork is handled tonight.”

She hesitated for a moment. The occasion seemed to call for some sort of comment. She ought to say something, but she couldn’t think what.

“Thank you,” she said at last, and hoped he understood that she wasn’t just thanking him for taking care of her paperwork. She meant to thank him for everything that had taken place between the two of them from the day they had met until now.

But he didn’t respond to her thanks. He turned and walked into the patient’s room, leaving her standing in the hall and staring after him wordlessly.