End With A Bang (Slap/Bang Duet #2)

24. Becoming

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Becoming

“No, none of that. You’d end up with a real bloodbath.”

A movie was on in the living room. Over the cinematic dialog, Ivy could hear snippets of laughter and conversation. She caught a whiff of weed. Jason had texted to ask if he could invite some friends over tonight, and she’d numbly responded with a yes.

It took all she had to leave Sever there at the hotel, after everything he’d said and done and made abundantly clear: He genuinely loved her. He would never abandon her. He was an extraordinary man who was handing her an ideal life on a silver platter... but the things Mala had said kept haunting her: All the plates would shatter.

This isn’t like you, Mala had said.

What was she like, then?

—A woman who could change the world

“That you, babe?”

“Uh huh,” Ivy said, mustering cheer as she entered the living room to greet Jason and his friends. “Hey, guys.”

Jason craned his head back on the couch to see her. “Hey.”

Feeling like she had to, for show, she gave him a soft peck on the lips.

He shot her a sly grin, as if he thought it meant more. Or he was drunk and high. Either way, it made her uncomfortable. She pointed at the screen. “ Dirty Harry ?”

“Knows the classics,” Carlos said, pointing her way without turning his head. “She’s a keeper.”

“My mom had a thing for him,” she said with a shrug, compelled to prove the opposite. “I’ve never seen the whole movie. But I get why it’s a guy classic.”

“Guy, girl, that’s irrelevant, this is a timeless tale of good versus evil. The triumph of, of man over monster and machine!”

Carlos was an ACLU liaison. He talked like that a lot.

“Also, he’s got a big gun,” Ivy said.

Chris coughed, said, “No doubt,” and offered her the bowl. “Smith hunger was trumped by the nagging sense of dread building in the pit of her stomach. “Maybe later.” She patted his shoulder. “I’ll leave you guys to your guy stuff.”

“There she goes again, groundlessly discriminating,” Carlos said, shaking his head in disappointment. “We do allow girls in this treehouse, you know. Especially girls who smell like whatever perfume you’re wearing.”

“Respect, son,” Chris chastised him with a knee-nudge.

“What? You don’t smell that? It’s like cherry blossoms.”

Sniffing her arm, Jason said, “Did you just shower?”

“I... Yeah.” Subtly snapping her arm back, she explained, “I had a power yoga class. Like I do every Friday.”

“Oh. I thought you worked out at lunch.”

“Right. Elliptical at lunch, then power yoga and meditation after work.” She’d even triple-checked the schedule to make sure it was possible. “It’s a thing I do.”

It was nerve-wracking, lying to a roomful of lawyers. Hopefully, they were all too stoned to notice.

“Amy took me to power yoga once,” Chris said. “That shit was no joke, I couldn’t walk for days. But she’s real flexible now, so I’m not mad at it.”

Ivy took the ensuing I have great sex with my wife, too high-five as an opportunity to dash, but Jason held on to her wrist.

“Sit with me. Eat. Drink. Be merry.” He kissed her hand and added, “Please?”

Too weary to make a convincing argument, she caved. “Okay. I’ll go change.”

“Careful, Huey’s in there,” he said. “Don’t want to get him high.”

Ivy closed the bedroom door behind her. Huey was on their bed, chewing voraciously on something. He jumped up to greet her, making toys jiggle and cave in around him, then quickly got back to his obsession du jour.

Mechanically, Ivy began her just-saw-Sever routine: remove office clothes, check for any tell-tale signs on fabric or body, hide Mark Hotel keycard in lining of underwear drawer, put on comfortable top and sweats, pretend to be faithful wife.

How long could she keep this up?

Rrrip.

What was Huey chewing on? As she went to look, she saw a bag on the floor by her bedside. Her weekend bag from the sailing trip. She’d completely forgotten to deal with it, and now...

“Huey!”

He looked up, white cloth hanging from his mouth.

It was Sever’s fucking t-shirt.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Panicking, she tore it out of his teeth, wadded it in her hands and paced the floor. What do I do? What do I do? Throw it out the window? Rip it to shreds? Stuff it in Sever’s mouth the next time she saw him?

She stared at it. Did this mean Jason saw it? Was this a setup, was he messing with her? No, if that were true, he wouldn’t be asking her to stay, or kissing her hand.

Breathe, Ivy. Okay: it would be weird if she randomly went to the garbage chute. She’d have to stuff it in the kitchen trash. Which is what they always did with their bathroom trash, so what was she so worried about? She took the liner, and wrapped the shirt up tight.

God, this was exhausting.

As casually as she could, she carried out her plan. Once she’d shoved the bag deep down into the bin, she washed her hands, opened the fridge, and said, “Anyone want a Modelo while I’m here?”

She sat beside Jason and watched the screen, but she paid zero attention to the movie.

After watching the bowl circulate twice, she’d decided to give it a try. Jason was surprised and amused and suspected she’d been replaced by a clone, but she’d just wanted to shut off the wailing What the hell am I doing? siren in her head.

Which it did... sort of. Combined with her beer buzz, the drug relaxed her and quieted her fears, but it also gave her a surprising sense of clarity.

Ivy saw them from the outside.

Fitting comfortably in Jason’s embrace, she could see that they appeared to be a perfect match. He was smart and handsome and her age; they shared a unique sense of humor, a similar outlook on life, and one deep, unifying psychological connection:

They both felt tragically unloved by their fathers.

It was a feeling, she realized, that they both needed to get over.

We’re not kids anymore. They made mistakes. They made bad choices. Just like us.

Ivy looked at her husband, who was riveted and pumped up by the climax of the film.

Wanting to tell him this, but knowing it wasn’t the time or place, she touched his face, and he turned to her. He searched her eyes, and smiled. Then, he brought her close, kissed her head and kept her there, tucked under his arm.

She was starting to feel sleepy. His shirt smelled good...

Ivy came to on Jason’s chest, roused by a burst of raucous laughter. The movie was over. “What time is it?”

“Not even ten-thirty,” Jason said, touching her hair. “You passed out cold.”

“Rookie,” Carlos teased her.

Chris said, “We should head out.”

“No, you all stay,” Ivy said, and kissed Jason’s stubbly cheek before extricating herself from his grasp. “I’m just gonna relocate. ‘Night.”

As their fingers came apart, Jason said, “See you soon.”

Sever was kissing her neck.

Breath hot and amorous, he ran a hand up and down her side, over her shirt.

With a soft moan of approval, Ivy weaved her legs through his, touched his strong, muscled arm and backed into him, circling her hips.

“Ohhh, baby,” he whispered, roving beneath the shirt to cup her bare breast.

Every sensation was so rich, so intoxicating; the neck-kisses, the nipple squeeze, even the simple tug of her undies down her thighs...

“Mmmn...” she hummed, feeling him rub his thick tip against her welling entry. “Yeah...”

“Oh, fuck ,” he said, pushing through. “Ohhh, baby, I missed you so much.”

She arched her back, reached behind her to caress his face. “Touch my spot.” Was that stubble?

He touched her clitoris.

Her eyes flew open and she heard a moan.

“Ow!” Jason yelped as she reflexively elbowed him in the chest, thrashed and wriggled and kicked her way out of his grasp. “Okay! Ow! Jesus! What the hell!?”

Shielding herself with a pillow, eyes adjusting to the moonlit room, Ivy realized what she’d just done.

Panting and disheveled, he gulped and said, “What the hell, Ivy? What the fuck was that?”

“I—I was asleep. I didn’t know...”

“Who I was ?”

“...W-why did you do that while I was asleep?”

“I don’t know! I was horny, you were giving me signals out there, you invited me back to bed last night?—”

“I said not yet!”

“You had your hands all over me just now! You said ‘Yeah’! ‘Touch my spot’! To me, that says you’re awake and you want it, too.”

“I’m still high, I was,” she tried to breathe, “confused...”

He squinted at her and said measuredly, “About what?”

She looked down and away, and he stood up, breathed out.

“Are you fucking someone else?”

The world stopped. She froze in place, staring at him, while adrenaline shocked her awake and coursed through her entire body. “What?”

“Simple question,” he said, nostrils flared, lips thin. “Yes or no answer.”

“Jason—”

“Don’t fuck with me!” He lunged at her and ripped the pillow out of her arms. “Tell me the fucking truth!”

“You’re scaring me!”

He paced the room, growled in frustration and shoved her dresser, making it crash and topple onto its face. “Fuck this!”

Eyes shut, she heard him storm across the loft and out to the balcony.

Shaking, Ivy found her sweats, and put them on.

Fight or flight?

After a long stillness, she followed him.

Stepping out into the chilly night air, she zipped up her hoodie and slid the balcony door shut.

Jason, dragging on a cigarette, kept his sights on the moon. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

Ivy approached the railing, touched its cold metal surface. “I’m sorry, too.”

His eyes slid her way. “For what?”

She looked down at the street, and said it: “I have been seeing someone.”

All of that secrecy, all of those lies, all of that time... and it came out so easily.

He took a quick, hard breath, huffed it out. Shook his head. Inhaled again, long and deep, then exhaled, eyes closed. Finally, he asked, “Who?”

“You don’t know him,” she answered, and that was the truth.

“I just wanna know one thing,” Jason said, voice shaking. He stubbed out his cigarette and crossed his arms. “Did this start before or after I told you about Kara?”

She cast him a sidelong glance, then looked down in shame.

He scoffed. “I’m a chump. I’m a grade A fucking chump .”

“No, you’re not. You’re a beautiful human being?—”

“Fuck you!” He sat down in a patio chair and put his head in his hands. “I went into therapy for you. You let me sleep on the couch, thinkin’...” He spit out a gust of air. “How could you do this to me? What kind of person does that?”

Body vibrating from the sting of causing him pain, she said, “The kind who doesn’t know what she wants.”

“So, what? You were keeping me around until you did?”

Carefully, she slid off her wedding ring and placed it on the patio table beside his cigarette pack. “Yeah.”

He looked at it, but didn’t touch it.

When she opened the balcony door, she heard him say, “Who the fuck are you?”

She squeezed the door handle, took a breath, and left him.

“My name is Ivy Tyler-Mark. I lost my key to the penthouse suite.” She’d walked out with only her purse, too dazed to think about anything but the monumental changes she’d made, and had yet to make.

“May I see your ID?”

She nodded, and passed the VIP concierge her license. He keyed a few things into the computer, and she heard a beep.

“Have a seat, Miss. It’ll be just a moment.”

She sat down in the lobby. More than a moment passed, and her phone rang. It was Sever.

“Hello?”

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“What?” How did he know?

“It’s 2am and you’re trying to get into our hotel room without a key?—”

“How did you...?” She glanced at the concierge. “Oh. They called you.”

“What’s going on?”

“...Nothing.”

“Do you honestly expect me to believe that?”

“I’m sorry they woke you,” she said. “Please just go back to sleep?—”

“Fuck sleep, I’m already on my way. Now tell me what happened.”

“Don’t. Don’t come here, Sever. Please.”

“ Ivy .” It was a demand.

She looked up at a crystal chandelier. It blurred and refracted until she blinked, a tear spilling down her cheek. Swiping at the tear, she said, “I told him.”

There was a pause. “You...?”

“I told him. I didn’t tell him it was you, but... I told him.”

“Get your card and go upstairs. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Ivy sat in the dark of her makeshift art studio, perched on a stool, staring out at the cityscape and the stars.

I really messed up, Mom.

“You used to say it, too,” she whispered, a tear falling. “That I could change the world... that I would ‘make a mark’. I thought Jason’s name was so perfect because of that. But now it’s a fucking scar.”

Sobbing into her hand, she said, “I’m so lost, Mommy...”

Would she give her the same advice Mala gave her? Go empty plate for a while? Her mother had lived with an empty plate for years... she didn’t need a man to make her whole.

And neither did Ivy.

“Ivy?” His voice, out in the main hall, broke her reverie. “Are you still...?” He found her in the studio. “Ivy.”

Sever obstructed her vision and crouched in front of her, touched her face.

“We’re done,” she said with a shrug. “I broke his heart.”

“Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”

She looked at him. “Are you?”

“Of course I am. You’ve been through the wringer.”

“So has he...”

“And I feel for him, too.”

“Do you, though?”

“Yes,” he said, sincere. “I never wanted to hurt him, either.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Ivy, what are you trying to prove right now?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel so bad...”

“Look, you’re tired. You’re in shock. And a bit intoxicated, seems like. Come lay with me. You’ll feel better after a sleep.”

“I don’t think I can sleep. Or do anything else.”

“I don’t want anything else,” he said. “Let me take care of you.”

She pulled her hand out of his grasp. “I don’t need a Dad, Sever.”

He huffed. “That’s not how I meant it. Is that all I am to you?”

“No! Of course not, I just meant...” She took a deep breath. “I can take care of myself, and you make me forget that.”

“You don’t make me forget it. God forbid I open a door for you.”

“You make me feel safe, and loved,” she said, “and I’ve been eating it up, play-acting your girlfriend because it feels good, and it’s not fair to you. That time I said you didn’t love me, you loved what I could do for you? I think that’s me . I’m the villain here.”

“No, you’re not. You’re beating yourself up again?—”

“You’re in love with me, I know that now, but that just makes it harder because I... I don’t know how I feel.”

“I do,” he said. “I can see it in?—”

“You see what you want to see! You’re Sever Mark, you bend things to your will! You keep telling me what I want, but you can’t know me better than I know myself. I love who you think I am, but... I need to figure it out. Who I am, and what I want...” she swallowed the lump in her throat. “On my own.”

He frowned. “What are you saying, Ivy?”

“I’m saying I don’t know the answer.”

“The answer to what?”

“What I want more than anything in this life? Remember when you asked me that?”

He nodded.

“You were right, a lot of it has to do with art, and dying flowers, and Paris, but...”

“Is it my age?”

“No!” She was surprised he asked. “God, no. You’re...” perfect.

“Then what is it? Are you afraid of what people will think of you?”

“Of course I am! I cheated on my husband with his father! Who does that?” Jason’s caustic words tumbled out of her mouth. “But that’s not why.” She looked out at the stars. “I just have to start over.”

“You’re in a state right now, please. Sleep on this.”

“But everything’s getting clear now.”

“Is it? Because you sound very confused. Or stoned.”

“I am a little.”

“You’re stuck in your head. Turn off the analysis and tell me what’s in your heart.”

“This is my heart.” She sniffled. “I don’t want to hurt you, too!”

“Do your fucking worst!” he said, exasperated. “I know what I signed up for; I can take it.”

She shook her head. “You think I want to watch you take it?”

He shrugged. “You’ve been watching so far.”

“You’re right. I deserve that. And I’m so, so sorry. But you mean too much to me to...”

“Hear yourself when you say that. You’re describing love .”

“Maybe, maybe not. That’s why I have to go it alone. I have to clean up my plate.”

“You and your bloody plate... Can I please smash it?”

“I know, you’re angry, but... We can’t be together. Not now. Not like this.”

“Now is all there is!” Eyes glistening in the moonlight, he beseeched her, “Life is short, Ivy. Time is precious. When you find something special, you hold on to it and you don’t let go.”

“Or you set it free,” she said, and he closed his eyes. “This time we’ve had together, it’s been so...”

“If you say ‘nice’, I think I might heave.”

“Life-changing.”

A tear fell out of his eye and hers at the same time. “Oh, Ivy...”

“I’m sorry.” She kissed his lips. He held her neck.

“If this is what you truly want...” He took a deep, quavering breath. “Let me have this last night with you. Just to hold you.”

Ivy wanted this last night with him, and more. But she also knew that no matter how much it hurt, she had to move on.

...Tomorrow.

Ivy led him to the bedroom.

Tonight, she would be his.