Feathers and Thorne Series Books 1 - 3: The Complete Collection

Chapter Thirty-Five

Isabella

“Sam, please don’t look at me like that.” I pick up another item of clothing and put it away. “I know what we talked about, and I know what we said…”

Sam sighs and sinks into the chair by the bedroom window. “I just don’t understand what changed.”

“Nothing changed. I just decided to give Carter the benefit of the doubt. He’s been keeping me safe, so I know he’ll keep the baby safe, too.”

He has to.

What other choice does he have? Unless he doesn’t want the baby to begin with.

Shit.

I’ve been trying not to wonder what would happen if he refuses to take responsibility and decides he doesn’t want to be a father after all. A part of me pictures Carter sweeping me into his arms and kissing me senseless when I tell him. The other part of me imagines Carter’s angry face as he moves away from me and paces.

I’m terrified to realize that I have no idea which way this is going to go. Or if I’m even going to be allowed to stay here if Carter decides he doesn’t want a baby.

Does he love me enough to keep me around? Or is he going to find an excuse to cast me out?

“Isabella, I’m asking you to reconsider, please.” Sam sits up straighter and links her fingers together. “I’m not telling you to keep it a secret from him or even leave him. I’m just asking that you go into hiding until the baby is older.”

I pick up another item of clothing and pause with my hand in the air. “Raise the baby on my own?”

Sam exhales. “Look, I don’t want to be the one to say this, but it’s not like Carter is going to be able to help you even if you do stay, and that’s assuming he wants the baby to begin with. What if he tells you to put him up for adoption or something?”

I drop the dress and wheel around to face Sam. “He wouldn’t.”

Would he? I wish I knew for certain, but even I know Sam has a point.

Carter is the kind of man who is used to getting his way, and there’s nothing he dislikes as much as being rejected or disobeyed.

What if I defy Carter and keep the baby? Will it mean the end of us?

Sam untucks her legs and stands up. “I’m not saying he will or won’t. I honestly have no fucking clue. That man is a mystery to me, so I won’t pretend to understand him. But I think I know enough about you to know that you will not be able to live with it.”

I dig my nails into my palms. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’ve got a big heart, Isabella. Too big for any of this shit, and you love Carter too much to demand anything from him, even things he rightfully owes you.”

“He doesn’t owe me anything.”

Sam throws her arms up and comes to a stop a few feet away. Her eyes settle on my face, and a furrow appears between her brows. “Babe, Carter owes you a lot. He dragged you into this mess to begin with, knowing full well what it would mean for you and your life.”

“It’s not like he forced any of this on me. I chose this life, Sam.”

And I would choose it all over again for the chance to be with Carter.

I have very few regrets in that regard.

“Yes, but you chose it without knowing what it meant. It’s okay to admit that, Isabella. Even I don’t know what most of this means. But you and I… we’re different. We’re grown-ups. Right or wrong, our decisions are ours to make.”

I suck in a harsh breath. “Are you telling me I’m making the wrong decision for my baby? I wouldn’t endanger him or her like that.”

I already love my baby more than I thought was possible.

Over the last few weeks, as Carter has prepared himself to go to war with the warring families, Lilian, and everyone in between, I’ve spent my time online, reading about mothers and babies and all of the things I need to do to ensure the baby’s arrival is as smooth and painless as possible.

But none of the websites included advice on how to deal with the mob banging on my doorstep. Or getting bloodstains out of the carpets. And none of them will.

Sam takes both of my hands in hers, and her expression softens. “Isabella, I know you wouldn’t. I don’t mean it like that. I just want to make sure you’ve thought about this because it sounds to me like you chickened out.”

I wrench my hands away and give Sam a wounded look. “That’s a mean thing to say.”

“It’s not. You’re an emotional person, and you tend to make decisions based on your heart, not your head.” Sam gives a slight shake of her head, and her expression turns apologetic. “I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, but in this case, you need all the help you can get.”

I blink back the tears. “I’m trying, Sam. You have no idea how hard all of this has been.”

Or how much I wish I could go visit my father, have him throw his arm around me, and stroke my hair. Suddenly, I’d give anything to have him with me, feel his body shielding mine, and hear his deep voice soothe all my fears. He would’ve known exactly what to do.

But nothing I say or do is going to bring him back, no matter how badly I want it to be true.

“I know all this is hard. I can’t even imagine what this must be like, but you need to be honest with yourself, Isabella. Starting with the article. Carter doesn’t know that you know, does he?”

I swallow and shake my head. “When he came home, and I saw his wound and the panic in his eyes, I… I just couldn’t do that to him.”

Not when it meant having that information between us. And giving the article more power than it already has.

Lilian is using her information like a weapon to force us apart, and I’ll be damned if I let her get away with it. Carter and I have been through too much to let one power-hungry, lustful journalist get in the way.

Sam grimaces. “I get it, but he will find out sooner or later. You can’t keep it a secret forever, and you need to figure out how you’re going to tell him about the baby.”

I nod, but the tears are still burning the back of my eyes. “I know.”

Because as much as I want to protect and give us time to process everything, I can’t let these secrets fester between us. They’ve done too much damage already.

I clear my throat. “Do you have any idea who betrayed the Blackthornes? Carter won’t tell me what happened at the docks.”

Sam shakes her head. “Tristan won’t tell me either, but it must be serious.”

“They should go to Donahue for help,” I murmur, pausing to push my hair out of my face. Although I haven’t seen him since he rescued me from being trafficked, Rich has been on my mind. Now and again, I wonder if he’s had any luck finding his sister, and I feel the urge to reach out to him and make sure he’s okay.

But I know it’s going to do more harm than good. Carter is too jealous of Rich for us to ever be friends. The mere mention of his name sends Carter into a dark place, and I know it’s the last thing he needs.

Still, I wish I could talk to someone who understood, who isn’t going to judge or try to point me in one direction or the other.

Sam is trying, but no amount of effort is going to change the fact that she can’t relate.

Sam’s phone rings, and she fishes it out of her pocket. “I should get going. Are you going to be okay?”

I nod and give her a small smile. “I’m going to unpack the rest of the bag and take a bath.”

“Maybe work on some of the designs as well. You haven’t done that in a while.” Sam puts her phone away and gives me a pointed look. “I’m here if you need me.”

Without waiting for a response, Sam spins around and exits the room. When she’s gone, I finish unpacking the rest of the bag and reach for the music box. I run my fingers over the edge, slowly, delicately, as if it’s the most precious thing in the world. Then I set it down in the middle of the dresser and wind up the tiny ballerina.

I hum along to the music as I strip out my clothes.

In the bath, I submerge my body beneath the bubbles and listen to the sound of running water. When I turn it off, I’m plunged into silence and left at the mercy of my thoughts. Rolling my shoulders, I drape my arms on either side of me and frown. I have my head tilted back, and I’m singing to myself when Carter comes in, wearing a grim expression.

Without changing out of his clothes, he gets into the bathtub with me, causing some of the water to slosh over. He stretches his legs out on either side of me and presses me to him. His clothes are dirty and smell like sweat, but I don’t mind, especially when he wraps his arms around me and presses a kiss to the back of my head.

Carter is usually never this sweet or tender. Not that he doesn’t have his moments, but they are too few and far between for my liking.

Since discovering this side of him, I have tried to bring more and more of it to the surface.

I twist an arm over my head and wind my fingers through his hair. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Carter nods and releases a deep breath. “We haven’t been able to have the bad press completely killed.”

“Didn’t you say that your lawyer is taking care of it?”

“Mitch has his work cut out for him,” Carter replies in a strange voice. “There’s a lot of shit happening. But he’s good. I know he’ll come through. I just hope it isn’t too late.”

I twist to face Carter, but he pushes my head forward. “Don’t shut me out, Carter. We talked about this.”

Carter runs his hands over my bare skin. “I know, but there isn’t much to say, dove. War is a necessary evil, but it’s still one I try to avoid.”

“I thought the Philipses and Natoris were still recuperating from the last attack.”

“They were.” Carter exhales and plays with the hair on the nape of my neck. “But they’ve had a little help from other allies, and now they’re back like the fucking cockroaches they are.”

“What about Donahue? Can’t he help?”

Carter shifts and presses a kiss to the back of my neck. “The Blackthorns need to do this on their own.”

“What about Frances? Didn’t you mention that you have some kind of deal?”

“So far, we’ve held up our end of the bargain, but Lilian has proven to be a lot more resourceful than I gave her credit for.”

I wriggle away from Carter and move to the other end of the tub so I can face him. He is watching me intently as if I have all the answers in the world. “What can I do to help?”

Carter’s expression tightens. “You are not going anywhere near this war, dove. You’ve already fought enough, and you’ve been dragged into too much of this shit. Don’t ask me about this again.”

I move my arms and pull some of the bubbles closer so they’re covering my chest. “Carter, you know you can ask me for a lot of things, but you can’t ask me to stay out of this. I’m already in it.”

Carter frowns. “That’s not the same thing, and you know it. There’s a big difference between you being forced to deal with this shit and walking right into it.”

I grip the edges of the tub and give Carter a frustrated look. “Don’t split hairs, please.”

Carter shakes his head and gets out of the tub, causing more water to slosh over. I watch his back as he stands over the sink and grips the edge. “I don’t know why you’re being so fucking difficult.”

I frown and sink lower into the water. “I’m not trying to be—”

Carter spins around to face me, and his face is etched in cold fury. “Do you have any idea the kind of things I do for you? What I have to do to keep us safe? To keep you safe? If you knew, you’d be on your knees every night instead of this bullshit.”

Abruptly, I stand up, and I don’t care that more of the water spills over and drowns the bathroom floor. I cross my arms over my chest and give Carter a pointed look. “That’s not fair. I never asked you to do any of those things.”

“I don’t do them because you fucking asked me, dove. I do them because that’s what a man is supposed to do for the woman he loves, and you’re my goddamn fiancée.”

“Exactly. You pointed it out yourself. I’m your goddamn fiancée. You need to start acting like it. I’m not some prize to be kept or tucked away when you want to take it out and show it off. I’m a human being.”

Carter’s hands clench into fists. “You think I don’t fucking know that?”

I slide one leg over the tub, then the other, and bridge the distance between us. Carter doesn’t move away from me or react when I wrap my arms around his neck and look up so I meet his gaze directly. Instead, he continues to stand there, as stiff as a statue, his breathing harsh and uneven.

I wind my fingers through his hair and breathe out. “Carter, I am not trying to push you away or make your life harder. I know you have a lot to deal with, but I don’t want to be pushed away.”

And I have no idea how much longer I can take him icing me out.

In the beginning, when my dad first died, I didn’t mind because it gave me the chance I needed to process and grieve. While I know that I’m going to miss my dad for the rest of my life, and the pain of not having him around is never going to go away, I also know that I can’t live in it forever.

I can’t dwell on it for the remainder of my life. Not with a baby growing inside of me. And not when I’m trying to fight for a future for Carter and me.

The only chance we have is if we work through the hardship together, side by side, like we’re meant to. Otherwise, we might as well throw in the towel right now and call it a day.

But I can’t imagine doing that, not where Carter is involved, and I know he’d rather die than give up on me.

On us.

Reaching Carter has become more challenging since this whole business with the Philipses and the Natoris, and I know a large part of that is because of me. I should’ve pushed harder.

I shouldn’t have retreated into my shell in order to shut out the outside world. While a part of me appreciates the time I was given away from everything happening, the other part regrets the price I’ve had to pay. Rather than finding everything the same, I realize that the world is quickly moving on without me.

And if I don’t catch up, I’m going to be left behind… by Carter and everyone else. I’m not going to let that happen, not if I can help it.