Fix You (The Irish Rogues #3)

Chapter Seven Maeve

“ H ave you ever been in love?”

Rafe’s question vibrated through my mind. I shook my head. “I’ve never had the chance.”

“I assume like our family, you were kept on a very short leash.”

“Extremely.” With an impish grin, I replied, “I did manage to sneak a kiss once.”

Rafe returned my grin. “For some reason, that doesn’t surprise me.” After lighting another cigarette, he took a long, thoughtful drag. “Do you want to be in love?”

“Don’t all women?”

“I suppose so.” With a pointed look, he said, “But you’re not all women, Maeve.”

His words sent revulsion through me. I wasn’t all women because I was degraded and disgusting because of my rape. Something outwardly beautiful but inwardly corroded.

As if he could somewhat read my thoughts, Rafe shook his head at me. “I meant that as a compliment.”

“I’m sure you did,” I lied.

“I’m serious, Maeve. I know we haven’t spent that much time together, but you’re unlike any woman I’ve ever met.”

My heartbeat thrummed wildly at both his words and his expression. “How?” I questioned softly.

“For starters, you’re brave as hell. It took guts for someone like you to get up in front of all those people.”

Furrowing my brows at him, I asked, “Someone like me?”

“Someone who is naturally shy and doesn’t want to be the center of attention.”

I fought to catch my breath. How could he possibly already know me so well? “Most women don’t like being different,” I argued.

“You should. The woman you are makes you stand above and apart. It makes you a hell of a lot more interesting and alluring than other women.”

Warmth flushed my cheeks at his compliment. “Thank you,” I murmured.

“You’re welcome.” Quirking his brows at me, he said, “So answer my question?”

“What question?” I replied as I stared into his eyes.

A smirk curved on his full lips. “Do you want to be in love?”

“As cliche as it sounds, I’ve dreamed of it since I was a little girl.”

“Even growing up knowing you’d have an arranged marriage?”

I nodded. “Yes. In my naivete, I imagined an alliance where I fell in love with my husband.”

“I’ve seen it happen sometimes.”

With a smile, I countered, “I think we’re seeing it happen now with Callum and Caterina.”

Instead of giving me a look of disgust like earlier, he gave me a small smile. “Maybe.”

“More than anything, I want Callum to be in love.”

“Why is that?”

“Like you, he doesn’t believe in it. He thinks it’s a weakness.” My lip curled with disgust. “My father always told him and my brothers that love for a woman was a weakness.”

“I understand what he means.”

Glaring at him, I said, “Is that right?”

Rafe held his hands up. “I’m not agreeing with him. I just understand. In our world we can’t have weaknesses for our enemies to use against us.”

“In the underworld, a man’s family will always be used against him regardless of the way he feels about them. What can it hurt to love them?”

“While I agree, love does complicate things.”

“Will you not love your future children?”

“Of course I will.”

The romantic in me couldn’t help imagining a little boy or girl with Rafe’s dark black eyes and hair. I could see him holding their hand, putting them on his shoulders so they could see above the crowd, smiling in pride at them. “You’ll be a good father, Rafe,” I acknowledged.

His brows popped in surprise. “You think so?”

I nodded. “Even if you only put one ounce of the love you have for your brothers and Caterina into the love for your child, you'd be an amazing dad. But I know you’ll give them everything you have.”

Rafe’s dark eyes swirled with a mosaic of emotions as he stared at me. The intensity of his gaze sent heat blazing over my body. “That means a lot, Maeve,” he said, his voice becoming incredibly deep.

“You’re welcome.”

Silence hung heavy in the air around us. It wasn’t too surprising to me considering the weight of our conversation. At the same time, a new electricity popped and crackled. It was so strong I felt like if I reached my finger out towards him I might get zapped. But in the best way possible.

After Rafe stomped out his cigarette, he reached into his pocket for a mint. “Care for one?”

I swallowed hard. “Depends on if I need one because I’m finally going to collect on the bet.”

He winked at me. “I am a man of my word. .”

“Then yes. I’ll take one.” I reached over to take not one but two from the golden tin in his hand. I popped them into my mouth so forcefully I almost choked. At my wheezing, Rafe asked, “Are you okay?”

Clearing my throat, I choked out, “I’m fine.”

With an amused twinkle in his eyes, Rafe chewed on his mints. When he grew serious, my heartbeat broke into a gallop. As I fought to breathe, he closed the gap between us but froze and then frowned. “Is something wrong?” I questioned breathlessly.

“Murphy just pissed on my leg.”

My attention snapped from Rafe’s down to his ankles where Murphy stood hiking his leg. “Murphy, no!” I shrieked.

Rafe snorted his laughter. “I never imagined a weiner dog being a cockblocker.”

I jerked my head up to stare at him. “No, it’s not that. He’s terrible about marking things.”

“I was just teasing you, Maeve.”

Embarrassment flushed my cheeks. “Oh, right.”

The next thing I knew Rafe was sliding his hands around my waist, drawing me flush against him. “It’ll take a hell of a lot more than a little dog piss to keep me from giving you a kiss.”

“How romantic,” I blurted.

Rafe dipped his head to where his forehead touched mine. “Don’t be nervous.”

“I’m not.”

“Tell that to the pulse point in your neck that’s fluttering like mad.”

“I’m sorry.”

He brushed his knuckles along my jawline. “Don’t ever be sorry, Maeve.”

“But I am. I’m sorry that we only have one kiss.”

“Who says it just has to be one?”

My heart leapt into my throat at the thought. Rafe pulled his forehead from mine. Instead of pulling away, he angled his face and brushed his lips against mine. A jolt went through me at the touch. It sent a tingle from the top of my head down to my toes.

But then something turned over in both Rafe and his kiss. What was once cautious and gentle turned demanding and feral. And God help me I loved it. Wrapping my arms around him, I fisted the fabric of his shirt in my fingers. Despite being pressed tightly against him, I desperately wanted more. If I could’ve crawled into his skin, I would have, so that he could’ve possessed even more of me.

When his tongue brushed against my lips I moaned. Rafe took the invitation and thrust his tongue into my mouth. Immediately, my tongue sought out his and began to tumble and tangle with it.

At the bulge pressing against my stomach, a shiver ran through me. But it wasn’t one of fear. It was desire mixed with gratitude.

Rafe desired me.

He wanted me.

In that moment, I knew that I would let him have whatever he wanted. He could have it all. Every inch of my body was his.

His hand slid from my neck down my collarbone to cup my breast. Pleasure flushed through me when he cupped my breast. My nipple hardened under his fingertips.

When he pulled his lips from mine, I mewled in protest. “Is that okay?”

“Touching me?”

“Yes.”

“Mmm, yes, it is,” I murmured against his lips.

He grinned before kissing across my jawline and then down my neck. “Fuck, Maeve, your taste drives me wild.”

With those words, my past and present collided. No longer was on the rooftop with Rafe’s hands and mouth on me. Instead I was in the Kavanaugh crypt with Oisin leering over me. No longer was it Rafe’s hands and mouth, but it was Oisin.

My stomach twisted and clenched as the images from my rape entered my mind. Bile shot up my throat, and I jerked away. Whirling around, I buried my head into the potted plant next to me as the shame and anguish of my past was forced from my body.

“Maeve?”

Inwardly, I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I emptied my stomach once again. Over and over I retched as images of Oisin rutting against me tortured my mind.

At the feel of Rafe’s hand on my back, I froze in my heaving. “Maeve? What’s wrong?”

Dragging my forearm across my mouth, I said, “Leave me alone.”

“Not when you’re sick. What happened?”

As tears clouded my eyes, I sank to my knees next to the pot. “Please just leave me alone.”

“Can I get your mother or one of your brothers?”

Salty tears streamed down my cheeks. My shining dream had turned into a glaring nightmare. I wanted to die rather than to have to face Rafe. If he looked into my eyes, he would know. I would’ve rather him put a bullet through my heart than to see the pity and revulsion on his face.

My trembling body became wracked with sobs. When Rafe bent over to pick me up, I kicked him away. “I said go! Leave me alone, damn you!”

“I can’t do that.”

“If you don’t, I’ll start screaming and let my brothers think the worst,” I choked.

“Maeve, please,” Rafe begged.

Throwing my head back, I screamed up at the night sky glittering with stars. “LEAVE ME!”

After a ragged sigh, Rafe’s footsteps began to echo across the marble floor as he walked away.

I don’t know how long I remained there on my knees, weeping into the potted plant that smelled of my vomit. Murphy appeared at my side. Jumping on my shoulder and licking me. But I ignored him.

“Maeve?” Mam questioned softly.

Slowly, I lifted my head to stare up at her face–her expression etched with concern. “Oh my roisin , what happened? Did someone else–” A shudder ran through her.

I shook my head. “No one tried to rape me.”

She eased down beside me. Brushing away the tear-stained strands of my hair, she asked, “Oh my love, tell me what happened.”

“I just wanted a kiss to be a normal woman,” I moaned.

Mam furrowed her brows at me. “You kissed someone?”

“He said I was unlike any woman he’d ever met.”

At the look on Mam’s face, I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t like that with him. He wasn’t giving me a line just to get into my pants. More than anything, he fought against kissing me.” The corner of my lip quirked up. “But he wanted to make a bet to see me dance.” Staring into Mam’s eyes, I said, “I was the one that changed the bet to where I could get a kiss.”

“But how did a kiss turn into this, my love?”

As Oisin’s sneering face flashed before my eyes, my stomach lurched, and I heaved into the pot again. Mam rubbed my back and muttered prayers. When I finally stopped, I fell over onto the marble floor, completely spent by the physical onslaught of my emotions.

With my face against the cool marble, I murmured, “It was the most beautiful moment of my life. His kiss was everything. The feel of his hands on my body was a rebirth.”

“And then you thought of your rape, and it ruined everything,” Mam said softly.

I turned my head to gaze up at her. “How did you know?”

She swiped the tears that streaked down her face. “Because I’ve been right where you are, roisin . I fancied myself in love with a man while I was married to your father.”

As I pulled myself into a sitting position, I stared wide-eyed at Mam. “You did?”

“Don’t act as if I wasn't a right feek back in my day,” she teased through a hiccupped cry.

A welcomed laugh tumbled from my lips. “You’re still a stunning woman, Mam.”

“Faolán certainly thought I was. He was your father’s right hand back in those days when the older boys were just toddling about.” A faraway look entered her eyes. “He was the only man to ever really look at me. And by that, I mean the marks your father left on me. He would treat them with medicine. We grew very close.”

“And he kissed you?”

“Aye, he did. Like you, I wanted it more than anything in the world.” A lone tear trailed down her cheek. “And like you, it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Until I saw your father’s face before me. And I lost it.”

“Just like me.”

Her gaze focused in on mine once again. “Yes, my love.”

“How did Faolán react?”

“Very apologetic and very understanding. But he never tried to kiss me again.”

“He didn’t?”

Mam shook her head. “A few months later your father said he was getting too familiar with me and the boys. He shipped him off to work with my family in Dublin.”

My own pain was forgotten with hers. “Oh Mam, how awful.”

She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. “You have your whole life in front of you, roisin. You will conquer this. And you will find the love you so rightly deserve.”

“But why not you, Mam?”

An implish glint replaced the sadness in her eyes. “I’m still a right feek, and I’m not dead yet. My love is still out there.”

I hoped and prayed it was for her. She’d endured so much abuse at my father’s hands to ensure she got to remain with us. She’d told me before of how she’d try to run away from my father when Dare was just a baby. But my bastard father had beaten her and swore that if she ever tried to run again, she’d never see her sons again. For Mam, it was a fate worse than death.

“I’ll start lighting a candle for your love, Mam,” I said.

She winked at me. “I’ll appreciate it. Lord knows I can use all the help I can get.”

“As do I.”

As she cupped my chin in her hands, she shook her head. “You, my dear, are the cream of the crop, Maeve Diana. Just like the princess I named you for, you are going to find your prince.”

Since Mam had been born in Dublin and not a part of the republic, she’d always had a fancy for royalty. She’d wanted to name me Diana for the Princess of Wales, but my father, a Northern man who despised royalty, wouldn’t let her until she lied and said it was her gran’s name. So, I became Maeve Diana–my name a defiant middle finger to my father’s control.

Mam rose off the floor and held a hand out to me. Reluctantly, I let her help pull me to my feet. “Come on. Let’s go get you cleaned up and ready for bed.”

“But what will we say if someone sees me like this?”

“Let’s really give them something to talk about and say you were absolutely steaming on whiskey and got sick.”

With a laugh, I replied, “I suppose pretending I puked because I was drunk is better than the truth.”

“Aye, I thought as much.” As she eyed the potted plant behind me, she said, “I’ll come back out after everyone’s asleep and clean that.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“While it would be easy to pretend some pissed Irishman did it, I’d rather do it so Lorna doesn’t have to.”

As we started to the door, Mam wrapped her arm around my waist. “Are you going to tell me who the mystery man was, or will you leave me in suspense?”

“It’s better for all of us to leave him in secrecy.”

“I see.”

When I reached for the door handle, her words froze me. “Did you explain to Raphael Neretti why you reacted the way you did?”

I whirled around to stare at her. “How did you know?”

She gave me a knowing smile. “I have eyes, don’t I? I spent most of the night watching you both come alive around each other. Being absolutely enthralled at how easy the two of you interacted.”

With panic rising in me, I asked, “Do you think anyone else noticed?”

Mam shook her head. “No one sees what a mother does.”

Nodding, I glance down at my bare feet. “No, I didn’t explain. I just screamed at him to leave me even when he didn’t want to.”

Mam stepped closer to me. “Do you think it would help if you sought him out now to explain? I told Faolin the reason for my reaction.”

I furiously shook my head back and forth. “No. I’d rather leave things the way that they are.”

Frowning, Mam asked, “But why?”

I swallowed hard. “I can’t bear to see his feelings for me change.”

“I don’t think he’s that shallow,” Mam protested.

“He’s not. But the feelings will be there all the same. He’ll see me differently than before. He’ll feel differently. I’d rather have the memory of the way things were than explain.”

Mam gave me a sad look before finally nodding. “All right, roisin. If that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t what I necessarily wanted, but it was the way things had to be if I was going to keep my remaining sanity. I knew there would be a time in the future when I would cross paths with Raphael Neretti again. He was my sister-in-law’s brother. But I hoped time and distance would put to rest the hope of whatever was between us.