Edges

Chapter Four

It was noon the next day when Mick stepped into Shanti’s crowded shop, a line stretching out at the cash register. Looked like the place did a damn good business.

Moving past the line of customers, he stepped up beside the checkout counter, recognizing the young blond girl behind the register. She glanced at him as she rang up a customer, and her expression seemed to darken a bit.

“Hey,” he said. “Is Shanti around?”

“He’s in his office over at the house,” she said. “But I’m busy, so I can’t call him for you.”

Then she turned her back as she bagged up some items, so he determined she was finished with him. Damn, tough crowd , he thought as he shuffled out of the shop.

Heading toward the adjoining house outside, he tried to figure out where the door was. Finally, he moved around back and saw a small porch. Stepping up onto it, he could see Shanti through a window. He was in an office beyond the foyer, hunched over a desk. Mick’s heart fluttered. Shanti was dressed in a loose beige sweater, with a pair of reading glasses on his nose. He looked sexy as hell, even as he scowled down at a paper he held like it had offended him somehow. His dark blond hair, a bit too long over his ears, looked slightly unkempt as he ran his fingers through it. Mick wanted to touch it again, an odd compulsion he’d had since the moment he broke through the trees and found him on the ground, gasping for air. He’d never felt the desire to take care of someone before, especially someone outside his family. The way Shanti’s fragility affected him was unsettling.

Shanti looked up when Mick rapped on the glass. He scowled, his expression registering confusion, then recognition, then surprise as he stood. After one brief, mistrusting pause, Shanti finally took his glasses off, set them down on the desk, and walked to the door.

Mick was suddenly regretting this decision, and his heart thudded with anxiety. He shouldn’t have come here, and had no idea what he wanted to say. Don’t be a chicken shit. He’s just a guy.

Shanti opened the door, looked Mick up and down, and smiled. Mick smiled in return, and they both bubbled in unexpected laughter. Relief washed through him as Shanti waved him inside. “What are you doing here?”

Mick followed Shanti into his office, taking the chair across from the small desk. Shanti sat as well, crossing his arms over his chest, that shy smirk still curving his lips.

“I have no idea what happened yesterday,” Mick said, wincing.

“Neither do I,” Shanti said. “But I think I called you some choice names.”

“Yeah,” Mick said. “ Fucking tool comes to mind.”

Shanti shrugged, fiddling with his glasses on the desk. “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Mick said. “I was a tool, I deserved it. Can we start over? I want to buy you a beer.”

Shanti raised his eyebrows. “A beer? I don’t know. Sounds a little too much like a date .”

Mick smiled. “You’re not gonna make this easy for me, are you?”

Drumming his knuckles on the desk, Shanti cocked his head to the side as he met Mick’s eyes. “Tell you what. I’ll go for a beer with you if you agree to have a reasonably honest conversation with me. I just really hate that guarded bullshit, and I don’t like games.”

“I don’t play games,” Mick said, affronted. “I’m always honest.” He didn’t play games, did he? He wasn’t the most sensitive guy in the world, but at least he always told it like it was.

Shanti laughed. “Okay, then, if you’re always honest, answer me this. When you asked me yesterday if I wanted to fuck and suck you off and all that eloquent stuff, were you really up for that? Because the way it seemed to me, you were trying to shock me and turn me off. So I wouldn’t try to see you again, because you knew I wanted to.”

Mick frowned. “That makes me sound like a child.”

Shanti raised his eyebrows. “Well?”

Mick thought about it. There might have been some truth to the accusation. Shanti had made him feel strange. That much was obvious, he was here now, wasn’t he? Doing something he’d never done before...trying to get a date. His face heated. He wasn’t used to thinking this much about someone he wanted to bone, and all this talking about it, analyzing it, was making it worse.

But again, he was here and was the one making the next move, so he partially conceded. “Okay, it’s possible I did that, but if so, it wasn’t a conscious decision. I was just a bit off balance at the time. But you’re not the only one who picked up a vibe, so tell me this,” Mick said. “Can I expect a reasonably honest conversation in return? You seem a little guarded yourself.”

Shanti’s expression went somber, and he looked down. The way his smiling face instantly crumbled, like someone flicked a switch, Mick wanted to kick himself, recalling the other man’s confession about losing his parents. He quickly added, “If there’s anything you don’t want to talk about, I respect that. I just want to get to know you.”

Looking up at him again, Shanti’s pale brown eyes widened in surprised. “Yeah. Sure. I want to get to know you, too. How about you meet me next door at The Bear Claw in ten minutes? Just have to finish something up here.”

Mick stood. “See you there.”

Shanti walked him to the door, and Mick paused before stepping outside, looking into the other man’s eyes, seeing desire in them. He knew Shanti wanted him, and he knew it yesterday too. But men always wanted Mick. It just never had this effect on him. His gaze drifted to Shanti’s beautifully curved lips. Crap , he thought. I have to sit through a date before I can kiss him again, right? Prove I can sit through a date before sex? Still, he was tempted to forgo the beer and just grab Shanti, drag him off into the house and find a bedroom.

But he was trying to offer more to this man who’d gotten into his head. Sure, offering to buy him a beer wasn’t exactly the height of seduction, but this was all new to Mick, and for him it was a major concession. He settled for reaching out and tucking a lock of hair behind Shanti’s ear. “See you in ten,” he said as his cock swelled in his jeans. He left before he completely lost control.

****

When he stepped through the door of The Bear Claw, Shanti immediately spotted Mick at the bar. He stood out, with his wide shoulders and head of shiny, sun-kissed brown hair. He was thrilled Mick had come by, as he hadn’t expected to ever see him again. But he was also apprehensive. For all his indignant talk about Mick’s issues with dating, he wasn’t all that sure he was ready himself. It had been eleven months since he split with Kevin, eleven months since he buried his parents, and he was still a fucking mess. So why was he here?

Then Mick spotted him and waved, an incredible, dimpled smile lighting his face, and Shanti almost swooned. He was here because of that smile, the way his cock stiffened just at the sight of this man. And like the icy hill at the top of the mountain yesterday, he was about to plummet head first, come what may.

“Hey,” Mick said as Shanti took the barstool beside him. “I was hoping you’d wear the glasses, you look sexy in them.”

Shanti chuckled. “They’re only for reading.”

“You can read the menu,” Mick said, handing it to him. “Hungry?”

They ordered a veggie burger for Shanti, a bacon burger for Mick, and two draft beers. “You a vegetarian?” Mick inquired.

“Sort of,” Shanti said. “I cheat once in a while.”

“Good,” he said. “I was afraid you’d start calling me a murderer while I ate.”

Shanti sipped his beer. He couldn’t take his eyes off Mick. He was so damn gorgeous, it was hard to breathe. “Since I moved to Vermont, I’ve gotten used to being around a lot of meat.”

Mick raised his eyebrows.

Shanti laughed. “Okay, that came out wrong. I mean a lot of my friends are into the hunting and fishing thing, I’m used to it.”

Mick traced a finger over Shanti’s knee, and the simple contact sent a jolt up through his gut. “That brings up a good question, though,” Mick said. “Why don’t you have a... a...you know. Why isn’t there someone in your life?”

“A you know ?” Shanti grinned. “You can’t even say it?”

“I can say it!” Mick scowled. “Boyfriend, okay? Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“I did.” Shanti shrugged. “Back in Boston. Then my folks died, and everything fell apart.” He smirked without humor. “Guess he didn’t want to come up here and sell herbs and crystals with me, what with all the martini bars and bridal shows to go to down there in the city.”

“Ah,” Mick laughed. “Sorry I said all that shit to you yesterday.”

“Don’t apologize, just explain.”

Mick looked at him thoughtfully. “Explain what?”

“Explain why you don’t date. I mean, did something happen? Someone break your heart?”

“No!” Mick scoffed. “I’ve never even had a...I mean, I never, look. I pick up guys. I sleep with them. I’ve just never felt compelled to woo someone.”

Shanti’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding. Are you telling me you’ve never been on a date? Like ever?”

Mick looked down at his beer, then shrugged. He met Shanti’s eyes. “I haven’t. But I don’t think that’s so weird, I mean what’s the big deal?”

Shaking his head, Shanti searched his mind for an answer. Was it a big deal? “I guess I just can’t imagine living that lifestyle.”

A deep laugh bellowed out of Mick, and he threw his head back. “Oh, I see. You’ve had boyfriends, and that’s a life. But what I do, that’s a lifestyle . You make it sound so seedy.”

“Well, isn’t it sort of seedy?”

“No!” Mick took a swill of beer, then scowled. “Why does it have to be? I’m not some closeted senator picking up teenage hookers in a back alley. I’m having consensual sex with willing adults. We both get something out of it. What’s wrong with that? Haven’t you ever had a one night stand? Never picked a stranger up in a bar?”

“Actually...” Shanti laughed. “I’ve had one-nighters, back in college, but even those were with people I already knew. So no, I’ve never picked a stranger up in a bar. Or anywhere, really. I’ve had two boyfriends, met both of them through mutual friends. And now I’m single. So I’ve been celibate for almost a year.”

“Don’t you ever just get that need, to touch someone? To be touched just for the sake of touching? I mean, don’t you get horny?”

“Of course I get horny, that’s what masturbation is for. But I just can’t imagine going out and cruising some meat market. It’s not the way I’m wired. I go to coffee bars. I worked for an insurance company before I moved up here. I had a fucking book club. I’m not adventurous, Mick, and I can’t help that. If it means I stay lonely for a long time, then so be it.”

Mick shook his head. They were interrupted by the bartender placing their burgers down in front of them. Once he’d gone, Mick shifted to face Shanti, placing a hand on his thigh. “Masturbation is fine. But there’s a certain psychological element missing, isn’t there?”

Shanti shrugged and popped a fry in his mouth. “I guess.”

“You don’t guess, you know ,” Mick said. “You may think I’m shallow because I pick up guys for sex. But at least I acknowledge that I need that human connection, even if it’s fleeting. That human touch. Even if it only lasts one night.”

Shanti’s body heated as Mick made little circles on his thigh with his thumb. “So is that what you want from me?” he asked. “One night? A fleeting connection?”

Mick stared into his eyes, and Shanti found it hard to breathe, remembering the kiss they shared yesterday. Part of him wanted to just take him home now, let Mick have his way with him, and take whatever pain and regret came later. Maybe Mick had the right idea. Maybe a hot night of sex was enough.

But even as he had these thoughts, that other feeling overpowered him—the need to possess, to lock it down, to make Mick his. He wasn’t built for casual sex, but he sure as hell wanted a physical connection with this guy. Every cell in his body screamed for it, and his body didn’t care about his preconceived notions about monogamy or one night stands.

“We’re being honest, right?” Mick said.

Nodding, Shanti said, “That was my rule.” He laughed. “But now I’m kind of afraid to hear what you’re about to say.”

Mick smiled at him. “Honestly, I don’t know what I want from you. But honestly , I feel something different about you. I don’t know what it means. But I do know that lately, the status quo isn’t doing it for me anymore. I’ve been feeling the need to change things in my life. Just not sure what that change is going to be yet.”

“I hope this isn’t all part of your pick-up speech,” Shanti said. “Because if you just want to sleep with me, you don’t have to pretend it’s something else.”

Mick removed his hand and turned away, and Shanti felt a chill come over him. “Whatever.”

“What?” Shanti said.

Mick spun around to face him again. “You’re a prejudiced little prick. You’re so convinced that I have no feelings because of my lifestyle , you’ve already decided you know who I am.”

“No, no that’s not it! I’m not judging the way you live. I just...heard something, that’s all.”

Mick’s expression darkened. “Heard something. About me?”

Shanti nodded, wincing.

“Jesus.” Mick turned and rested his elbows on the bar. “That didn’t fucking take long. Who said it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Shanti said. “Someone just told me you’re a player. That you never call people back, that you hurt people. I mean, it’s true, isn’t it? By your own admission? Isn’t that what all this honesty is about?”

Mick looked at him. “Yes. But I don’t hurt people on purpose. If someone goes home with me, someone who just met me, shouldn’t they know what they’re getting?”

Staring down at his burger, Shanti sighed. “I suppose.”

They were silent for a time, eating their lunch. Shanti’s mood began to sink. This was all going to shit again, and he wasn’t sure why. Then finally, Mick turned to him.

“So, Shanti, you presume to know things about me. But you still haven’t told me a damn thing about you.” Shanti looked up at him, and Mick’s eyes lost their hardness. “Since you brought up the idea of people getting hurt, will you answer something for me? Something personal?”

Shanti’s gut tightened. Don’t ask about my parents. Don’t ask about my parents.

“Sure.”

Surprising him, Mick took Shanti’s hands and held them. “Yesterday, when you were at the top of that slope, you had a look on your face. Like you were trying to decide whether to throw yourself off a building. Then you seemed...well, really weird in the car, really down. You looked so depressed.”

Swallowing hard, Shanti pulled his hands back. “You’re more perceptive than you look. For a player,” he added, trying to make a joke of it. But Mick’s face was still soft and serious.

“So tell me. Exactly how sad are you, Shanti?”

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Shanti shook his head. “Wow. You want to know the messy parts.”

“I told you about my messy life,” Mick said. “I’d like to hear about yours. Look, I just want to know where you’re at. Contrary to what some people in this town think, I do not enjoy hurting guys. Especially ones I like. I know you lost your parents. I don’t know the details and I won’t ask. So just tell me this. How bad is it with you?”

Everything inside of him wanted to close off, to clam up, to just climb off the barstool, thank Mick for the beer, and leave. Because admitting aloud what plagued his heart would make it real, and denial was the only thing keeping him together.

His parents bought the shop while he was still in college. He’d hated it when they moved to Vermont, thought they were crazy to want to leave the city. And he hated that they named their shop after him. All of his friends thought his parents were the coolest of the cool, with their chilled-out vibe and odd quirks. But Shanti, like any child, rebelled against them, and everything they were. They tried to get him involved in the shop, insisting it would be his legacy one day, a future nest egg for when they were dead and gone.

But he hadn’t thought that day would come so soon.

Like a snotty know-it-all with a chip on his shoulder, he scoffed at their little hippie store in their quaint little ski town, and barely ever went up to visit. He was an urban guy, slick and sophisticated, and wanted nothing to do with their rustic pursuits. When he got the call about the car crash last winter, he’d not been up to see them in almost two years. Two fucking years!

The guilt of that, and of the disdainful way he’d treated them, gnawed at his insides and still left him sleepless most nights.

He hadn’t admitted these feelings even to his closest friends, hadn’t even told Kevin how he felt, so why would he expose himself to this man sitting next to him, this man he’d just met?

But Mick’s green eyes were still on him, the alcohol coursing through his own blood numbing his senses, and suddenly, he wanted to say it. He wanted to get it out.

“My sadness is compounded by guilt. I hadn’t bothered to visit, hadn’t seen my parents in two years. And I wasn’t a very good son to them during that time. And then they died in a car crash during a snow storm last year. When I think about how I treated them, I want to die too. I’m not wallowing, and I’m not clinging to it. It just is. All I can feel these days is pain.”

Just as the tears welled in his eyes, and Shanti feared he was about to lose it, Mick snatched his hands and squeezed, so tightly it made him wince. “Come home with me.”

Shanti blinked back the tears, frowning. “Now?”

“Now.”

“Why?”

He grabbed Shanti’s bar stool and tugged him closer, then leaned in and pressed his lips against his ear. “So I can make you feel something else.”