Falling for Ezra Thomas (Life With the Thomas Brothers #4)

12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Lorelai

I drop my suitcase just inside the door of the Thomas’ mountain cabin and exhale. Finally alone, I can let the sadness wash over me. But it isn’t all sadness. There’s hope too, and I intend to let that hope grow while Ezra is at basic training. I squeeze my hand into a fist around a little sticky note with his address. It's the only thing keeping me grounded.

The Banner Elk cabin is just far enough from town that no one will pop in to bother me, but close enough to keep me grounded. If I call one of the girls, I know I could have company in a matter of hours. Still, I want to take this time to think about my future. Gosh, I’ll be happy if I can figure out my present.

First things first. After a good stretch, I head to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and unpack the groceries I purchased for the week…maybe two if I decide to take Ezra’s advice to stretch out my recovery time. Outside, dusk settles over the mountain and a few deer have stopped near the kitchen window to munch on bright green grass. It’s still cool, and my frazzled nerves begin to unwind. I take a deep breath and let the scent of coffee fill my lungs along with the smoky, woodsy scent of the cabin.

While the coffee brews, I unload my grocery bags into the fridge and cabinet before rolling my suitcase to the master bedroom. It’s the only one downstairs, and it has a gorgeous back porch with a lounge chair and table that will get a lot of use while I’m here. Just nature and me, a good book, and nothing else to distract me from recuperating.

The cabin hasn’t been used since before Christmas, which means it’s still decked out with flannel sheets. I change them to a lighter weight linen and drop my books on the nightstand. The floorboards creak in all the right places, reminding me of vacations past. The Mays family has spent more than one long weekend up here with the Thomases, and a whole lifetime of memories floods me all at once.

There’s not a moment of my life that is devoid of Ezra Thomas. He’s almost always been around thanks to his close friendship with Vivien, but even without her presence we still had fun together. While I stand in the master bedroom contemplating those times, one memory in particular comes to mind.

It was Thanksgiving seven years ago, and we were all up here for a great big meal. Even our grandparents attended, though mine went back home that night. The cabin was crowded, but no one complained. Someone got the crazy idea to play hide and seek, which was nearly impossible without sharing a space with someone else. I hid under the bed in the master suite, hoping none of the other kids would think to look there considering it was Mr. and Mrs. Thomas’s bedroom.

I held my breath when people passed the door time and again, and when someone opened it wide and tiptoed in, I thought my lungs might burst. The next thing I knew, another human shimmied under the bed and bumped into me. He hadn’t expected me to be under it, so he startled. I covered his mouth and shushed him, though I was not very happy about sharing my hiding spot.

It took the others almost half an hour to find us, but during that time we played tic-tac-toe in the dust under the bed. There was a lot of dust, and though it wasn’t what I would call fun, I still didn’t mind spending that time with Ezra camped out, hiding from our siblings.

The only reason they found us was because he sneezed.

I chuckle at the memory and turn off the light, then head back to get my cup of coffee. It’s dark now, so I pull the chain on an old lamp and light up the room before starting a fire. The chill has settled in, making me glad I packed a sweater.

Once nestled in with my drink, I watch the fire eat up the logs and let my mind drift again. This time, it ends up back only a few months when the bomb of the century hit. When everyone found out that Beck and Vivien were a real thing and not fake dating at that pet shop. Ezra had already told Vivien the truth about setting them up, how he didn’t have romantic feelings towards her, and he’d sent her to go make amends with Beck.

Then he sat on the bench in front of the pet store and moped. I had a bad feeling he’d lied to Vivien about his feelings to protect his brother, so I flopped on the seat beside him and nudged him before asking him what was wrong. It wasn’t about hidden romantic feelings, I know that now, but about fear that he’d let his best friend and twin down when they found out he would soon be leaving.

Thinking about that moment inspires me to write my first letter to Ezra, so I retrieve a pen and sheet of stationery from my bag and sit at the desk in front of the bay window overlooking the creek. Though it’s dark and I can’t see anything outside, I still have a glimpse of the moon and stars beginning to shine. It feels good up here in the cabin, almost as if my sister knew what she was talking about when she suggested I come up here.

I'll have to drive to the little general store at the bottom of the mountain to drop the letter at the post offive, but it'll be worth the time. With a little sigh, releasing another small bit of the tension that has been building for months, I put pen to paper.

Dear Ezra,

I just made it to the cabin and unpacked. I decided to stay in the master suite and it made me think of that Thanksgiving that we played tic-tac-toe under the bed, hiding from our siblings. We’d probably still be hiding there if you hadn’t sneezed and given away our location. That got me thinking about all the moments we’ve shared over the years, with and without Vivien. I guess we’ve always been closer than I realized, and maybe that’s why it hurt so much when we didn’t speak after the first kiss.

I don’t mean to bring that up in a negative way. I’m merely working through my thoughts, and I realize that we have a lot of trust between us that has nothing to do with our families being close, and everything to do with mutual respect for one another. I guess in a lot of ways, I always saw you as my sister’s best friend, and not as much my friend. But you are. You always have been. You were right when you said I shouldn’t diminish that. We’re very close, and it means a lot to me.

That thought led me to that day outside of the pet shop after Vivien admitted her feelings for Beck, and about the crush she’d once had on you. You looked so sad after that conversation with her. I was worried it was because you actually did have feelings for my sister, but you wanted to protect your brother.

Obviously, I now know that’s not true. Still, there was something weird happening between us even then, on that day specifically. It’s hard to define, but I think in some ways we both realized what we were about to lose. You were losing the one-on-one focus of your best friend and the super glue connection you had with Beck. For me, it was knowing my little sister had found love and maybe we would never have that in common.

But we also gained so much that day. Actually, maybe we didn’t lose anything. We gained a certain kind of permanence that makes the heart swell with happiness. I gained a whole Thomas brood as a permanent fixture thanks to the union between my sister and your twin. I doubt the Mays family could shake the Thomases even if we wanted to, but there’s something to be said for the pending union those two bring to our families.

Anyway, I’m rambling in the wrong direction. What I wanted to say is that the conversation we had that day, I think, sparked something in me that I didn’t know was there. Maybe because I’d always known how Vivien felt about you, I hid it, denied it, and pretended it didn’t exist…but I think the truth is that you’ve always been my favorite Thomas brother. I think I’ve always had a special place in my heart for you, even if I didn’t know why.

The kiss that night might have been spontaneous in many ways, but I can’t help wondering if it was the result of denied feelings for so many years. Feelings like this don’t just spring up and develop overnight, right? There had to have been something growing over time for either of us to behave the way we did.

Even saying that makes me feel awful in some ways. Almost like I was secretly, subconsciously betraying my sister all those years. I suppose that’s something I’ll have to talk to her about, but I don’t think I’ve looked at you the same way since that day, since we chatted on a bench outside of the pet shop about what things would be like now that our siblings were falling in love.

I know things will be different now. Your career change has shaken things up a lot, but I am so proud of you for committing to what you believe God has called you to do, even though not everyone understands. I get it though. And I think a whole lot more of your family members do too, even if it’s hard for them to admit it. It’s scary thinking about what you might be doing in the future, but more and more, all I can focus on is the fact that we do have a future. I mean, I hope that we do. I suppose that’s the point of all of this writing and self reflecting, but Ezra, I mean it when I say that I’m falling in love with you. I can’t imagine my life without you, and whatever the future holds, I have a feeling we can figure it out together if we keep praying through it.

I hope you’re surviving basic training like a champ. If not, that’s okay. I’d probably die after two days. I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Lorelai