Fix You (The Irish Rogues #3)

Chapter Eighteen Maeve

A s I sat in Dr. Leighton’s bright and airy waiting room, I texted furiously with Rafe. We were ironing out the details for his birthday weekend. Normal young women didn’t have to involve themselves in subterfuge just to sneak away for alone time with their boyfriends.

It went without saying since I had a two man bodyguard outfit, I was not like other women.

Of course, most normal women weren’t also dating men with their own jets and brothers who were technology geniuses. Thankfully for me, Rafe was one of those men. Gianni was able to hack my bodyguards’ numbers so that Nolan would think Ciarán was in charge of me for the day and vice versa. He would also have their texts coming to his server so he could ward off any mishaps. To thank him for his work, I was bringing homemade mince pies.

The door opened to Dr. Leighton’s office, and she greeted me with a smile. “Maeve, come on in.”

After telling Rafe I was going in for therapy, I slid my phone in my pocket and rose off the overstuffed couch. As I walked towards her, Dr. Leighton’s inquisitive brown eyes trailed over me. “I’m liking this happy energy you’re putting out.”

I laughed. “I can’t help it. I am happy.”

Her face lit up. “I can’t tell you how good it is to hear you say that.”

After I took a seat on the teal couch, Dr. Leighton took her usual chair across from me. “I assume this happiness stems from a certain Italian?”

Heat rushed to my cheeks at the mention of Rafe. “It does.”

“I have to say I’d like to meet the man who has brought such happiness to your life and helped you overcome your intimacy hurdles.”

“I would like that as well.”

Leaning forward in her chair, Dr. Leighton swept a strand of dark hair out of her face. “While there is also happy energy, I can detect some apprehension.”

I nodded. “I’m spending this weekend with him for his birthday. Since I’m sneaking away, I’m a little worried it’s all going to blow up in my face.”

Pursing her lips, Dr. Leighton shook her head. “No, I think your apprehension is grounded in something intimacy related.”

Sometimes I thought Dr. Leighton would make a good psychic. “You’re right.” I glanced down at my hands that were currently twisting the hem of my sweater. “There’s something I really want to do, but I don’t know how to broach the subject with Rafe.”

“Something sexual?”

I lifted my gaze to hers. “It’s something we’re both intrigued by. Well, from what he’s alluded to, he’s experienced it before.”

“And what are the roadblocks keeping you from this exploration?”

“I’m afraid he’ll tell me no,” I admitted.

Dr. Leighton’s brows furrowed. “Why would you think that?”

I sighed. “I think he’ll feel that it wouldn’t be good for me considering my past.”

“Like in all relationships, partners have to be honest with each other about their wants and desires. You need to assure Rafe that this is something you desire–something that has nothing to do with your rape.”

With a nod, I replied, “I can do that. It’s just…”

“What, Maeve?”

“There’s a part of me that thinks my desire is wrong because of my rape.”

“How so?”

Oh God, was I really going to voice my newest fear to her? Although we’d talked openly about every facet of my rape, this seemed different. Since she always wanted my honesty, I replied, “I’m afraid you’ll judge me.”

Her eyes widened. “Maeve, you know this is a judgment free zone.”

With a huff of frustration, I replied, “Yes, I do. But it’s just hard.”

“Victims of rape and assault desire and enjoy all types of kink. Some kinds others would find very dark and troubling for themselves to participate in, but to others, it’s a balm for their wounded parts. There is no right or wrong. And anyone who tells you that is misguided and misinformed.”

I allowed Dr. Leighton’s words to percolate in my mind. My kink could be healing, not harmful. It didn’t make it dirty or perverted to desire it. After drawing in a ragged breath, I said, “I really want to watch others have sex.”

“That seems perfectly normal.”

“But I also want them to watch me have sex.”

Dr. Leighton eyed me curiously. When I first started coming to her, the long eye focus made my skin crawl. But I’d learn now that she was processing what I said. “You think it’s perverse because during your rape, you had an audience.”

My heartbeat accelerated at her declaration–the very one that had been churning in me since before Rafe and I had even had sex. “Yes,” I whispered.

She shook her head. “It isn’t a perverse desire. It is a way for you to take control of your sexuality. You’re allowing people to watch you–not having it forced upon you.”

“So, it’s really not bad?”

She smiled. “No, it’s not.”

“Wow,” I murmured.

Now if you told me you wanted to force people to watch you, that would be an entirely different conversation. Or I should say conversations.”

A nervous laugh bubbled from my lips. “Okay.”

“Do you have a plan in mind on how to enact this fantasy?”

“Rafe owns a sex club.”

It took a lot to shock her, but that statement succeeded in shocking Dr. Leighton. “Oh, I see.”

Her expression gave me a much needed laugh. “I was surprised when I first found at as well.”

“I can imagine.”

“This weekend we’re supposed to be doing romantic things like going to the opera and on a carriage ride through Central Park. But I kind of wanted to surprise him by arriving on Friday…at his club.”

“What emotions does that scenario bring you?”

I nibbled on my bottom lip. “Excitement is the first thing that comes to mind. And then lots of desire.” But then those emotions were overshadowed by a looming dark one. Shifting in my chair, I said, “If I’m honest with myself, there’s fear. Lots of fear.”

“About Rafe not wanting to partake?”

With a shake of my head, I replied, “I’m afraid something will trigger me, and I’ll let him down.”

“From what you’ve told me of him, there’s no way you could ever let him down. He has been patient and understanding in the past. I’m sure he will be this time as well.”

Tears stung my eyes. “I just want to be normal for him. I want to be normal for myself. I want to be able to partake in a fantasy without having to worry it’s going to trigger me.”

“Those emotions are very valid. When you want to speak negatively about yourself, you have to remember how far you’ve come. It wasn’t an overnight acceptance into intimacy. All you can do is go surprise Rafe and try.”

“Do you think I can do it?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think. You hold all the power,” Dr. Leighton replied.

I was powerful. I could do this. I could give Rafe a birthday present he would remember for a long, long time. “Okay, I’ll try.”

She smiled. “And you have my emergency number just in case you run up against any pre or post performance anxiety.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then I look forward to hearing how it goes.” With a wink, she added, “At least the PG details.”

I laughed. “Yes, just the PG version.”

When my appointment was over and I exited the backdoor, Ciarán was waiting for me. With a smile, he asked, “Back home, Ms. Kavanaugh?”

“Actually, I’d like to walk around the garden while I make a phone call.”

“Whatever you wish.”

Across from Dr. Leighton’s office was a small public garden with beautiful flowers and plants. As I pulled out my phone, there were two Nerettis I could call for help with my plan. Since Gianni had already helped so much with my getaway plan, I decided to call Leo.

He answered just before the phone was about to go to voicemail. “Maeve?” he asked drowsily.

After glancing at my watch, I grimaced at the realization it was only six am back in the states, and Rafe was just getting in from his night of managing Inferno. “Oh, Leo, I’m so sorry to wake you.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, it’s just I needed a little favor.”

After yawning loudly, he asked, “You need someone killed?”

I laughed. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Then what could possibly have you calling me at six in the morning on a Saturday?”

“Um, well.” Oh God. What was I thinking? How was I possibly going to ask Rafe’s brother to help me surprise him…sexually.

“Come on, Maeve. I’ve got a leggy blonde in bed beside me that I plan on initiating some morning sex with.”

“Leo!”

He chuckled. “Just teasing. I sent the leggy blonde home at three am.”

“You’re a pig,” I pronounced before I could think better of myself.

“Yeah, so was my brother and until he fell for you.”

My heart thrummed wildly in my chest at his declaration. “Speaking of Rafe, I want to surprise him for his birthday by coming on Friday, rather than Saturday.”

“Nice. Want me to pick you up from the airport or something?”

“While that would be lovely, I needed your help getting him to the place I want to surprise him.”

“And where’s that?”

“Inferno.”

Silence came over the line. “Leo? Are you there?”

“Sorry. You just shocked the hell out of me.”

Embarrassment flooded my face. “Do you think it’s a bad idea? Like Rafe wouldn’t like it?”

“Oh no. I think it’s a fabulous idea, and I’m sure he and his cock will enjoy it immensely.”

Once again, I chided, “Leo.”

“Look Maeve, you’re talking about me sneaking into Inferno and surprising Rafe. You’ve got to toughen up on the inappropriate language.”

A nervous giggle bubbled from my lips. “I’ll try.”

“Okay, then, I’ll make sure the jet comes and picks you up Friday, rather than Saturday as planned. Then I’ll get you to the club and have a little birthday celebration set up for Rafe as the pretense to get him there.”

“That sounds great. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Considering he’s been a tense motherfucker this past week, you can thank me by fucking his brains out.”

At my shriek of horror, Leo chuckled and then hung up.