7
AMATEUR HOUR
MATT
A fter dinner, I do the dishes and attempt to organize Simon’s new things while he chills in the wearable baby carrier I bought today. Where am I going to put all of this crap?
Pepper helps me make room in the living area and my room, and we chat the whole night. It’s surface level and mostly about Simon, but I’d forgotten how nice it is to have someone to decompress with at the end of the day.
For years, I’ve been keeping myself company with Shani and the photos I edit on my laptop for work.
Grief works that way, I guess. Some people isolate themselves like I have. I don’t go out much. Going to the beach with old friends back on the small island of Aveline where I grew up has become rare. We’ve all grown and moved on. Some of them have families. I thought I’d have a family with Grace by now, but life stole her away.
Pepper is folding her clean laundry on my couch. For the first time since Grace died, I’m looking at a girl and wondering if there could be something between us.
It’s clear no one has let her know that she’s a privilege to be around, and I have a burning need to show her. I just need her to let me in. Maybe if I’m open and vulnerable with her, that’ll help her feel comfortable being open.
“I need to give Simon a bath, but I’m afraid I’m going to drown him,” I confess.
“I’ll stand by for moral support,” she grins. “You’ll do great.”
I put the plastic bathtub in the kitchen sink and gather the special baby soap and washcloth I bought.
“Okay, Simon. We’ve got this.” I take off his diaper and hope he doesn’t poop while I’m bathing him.
His body is floppy, so I hold him gently with one hand around his torso while I wash him with the other hand.
I don’t want him slipping. Good thing he’s small, because my hand can literally engulf his whole body and keep him in place.
“Do I need to wash his hair?” I ask Pepper.
“Probably.”
He’s a slippery little booger while he’s all wet.
“Right.” I hold him with one hand while I sprinkle water on his blonde locks and add a squirt of soap. Then, I look at the faucet and Simon, weighing my options.
“Picking you up, buddy.” I cradle him in my arm like a football and hold his little head under the stream of warm water.
His eyes roll contentedly back in his head and his lips form a little “O.”
“He’s freaking adorable. I need my camera,” I murmur.
“If you want to get it, I’ll hold him,” Pepper grins.
“Let me get his towel first. Gotta cover up the family jewels.” I wrap him in a fluffy blue towel, then quickly grab my camera and take a few photos of him. Little water droplets cling to his chubby cheeks, and he wriggles around, pulling his tiny hands out of the towel.
“You’re a natural Simon.” I pull the towel down a little so he can clutch the end of it with his little fingers while he looks at the camera. This is priceless.
“I’ll do a real photo shoot with you tomorrow, little man,” I say after snapping a few more.
“Oh, shit. I didn’t put a diaper on him.” I hurriedly set my camera down and grab a diaper, but I’m too late. The part of the towel covering Simon’s private parts is drenched with pee.
“Dude, I definitely need to put a diaper on you first next time.” Rookie move on my part, but I learned my lesson. Time to clean him up.
Again.
When Simon is all cleaned up and in his zip up sleeper, I brush my teeth. I prepare Simon’s last bottle before bed with him strapped to my chest, because I can do almost everything with my tiny human in this cool carrier.
My tiny human. It’ll take time to process that he’s mine. Before I went shopping today, I stopped at a lab so I could get paternity testing done. I need to know 100% that he’s my son.
“Did you call a pediatrician today?” Pepper asks as I feed Simon his bottle.
“Yup. Made an appointment for Thursday with the same pediatrician I went to as a kid on Aveline Island.”
I was afraid to tell them I know absolutely nothing about taking care of an infant. If they know how ignorant I am about my own son, would they take him from me? I ended up calling my mom, and she suggested a book to buy. She also gave me advice about how to put him to bed.
Simon’s fallen asleep pretty easily a couple of times today, once in his car seat and once in the baby carrier. I’ll rock him to sleep tonight, and I’m hoping he sleeps well in his new crib.
When he napped today, I read as much as I could about infant care. My knowledge when it comes to infants is next to zilch, and I want to be the best dad I can for Simon.
“He can’t have anything in his crib when he sleeps,” I tell her. “No blanket, not even a stuffed animal.”
“You’re right.”
“If he does, he could suffocate and die. That’s intense shit, huh?” Oops. I need to not cuss in front of my kid.
“When he’s older, he can cuddle with stuff.”
“Yeah. I don’t know how he’s going to sleep through the night,” I sigh.
“He won’t, Matt.”
“Goodbye, sleep,” I say with a wry smile and run my finger down Simon’s cute nose.
“Hey, I need to talk to you,” I tell Pepper as she lays her clean laundry on the bedside table .
“What’s up?” She sits down next to me on my bed where I’m feeding Simon.
“I’ve got a sunset engagement session at the beach tomorrow and one the next day.”
“Lucky you had off today.”
“Yeah. Weekends are busy with weddings, so I always take Mondays off. Anyway, I called my parents, and they’re going to come watch Simon tomorrow. Wanted to give you a heads up that they’ll be here for a couple of hours in the evening.”
She nods in understanding. “That’s fine. I’ll be gone by then.”
“Wait, what?” I ask.
“We both know I don’t belong here. I don’t want to put you or Simon at risk.”
This girl . Whatever happened to her has her majorly spooked. From my interactions with her so far, it’s clear she’s never been shown how priceless she is. The whole fucking world should be hers, and I want to be the one to give it to her.
Simon’s bottle is empty now, so I stand and lay him on my shoulder to burp him. “Let me put Simon to bed, then we’ll talk.”
“Okay. I’ll wait for you,” she turns to leave the bedroom, but I don’t trust her to stay.
“Please, stay. Talk with me,” I beg quietly as Simon burps and spits up on my shoulder. Crap, I forgot to put a burp cloth on me. Oh well.
Her eyebrows rise in consideration, then she nods silently.