Echoes

Six Weeks Later

“Y ou were great,” Felicity said as she approached the podium after the lecture.

“Yeah? Not bad?”

“No, it was great. Really,” she added.

“I wasn’t sure you’d show. It’s a drive for you.”

“Three hours.” Felicity shrugged. “And I just got a hotel room for the night so that I wouldn’t have to drive back.”

“Yeah? Want to grab a drink, then?”

Felicity looked concerned then and replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Well, your wife hates me, and I’m trying to stay on just her bad side and not the evil side. She’s kind of scary sometimes.”

Rosie nodded and said, “It’s okay. She won’t mind.”

“No? She basically stared me out of your kitchen last time.”

“It was just a weird night for her. Long story, but if you want, I have that scotch in my office.”

“ That scotch? From, like, five years ago?”

“I haven’t opened it.”

“You said you wanted to save it for a special occasion.”

“This is a special occasion. You’re in town.”

Felicity smiled at her and tilted her head a bit. Rosie remembered that head tilt from their time working together years ago. Felicity used to tilt her head whenever she was confused or wondering about something. For a second, Rosie wondered what Felicity was wondering about now, but then she realized that she probably already knew.

“Yeah, okay. One drink, though. I’m driving tomorrow, and I’m guessing that stuff is strong.”

Rosie grabbed her stuff, said goodbye to a few students who had approached to thank her for the lecture, and then they walked up the middle aisle of the auditorium and out the doors. Through the lobby and down the main stairs, they landed on the sidewalk and walked around the main quad on campus, where Rosie had her office.

“It’s nice. Bigger than I thought it would be,” Felicity noted when they walked inside.

“They were trying to woo me,” she explained and closed the door behind Felicity. “Oh… One second. I forgot–”

Rosie hadn’t planned on inviting Felicity to her office that night. In fact, she hadn’t planned on seeing her at all. Felicity had messaged a few days earlier that she was going to try to make it but wasn’t sure if she could. If she couldn’t, she’d attend another lecture in the seminar. As a result, Rosie hadn’t spent any time cleaning her office, and it needed to be cleaned because the sofa had a blanket and pillow on it, and there were two bags in the corner of the large room, not to mention the toiletries in the attached bathroom.

“Yeah, it’s not bad. This used to be the dean of the department’s office. When he left, they just combined two departments instead of replacing him, so this office would have been up for grabs, but they wanted me here a lot, so they offered it to me instead.” Rosie bunched up the blanket. “And I didn’t have office hours today, so I haven’t–”

“Rosie, what’s going on?” Felicity asked her as Rosie tossed the blanket and the pillow onto one of the two guest chairs in front of her massive wooden desk.

“I take naps,” she lied. “Before the seminars, I take naps.”

“And you need your suitcases for that, too?” Felicity pointed to the two roller bags in the corner.

“No, I–” Rosie paused for a second. “I’m going away for the weekend.”

“With two-roller-bags worth of stuff and some weird metal case thing? Didn’t I see that under your bunk on the ship?” Felicity moved into the office more and walked over to the metal case.

“Ami is at the house,” she said, deciding to be honest. “And I should’ve gotten a hotel, but this office comes with a bathroom, and there’s actually a shower in there that’s bigger than the ones we have on ships, so I’ve delayed the hotel.” She moved to the small cabinet off to the side of the desk and bent down to open it.

“Why are you staying here?” Felicity turned to her.

“Got the scotch,” she said, holding up the bottle.

“Rosie?”

Rosie sighed and stood. She set the scotch on top of the cabinet and moved to sit on the sofa, leaving the bottle there. Felicity sat down next to her and turned to face her as if she expected this to be an important conversation.

“We’re having some problems.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Felicity said.

“How could you? It’s not like I told you when you texted me asking about the seminar.”

“How bad?”

“Not good,” she answered.

“The travel?” Felicity asked. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me.” She shook her head.

“That’s part of it, yes. It’s a big part.”

“I sort of left not long after you two got back together, but I’m not sure what happened, Rosie. You were pretty clear about not wanting this life. Now, I find you here. And don’t get me wrong, this is a very nice office, but you never wanted to just teach. Did something change?”

Rosie wasn’t sure how to tell this woman that she’d gotten a glimpse of some alternative present or timeline. She wasn’t quite sure what it was, exactly, but it had shaken her to her core, and she’d not asked Felicity about her feelings because of it. Then, she’d let Ami back in because Ami had seemed safe, comfortable. For a while there, Rosie had thought that she’d fallen back in love with her, but now, she was no longer sure that she’d ever really had. She’d let the fear drive her toward the familiar instead of pursuing something with the woman she’d first met as more of a girl than a woman and had worked with for four years. It had been easier to accept Ami’s love than it had been to examine her own possible feelings for Felicity, which might have been there all along.

“I guess I did, but not really,” Rosie began.

“I don’t understand.”

“When we got back together, Ami had changed. She said she’d been working on herself, and I could see it. She had some baggage from an unhealthy relationship when we got together the first time, and she’d been working through that. We got along again. She was cool with me going away for work. We compromised in the beginning, after we got back together, and that didn’t bother me because it seemed like she was willing to meet me halfway. Then, I started to notice some of the old Ami reemerge, and, I don’t know, I was already so far in, that it just seemed easier to give her what she wanted. I mean, we’d already dated for years at that point, even though we broke up in the middle there. Then, she was proposing, and I thought that was what I wanted. I thought we were good. But it was like, as soon as we were living together again and there was a ring on my finger, she wanted me to stay home more. She wanted to start talking about having kids that I never wanted, which she’d known since we dated the first time. She kept asking me to give up more and more, and I did. I don’t think I realized at first that it was just me giving things up, though. She asked me to stop traveling as much and limit the number of trips I could take in a year, and I found this teaching position. She was happy.”

“But you weren’t,” Felicity said softly. “You aren’t, are you?”

Rosie shook her head and said, “That night, after you left, she left, too. She stayed at her sister’s house for a few days. Then, she came home, and we talked. She wanted to go to a counselor, and I’d suggested that myself before, too, but I just realized that no counselor could fix two people wanting different things. So, I told her that she could stay there, and I’d get a hotel.”

“It’s your house. It was your house before she moved in.”

“I know. She works from home, though, so her whole office setup is there, and I’m here most of the time, anyway. I just never bothered getting a hotel. Besides, I was never much of a cook, so I don’t need a kitchen. I’ve got a small fridge in here, and I get food on campus or order something.”

“Rosie, you’re living in your office. How long have you been here?”

“About a month, I guess. I normally hide it better, but like I said, I had no office hours, and I wasn’t planning on inviting you in here.”

Felicity nodded and asked, “What’s next, then?”

“Well, it is my house. We’ve only been married for a couple of years, and we thought we’d buy a bigger place–”

“For those kids you don’t want, but she does?”

“Something like that, yeah,” she answered with a little laugh. “But we never got around to it, and I didn’t bother putting her name on this one because we were planning on leaving, anyway.”

“Leaving?” Felicity asked.

“Well, before I took this position, I could’ve made my home base anywhere, and she already works from home, so we talked about moving somewhere else. She wanted a city. I said as long as it’s close to the water, I’m fine with that.”

“Seems like you’ve been making a lot of sacrifices, and Ami hasn’t been, which makes me hate her even more.”

“I let her, though.” Rosie shrugged a shoulder. “So, it’s my fault, too.”

“Why did you? When I left, you weren’t…”

“It’s okay. You can say it.”

“Like this .” Felicity motioned toward her with an open palm. “She broke up with you in the first place because you two wanted different things. Then, she tells you that she’s suddenly fine with everything, you get back together, and now, you’re not happy because you let her get away with it. What happened to you, Rosie?”

“Some people aren’t all that brave when it comes down to it, I guess,” she replied.

“What does bravery have to do with anything?”

“She was comfortable,” Rosie replied honestly. “We’d already been together. I also believe that people can change. And when she told me she had, I allowed myself to believe it. Now, I’m here, sitting on the sofa that is also my bed.”

“You want comfortable?” Felicity asked.

“I thought I did,” she replied. “I don’t really want to get into it, but something sort of happened, and it kind of rocked me, but instead of doing one thing, I did another. Now, I’m married and on the verge of a divorce after only two years.”

“Divorce?”

“Yes. Why do you think I’m sleeping on my sofa, Felicity?”

“I guess I just assumed you’d work it out.”

“There’s not much to work out once you finally wake up and realize that the life you have is not the one you want. Ami is meant for someone else. I think it just took me this long to figure that out. I’ve been giving her this time to find another place to live. She’ll move out soon enough, and I’ll go back to the house. I’m searching for a lawyer now. So is she.”

“Wow. I’m sorry.”

“Me too. But I’m also not. I think it’s for the best. She needs something that I can’t give her.”

“Someone to be glued to her side all the time?”

Rosie chuckled a little and said, “That works for some people, but not– Well, not for people like you and me.”

“Don’t get me wrong; I want a wife one day. But, yeah, she’d need to understand that my career is important. We’d need to want the same things.”

“Now that you’re able to be on the ships?”

“I was thinking one to two trips a year. Maybe more if there’s something I really want to be involved in. There’s a lot going on right now off the coast where I moved – I’ve been working on a U-boat site for the past few weeks, and I’m really enjoying that, so I’m getting my fill without having to be gone a ton – but, yeah, I’ll still go. And it’s not like our work trips are Monday through Friday – it’s usually at least a month – so I get that it can take its toll on the person back at home.”

“Is that why you haven’t dated much?” Rosie asked.

Felicity shook her head and replied, “Not really, no. I told you that I tried, and I did, but I was also working at the museum and home all the time when I dated those women. It just didn’t work out.”

Rosie nodded and asked, “Do you still want that scotch?”

“No, that was a gift for you when you found the Titan wreck. Save it for a real special occasion. It’s, like, a million dollars a bottle or something.” Felicity laughed, and Rosie smiled at her in response. “Can I maybe use the bathroom, though? I meant to go before the lecture, but I was a little late, so I didn’t, and it was a long drive.”

“Of course.” She motioned to the closed door behind them.

When Felicity stood up and walked toward the bathroom, Rosie swallowed hard. She knew now. Ami had been right. It had always been there for Rosie, and she’d never known it for sure before this moment. She’d been in love with Felicity back then. The other Rosie had known it. Why hadn’t she ? Now, she sat on her sofa, planning to call the divorce attorney she’d looked up tomorrow, and sleeping on her sofa because she’d married the wrong woman.

Rosie stood up and moved to the case. She’d resisted using the device so many times, but being here with Felicity, feeling her own heart race just from being in her proximity and hearing her talk about what she wanted out of her life, knowing that it aligned so clearly with what she herself had always wanted, made her want to try again.

She opened the lock, pulled out the device, and stared at it as she heard the toilet flush. She knew she should probably wait for Felicity to be gone to use it, but she still didn’t know or understand how this thing actually worked. Maybe the other person, who you needed to know something about, needed to be there for it to function properly. Maybe back then, she’d somehow asked it a question, like a Magic 8 Ball, and hadn’t even realized it. She wanted to kiss Felicity. She knew that much. Not yet divorced and only separated, but not legally, Rosie knew that it wasn’t right, but it was what she wanted. She wanted to kiss Felicity and let Felicity take her back to her hotel room. She wanted to make love to this woman whom she’d loved before and had been too scared to admit it. She wanted the life she should have had, not this one that she’d ended up with.

“Is it her?” she whispered as she looked down at the device .

She heard the water turn on in the sink and pressed the button. Three seconds of black followed. Then, she turned and saw herself sitting on the sofa. She turned again when the bathroom door opened, and Felicity came out.

“Sorry to interrupt us. I just really had to go,” Felicity said as she sat back down.

“It’s okay. Do you want some water or something? I think I have a soda in there somewhere. I don’t–”

“Really drink them,” Felicity finished for her. “I know. You prefer tea to coffee, but you’ll drink coffee if it’s all there is. You also like to take long walks to get out of your head a little, but don’t ever ask you to go for a run because you do not like running.” Felicity laughed a little. “And never touch your first editions without asking first, and preferably, only while using gloves. I made that mistake once. Never again.” She smiled at the other Rosie.

“They’re old books. I don’t want them to get damaged. And I hate running.”

“I know. I mean, I remember,” Felicity corrected herself. “And I should probably get going. It’s not exactly late, but I am tired. I worked all day and then drove here. I’ve got to hit the road early tomorrow, too.”

“How early, exactly?”

“About five. I need to be in the office by eight-thirty for a meeting.”

“Felicity, why did you do this to yourself? You didn’t have to come to this stupid lecture.”

“I wanted to.” She paused. “I wanted to see you. I–”

The other Rosie stared at her while Rosie looked on, wondering what Felicity would say next.

“I missed you,” she finally got out. “But I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

Three… Two… One… The blackness appeared and disappeared, and she was holding the device. There was no other Rosie, and Felicity was still in the bathroom.

“No… I didn’t get what I needed. What do I do?” she asked the stupid thing she was holding. “Fuck,” she added and put it back in the case.

The doorknob turned, and she locked the case just in time for Felicity to emerge from the bathroom.

“Oh. What are you doing? ”

“Putting something away,” she said and walked back over to the sofa.

The device hadn’t told her anything she needed to know. Rosie wanted to try again, to ask it another question or just press the button and see what happened, but Felicity sat back down, and Rosie joined her, trying to figure out what to do on her own as her heart raced.

“Sorry to interrupt us. I just really had to go,” Felicity said.

Rosie’s eyes went wide. It was happening.

“Um… Yeah, it’s okay. Want some water? I have a soda in the fridge, if you want that.”

“But you don’t really drink them,” Felicity replied, and it was nearly identical to how she’d said it before. “I know. You prefer tea to coffee, but you’ll drink coffee if it’s all there is. You also like to take long walks to get out of your head a little, but don’t ever ask you to go for a run because you do not like running.” She laughed. “And never touch your first editions without asking first, and preferably, only while using gloves. I made that mistake once. Never again.” She smiled at Rosie just how she’d done in the vision.

“They’re old books. I don’t want them to get damaged. And I hate running,” she said, repeating the words the other Rosie had said but in a more direct tone.

“I know. I mean, I remember. I should probably get going. It’s not exactly late, but I am tired. I worked all day and then drove here. I’ve got to hit the road early tomorrow, too.”

“How early?”

“Five. I need to be in the office by eight-thirty for a meeting.”

“Felicity, why did you do this to yourself? You didn’t have to come to this stupid lecture.”

“I wanted to.” The woman paused. “I wanted to see you. I–”

Here it was… Rosie had followed the script, and it had gotten them here again; or, maybe, for the first time.

“I missed you,” Felicity revealed. “But I shouldn’t.”

“It’s okay to miss someone,” she replied, realizing only after the words had been out of her mouth that she’d deviated from the script.

“I should go,” Felicity said and stood.

“I missed you, too,” Rosie said quickly and stood up as well.

“Okay,” Felicity replied simply but looked confused.

“No, I… I mean, I missed you, Felicity. I missed you how you missed me.” Rosie stood there in front of her and decided that she di dn’t need that stupid device to tell her how she felt or to give her a damn script.

“You can’t. You don’t–”

Rosie just took a step closer to her.

“Don’t, Rosie,” Felicity said.

“Don’t what?”

“You’re hurting right now or something. You’re struggling with Ami, and–”

“This has nothing to do with Ami,” Rosie interjected. “This has to do with you and me.”

“There is no you and me, Rosie. There never was.”

“But could there be?” she asked, taking Felicity’s hand. “I know I need to get through this stuff with Ami first. I’m not asking for anything today. But, Felicity, I have missed you. I hated that you left. I understood it, but I also hated that you weren’t there anymore. I missed you, and I thought about you every single day. I wondered how you were doing in Portugal; if you’d… met someone; if–”

“Where was this four years ago, when you were getting back together with Ami?”

“I was scared.”

“Me too,” Felicity acknowledged. “I assume Ami told you that I was in love with you? My guess is that night when I was drinking wine in your kitchen.”

“Yes. But I think I knew it somehow without knowing it, too. Kind of like I knew how I felt about you but didn’t at the same time.”

“I was scared that if I told you, it would change things between us. So, I didn’t tell you, and it still did,” Felicity said as she squeezed the hand Rosie was holding. “But–”

“No, don’t do that. No ‘but.’”

“But you’re working through this stuff with Ami, and I can’t be the other woman, Rosie.”

“I’m not asking you to be. Can you just give me a little time?”

“You’re asking me to wait for you?”

“No, I… don’t know what I’m asking. I don’t want you to wait for me. If you find someone else, you…” Rosie closed her eyes. “Find them, I guess. I think I’m just telling you that Ami and I are done, and I’ll work this stuff out here. When I do, I’m going to call you, and I hope you’ll answer the phone.”

“Oh,” Felicity said. “What will you say when you call?”

“You’ll only find out if you answer,” she replied.