Finding Home (Heart & Home Duet #2)

17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Christian

Darren threaded our fingers together as we stood in front of the red door. My hands were sweaty, but he didn’t complain.

“Do you want me to knock for you?”

I looked up at him, filled with more appreciation than I thought possible, and shook my head.

With a deep breath, I rang the doorbell. It didn’t take long before Dad opened the door, looking at me confused, no doubt wondering how the hell I got there. He quickly looked at Darren before his attention was back on me.

His dark brown hair was a mess from having just woken up, and his short beard needed trimming. I really wish I’d ended up with his height. He was at least five-ten. I would’ve taken five-ten, though I was still growing .

“Christian, what are you doing here? Does your mother know you’re here?”

Darren gave my hand a gentle squeeze, prompting me to speak. “Uh, I need to talk to you.”

“Is everything okay? Is your mother alright? Why didn’t you just call? And who is… this?”

“Can we come in, please? It’s cold outside.”

He thought for a second and nodded, making way for us to come in. I suddenly felt so out of place. I used to be able to walk into this house freely, but now it felt like it wasn’t even mine anymore, or that I never belonged.

Inside, it smelled of coffee and it looked the same, filled with familiar traditional furniture, Persian rugs, and subtle wallpaper on the walls. There were still a few pictures of me scattered throughout the house, mostly of when I was little.

We followed my dad into the kitchen. “Can I get you all something? Coffee?”

“Coffee sounds good. I haven’t had any this morning. Thank you,” Darren said.

“I’ll take some water.” My mouth was too dry for coffee.

“Who’s your friend, Christian?”

“This is Darren Wilson. He’s my boyfriend.”

As Dad poured coffee into a mug, he looked back at Darren, probably wondering about how different we were. Or maybe worse things. I tried not to think badly of my dad, but he wasn’t making it easy.

Dad put the mug on the kitchen table with some creamer and sugar, and then he poured me a glass of ice water. Before he sat down, he reached for Darren’s hand. “I’m Victor Mallory.”

Darren shook it back. “Nice to meet you, sir,” he grunted.

Thank god Darren didn’t pull a… well, a Darren and tell my dad off, allowing me to do it.

“Polite. Did you two meet in school? ”

“Yes, I was… what’s the word? Enamored with Christian the day I met him.”

Dad scrutinized him some more, but said nothing else about it. “What brings you to me, Christian? I thought we agreed we’d meet up later.”

I was suddenly hit with anger, my fear vanishing in a blink. He always told me that! “Later?! When would that be? Next month? Next year? Ten years from now?”

“Now, son, I thought you understood. I’ve been busy.”

“Busy with a new woman!”

I stood and fisted my hands at my sides, unable to look at him, fearful of seeing his face showing how much he really didn’t love me.

“You know what? You want to see someone else? Whatever. I don’t care. But you could’ve been honest. I’m not a child anymore, but I’m still your son. You’ve made me feel…”

I looked at Darren for strength. He nodded at me. “Go on, baby. Tell him.”

I finally found the guts to look at my dad. At least he had the decency to look guilty.

“You made me feel neglected. I thought we got along and that you accepted me as I was. But because of you, all that confidence I’ve been working on went out the window. I’m filled with doubts. Do you even love me? Did you ever?”

I was definitely going to be sick. Rarely did I ever talk back to my parents. I grabbed my water and chugged it down with a trembling hand, my heart feeling heavy in my chest.

There was a scrape on the floor as someone moved their chair. When I felt hands on my shoulders, turning me around, I’d expected Darren, but it was Dad.

“I’m such an asshole.”

He pulled me tight against him as the grief hit me. It was way more than I’d expected, and the tears let loose. I sobbed into his chest, smelling his familiar woodsy scent from his day-old cologne mingled with sleep and coffee.

“God, Christian, I’m so sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up in my life… Truth be told, I’ve been… feeling too guilty to see you and struggling to face your mother, afraid she’d told you what I’d done. It was easier to distract myself with work and everything else.”

I pulled away, wiping tears and snot off my face. He looked down at me with guilt-ridden hazel eyes and helped me wipe my tears. “I fucked up. Really fucked up. And I keep fucking up.”

“Y-you don’t hate me because I’m not ‘boy enough?’”

“No, son. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t care about that. This is about me and my shit.”

“What did you do?”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but I definitely needed to know.

His sigh was drawn out. “Let’s sit down and talk. I’ll tell you everything.”

I sat next to Darren, who grabbed my hand, and I appreciated his silence.

Dad took a sip of his coffee and set his mug down, holding it in both hands. “Your mother and I weren’t getting along at all. My career is demanding. Your mother worked quite a bit, too, but between us both, we didn’t see much of each other. Eventually, communication stopped, and we became two ships passing in the night. I’d grown lonely and bitter… I ended up cheating on her with a partner in my law firm.”

He sat up and stared at the ceiling, threading his fingers through his hair. I said nothing, processing his words while trying to sort through my rioting emotions. “It was only once, but one night, your mother and I were fighting, screaming at each other. You were sleeping over at your friend’s house. I threw it in her face, and that was the beginning of the end for us, which I’ve regretted since… telling her— and cheating, before you ask. I wasn’t into the other woman. It was a fling after too much drinking at an after-hours party. And instead of fighting for your mother, I let her go.”

I was suddenly angry again. “How could you? I… I don’t understand how you could do that. Then to ignore me after! You made it seem like it was my fault.”

“God, Christian, I never meant to make you feel bad. I’m so sorry. I just… didn’t want to see your disgust for me, and I was tired of seeing your mother’s resentment.”

“She never told me.”

He nodded, looking back at his coffee cup. “She’s better than I am. I recently started seeing a therapist to deal with the shitstorm I left behind. I just didn’t know how to tell you I couldn’t see you yet. And here we are, me failing again, forcing you to confront me because I can’t deal with my crap.”

I didn’t know whether to be happy he still loved me or pissed off that he destroyed our family. In all honesty, it would have ended regardless, but he didn’t need to cheat, either.

“Who was that woman? Is that the woman you cheated on mom with?”

He scoffed at himself. “God, no. I’d been so lonely over here during the holiday, missing you, but I couldn’t bring myself to get you, ignoring your mom’s angry calls, so I headed to a bar catering to those who didn’t have anyone in their lives. I just ran into her. It was nothing. I barely know her.”

I drank the rest of my water, trying to figure out where to go from here. I didn’t know what to expect, except this wasn’t it. If Darren hadn’t dragged me here, I would never have learned the truth. Maybe Dad would’ve come clean eventually, but maybe not.

“Christian, let me make it up to you. Let me fix this. Now that you know… there’s no point in cowering anymore. I think I would’ve told you eventually because I’ve been working on everything with my therapist, but you forced my hand, and honestly, I’m grateful for it. I’m not asking you to forgive me. Just… give me a chance.”

I felt a little better about all this, but he still chose his guilt over me. If I had a kid, I didn’t think I would back out of seeing them, no matter what.

“I can see by your face that you’re still upset with me. This was what I was afraid of, that you’d look at me differently or that you’d hate me for what I’ve done. You always looked up to me, and now… I get it. I don’t blame you, but I’m just asking you for a second chance to do better.”

God, I really wanted to. “If Darren hadn’t dragged me out here, would you have reached out to me?”

Dad quickly nodded. “Yes, down the road. It’s one of the reasons I’m in therapy.”

He abruptly stood up. “Wait,” he said, running out of the kitchen, returning a minute later, carrying a couple of wrapped presents. “These… were your real gifts. Not that shitty and thoughtless check.”

Dad put them on the table, and I opened the first one. I could tell it was a book. When I opened it, I realized, right then, what he said was true. He accepted me. The book was called A Queer History of Fashion: From the Closet to the Catwalk . I ran my hand over the cover and then flipped it open to see all the beautiful fashion trends from the queer community.

“I love it, thank you.”

“Open the other one.”

Inside the other box was a beautiful blouse in petal-soft pink that I held up. The sleeves were short, and it was tapered at the waist. What stood out was the bow around the neck, like a bowtie on men’s suits, but this was delicate.

“Uhm, the woman from the thrift store said it was from the 1950s. It’s called a wafer blouse because of its texture, which is like a wafer cookie. I thought it would look good with your hair. ”

“It would definitely look good on you,” Darren said. He’d been quiet for so long that I almost forgot he was there.

“Thanks.”

These were much more thoughtful gifts than the check. At least he thought about me when he bought the presents.

“Okay, Dad. I’ll give you a second chance. Even if you’re busy, I can be here. I don’t need babysitting.”

He quickly nodded. “I know. You got it. I’ll do better. I promise.”

Dad stood and opened his arms. I also stood and fell into his embrace. “Parents fail sometimes, Christian. We can fail as parents and fail as spouses. We’re not perfect, but I’m trying to do better.”

He sounded so much like Darren right then. If I could accept Darren, then I could accept my dad as long as he kept trying.

“I’ve told myself the same thing,” Darren said. “I struggled with not being so good for a while, but you have a wonderful and forgiving son, Mr. Mallory.”

Dad squeezed me tighter. “I know. Thanks for calling me out on my shit, son. I needed that.”

Darren and I sat cross-legged on my bed after we’d gotten back from seeing Dad. I swiped some dark blue nail polish over his thumb, giving it a couple of extra coats before moving on to his index finger, which would be yellow.

He never stopped surprising me, allowing me to paint his nails, although I chose our school colors so kids wouldn’t tease him about it.

“I haven’t said anything because I was letting you process, but how do you feel?”

I smiled up at him before going back to painting his middle finger blue. “Better now that I get to play with your nails. ”

Darren cupped my face with his free hand. “Seriously.”

“I’m still a little angry at my father, and I’m also a little angry at my mother for keeping secrets from me. I get it. They’re adults, and this is adult stuff. But I’m grown up enough to understand and process. Maybe if they’d been honest with me, Dad wouldn’t have needed to hide in shame, making our bond brittle and precarious. I feel like… I’ve got to start all over again with him. What do you think about all this?”

I grabbed the next finger and painted that one yellow.

“He seems like he’s sincere. He’s a fucking idiot, but I think he loves you. I think you made the right call to give him a chance, especially after those genuinely thoughtful gifts. You two will get through this, and I’m sure he’ll be better from here on out. At least he’s talking to someone.”

After I finished his other hand, I blew on his nails and then finished them with a glossy top coat. He held out his hands and looked at his nails. “I have stubby nails,” he said.

I snorted a laugh. “They’re fine. You play football and work on your truck a lot, so I wouldn’t assume they’d look manicured. I also like how we’re different. If you were like me or I was like you, we’d be boring.”

“We balance each other out.”

I smiled at him. “Exactly.”

I pushed Darren onto his back and straddled his thick thighs, hard as concrete underneath me, careful with his nails. “Can we try something?”

He looked at me wide-eyed, his green gems glittering with my fairy lights, and nodded.