Elevator Pitch (Hapless In Love #1)

36. That Dreaded ‘C-Word’

36

that dreaded ‘c-word’

Selah

Manhattan NY | January 17, 2024

My session with Dr. Garnett today was vastly different than usual. We had a lot to discuss, and I prepared her by being honest about what’s changed since our last session. I neglected to mention the hookup since I was anxious about my trip. I felt it was best to not start with the elephant in the room, so I led with Portland before explaining the recent developments with Greyson.

We discussed my recent nightmares and the common themes I’ve noticed, which were rough. They usually involve me reliving an experience with Jourdan. Often a negative one that I’d rather forget. Sometimes I see him, a faceless person, or I’m stuck in a dangerous situation with no way out. She recommended I keep a dream log, so I have. I document them in my notes app and we unpack them in my sessions. I don’t enjoy it, but I also know that uncomfortable conversations are necessary for healing.

Saving the best for last, I tell her about how things have escalated with Greyson, and that I checked off a task from my list. I cannot stop thinking about the sex, and while we’ve been texting and talking on the phone, I’m not ready to see him in person. I don’t think I can act like it didn’t happen.

He’s easy to talk to even though he makes me nervous. I wouldn’t say I have a crush on him, but he’s a very attractive man. He’s kind and quick-witted, really making it a challenge to stay in a bad mood when he’s around. I appreciate what a safe space he’s been and that when I opened up to him about my lack of sexual experience, he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I’d be lying if I said my curiosity hadn’t piqued after that phone call, but I’m also a bit concerned. I fear that a man touching and worshipping my body like that could blur the lines for me.

WWAD? She’d enjoy herself and deal with the consequences later.

“Do you want to sleep with him again?” Dr. Garnett asks through the screen, regaining my focus.

I think about it for a moment before answering. I start to lie but decide to answer truthfully. Lying won’t make me feel any better.

“I would, but I don’t want it to be another situation where I just accepted the first man that gave me attention. I’d like to keep dating. While I’ve come to not even look forward to it, I know that if I’m at least trying, I’m not settling. That alone is progress for me. I believe that if I remain open-minded without that, I’ll trust my judgment better for the next man I let into my bed and my…” I pause.

“Finish that thought?”

“My heart.”

“I see. Greyson makes you think about your heart. Is that why you’re avoiding him right now?”

“Well, I wasn’t thinking about my heart until he started keeping his word and paying attention to details about me. Honestly, he’s done that since day one. Then he built me a reading nook while I was in Portland and he’s reading my favorite book right now because he wants to? I just don’t understand him.” I cover my face with my hands .

She snorts. “I’m sorry. I’m going to give you a moment to sit with what you just said.”

“I must sound ridiculous and ungrateful, huh?”

She shakes her head. “What exactly are you hoping to understand about him? His intentions?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t done anything that makes me think he isn’t genuine. In fact, he’s awfully pleasant for a man who fucks like that. It’s hard to believe he’d be interested in something casual like I am,” I sigh.

“I think we’re getting somewhere.” She shifts in her seat and takes notes for a moment. “He made sure you were comfortable before he left and you weren’t upset. Sounds like you’re on the same page. Now, about him building things for you, that’ll require a conversation. I know you’d much rather decipher it on your own than talk about it, but if you want an answer, you know what you need to do. That dreaded ‘C word.’”

“Ugh. Communication. You know I’m not much of a talker, Doc.”

“I’m aware. That’s why I’m employed,” she chuckles. “Greyson seems like a reasonable man. I’m going to encourage you to have a real conversation before our next session.”

The timer sounds and our session is over. I let out a sigh of relief.

“Let’s recap. What’s your homework for over the next week?

“Try a regular sleep routine—go to bed earlier and try to unwind by the end of the day. Make note of how a regular routine affects my dreams. Start up my coffee shop experiment again. Stop avoiding Greyson and communicate.”

“Alright now. Looking forward to seeing your progress. I’ll see you next week, same time. Take Care, Selah.”

“You too, Doc.”

The screen darkens and that’s a wrap. I made it through another session and I’m exhausted. It’s nothing a nap and some cuddles with Peach won’t fix.