Everything I Desire (Lupine Valley #3)

5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Adelaide

What did I get myself into? I thought I had agreed to take Kayla for a little girl’s night to get some necessities, but here I am, riding shotgun in Porter’s truck. Fighting the urge to reach over and hold his hand like I always did.

He seems to be fighting the same urge to place his hand on my thigh. I always loved the feel of his big, rough hands on the soft skin of my thighs while riding with him. But, this is absolutely not how I saw today going, nor was I prepared for the turnout.

Porter parks his truck and Kayla hops out, excitedly waiting for us.

“Thank you for coming, baby. I really appreciate it, I know this wasn’t your first choice for how to spend your night.” He says, looking at me with his hand on the handle of his door.

“Porter, it’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s just that we haven’t –” Kayla rips open my door.

“Let’s gooooo you slow pokes! I’m so excited.” She whines.

I can’t even be mad at her for interrupting.

For the first time in her life, she has someone who is taking care of her needs and spoiling her. Not that new clothes that fit, and basic necessities are being spoiled, but unfortunately for her it is. For her, I can even deal with the torture of being around Porter without touching him.

Kayla runs ahead of us as we start walking in, and Porter comes into step beside me. “I get it, Addy. I do. I hurt you. I didn’t deserve you the first time, I sure as hell don’t deserve a second chance. Message received.”

“Porter, that’s not, I mean ... I don’t know what I mean. I wasn’t ready for this.” I reach out to gently touch my fingertips to his arm.

“I know. I get it. I wasn’t either. But it’s really fine. Kayla needs to be a priority. And nothing has changed between us. You’re still good, and I’m not. Your father will never accept me, even today. Look at the situation I’m in. He was right to protect you from me.” He jogs ahead to catch up with Kayla, leaving me behind. Unable to tell him that my father has no opinions anymore, he died years ago. I guess he hasn’t kept up on town gossip.

My father’s opinion of Porter was the only time we ever argued and disagreed. When Willow found me at the lake after Porter didn’t show up that morning, Dad took that and ran with it. Continually telling me how he was right and that Jackson boy was no good. Until the day I finally snapped, screaming at him that he was only gone because of my father’s coldness toward him. After that day my mother declared that it was over, and it will not be spoken about again.

I catch up to Kayla and Porter and my heart breaks looking at him. He still looks like that broken, unloved boy from high school who thinks he isn’t worthy of any sort of kindness.

Maybe we can at least be friends. Could I do that? My heart can’t handle getting too close if he leaves again, friends or not.

I spent years hoping he would come back. When he didn’t I tried to move on. I didn’t have the time I needed to steel my heart for seeing him again, let alone being thrown into this relationship with him.

I need to know if he’s staying first, then maybe I can figure out where I want this new relationship with Porter to go.

“So Addy, how is it living next door to Porter?” Lacey asks me.

My sisters and Lauren are over for a girl’s night. Of course the first thing Lauren did was spill the beans about my new neighbor.

“Ugh. You guys, it’s fine. I helped them find some furniture, and get Kayla what she needs. Just like I would do for anyone who suddenly has a child and a new home.” I try to busy myself getting the plates for pizza .

“Oh come on, you can’t really think we’d believe that Porter freaking Jackson is back in town, and you’re keeping things completely professional.” Scarlett scoffs.

“I’m trying to. He needs to focus on Kayla. I need to keep our relationship professional for work. And besides, he still thinks that I’m too good for him. Just like he did when he left. What’s stopping him from leaving when Maura finally comes home?” I ask.

“Rumor has it that he signed a six month lease and paid the whole six month’s worth of rent up front,” Lauren winks. “I also heard from Mrs. Smith, that Ronnie wants to retire. Porter has been doing some freelance work with him, and Ronnie was telling Mrs. Smith he wants that boy to take over the shop since he’s finally back. She said that she hasn’t seen Ronnie this excited since Porter came to his shop to begin with.”

Well, this is news to me. Porter always thought of Ronnie as a father to him. He was so excited to take over for him one day. They’d talked about it almost daily when I’d go visit him while he worked. Ronnie would always joke when something went wrong, saying One day boy, this will all be yours. The smile that would spread across Porter’s face was beautiful. I think that was Ronnie’s way of showing he cared about him.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter, guys. What we had is in the past, even if my feelings aren’t. ”

“Judging by the fact he can’t help but look over here every two minutes between working on his bike, I’d say his feelings are in the present too.” Lacey is curled up on my couch looking out my side window that faces Porter’s house.

Scarlett and Lauren clamor over to join her, looking like small children with their faces up against the window. I come over to stand behind them, and sure enough there he is in his driveway looking over at my house.

“Damn, time has done that man’s body some favors,” Lacey says.

“Do you think he has a six pack or an eight pack?” Scarlett asks.

It might be winter, but the thermal henley he’s wearing looks like it could be painted on his body it’s so tight.

“An eight pack,” I answer without thinking and cover my mouth with my hands when I realize my mistake.

“Adelaide Harper. What aren’t you telling us?” Lauren spins around to face me.

“It was nothing. He walked me to my car one night when I dropped Kayla off. He may or may not have had a lapse in judgment and plastered his hard body against mine. It was a moment of weakness, besides, I ruined it anyway when I told him I couldn’t do it and ran at Kayla’s interruption.”

Lacey pulls the window up, letting a burst of cold air in. Before anyone can stop her she’s got her head in the open window. “Hey, Porter Jackson. Welcome back!” she yells.

He turns and waves in our direction. “Why don’t you come over and catch up?”

His eyes widen at their invitation.

Oh my gosh. What does my sister think she is doing? Catch up? Since when does she feel the need to catch up with him?

“Sorry, ladies, I gotta finish this up before the storm tomorrow. Maybe another time.” He stares straight into my soul with the saddest look, letting me know that he’s respecting the boundary he thinks I set in place. It would do me good to think that boundary is there too.

“Lacey!” I slap her arm playfully. “What is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?”

“Someone has to push you out of your comfort zone by keeping him at arm’s length! I mean come on. The man lives next door to you. And look at him!” She exclaims, closing the window.

“I’m good in my comfort zone though. I like it here. That’s why it’s called a comfort zone.” I cross my arms.

Lauren slides onto the couch next to Lacey.

“And that, my dear, is why I showed him this house knowing it was next to you. Haven’t you ever read a romance novel? Forced proximity and all. It works. I’m telling you.” She pops a chip in her mouth.

“Okay, okay, let’s leave Addy alone.” Scarlett drops her arm around my shoulders and squeezes me. “Besides, I’m pregnant. That’s definitely juicier tea.”

I whirl around, “What? Really? I’m getting another niece or nephew?” Lacey and I start jumping up and down, hugging Scarlett.

“Just don’t tell Mom! We haven’t told her yet. Since she’s so busy with her new boyfriend and all,” Scarlett laughs.

Mom has been taking a lot of trips with Scott. Once she decided to let the guilt of moving on go, she has jumped all in with this relationship.

I am really so happy for my mom and sisters. But I can’t help feeling the pang of jealousy at my family’s happiness. Especially as I stare at the man outside my window who made promises of this future in hushed whispers laying under the stars ten years ago.

I absentmindedly rub the tattoo on my forearm. Reminders of those times and memories inked on my skin forever.

As Lacey and Scarlett embark on wedding planning and baby talk, Lauren comes over and throws her arm over my shoulder. “Sometimes it kind of sucks to be in the singles club, huh?”

Ha . If anyone knows how I feel it’s Lauren.

She’s been in love with Brad since they were in high school together. He also moved away but came back and is now our local police officer, still as oblivious as ever to her feelings.

“I’m happy for them. I really am.” I lean my head against hers.

“Yea but it doesn’t stop the jealousy from coming up for us,” she whispers.

I take one last look outside at Porter, and our eyes connect. He gives me a sad smile and a half hearted wave, completely unaware of my feelings warring within my head. I close the shades and walk back into the kitchen with the girls. A physical reminder of that boundary I’m trying to keep until I know if he’s here for good.

Or wants me to go with him. If he asked I would still follow him anywhere.

They stay for another couple of hours, we finish off the pizza, and cookies from Mom while watching a Hallmark movie. I walk them outside and once they leave I stand on the porch and stare up at the stars. It’s such a clear night, nights like this were always Porter and I’s favorite.

The cold wind is carrying the scent of the impending snow. I groan inwardly. I’m sick of winter at this point. Once Christmas is over, the cold and snow can go.

“The stars are still as beautiful as ever.” I jump at the sound of his voice, grasping my chest.

“Jeeze, Porter. You scared me.” We lock eyes as he ascends the stairs to my porch.

“I’m sorry. I saw you out here alone and just wanted to say hi. We just finished setting up the living room with all the furniture you were able to find for us. Kayla fell asleep watching some chick flick on the couch and I can’t bring myself to shut it off on her so I came out here to look at the stars instead.” He sighs. “I still do most nights. Reminds me of happy times.”

I reach out and touch his fingers with mine, “I do know. I do the same.”

We stand there, fingers gently interlaced on my front porch, staring up at the sky.

“Adelaide, I think you should know why I didn’t show up that morning,” he says.

“Okay.” I sit on my stairs slowly, not sure if I’m ready for his explanation.

He sits down beside me, turning slightly toward me, grabbing my hand again.

“Your father came to see me after I left. He found me walking home. Told me that I was never to come around again. That you were destined for greater things than I could provide. He offered me money to leave you alone. As if I could ever take money in exchange for you. But I did realize he was right. I was nothing. I would never be anything. I had to leave you alone to let your light grow brighter. I was being selfish taking your light for myself. So I promised myself that night that I would never steal your light again. I would stop being a selfish son of a bitch and leave you behind to live your great life.” His head hangs low.

“Oh, Porter. No. You never stole my light, your love made my light brighter everyday. I promise you that.” I place my palm on his cheek, feeling the stubble and the way his jawline tightens under my touch .

“That’s where you’re wrong, baby. I was. I am. I’m so wrong for you and I still am. Look at me, a dirty mechanic, dragged back into the world of addicts that is my family, not even knowing where my sister is, half hoping she doesn’t come home so my niece can have a chance at a better life. I’ll do better by her, Adelaide. I swear it. She’s like you. She’s so full of life and light, unlike my sister and I.” He stands and starts to walk away. “I just wanted you to know that I loved you and it killed me to walk away. Hell, I still love you. I never want to hurt you again.” He walks down my steps and back toward his home.

“Porter, please” I cry out to him, but he is gone. He doesn’t pause or even look back.

His admission saddens me, and angers me. My own father offered the man I love money to leave me alone. How the fuck could he?

Porter making up these assumptions about him only taking from me is bullshit. I was whole with him. Without him, I have a gaping hole in my heart that he used to fill.

Sure my life is good, but with him it was great, everything I ever wanted. The future he talked about building was everything I’ve ever wanted, and still want. And he’s the only one I see in it with me.

I need to convince him of that, then whether he stays or goes, I’m with him. Here or in New York, he’s not leaving me again .

I walk back into my house, shut the door, and let the tears fall freely. Tears for the sadness that clouds Porter. Tears for the life we’ve lost out on. And tears for the future I’m taking back.