Finding Love in Ivy Falls

Chapter Thirty-Five

TESSA

Olive Branch

Christmas Day announced itself quiet as a whisper. A small layer of snow coated the front and backyard. Miraculously, the girls were still asleep at seven a.m., leaving me enough time to catch my breath, have a quiet cup of tea and ready myself for the day.

We’d spent the night before with Beck and Torran at Huckleberry Lane. Piper, Isabel and Dad rounded out our group. The girls squealed with delight when Torran set up their gift in the backyard: a miniature soccer goal that they put to the test right away.

I plastered a smile to my face. Cheered when Iris sent the soccer ball straight into the net, even with Beck playing goalie. Inside though, I was aching. None of the scene felt right. Manny should have been chasing after the girls and Lou. Sitting next to me at the dinner table, brushing his fingers ever so lightly over my hand.

Sadly, I’d made my choice, and so had he. Billy’s arrival, his slow transition back into our lives, had sent what we’d been building off track. Lou almost getting hit by a car was only proof of how far things had spun out of control.

The plodding of small feet filled our bungalow. Iris appeared first, her auburn hair a tangle atop her head. Rose followed right after. They looked adorable in the matching red and green plaid pajamas Isabel gifted them last night.

I wasn’t expecting their muted behavior as they took seats at the table. For sure, I thought they’d come tumbling into the room, wondering what Santa Claus had left for them. Instead, Iris gave me a hopeful stare. ‘Are we seeing Mr Manny and Lou today?’

‘Lou asked Santa for a scooter,’ Rose added. ‘Can we go see her ride it after breakfast?’

My heart ached at the anticipation in their voices. They weren’t the only ones who were missing Lou and Manny. Before I could answer, there was a quiet knock at the door.

‘Is that Grandpa?’ Iris asked.

‘No. We’re supposed to see him later today.’

I tamped down the hope that one beautiful, slightly stubbled face would be waiting on the other side of the door. When I pulled it open, I did my best not to show my disappointment.

‘Mornin’,’ Billy chirped, his arms filled with presents covered in shiny silver and gold wrapping paper – which I was sure was courtesy of Mrs Vanderpool. Since his return, she’d taken Billy on as her pet project like he was a puppy that needed training, which, honestly, he did in many ways. ‘Look what Santa left at my place. Must have known you were both good girls this year. That you deserved extra.’

He gave me a hesitant smile as he crossed the threshold and walked into the family room where we had our small tree. He moved with a cocky glide, his body not so bony anymore. Had to be all the home-cooked meals Mrs Vanderpool kept leaving at his doorstep.

‘I thought we’d agreed that you’d come over later this afternoon for dinner,’ I said in a whisper.

‘Sorry, I couldn’t wait.’ He said without an ounce of regret. ‘Let me drop these off, give the girls a hug, and then I’ll go.’

‘Billy,’ I sighed as he laid the gifts onto the red and gold skirt surrounding the tree. He was buying the girls presents, and yet he still hadn’t paid a penny in child support.

As if he could read my mind, he said, ‘I have something for you too.’ He reached into the pocket of his black leather jacket and handed me a small white envelope. Inside sat three one-hundred-dollar bills. ‘I know it’s not much, but it’s a start. Really, Tessie, I want to do right by you and the girls.’

‘Thank you. Every little bit helps.’

‘I swear I’ll keep paying as much as I can.’ He reached out, brushed his hand over the top of mine, and I took a quick step back.

‘It means a lot that you’re finally taking your responsibilities seriously,’ I said, ignoring the way his stare stayed fixed on me.

The girls squealed and pointed out each gift tag that said their name.

‘Daddy!’ Rose grabbed his hand and yanked him toward her growing pile. Billy’s face grew into a wide smile. It was the first time she’d called him that since he’d been back.

The girls continued to scramble around the ridiculous mound of gifts. My dad had gone overboard this year. He’d told me in a quiet moment last night that he’d picked things he was sure my mother would have bought for the girls if she was still alive. It was impossible to argue with that and the way he beamed brightly as the girls watched him set their gifts around the tree.

It was Iris’ turn to show Billy her loot. She giggled and danced on her toes. Threw her arms around his waist for a big hug.

He glanced in my direction again. The joy on his face was clear as he returned her embrace. It’d been two years since the girls had a Christmas with their father. They deserved this special moment with him.

‘Want coffee?’ I asked.

‘Yes, please,’ he said before scooping up Rose and tickling her side, her delighted giggles filling the air.

In the kitchen, I set the machine to brew. The wind picked up. Winter frost rained down from the trees in a sparkling veil. A slow strum of notes said Billy had grabbed his guitar from the girls’ room. Now the three of them sang ‘Jingle Bells’ at full volume.

The scene should have made me happy, but my mind went back to Manny, wondering what he and Lou were doing this morning. How even as the girls crooned along with their father, the house still felt empty without them here.

In a flurry of hugs and kisses, Torran and Beck arrived at my house for our traditional Christmas dinner that I’d held ever since Mom passed. The girls tugged Beck back toward their room, anxious to show him the new books and toys they’d received from Billy.

‘How’s Beck doing? Still acting weird?’ I asked Torran.

She gave a small shrug. ‘He keeps saying he’s got a lot on his mind. I get it. We’re both really busy right now.’

As I worked on basting the turkey, Torran poured herself a glass of wine.

‘Number?’ she asked.

Since we’d lost our mom, we’d agreed to this check-in with each other, asking on a scale from one to ten how we were feeling. If we were having a particularly rough day, the number was low. On a good day, it could be in the high range. Tor even had the number eight tattooed behind her ear as a sort of goal for every day.

‘I’m about a five,’ I said.

Her mouth drooped. ‘I was hoping for higher.’

‘It’s hard, but I’m trying for the girls’ sake.’

‘It’s okay to miss him, you know.’

‘Tor, not today. All I want is to get through it. Not think about who will be missing from the table tonight.’

‘He told me about the Dairy Dip and the truck.’ She sucked in a low breath. ‘If the two of you would just sit down and talk—’

‘Stop. There’s too much going on, and the way he looked at me after Lou almost got hit…’

‘Hey.’ She reached for my hand, trying to calm the way I was trembling. ‘He doesn’t blame you for that.’

‘I keep seeing his face. The raw hurt and fear. It was like he could never forgive me.’

‘This is all going to pass, Tessa. Things will go back to the way they used to be.’

‘Can they though, with Billy here? He’s making such an effort with the girls, and the coffee bar is nearly done, but I’m still terrified it won’t be enough to save the store.’ The worry spinning through my brain was like a loud and unending scream. ‘I don’t have the bandwidth for much more, Tor.’

‘Maybe…’ She closed her mouth. Shook her head.

‘Maybe what?’

She pinned me in place with a steady look. ‘You could talk to someone again.’

I let loose a bitter laugh. ‘Yeah, maybe, but when would I have time for that?’

‘Let’s be clear about something,’ she huffed. ‘There are a dozen people in this town who would watch the girls. Help at the store if you needed it.’ The corner of her mouth twitched. ‘You could even ask Billy. He seems to be helping now.’

‘Wow. Was that you saying something nice about him?’

‘Let’s be real. I’m never going to forget what he did to you and the girls. But if anyone in this town gets the need for a redemption arc, it’s me.’

She tapped her finger slowly against the glass. A hint of blue paint still colored her skin.

‘I’ve been watching him these last weeks. Seen how he’s helped out Silvio. Hell, the other day I saw him taking Baby for a walk around the fountain. And you know how Mrs Vanderpool feels about letting that dog out of her sight for more than a minute.’ She took a slow sip of her wine, pressed her lips thin again. ‘There’s also no denying that Iris hasn’t complained of a stomachache lately.’

‘And Rosie has slept soundly through the night for the last few weeks,’ I admitted.

‘If he’s going to be back in our lives, I’m willing to accept it. But don’t think that he’s ever going to be off the hook for his past indiscretions.’ She chewed on her bottom lip. ‘What about you? How are you feeling about him?’

‘Conflicted, for sure.’ I reached out and took a large gulp of her wine before handing back the glass. ‘He’s slowly earning back my trust. When he says he’s going to pick up the girls at the store to take them to soccer practice, he arrives on time. He even gave me money today to help support the girls.’

Torran gave a firm nod. ‘As he should.’

‘It’s just…’ A part of me was too afraid to say what was on my mind.

‘Tessa, what is it?’ she pressed.

I closed my eyes. Pushed out the words that had been swimming in my head since I’d seen Manny at the Dairy Dip. ‘Do you think it’s odd that the weird incidents, the break-in, the rock at the P&P, nothing like that’s happened again since Billy’s been back?’

She took a beat. Tapped at the glass. ‘It’s odd, yes, but also maybe a coincidence.’ She gave a small shrug. ‘Look, I am the last one to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I also know that everyone in this town is a damn busybody. If anyone had seen Billy lurking around, they would have spoken up.’

It was a good point, so why didn’t it make me feel better?

The girls raced into the room and excitedly asked for a pen and paper.

‘What for?’ Torran asked.

‘We’re playing a game with Beck and keeping score,’ Iris said.

‘You should come and play too, Auntie Torran,’ Rose said, clasping her hand and dragging her forward.

‘All right,’ she said, taking the pen and paper from my outstretched hand. ‘Love you. Don’t worry so much.’ She smiled as Rose tugged her down the hall to the girls’ rooms.

I continued to baste the turkey, boil potatoes, needing a good distraction from my racing thoughts. A half-hour later, Isabel and Dad arrived. He wore his regular plaid Christmas bow tie, and Isabel had on a skirt that matched. It was her first Christmas with us, and I could feel the nervousness wafting off her as she set her bright red wool coat on the peg behind the door.

Dad leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. When there was another knock on the back door, his jaw clenched as Billy stepped inside, shaking small bits of snow from his hair that was starting to look normal after that terrible buzz cut.

He hung his leather jacket near Isabel’s coat, ignoring Dad’s stare. Billy had put in an effort, wearing dark-wash jeans and a gray Henley. He gave a nod of acknowledgement to Dad. They’d sort of grown into a mutual agreement that they’d tolerate being in each other’s space, but that didn’t mean they had to speak.

Billy walked to the cabinet under the sink, pulled out an apron, tied it around his waist, and said, ‘What can I do to help?’

Dad blinked twice, and Isabel smiled.

‘Drain the potatoes, please, and get started on mashing them,’ I said.

Much to his credit, Dad pulled out a colander from a lower cabinet and set it in the sink for him.

‘Where’s the hand mixer?’ Dad asked. ‘Might as well work together.’

The tense set of Billy’s shoulders relaxed. He’d always been afraid of my dad, but he’d also said more than once how much he respected him.

Dad grabbing the mixer from a lower cabinet, offering to work beside him, was as much of an olive branch as Billy was going to get.

When dinner was finished, and the girls tore through the last of their presents, Billy asked if we could talk outside.

I pulled on my white wool coat, and he grabbed his leather jacket and followed me. As we stood in the cold, our breaths turning into a misty fog, he said, ‘I want to talk to you about something important.’

‘Good. I want to talk to you about something too.’

He arched a brow. ‘All right, you go first.’

‘Tell me why you came back to Ivy Falls.’

‘This again?’ He had the nerve to act irritated. ‘Things were bad in Atlanta. I wanted to come back to my home. It’s that simple.’

‘Why return at night? Why come through the square if you were planning to sleep at a motel off the highway?’

‘Nostalgia, I guess. Wanted to see the spots where you and I had spent the most time. Holding hands by the fountain. Having our first kiss at the park when we were teenagers.’

‘And you hadn’t been back before then?’

His lips thinned. ‘I know what Manny is accusing me of, and the answer is no. The night of the accident was the first time I’d driven past the city line since I left.’ He looked me in the eye. ‘I swear, Tessie.’

The candor in his voice made me believe him.

‘Can we get past this now? Talk about the reason I asked you to come outside.’

‘Sure. Go ahead.’

‘These last weeks, being here with the girls…’ He paused. ‘With you , has made me do some major soul-searching.’

He took a gulp. Shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. The tic in his cheek warned what was coming. He was leaving again.

‘What I’m trying to say is that, well, I was hoping, praying really, that you’d take me back.’

I shook my head, not sure I’d heard him right.

He must have seen the confusion on my face because he quickly said, ‘We’ve been together practically our whole lives, Tessie. You know me better than anyone else. The forgiveness you’ve shown me, the way the girls are so much happier now, all of it is a sign that we’re meant to be together.’

I stayed mute, stunned, as he rambled on.

‘It’ll be easy. I can move back in. Take on more responsibility. You can focus all your time on the store. On the coffee bar. It makes perfect sense.’

He gave me a wide grin like he had it all figured out. Like he thought that somehow, in just a few weeks, I’d forgotten the pain he’d caused. The grenade he’d thrown into our lives at the worst possible time ever.

‘What do you say?’ He reached out and gripped my cold hand. ‘I love you. You love me. What happened to us was a blip. A bump in the road. We both made mistakes. But now we’re back on track and can be a family again.’

All my life I’d considered myself to be a kind, calm person. Someone who, even in the worst situations, could take a breath, take a beat, react rationally, but in this moment, the only thing filling my body was white-hot rage.

For months after he left, I’d gone without sleep. Held my girls as they sobbed at the loss of him. Confused about why he was at the table one night for dinner and gone the next. Since he’d returned, he’d made an effort to do better, but that didn’t erase the pain he’d caused. The days I’d lost to grief and anger. How every morning and evening I looked at his side of the bed and wondered what I’d done wrong. Tortured myself over what I could have said, or changed, about our relationship so he would have stayed.

Seeing him standing in front of me now, his face filled with expectation, there wasn’t an ounce of me that felt guilt or responsibility for what he’d done. He’d made his choices, and they were never about us.

I wrenched my hand away and took a firm step back. ‘We both made mistakes? Are you fucking kidding me?’

Even with my entire family inside, it was hard to temper my fury.

‘You think I can forgive and forget what you did to me? To the girls? How I had to mourn my mother alone while you were off screwing a waitress you met at the Pool and Brew? No,’ I seethed. ‘For months, I tortured myself. Wracked my brain over what I’d done to push you away. You’ve always been a selfish man who has never thought about his actions or how his choices affect those around him. The issues between us were never about me, Billy. All of that was YOU!’

‘Hey.’ His gaze moved to the house. ‘Keep your voice down. You don’t want the girls…’

‘Want the girls to what?’ I bit out. ‘Hear the truth about their father?’ I started to pace, even as the fire burned me from the inside out. ‘Let me make this clear to you. I may have let you back into our lives, but that was all for the girls’ sake. They deserve to believe that their father loves them. That he’d never do anything to hurt them. That is the only reason why I have put one of the most important things in my life on hold.’

‘So this is about Manny?’ he sneered.

‘We’re not talking about him right now. This is about you . How for years I swallowed down, tucked away, all the things I’ve wanted because I didn’t want to rock the boat or hurt you. I’m falling into that same pattern again, and I won’t let it happen. I’m not that small, scared girl anymore. You can be in our lives, spend time with Iris and Rose, but you and I are over for good.’

His skin went pale. The edges of his fingers trembled as he pulled the leather coat tighter around him. ‘I understand you perfectly, Tessie. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. If that means being with Manny, then I guess I get it.’

‘God, you don’t get it,’ I shot back. ‘I don’t need someone in my life to make me feel fulfilled. It’s taken me too many years to realize that the woman I am, the mother I’ve become, is a success in its own right. Never again will I need validation from anyone to feel worthy of recognition or love. My triumphs, my fails, will all be because I had enough confidence in myself, in my own judgment, to live a full and healthy life.’

His phone made a loud squawk. He glanced at the screen, his jaw going firm before he shoved it into his back pocket. ‘When I came here today, I thought for sure we were gonna get back together. I’m sorry I got it wrong.’

‘Stop apologizing, Billy. You need to realize the life you left behind here no longer exists. I’ve moved on. You should too. That means figuring out how you can be a solid and steady force for the girls. That is what matters.’

His shoulders wilted as he said, ‘I’m gonna head to Atlanta tomorrow. There’s a few loose ends I need to tie up. When I get back, I’d like to do as you say. Be that important part of their lives. Can I start by taking the girls to soccer practice on Fridays? Picking them up from school on a designated day?’

‘Yes, we can work something out.’

He gave a quick glance at the house before starting down the steps.

‘You aren’t going to say goodbye to Iris and Rose?’

He tipped his chin down, kicked at a frozen weed popping up on the sidewalk. ‘I need some time to think. Give them a kiss for me. Tell them “Merry Christmas”.’

I gave a small nod and let him do what he did best. Walk away.