Finding the Forward, Part One (HockeyVerse)

Chapter Twenty-One

Verity

T he sound of something being set down riffled through my consciousness, as did movement. Did I need to open my eyes? Nah. Grif had such a comfortable bed.

I reached out for him. His hand scooped me up and tossed me so that I laid across him. After we’d fucked a few more times, we’d showered off and climbed into his bed, naked. Showering with him was nice, since he made the best handrail.

The bed moved. Odd, since I was on Grif.

My eyes fluttered open. The room was lit by only the nightstand lamp. Dean crawled into the other side of the bed, stark-naked.

“Good date? The place smells divine. I’ll stay on this side of Grif, but feel free to make moves on me while I’m sleeping.” Dean added a saucy wink.

I blinked, like doing so would sweep away the cobwebs from my brain. Dean was naked. Like Grif, he had muscles galore and a nice, thick cock.

“Dean. What time is it?” Grif mumbled.

“One thirty. Verity, I put your phone and purse on the nightstand. Your clothes are on the chair. I left the rest in the living room. But I didn’t find your panties.”

I sat up. “One thirty? Whoops. I didn’t mean to stay so long.”

“Little Alpha, you're welcome to have a sleepover. I’ll even make breakfast,” Dean said sleepily.

“A sleepover sounds good to me.” Grif tried to cuddle me to him, but I rolled toward the nightstand and picked up my phone.

Mercy

Everyone went home. If you decide to have a sleepover, I can meet you by the hotdog cart outside of the center. I’ll be fine taking the metro by myself.

That was over an hour ago. I texted her back.

Me

Lost track of time. On my way.

“Kitten, you can stay. It’s late.” Grif tried to tug me back to the bed.

“I need to go.” I shook my head. While I longed to with the very depths of my soul, I had responsibilities.

His face fell and my heart broke. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy.

“As much as I’d love to stay with the both of you, I have to physically walk Mercy into the training facility each morning. At some point I’d love to have a sleepover,” I offered, saddened that it couldn’t be tonight.

“That would be amazing. Let me drive you home.” Grif sat up.

“It’s fine. I’ll order a car.” Given the late hour, I didn’t feel like taking the metro.

I got up. Oh, I felt that. My pussy got quite the pounding, and it was fabulous. I struggled back into my dress, not feeling like putting on my bra.

“There were no panties.” I shot Dean a coy look.

“Mmmm.” Dean came over and zipped me up. His fingers lingered on my skin, sending little ripples of heat through me.

It was hard not to look at his fit and naked body. If I did, this dress would come off, and I needed to get home.

“Grif has a thing about clothes in the bed. Are you sure you don’t want to stay? I’m a very good snuggler.” Dean’s hands ran down my bare arms.

“I’m sure you are, and I’m excited to have that opportunity one night.” Cuddling with the two of them sounded nice. But I hadn’t prepared to sleep over.

Grif got out of bed and threw on some boxers. “Let me at least walk you to the door.”

“See you tomorrow.” I gave Dean a peck on the cheek.

He enveloped me in a big hug. Stay, just stay. I pushed that back. No. Not tonight.

Giving myself a quick look in the mirror on the back of his door, I grabbed my purse and phone and slipped out into the dark hall...

... and ran straight into a chest. A broad chest.

“Who the fuck are you?” an unfamiliar voice growled as I caught the scent of vetiver.

“There you are, Pepperjack. This is Verity Thorne, the woman I’m seeing. Verity, this is my packmate, AJ Zaman. I’m so glad you can finally meet,” Grif said, flipping on the hall light, excitement in his voice.

AJ wore a suit, but it was more movie debonaire than businessman. His tie peeked out of his pocket. Sunglasses nestled in his dark, messy hair.

His brown eyes narrowed at me in disappointment. “Oh, fuck no. This Verity? No way.”

My heart fell to my stomach. I’d shrunk my world while in my PhD program to shield myself from the haters that had harangued me when I was at university.

“What did she do?” Grif put his arms around me, voice growing defensive as his scent soured.

“It’s what she didn’t do.” AJ scowled at me. “I know you were having a rough time of it. It wasn’t entirely your fault. But sometimes you have to do right when right’s due, even if it’s an inconvenience. They’re good people who were patient with you. You’re just another spoiled, entitled princess.”

“What are you talking about?” I met his gaze. While handsome, he didn’t look familiar. Still, I didn’t like the idea of disappointing someone. Clearly, he thought I’d done something wrong.

“Like you don’t know. Grif, while I want you to be happy, I’m not okay with this.” With a huff, he stormed off, then shouted over his shoulder, “You owe me three cows.”

A door slammed with a thud, rattling the hall.

Another door opened, and Jonas came out in only a pair of briefs, a puzzled look on his face. “What was that?”

“I have no idea. That’s not like AJ at all. Verity, what was he talking about? Have you met?” Grif asked.

“No, but...” I inhaled sharply.

You owe me three cows.

“Oh no. What if they didn’t get the cows?” My heart dropped. There was only one thing that could be.

Jonas and Grif trapped me in the hall with their bodies. Dean was still naked, and it was hard not to stare at Jonas’ beautiful tattoos. Especially the cranes on his chest.

“Why do you owe AJ cows?” Dean’s forehead furrowed in puzzlement.

It would be just like Baba, too. The only alpha dad of the parents enjoyed being heavy-handed. Especially with me. My soul broke a little.

“Let’s go into the kitchen.” Grif led me to a stool. “Do you want a drink? Coffee? Juice?”

“Beer?” Jonas opened the fridge.

“Please?” I caught the can he tossed at me, opened it, and drank half of it.

Grif took one as well. Dean made himself a cocktail.

“So? Cows. AJ. Not something I think goes together,” Dean said, taking a sip of the bright blue concoction.

“His sister’s pack owns a farm. We’ve been there many times.” Grif nodded.

“But what does that have to do with cows ?” Dean replied as he leaned into Jonas.

The pieces fit together in my mind. This hadn’t been how I’d imagined my date with Grif ending.

“When I was in undergrad, I got the head fútbol coach at Marquess University fired for being a creep after I awakened as an alpha. I didn’t mean to. I vented to the wrong person. Hazards of having professors for parents.” I took a long pull of beer. I regretted that. A lot.

“Oh. Did he hurt you?” Grif’s voice grew fierce, his scent sharpening.

“No, it was mostly inappropriate talk and looks. It made things awkward,” I told him, shrugging it off. I didn’t like to think about it.

“If he was being creepy with players, he should be fired.” Jonas took a sip of his beer.

“True. But I got a lot of hate from my team and the fútbol community because he was so highly regarded. He ran summer camps and had a family. He’d never do that. I should be able to put up with a little locker room banter. They turned me into the enemy and made my life awful.” I took another drink as if doing so would quell the voices echoing in my head.

Because I was yet another alpha bitch keeping the betas down.

“Then I had to make it worse by choosing to not go pro. Not only were people angry I’d thrown away my talent to get a PhD. They were also angry that since I didn’t even ‘bother’ to go pro, I should never have gotten the coach fired.” The ostracization had been a lot given I was used to being well-liked.

It had made those last few games awkward and had definitely affected our post-season. Everything was all my fault because I couldn’t simply ignore him. Also, my ex had helped fuel it. As had some of my teammates.

Pressing my face into Grif, I tried to ground myself in his rainy scent. “I had to stop using social media and deleted my accounts. People came to our house to both bother me and vandalize it. I almost didn’t go to Briar for my PhD since it’s Marquess’ sister school. One of the few things the alpha parents ever did for me was shut that down. Hard.”

Mostly, it was because my older brother was leaving for engineering school. They couldn’t have me gone, too. Who’d take care of the littles?

“That’s awful. I’m sure you had reasons to get a PhD instead of going pro. It’s no one's business, anyway.” Dean put his arm around me.

The thing was, I didn’t have a good reason other than I was a weak alpha. I’d also allowed the bullying to go too far because part of me figured that I deserved it.

“What does this have to do with AJ and cows?” Jonas prodded, taking a sip.

“One of my former teammates decided to teach me a lesson at a wedding we were attending. Which was held at this cute little farm in New York.” I flinched. “He meant to scare me, maybe injure me. What he thought was fireworks were explosives. While no people were severely hurt, there was property damage and livestock got loose and some were never found. Insurance wouldn’t cover the animals. I offered to replace them. I felt dreadful. The farmers were innocent. It never would’ve happened had I not complained about Coach.”

“Verity, look at me.” Grif took my face in his hand. “He’s a predator. You did the right thing.”

That’s what Creed told me, but it didn’t feel like it.

“I bought the sheep and chickens straight away, but had to take a modeling job to afford the rest. Cows are expensive–there were goats and bunnies, too. I was starting my PhD, and Baba said if I gave him the money, he’d handle it for me. I... I guess he didn’t. But I’m not calling him. No. I... I can’t believe he’d do that...” A tear streamed down my face. “Those poor farmers. I... I’ll make this right. I didn’t know.”

It broke my heart that they never got what I promised.

“Hey, easy there. I’m sure we will get this figured out.” Grif pressed me to him, his hands rubbing my back.

“What about the haters? Are you still being harassed? These are things we need to know, Verity. If someone’s after you, it affects everyone,” Jonas pressed.

“I don’t think so. It eventually died down. Some people still gossip, though.”

Grif pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“Why didn’t you go pro? I’m curious,” Jonas asked.

“It doesn’t matter.” My shoulders rounded. It was a huge mistake. One I was powerless to fight, powerless to change, and that I’d never escape.

“It does,” Jonas insisted.

My head snapped up and I scowled. “I’m a weak Alpha, okay. Too weak to even throw off her own parents’ bark. I don’t even have one. Now your packmate hates me, which is probably better because I don’t know if I can be alpha enough for Grif. I’m not good at being an alpha.”

All my insecurities came bubbling to the surface. Grif was a great person, and he deserved everything. I was just some silly girl who liked happy flowers, baking for people, and romance novels.

“Your parents did what? That’s not okay.” Dean whispered, snuggling me further.

No, it wasn’t. But I couldn’t do anything about it now.

“Hey, you’re alpha enough for me. AJ will come around.” Grif bundled me in his thick arms and smothered me with kisses.

“There’s no doubt that you care for him. But no, I’m not convinced.” Jonas leaned against the fridge, crossing his tattooed arms over his muscular chest as he eyed me.

“How could you say that?” Dean looked stricken and his scent soured, smooshing me between him and Grif.

“He’s right.” My shoulders slumped.

“See, she even agrees.” Jonas frowned at me.

“I never should’ve been an alpha. It ruined everything.” Fútbol. My relationships with the parents. My ex.

Well, that would've crashed and burned spectacularly, anyway.

“A real alpha would tell me I’m wrong.” Jonas gave me a challenging look.

Grif narrowed his eyes. “Back off, Jonas. You’re going too far.”

Jonas’ got very close to me. “Tell me I’m wrong, Verity.”

“You’re not.” Tears blurred my eyes.

“What the fuck? Don’t listen to him. It’s a misunderstanding and you’ll patch things up with AJ.” Grif shielded me from him with his body.

Jonas hit the counter with his hand. “Tell. Me. I’m. Wrong.”

“What do you want from me?” I sobbed as the kitchen filled with anger, despair, and alpha dominance.

“Leave her alone. Her parents were assholes,” Grif yelled.

“So were mine. We’re not our parents, Verity. It’s clear you never got the chance to grow into your alpha. But denying it won’t go well for anyone. Becoming the alpha you’re meant to be doesn’t mean becoming an alphahole. That’s a choice, not destiny. I know you won’t make that choice,” Jonas told me, authority oozing out in a way that made my shoulders round and my head dip.

“She’s good enough for us.” Dean’s voice was almost a whine as he held me closer.

Could I? When it came down to it, did I have it in me?

“I never said she wasn’t alpha enough. I said I wasn’t convinced she could be what you need,” Jonas added, throwing out so many alpha pheromones that if I wasn’t between Grif and Dean, I’d get on my knees and bow my head in submission.

“I thought you said her gentleness adds something to the pack.” Grif glowered at Jonas, squeezing Dean, who whined and pressed into me further.

“It can. But she also needs a backbone. If you want this to go someplace, I need to know that you can be strong when I need you to. The most important thing is that how can I believe in you when you don’t even believe in yourself?” Jonas’ eyes met mine, his dominance suffocating.

All the breath left me like a punch in the stomach. He had a point.

A painful point.

“Alpha up and convince me or end it before someone gets hurt. Also, if you can’t set things right with AJ, it will never work.” Without waiting for an answer, Jonas left the kitchen in a cloud of frustration.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit.” Dean shot a look toward the hall. “Come on, let’s all go back to bed.”

“I should go.” My voice shook. It wasn’t bullshit. It was something my older brother had been telling me for a while, but it was easier to ignore what I was.

Jonas was right. I was an alpha. Part of being in a pack, or a relationship, was protecting those you cared about. I was a liability, not an asset–and it had nothing to do with my stroke.

Dean made a pitiful omega whine that put all of my alpha instincts on alert, wanting to make the sad omega happy.

I wrapped my arms around him. “Dean, I can’t stay tonight. I’m sorry. It is not you, I promise. It’s not even Jonas or AJ. I didn’t plan on staying over and I have to take my sister to work in the morning.”

His lips pressed to mine, but unlike Grif’s kisses that were hungry and claiming, Dean’s kisses sought comfort and reassurance. I kissed him back, trying to let the omega in my arms know that I wasn’t rejecting him.

But if I wasn’t alpha enough for Grif, I certainly wasn’t enough for him.

Grif stood at my back, arms around the both of us. I found myself in a hot hockey sandwich, as both of them took turns kissing me. My toes curled and I very much wanted Dean to unzip my dress and Grif to carry me back into the bedroom.

“If you won’t stay, at least let me drive you home. Please?” Grif cupped my cheek with his hand when our kisses broke off.

“I’d like that.” I let him help me off the stool. Grabbing my crutch, I put on my shoes while he got dressed.

Dean still looked heartbroken, but staying wasn’t an option. I also couldn’t get AJ’s words out of my head. You owe me three cows. Not to mention Jonas’ ultimatum.

Was it even worth it? Should I even try? Life wasn’t a fairytale.

Dressed in sweats, he took my hand as we got into the elevator.

“Good night, Dean.” I waved as the doors closed.

Grif held me to him. “Promise me that was not a goodbye kiss. Tell me that we will work this out together.”

I flinched. That meant he believed we had something to work out.

We did.

“Hey, none of that.” Grif peppered my face with little kisses. “I think you’re perfect for me. Would I like to see you more comfortable in your own skin? Yes. But I also know that’s a product of your upbringing, and it’ll take some time.”

“I know. But AJ hates me and there’s no way we can move forward if one of your pack members disapproves. Not to mention Jonas...” I looked away and sighed.

He tipped up my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. “AJ and Jonas don’t know you. We’ll work on it. Together. You can still be a good alpha and not get rid of all the things that make you special. Being a different sort of alpha is an asset—and exactly what I need. Also, you have to prove your parents wrong. If you don’t, they win. In this pack we don’t let the assholes win.”

My lips met his, my heart needing those words like oxygen. As we kissed, those words trickled through my blood, giving me the wherewithal to stand up for myself.

“That should be your pack motto,” I told him. We don’t let the assholes win. That needed to go on the lock screen of my phone.

“It is. Dean wanted to add it to our pack tattoos, in Gaelic, but was outvoted,” he chuckled.

The doors opened. My arm wrapped around his waist as we walked to his car. He helped me in and we drove off toward my place. This time, he put on the music, a rock song playing softly.

“Promise me you’ll fight for us? I’ll be here beside you.” His fingers entwined in mine, the other hand on the wheel.

“I’ll fight for us. It might take some time, but I will.” I squeezed his hand back. The idea that I could be right for him, for them, gave me hope.

They’re all I ever wanted.

“Good. I’ll fight for us, too,” he told me. “It’s Jonas’ job to question, to push, to look out for the pack. He isn’t saying you aren’t right for us. You’re perfect just the way you are. He’s just trying to poke out those bits that are beyond incredible. Like the one that calls him Alpha Jonas with a smirk and hides cupcakes in my locker. The one who gives fruit roll blow jobs.”

It was going to hurt, but it was time for me to face this head on. Especially if I wanted to be with Grif. Which I did, more than anything.

But first, I needed to buy some cows.