Edging Obsession

23

M y dead wife is the last thing Miles says before gulping down a couple more drinks, changing into workout gear, and slamming the door on his way out. I’m frustrated. Anxious. Through my mood swings, Miles is there for me, so I want to be a shoulder for him to cry on. Well, maybe to lean on. I’ve never seen the man cry. He guards his heart and life closely. His is what a tearless existence looks like. I’m baffled by his indifferent public persona. When we’re together, Miles gives me his all. He’s attentive, caring, funny, and affectionate. How does one separate different sides to them? Become closed off one minute and open up in the next. I wear my feelings on my sleeve.

Two hours pass since Miles left the house. There’s no way I’m going to sleep, so I dress warm for a walk around the grounds. Old decorative lanterns light the pathway from his home to the roundabout. Men roam the area, not paying much attention to me. It’s eerily quiet at this time of night. I don’t want to see my parents because they’ll most likely start carrying on again about Miles. The gym Miles pointed out yesterday is lit up. I check the handle, which opens into a small foyer. Umkleide is on a couple of doors. I search the word on Google translate and it means changing rooms. To avoid surprising someone, I decide not to go in there.

The double doors in front of me open onto the gym, loaded with workout equipment and a boxing ring in one corner. On the opposite side of the room, Miles hits a hanging punching bag with his hands and feet. Even from here, I can see blood on his hands.

I’m about to go to him, but Johann appears out of nowhere, standing by my side. “This is how he deals with grief.”

Slowly releasing a breath, I ask, “Did you hear about what happened?”

“Ja.”

I rub my arms to fend off my uneasiness regarding Miles and tonight’s disturbance. “What did the man want? They were speaking German, but we know it must have been serious.”

Johann turns to me. “How do you know?”

My eyes fall on Miles. “Because I’ve never seen anything, or anyone ruffle Miles. He’s always…collected. Composed.”

He sighs and joins me watching Miles bloody his hands. “Karina was Matthias’ wife. This man Uwe claims to have been her lover, along with being the father of her unborn child.”

I gasp. “What?”

He folds his arms. “To begin, they didn’t have a great relationship. My little brother has hardened over the years. Karina was…I can’t think of the word. Someone who wanted his attention all the time. She craved money and for everyone to look at her.”

“Narcissist? Attention seeker?”

“Yes. Attention seeker. And narcissist.”

This forces me to swallow. “Needy.”

“Yes.” He snaps his fingers. “Both. Karina was much into herself.”

To no one in particular, I say, “Why would Miles want me? I’m needy, too.”

Johann lets out a small laugh. “Matthias is in love with you. At one time, he did love Karina, but he didn’t trust her. She spent a lot of his money. Partied and joined in the orgies. Because Matthias is open to everything sexual, he didn’t have a problem sharing her with others as long as he was around.” He turns his attention to me. “But I have never seen my little brother look at Karina the way he looks at you with pure joy. He brightens in your company.”

Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, I whisper, “Thank you. Mein Lieber is hurting.”

He smiles at the German usage. “Your Lieber.” Johann shakes his head with a grin. “Yeah, he’s hurting. Even though their relationship wasn’t the best, he wanted children.”

“Does he still?”

“I’m not sure anymore. He’s changed. Back then, he couldn’t wait to be a father. The car crash ended it all. The loss and guilt for being the driver and avoiding injury killed him.”

“And now another man claims to be the baby’s father.”

“Yes. For any man, finding out your spouse cheated on you is a hit to the ego. He’s blamed himself all this time for killing his child when she had been unfaithful.”

I glance up at him. “Thank you for telling me.”

“My little brother struggles with his past. He doesn’t show his emotions, but I know they’ve gone to battle inside him. Miles feels he has to be strong, refusing any help. When he was young, I looked after him. Our father couldn’t be bothered, and our mother took off to America to be an actress.”

I’m hugging my midriff, shocked my Miles had it tough. This is the first I hear of his mother. How can a mother do such a thing? I’ve had wonderful parents, and he was left to fend for himself.

“How awful that she’d abandon two little boys for Hollywood?”

“Selfishness has no boundaries.”

“I guess not.” My face scrunches like a balled-up piece of paper. “I’m going to check on Miles.”

Johann shrugs. “You might not want to disturb his beast.”

I give his arm a little squeeze. “I’ll take my chances.”

With that, he leaves, and I enter the gym. Miles’ hits and grunts echo through the warehouse style building. He hasn’t let up. I move over to where he is, press my back to the wall, and slide down onto my butt. My legs stretch out, crossing at the ankles, and I fold my hands in my lap. He gives me a sideways glance under the thickness of his lashes to hide the fact he saw me. I watch his knuckles tear apart while he punishes the punching bag. More like punishes himself. He’s drenched in sweat, heaving in breaths. Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick. This goes on for a little while longer until he loses his balance and stumbles backwards.

He rests his hands on his knees to catch his breath. I remain quiet and let him be. Then my dominant man surprises me. He drops to the floor next to me, resting his forearms on top of his bent legs. Sweat drips onto the wall and his shoulders. My head turns toward my glorious man who doesn’t know how to release his suffering other than to inflict pain.

In a low voice, I say, “Since meeting you, you’ve protected me. Saved me. Listened to my ramblings and took on the weight of my burdens. It’s my turn.” He shifts, resting his head against mine. “Let me carry you this time.”

He lays down, resting his head in my lap, and curls into a fetal position. My fingers comb through his wet hair, massaging his scalp, staring ahead at the punching bag. We’ve run the gamut of relationship rule breaking. The instant connection and my mental illness had us latching onto one another before we made the slow pleasantries of introductions. His secrets laid under the surface until they could no longer remain hidden. My powerful Miles lays in a heap next to me because secrets from his past exploded.

“Mein Lieber. Your Schatzi has no secrets. Her legs have no reason to run.” My gaze drops down to his exhausted form. “We’ve had our fights and made amends. Running away isn’t an option anymore.” I bend to kiss his cheek, and whisper, “Leave the past behind. It’s over.”

He wraps his arms around my legs, cuddling them, and releases silent tears.

We sit here for several hours. I shift from under him, causing him to sit up. Offering my hand once I’m standing, he takes it, and I lead him into the dressing room. Miles stands near the showers with his shoulders sagging while I turn the water on. His dazed eyes lock on mine while I remove his clothes, followed by mine. The connection breaks when I walk us under a showerhead. There are some shower gels in hanging baskets, so I suds him up, cleaning every inch of him. Fatigue lines his eyes. His body slumps forward.

Pressing his back to the wall, I kneel in front of him and work his cock. He was semi-hard, but it stiffens as soon as I’m kneeling. My tongue runs over the throbbing vein underneath his cock, then circles the head, wiggling inside the slit. I cup his balls, rolling them in my hand, using my saliva to soak his shaft, and then I take him into my mouth. I look up at him and my heart breaks. His head is plastered to the wall, tears flowing down his cheeks, gazing into space. Between my mouth and hand, I’m able to give him some form of release.

I stand to embrace him, and he gathers me in his arms, burying his face in my neck, and plants a soft kiss to it. My arm reaches behind him to shut off the water, but we remain this way, letting the garbage of the night wash down the drain.