First Surrender (Chance Encounters #3)

Chapter Forty-Two

Natalie

M y hand wipes the counter down on autopilot, my brain too preoccupied to pay attention to the task. This aching in my chest is too distracting to pretend to be okay.

Dec can even tell something is wrong and has steered clear of me for most of the afternoon. He’s watching a movie in the living room, only braving the kitchen long enough to grab a snack and retreat.

I’m furious with Jackson. I’m hurt. He completely shut down and shut me out without giving me a chance to communicate with him. Then he was gone all night doing who knows what. He’s the one who thawed my cold dead heart and now he wants to stomp on it.

I’m back in limbo. If things are over with Jackson then we’ll be back on our own. I’ll have to start looking for an apartment and still be able to afford my attorney.

He convinced me that I was safe here and I was stupid enough to believe him. All it took was one hard conversation and the life he promised me is blowing up in smoke. I’ve turned into my mother despite my hatred of the life she gave me.

I’m so fucking stupid.

That thought nearly makes me sob. I hide the noise behind my hand so Dec doesn’t notice.

“Jackson’s home,” Dec announces from the couch. He’s only been gone an hour and I wasn’t prepared to see him again so soon. The ache in my chest deepens, spreading to the depths of my stomach.

The front door flings open quickly as he comes running through it. “Dec, I’m sorry but you’ll want to close your eyes,” Jackson says, closing the distance between us.

“What? Why?” Dec starts to ask but immediately gags as Jackson takes my face in his hands and kisses me brutally.

My body is stiff as he holds me, my lips don’t respond to his right away, but it only takes a second to forget my worries. My whole being melts against him, reciprocating his embrace, forgetting that I’m mad.

“Can you guys stop being gross?” Dec shouts from under a pillow and my body freezes again.

What the hell am I doing?

I shove Jackson away from me and wipe his kiss off my face, glowering at him with all the pissed-off nerve endings in my body. His eyes are sorrowful, but gazing back at me with intensity.

“Dec, Jackson and I need to discuss grown-up things. Do you want to stay out here or go to your room for a bit?” I ask him, continuing to glare at Jackson.

He thinks he can act how he did and then come back like nothing happened. As if.

“My movie is almost over,” Dec says, dismissing us. I stomp to Jackson’s room and wait as he slides past me. I shut the door quietly even though I want to slam it and spin on him, ready to bite his head off.

“You’ve been visiting my mom?” He asks and it halts the argument I had ready on my tongue. That’s not what I expected him to say.

“Yeah. Since I moved in. I’ve been taking her lunch.”

“And, a baby doll?”

My heart skips. I hoped he wouldn’t find out about that. “I bought it for her after I found out I was pregnant. I thought… I don’t know. Maybe one day if we showed up with a baby it wouldn’t be so hard on her. Obviously, it doesn’t matter now.”

“It matters. All of it matters.” He steps forward to embrace me but I put my hand up to stop him. I’m not ready to pretend like things are okay. They’re not.

“Are you kicking me and Dec out?” I ask, unable to look at him.

“What? No.”

“Jackson, don’t play dumb. What the fuck is going on? You ran out on me and didn’t come home. I waited up all night for you. Then you came home and couldn’t be bothered to look at me.”

“I didn’t go see anyone else, Natalie. I was in my office. I promise on my life.”

“I had already convinced myself that any of my doubts were because of my own insecurity, that you wouldn’t do that. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt despite my brain telling me to hex you but you were gone for so long. Then you came home and it didn’t seem like you cared. What the hell am I supposed to think?” I thump down on the bed, exhausted, with my head in my hands.

Every man in my entire life has mistreated me, I can’t convince myself that Jackson would be any different.

“You’re supposed to think that I’m a dumb ass. I panicked and ran because I didn’t know how to handle my thoughts. It was never about you, not really. Only that I know you and Dec are too good for me.”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “The custody hearing is in a few weeks. All I could think about is walking into that courtroom and admitting to the judge that I was wrong. I don’t have any support because you walked out on me. I promised that would never happen to me and it happened. You walked out on me and Dec.”

He shakes his head in response but I can hardly look at him. “I went in and did paperwork. I made you and Dec my beneficiaries. I updated my will. Liv helped me verify all of it this morning.”

My head snaps to his as he gets on his knees in front of me. “What?”

“If there is any chance that something happens to me, I want you to get everything. Whether I get sick one day or die in the line of duty, I want you and Dec taken care of.”

“Jackson, what the fuck?”

“I understand if you don’t want to be with me because you might have to take care of me one day. I’d never ask you to, but I want to take care of you.” His eyes are soft and pleading but his face is lined with worry.

“We’re not married, we’re not even… I don’t know what we are. What if you change your mind? What if you find someone else?” He could find a beautiful, perfect woman someday. Anyone other than me.

“Natalie, if it’s not you, it’s no one. I don’t want anyone else and I never will. It’s you, it’s always going to be you.” He grabs my hands in his, kissing them.

My mouth is opening and shutting but I can’t make any words come out. “How can you be so sure?”

“I don’t want to live without you, I can’t, but if you never want to see me again, I’d leave. I’d give you the house,” he says with all the sincerity in his large body, cupping my cheeks gently. “You and Dec never have to leave. You’re home, sweetheart.”

“Jackson…”

“It’ll be official before court. The house will be in your name, it’ll be permanent. Just say you’ll forgive me. I know I fucked up by leaving last night, but give me a chance to make it up to you.” He buries his head in my lap with his arms wrapped around my legs and I can’t breathe.

I never expected this. Any of it. I don’t want him to give me the house as a bartering chip. All I want is him.

This big, giant, bonehead.

“Jackson. Look at me.” He doesn’t move. “Please.”

His head tilts up to look at me and his tired, sad eyes, watch me warily. “You know, don’t you? The power that word has over me.”

“You’re the only person I ever say please to. You’re the only one who has ever respected me enough to listen when I say it,” I tell him truthfully.

“It’s more than that, sweetheart. I respect you, care about you, and I-” He pauses and laughs softly. “I worship the ground you walk on. I’ll do anything for you but don’t ask me to leave you alone. Not yet. I’m not ready for you to be done with me.” He holds my face to his and I grasp his hands in mine. For the first time ever, I see terror in the depths of his honey eyes. And, genuine regret.

“Then promise me that you won’t walk out on me again. Not like everyone else has.”

“I won’t walk out ever again. I promise.” He states with confidence and I believe him. Somehow I still believe him despite how he made me feel these last twenty-four hours because I think I knew this was different.

He’s only human, he’s not perfect, and his fear was real.

“Watching you leave last night was unbearable because… I want this. I want to be with you,” I admit with painful vulnerability. Even though I trust him, saying the words out loud terrifies me.

His eyes shut, squeezing tight while he chokes on a breath. “That’s all I’ve wanted to hear for so long. You can’t even imagine how much I want a life with you, but what if- If I get sick…”

“If you get sick then I will take care of you because I-” I hesitate, my words getting caught in my throat. “You aren’t going to get sick. What happened to your mom is hard and sad, but just because she got sick doesn’t mean that you will. You can’t live your life thinking it’s already over.”

“It’s not about my life, it’s about yours. I can’t ask you to take on that responsibility. It’s too much. You’re only focus should be Dec,” he admits, softly.

“Stop making my decisions for me!” I demand, yanking his face closer to mine by his hair. “I can handle whatever life throws at me, I always have. I’m choosing this. I’m choosing you, so get over it.” I kiss him hard, erasing any argument, and he doesn’t hesitate to kiss me back.

His body crowds between my thighs where I’m sitting on the bed, allowing no space between us. His arms wrap tightly around me as if he’s afraid to let me go.

“Jackson, can I order the new Batman movie?!” Dec yells through the door, knocking erratically.

The interruption bursts the seriousness of our bubble and it makes me laugh against Jackson’s cheek.

“Yeah, buddy. Go ahead.” He rocks back on his heels and looks at me with amusement. This is our life now. If he wants to be a part of mine, this is what it will be, but he doesn’t look put off in the slightest.

“You know, I brought you back here because I didn’t want to kill you in front of Dec. Our first real fight and I barely got to yell.” I pout making him smile.

“We’ve fought a lot if you don’t recall all those months you couldn’t stand me. I’m positive you’ll have plenty of opportunities to try to kill me, sweetheart.” He grins at me, not at all worried by the words he just spoke.

“I think you should get used to this as part of the groveling process then because I expect to win every fight, fairly.” I spread my knees farther apart, drawing his gaze right between my thighs and I watch his eyes darken.

“Did you lock the door?” He asks while leaning in to kiss my bare knee. Then the other one, sliding his lips higher and higher with each kiss.

“Of course, I locked it. I thought I was coming in here to punish you,” I say breathlessly as he buries his face against my center. His fingers grip the waistband of my shorts and expertly tugs them off, leaving me bare.

“This is not a punishment at all.” He swipes his tongue over me, making me moan quietly. It’s going to take all of my strength to stay silent.

With one hand wrapped around my thigh, he spreads me open and attacks my clit with his tongue while his other hand finds my entrance. Two of his fingers fill me, rubbing my insides while he laps at my pussy.

The way he enjoys me is the way he enjoys my food. He’d rather eat than come up for air and I am incredibly grateful for his eagerness.

My fingers curl into the top of his hair, pulling it tightly at the roots and I hope it hurts. He’s a big boy, I know he can take it. This is supposed to be punishment after all.

I grind roughly against his face and his fingers, trying my best to keep my loud mouth shut. He doesn’t mind as I yank him closer, his arm wrapped around my leg is holding me just as closely as I start to squirm.

It’s only a few minutes before I’m feeling the build-up of my orgasm and he hooks onto me harder, not letting me go anywhere. The repetitiveness of his tongue on my clit and the deep pleasure of his fingers inside of me is too much. With every breath, I’m one wave closer to a full-blown tsunami.

“Jackson, I can’t stay quiet. I can’t,” I whisper as best as I can.

“Bite a pillow, I’m not stopping until you cum all over my face,” he insists gruffly, diving right back in and ignoring my distress. Thank God because I need this. I need to let go of all my pent-up frustration from the last twenty-four hours.

It’s his fault after all, so I cover my face with a pillow and continue grinding harder against him. Fucking his face while he’s on his knees for me, worshiping me like he claims that he does.

I’m so close, but the final wave I need to crest is too intense. I need it more than I need anything but my brain is overriding my body. I feel like I’m going to explode and my mind is telling me it’s a bad thing.

“Give it to me, Nat,” he begs, driving his fingers into me and attacking my clit while he holds me taut with his other hand pressed against my lower stomach.

That’s all it takes before I’m screaming into the pillow and seeing stars.