Fix You (The Irish Rogues #3)

Chapter Five Maeve

A lways a man of his word, Dare danced through several jigs with me. As much as I hated to admit it, I actually enjoyed myself. At least in the beginning. It was a way to get my mind off of my earlier conversation with Kellan and Eamon.

But with more and more people closing in around us, the familiar feelings of panic began to rise within me. I decided to feign hunger and escape from the dance floor. Thankfully, Dare didn’t make a big deal out of it. After grabbing some champagne and a plate of food, I chose one of the back tables. Although I was slightly hidden, I still had a good view of everyone.

As I dug into my braised pork, I watched Mam lead Caterina around to make introductions with all our relatives and friends. Even after I’d cleaned my plate and downed my champagne, Mam was still leading poor Caterina around. I could tell from her body language how uncomfortable she was. Thankfully, Callum appeared to put her out of her misery.

Leaning back in my chair, I watched as he took her to the dance floor. As they melted against each other, I battled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy. Maybe I needed to ask Callum to arrange a marriage for me. After what happened with Oisin, all of my brothers swore they’d never force me into a marriage.

But as I looked at the two of them dancing so effortlessly together, I wondered if maybe that was what I needed. It would certainly take away the pressure to find someone. Of course, they’d have to be told about my past.

Wrinkling my nose, I realized it would never work. I would be seen as damaged goods on the marriage market, so whatever man would agree to take me wouldn’t be the Knight in Shining Armor I envisioned.

Once Caterina and Callum finished their dance, my uncle Seamus stood before the band with a glass of champagne in his hands. To my surprise, Eamon appeared at my side with a fresh flute of champagne.

“Thanks,” I said with a smile.

With a wink, he replied, “You’re welcome, sis.”

He pulled me against him to wrap an arm around me. I then leaned my head against his shoulder.

“Good evening to all my friends and family!” Seamus said into the microphone. His words sent a roar up over the crowd. “We’re so happy that you all could make it on such short notice to celebrate the nuptials of Callum and the lovely Caterina!”

Eamon joined in with the appreciative whistles and catcalls. When I elbowed him, he asked, “What?”

“That’s your sister-in-law you’re whistling about.”

He grinned. “But she is lovely. Very lovely.”

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. “Men.”

The attention from the crowd had caused Caterina to flush from her cheeks down her neck. Waggling his brows, Seamus continued on. “Before we all get plastered out of our fecking minds, let’s go ahead and raise our glasses in a toast to the new couple.”

As Seamus paused to reach for his glass, Eamon and I held ours up. “ Comhghairdeachas agus le dea-ghui to Caterina and Callum!”

“ Comhghairdeachas agus le dea-ghui!” Eamon and I echoed before downing our champagne.

When I turned to put my glass on the table, Eamon and the other men began chanting, “Phóg sé í! Phóg sé í!”

Caterina paled slightly at the remark, causing Callum to lean over to explain that they were telling him to kiss her. When she realized what they were asking, her face turned crimson. The next thing I knew Callum was jerking her against him. After sharing a few words, Callum ducked his head and brought his lips to hers.

The crowd once again went wild clapping and whistling. In the end, I couldn’t help clapping myself because it was quite a performance. When they finally pulled apart, they were both breathing heavily.

“Cal’s met his match, hasn’t he?” Eamon remarked with a grin.

“I think so,” I mused.

One of Caterina’s brothers appeared then and asked to dance with her. A laugh bubbled from my lips when Callum laid another big kiss on Caterina, which I’m sure was just to get a rise out of her brother. When Caterine and her brother started dancing, other couples returned to the dance floor.

Eamon and I sat back down at the table. He looked bored to tears, which I’m sure had something to do with the fact there were no loose women for him to hit on. Even at sixteen, he was already a terrible womanizer like my other brothers.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t help staring longingly at the couples. More than anything, I wanted to be out there dancing. But no one would dare approach me to dance. Although some would claim it was out of fear of pissing my brothers off, I knew the real truth.

They didn’t want to dance with me because I was tainted and broken because of my rape.

So I would be forced to watch from the sidelines while others experienced life and love.

I was so entrenched in my sadness that I didn’t realize Callum was standing in front of me. He held out his hand to me. "May I have this dance?”

In my sour mood, I merely rolled my eyes. “I don’t want a pity dance, Callum.”

"Why would I dance with my baby sister out of pity?”

I shot him a pointed look. “You know why.”

With a grimace, he eased down in the chair beside me. "I’m sorry, love. If there was any way I could take away your pain, I would.”

"I know.” And it was the truth. Callum wasn’t just shooting me a line. He’d proven to me he meant every word when he’d tortured and killed Oisin.

But despite what he could offer physically, there was no way he could soothe the emotional hell I was mired in. “I just want to be a normal girl. Not poor, broken Maeve.”

“We don’t look at you that way.”

I blinked at Callum. For a usually emotionally intelligent man, how could he be so blind? “But you do. All of you do.” As my brothers’ haunted faces flashed before my eyes, one remained. Swallowing hard, I thought of Kellan’s and my meeting earlier. “Kellan still can’t look at me without tears in his eyes.”

“He’s wracked with guilt.”

My heart truly ached for Kellan’s trauma. With his empathetic nature, I knew the pain he carried wasn’t just about what he’d been forced to do that night, but what I’d had to endure as well. "I know he is, just as much as I know there was absolutely nothing he could’ve done that night.”

Not once had I ever harbored one iota of blame towards Kellan and Eamon. Mam’s life had been at stake as well as theirs. It would’ve been far more agonizing if I’d lost Mam or one of my brothers. I would’ve ended it all had they been taken from me.

Shaking my head, my voice lowered to a whisper. “My rape is the first thing everyone thinks when they see me.”

"Maeve–”

"It’s okay, Callum. The only time it matters is when I’m back with the family. At school, no one knows any of it. I can just be me without the baggage.”

He sighed. “I’m so fucking sorry, love. Once again, I mean it when I say if there’s anything I could do–”

“You already went above and beyond for me, Cal.”

Although I knew Callum had murdered our father for me, he'd never openly admitted it. I imagined he worried that I would feel guilty for being the cause.

But I didn't.

My father deserved a much more torturous death than he'd received. His sins didn't begin the night he'd allowed Oisin to rape me. He'd emotionally and physically abused his wife and children for years. He’d earned days–if not weeks–of arduous torture.

In the end, Callum didn't have the time to give my father what he truly deserved. Rather than facing a coup with my father's men, he'd put a bullet in my father's head. The only consolation I got was that my father had looked Callum in the eyes and knew in his final moments he was going to die by his son’s hand.

When he'd come to the hospital that night to see me, he'd promised me he was going to give Oisin a slow, tortuous death. I’d bit my tongue to keep from asking him to give me the details. It wasn’t until about six months later when Eamon got ridiculously drunk, that he spilled the story of what had happened during Oisin’s torture.

The girl I was before the rape would’ve never been able to handle the gruesome details of the beating, the stabbing, and the dismembering.

But the new Maeve could.

She held onto every word of how they’d stripped Oisin naked before stringing him up with steel chains. After experiencing the excruciating agony of burning, Quinn had spent hours using a blowtorch all over Oisin’s body. To his raw and charred skin, Eamon beat Oisin with a belt while Dare had used a Cat-O’-Nine’s Tail, leaving him with bloody whelps among the exposed flesh.

Every time it looked like their beatings and stabbings might end his life, they'd pumped him full of adrenaline to keep him going. He begged for mercy for over twenty-four hours, but he never received it. Despite his usual aversion to torture, Kellan delivered the final blow by castrating Oisin and letting him bleed out.

Callum squeezed my hand, bringing me out of my dark thoughts. "I’d burn the world down for you if you asked me.”

In that moment, I not only experienced the warm glow of my brother’s devotion, but I also felt the sharp sting of envy. More specifically, I couldn’t help feeling a little envious of Caterina.

To imagine having such devotion within the confines of a relationship was overwhelming. What would it feel like to have a man who wasn’t your blood be willing to do anything in the world to make you happy? Even though they’d just been married a week, Callum had already shown me he was willing to do for Caterina the same things he’d do for me.

Despite the tears stinging my eyes, I smiled at Callum. “You know your devotion and adoration has ruined me for any future men.”

With a laugh, Callum replied, “Just know that whoever you choose will have to answer to the five of us.”

I rolled my eyes. “Like any man in his right mind will ever want to take me up on that.”

At that moment, Caterina’s oldest brother, Raphael, strolled up to our table. Normally, the sight of a strange man caused me to recoil in either fear or disgust.

But there was something different about Raphael.

Something that made long dormant parts of my body stand up and take notice.

Something unnerving.

We had yet to be formally introduced. From out of the corner of my eye, I’d watched earlier in the evening as Caterina pointed me out to him. Unlike my own brothers who would do business with the Nerettis, Callum hadn’t deemed it necessary to make any introductions.

As I’d sat alone at the table, I couldn’t keep my eyes off Raphael Neretti. Of course, I’d had to be secretive about it. Especially since he seemed to keep making eyes at Careen. I guess I couldn’t blame him since the dress she was wearing barely contained her boobs or covered her ass.

I couldn’t help feeling jealous of the way he’d been looking at her. Like he wanted to devour her. More than anything in the world, I wanted a man to look at me like that.

It didn’t hurt that he was one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen. His jet-black hair was swept back on the sides in a ponytail and hit just at his chin. Like my brothers, he was impossibly tall, and even though I was 5’9, I would still have to look up at him. His bulging muscles strained under the fabric of his white, designer shirt.

While his brothers were equally attractive, Raphael possessed something different than them. Maybe it was the charisma he possessed as the oldest and future leader. From watching the three of them, Raphael’s energy reminded me a lot of Callum’s while Leandro’s appeared like Dare and Eamon’s while Gianni appeared a cross of Kellan’s sweetness and Quinn’s stoicism.

A genuine smile lit up Raphael’s face. “I noticed your beautiful sister wasn’t dancing, and I thought I would ask for her hand.”

Before I could respond, Callum shook his head. “She doesn’t care to dance.”

Rafe’s dark eyes regarded Callum coolly before he flicked his gaze to mine. “Is that true, Ms. Kavanaugh?”

I opened my mouth to argue that despite my fears of strange men and judgmental stares, I most certainly would like to dance, especially with Rafe, but Callum cut me off. “I’m the head of her family, so I speak for her.”

“She is of age, is she not?”

“Aye, but the answer is still no.”

“Callum, stop,” I interjected.

Rafe’s expression darkened. “Your refusal insinuates that I’m not good enough to dance with your sister.”

“It has nothing to do with you.”

He raised a brow. “I’d love to believe that. But one might argue with your prior behavior towards my sister, you give me reason to believe that despite today’s meeting, you do not respect me or my position.”

“I don’t give a shite what you believe,” Callum growled.

With his jaw clenching, Rafe spat, “Perhaps we should settle this outside.”

“If that’s how you want to handle it.”

I had to stop this. I couldn’t let a fight break out over me. Especially not when it wasn’t warranted. Whatever tenuous alliance had been made between the Kavanaughs and Nerettis couldn’t be ruined by Callum’s overprotectiveness. I couldn’t let my father and Oisin win yet another time.

Without stopping to think of the repercussions, I shot out of my chair. My heart thrummed wildly in my chest as I thrust my hand out to Raphael. A swirling mixture of fear and excitement slightly choked off my air.

In the end, I murmured, “I would love to dance, Mr. Neretti.”

Both Rafe’s and Callum’s eyes popped wide. In any other situation, I would’ve found their dual reactions comical. But I kept my amusement to myself.

Once he’d recovered from his initial surprise, Rafe gave me a smooth smile, which caused my heartbeat to break into a mad gallop. “Please call me, Raphael or Rafe,” he instructed.

“I’m Maeve.” Warmth flooded my cheeks at the realization that he probably already knew my name from Caterina pointing me out. I quickly tacked on, “Just in case you didn’t know.”

Rafe and I stared at each other for a moment. The music and conversation became muted as I felt an invisible force binding me to him. Like we were the only two people on the whole rooftop. It caused my feet to feel rooted to the marble floor. My mind screamed at my feet to begin working. Finally, I lumbered forward.

As I started around the table to meet Rafe, Callum grabbed my free hand. When I stared at him in surprise, he said, “You don’t have to do this.”

“It’s okay.” When he continued searching my eyes, I squeezed his hand. “I’m fine, Cal.”

A moment passed before he gave a quick jerk of his head and let go of my hand. It was such a small gesture, but one I realized meant so much more. A relieved breath wheezed out of me that somehow my act of courage had doused the fiery animosity between Callum and Rafe.

With a gentle tug of my hand, Rafe began leading me to the dance floor. Besides my brothers and bodyguards, I’d never held a man’s hand. While Rafe’s strong grip didn’t surprise me, the gentle feel of his fingers against mine did. The hardened, calloused feel of his palms told of how much he used them. Like my brothers, Rafe’s hands were used to maim and torture. It was such a juxtaposition to the tender way they held my own hand.

When he turned to face me, he loomed over me. As my gaze trailed up his broad chest to his face, I swallowed hard. With my bravado waning, I wondered what I’d gotten myself into. Since my rape, not one single male outside of my family had touched me. Raphael might’ve been Caterina’s brother, but he was still a stranger to me.

A stranger who at the moment was sliding one wide hand across my waist to rest on my lower back. As he began to pull me flush against him, I struggled to breathe. A reel of images from that horrible night ricocheted through my mind, causing my throat to close off.

No, no, no! Not now.

Not in Raphael’s arms.

Not in front of all these people.

I couldn’t bear the humiliation and degradation if I had a panic attack now. Pinching my eyes shut, I desperately tried shutting off my torturous mind. I reached out for Dr. Leighton’s coping strategies, furiously trying to ground myself in the reality of the moment and not the nightmare of the past.

You’re in Raphael’s embrace.

He isn’t Oisin.

He isn’t going to hurt you.

Inhaling a harsh breath, I forced Raphael’s smell into my nose–sandalwood mixed with mint along with a slight tinge of tobacco. Nothing like the leathery cigar smell that had permeated Oisin.

He isn’t Oisin .

Although both men were tall, Raphael’s body against mine felt as hard as steel. Nothing like the doughy flesh around Oisin’s chest and stomach.

He isn’t Oisin.

Raphael’s embrace was respectful. His hands were not sliding along my body.

He isn’t Oisin.

He wasn’t forcing himself between my legs.

He wasn’t ripping my innocence from me.

He wasn’t destroying me.

At the sound of his voice, I jumped. “Look, I get it if you were just trying to diffuse the situation.”

I blinked at him in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“We don’t have to dance if you don’t want to.”

I jerked my gaze from his chest to stare into his warm onyx-colored eyes. “Why do you think I don’t want to dance with you?”

One corner of his lips quirked up. “Because you’re about as tense as a statue.”

Heat flooded my cheeks. “I’m sorry. This is just new for me.”

“Dancing with a man outside of your clan? Or dancing with a man, period?”

“Um, well–”

He winced. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Maeve. I shouldn’t have pressed dancing with you. I let my ego get the best of me when your brother refused my invitation.”

I shook my head. “No, no. It’s not like that. He’s just ridiculously overprotective.”

“Trust me, I get it.”

“You do?”

Rafe nodded. “Even though you’re Irish, we’re really not that different. Many families like ours want their women untouched. Even something as simple as a dance with a strange man can be seen as tainting them.” He grimaced. “The last thing I would ever want to do is taint your honor, Maeve.”

I stared intently into his face. There was no pity. No disgust. He still saw me as honorable, not soiled or broken. Was it possible that Raphael had no idea what I’d been through?

Shaking my head, I shook myself from my thoughts. “You haven’t tainted me,” I argued. At Rafe’s continuing look of concern, I smiled. “Besides, you aren’t a stranger–you’re my inlaw.”

He returned my smile. “I suppose you’re right.”

More than anything, I wanted somehow to convey to him how much I wanted to be in his arms at that moment. “Despite what you might’ve thought about my posture, I really am glad to be dancing with you.”

His smile broadened to reach his eyes, causing my stomach to flutter. He was even more handsome when he smiled. Maybe it was because it changed his whole demeanor. “I’m so glad to hear you say that.”

He stared intently into my eyes. For a moment, I saw a storm of indecision swirling in them. And then he appeared to override whatever hesitation he’d had. “When I saw how much you wanted to dance, I couldn’t get to you fast enough to ask you to dance.”

His words caused a dizzying flurry of emotions to crash over me. How could he have possibly known I wanted to dance? I thought he had come over just to be polite. Or maybe to get back at Callum for the kiss he’d shared with Caterina.

Slowly, I shook my head back and forth. “But how could you have possibly known that’s what I was feeling?”

“I saw the longing in your eyes.”

Once again, my head swam with his words. Men were supposed to be clueless creatures who never fully grasped what their significant others were saying, least of all what they were feeling. How was it possible someone I’d just met could know me so well?

In a whisper, I replied, “You saw that from all the way across the terrace?”

He nodded. “Since the moment Caterina pointed you out to me, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you.”

Blinking at him in disbelief, I blurted, “But you were looking at Careen.”

Raphael’s dark brows furrowed. “Who?”

“The girl with the really big boobs falling out of her dress that was sitting in front of me.” At the description I’d painted for him, I inwardly groaned. Mortification flushed my cheeks when Rafe gave me an amused smile.

“I don’t recall anyone with that description. But that’s probably because I was focused on you.”

“ You were focused on me ?”

“I was.”

“Oh,” I murmured.

As we followed the beat of the music, my body became used to his. My fingertips resting on his broad back feathered over his taut muscles. At the same time, I fought to keep my nervousness from making my hand sweaty.

“I have a confession to make,” Rafe said, his deep voice rumbling through me.

“Oh?”

An impish glint flashed in his eyes. “I’ve never danced with an Irish girl before.”

Feeling more comfortable and more confident, I tilted my head at him. “Do Irish girls dance differently than Italian ones?”

Nodding, a grin curved on Rafe’s lips. “Italian girls don’t hop around.”

An easy laugh tumbled from my lips. “We don’t hop,” I countered amusedly.

“And what exactly do you call what they’ve been doing during the other songs?”

“Some are called jigs while others are reels.”

“Do you hop around?”

With an unattractive snort, I countered, “You mean jig?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Aye, I do.”

Rafe’s dark eyes lit up. “I’d love to see you.”

Mortification filled my cheeks. “No you wouldn’t.”

“Yes, I would,” he implored.

Ducking my head, I argued, “I’m not a good dancer.”

“I doubt that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Let’s make a deal?”

My eyes bulged. “Y-You want to make a deal? With me?”

He laughed. “It’s nothing indecent, so don’t look so alarmed.”

With a nervous giggle, I replied, “Um, okay.”

“If you will dance a jig for me, I’ll let you try to teach me.”

His request sent my heartbeat thrumming wildly in my chest. “You want to see me dance that much?”

“I do.”

Feeling sassy, I countered, “And the only reward for my efforts is to see you make a fool out of yourself?”

He grinned. “Isn’t that enough?”

Inwardly, I shook my head. A truly outrageous idea was gaining momentum in my mind. Before I left for Boston, I’d voiced to Dr. Leighton how much I wanted to let my guard down and take some risks while I was on the trip. By risks, I meant sexual ones. I felt that I could never leave my rape fully in the past until I was able to be with a man.

At first, I’d felt something was morally wrong with me to even think of such a thing. But Dr. Leighton had assured me my feelings were perfectly normal. “Your assault was yours and yours alone, which means your path to healing is yours and yours alone.”

Of course, she’d also cautioned me with the usual warnings women are given like having an exit strategy and meeting in a public place. At the moment, I couldn’t imagine a more public place than the one I currently found myself in. Not to mention, I had all the protection I could possibly need should Rafe prove truly ungentlemanly.

“What if I wanted to change the wager?”

He shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Maeve. Are you really going to ask this man for a kiss? Drawing my shoulders back, I thought, You’re damn right I am .

“I want a kiss.”

Rafe’s jovial expression instantly sobered. “Excuse me?”

“I think you heard me.”

“That’s why I want you to repeat it.”

With a playful lift of my shoulder, I countered, “You’ve never danced with an Irish girl, and I’ve never kissed an Italian man.”

“But your brothers–”

Trying to keep the mood light, I joked, “I don’t think they want to kiss you.”

“Maeve,” he growled, which sent a spark straight between my thighs.

I shook my head. “This bet is between us, not them.”

“You know it’s not that simple,” Rafe argued.

Well, this certainly wasn’t the stumbling block I’d imagined when enacting my plan. I thought I wouldn’t have the balls to actually take control of my sexuality. Never did I imagine a man refusing me. Especially not a man who had asked me to dance just to make me happy. It was ridiculously frustrating, and I couldn’t help my agitation.

“Fine. If you’re too afraid of my brothers, we’ll just forget about it.” I gave him a pointed look. “But just realize, no kiss, no jig.”

His dark eyes narrowed. “Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not fucking afraid of anyone or anything.”

“It sounds like you are.” Oh my God, was I really goading him at the moment? He was a future capo, and I was carrying on with him with the same familiarity as I would one of my brothers.

“I’m being practical, not fearful. The alliance between our families is still unstable. I have to be concerned about setting fire to it. Because trust me, kissing you…” He gave a harsh shake of his head. “It’s the equivalent of dousing it with gasoline.”

“They don’t have to know. This is just between you and me.”

Rafe’s jaw clenched as he stared down at me. It caused a shiver to flutter through me. For the first time, I realized he wasn’t just fighting kissing me because of my brothers but because of his own feelings.

“You want to kiss me,” I stated.

“I shouldn’t,” he gritted out. His gaze fell to my lips. “But I do.”

Although my heart threatened to beat out of my chest, I said, “Then take the wager.”

A growl erupted from low in his chest. “Fine. A kiss for a dance.”

As I bobbed my head in agreement, I wondered what the hell I’d just agreed to.