For Better or Hearse

Chapter Thirty-Eight

T he way she looks in his bed should be criminal.

Nathaniel sits at his desk, laptop open, but he’s not looking at it. He can’t take his eyes off Ash. Buried in the rumpled sheets. One slender, creamy leg kicked out from beneath the covers, her long wild black hair a tumbled mess.

She’s so beautiful it actually fucking pains him.

It still blows his mind. How totally unexpected she was.

The power she has over him, it’s deafening. All he can hear, all he knows: this girl has made his life better. Every day he’s alive will be better because of her.

Ash is the kind of woman who makes a man feel like he’s fucked up for taking so long to discover her. She comes with warnings and arrows, and he loves every single one of them.

This vacation will be worth it. If he gets to keep her.

A soft moan. Ash jerks in her sleep. And then sits up with a jolt.

Amusement courses through him. She sleeps as chaotically as she lives.

“Shit.” Groggy, she focuses on the window, then Nathaniel. “What time is it?”

He moves to sit beside her. “We’re in no rush.”

“Says the man who’s already dressed for the day,” she drawls, running a hand through her sleep-mussed hair.

“My mom called. She wants to have lunch.” He runs his palm over her tattooed thigh. “If you’re up for it after the hike.”

She groans and grabs her phone off the nightstand, checking her blood. “Still determined to kill me, I see.”

“You can survive it. ”

Satisfied with her reading, she flops back down on the bed. “You are a lovely liar, but I’ll take it.”

Arching in the sheets, she takes in his bedroom. On a windowsill nearhis bed is the collection of rocks and gems he’s brought back from his adventures. Ash’s included. It’s the only one that actually matters.

After the scene at the Roosevelt, they barely got through the front door of his penthouse before they were fucking. He couldn’t get her here fast enough. Seeing that prick Jakob fed his fear, his anger. Had him wanting to put a claim on Ash, even though, if he said it out loud, she’d rip his balls off.

That toxic prick took her trust and her sweet heart and wrecked them completely. For that, Nathaniel refuses to let it go. He’ll keep tabs on that asshole for as long as he lives in LA.

“This feels like a hotel,” Ash says, flicking on a light above the bed. “I didn’t expect your apartment to look like this.”

He knows what it looks like.

Rich.

He and Ash couldn’t have more opposite living situations if they tried. He’s in downtown LA in a penthouse with a doorman. Her tiny apartment could fit inside his bathroom. His place is barren, sterile, while hers is moody and expressive. It’s that juxtaposition he loves. Has craved since the day he met her.

Being with Ash feels like freedom. Like his suit, his last name, his money, hell, even his career, don’t matter. If he gave it all up, she wouldn’t bat an eye.

Her lips quirk. “It’s not as soulless as I thought it would be. It’s sturdy and meticulous. Like you.”

“Hmm. Minimalist robot. Got it.” He moves to stand.

She purrs, tugging him back into bed with her. “You leave, I kill you.”

Hovering closer, he kisses her lips. “You act so tough until it’s time to cuddle in bed.”

“Shut up. ”

He cups her pale cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

When he returns, he sets a tray on the bed.

“Fascinating.” She taps the acrylic. “You have a tray. I don’t even have a tray. I’m a trayless vagabond.” She scours the items set before her. Chamomile tea. Peanut butter crackers. Coconut chews. All her favorites.

Ash sinks her teeth into her bottom lip for a moment. Then she looks at him. “Nathaniel…when—when did you get all this?”

He sticks his hands in his pockets. “I sent out for it last night.”

“Sent out? So fancy.” But she’s smiling.

“I want to make you look like this all the time.”

Her lips part. She blinks. “How’s that?”

“Happy.”

Her eyes soften. “Keep this up, and I’m never leaving.”

“That’s the plan.”

A ping from his laptop.

Ash sits straighter. “Did you hear back? About the job?”

Her voice is steady, but she can’t hide the concern in her tone. He leaves soon.

Fuck. He has to tell her.

He doesn’t know how she’ll take it. He doesn’t know about anything except for her.

“No,” he says, moving to grab his laptop. He clicks into his email. “It’s not about that.”

He settles into bed beside her.

Ash curls up against him, feral and beautiful. She kisses his shoulder. “What is it?”

He turns the computer screen her way. His heart rate accelerates. Fuck, he hopes she likes it. “It’s your website.”

She blinks. Sits up. Her fingertips go to her lips. “Nathaniel…”

“I called in a favor,” he explains. “I thought this would help you get started on your death doula dreams. If you don’t use it, no big deal.”

Worry creases her face. “It is a big deal. It’s too much. ”

“It’s not too much.” He presses his lips to her temple. “I can do things like this for you, Ash. So let me.”

He’s got her back. He believes in her. What she did for his grandfather, his family—he’s nothing short of thankful.

He runs a hand down her silky arm. “You were born to do this. I have all the faith in the world in you. I think you’d change a lot of people’s lives. You’ve already changed mine.”

He stares, worried he overstepped. Worried she hates it.

Expression incredulous, she inspects the computer screen. She pulls the laptop onto her lap, clicking through the site. The moody colors, the gothic font.

She smiles, and his breath hitches at the sight.

With a sigh, she throws her arms around him. “No one’s ever done anything like this for me before,” she whispers, burying her face in his neck.

Emotion clogs his throat. When she’s hard, she’s hard. When Ash lets go, she’s an absolute softie.

“You deserve it.” One hand cupping her cheek, he gazes at her gorgeous face. “Just do what you love, and I’ll make sure you’re happy.”

Her eyes fill with a softness he’s rarely seen. “I love it. Thank you, Nathaniel.”

Grinning, he adjusts her in his arms. “Should we get ready?” He’s already picturing a shower. Ash. Soap suds. His slippery hands on those gorgeous, tattooed thighs.

Her lips twitch mischievously. “Not yet. Now I want to give you something.”

He cocks a brow. “What’s that?”

Rather than reply, she swings herself onto his lap, straddling him.

“I didn’t do it for this,” he says with a chuckle. Even as his dick screams at him to shut the fuck up and enjoy.

“I know you didn’t, but you deserve it.”

“Well, I won’t turn it down. ”

Eyes glittering, she reaches for the hem of her T-shirt and pulls it off.

Christ.

Perfect breasts. Beaded nipples. His dick springs to attention.

No free will with this girl. He only wants to fill his veins and blood with her. Obsessed.

“Ash…”

Tits swaying, she reaches back to squeeze his rock-hard dick.

“Fuck me,” he groans.

A feline smile on her face, she lowers her blood-red mouth to his and whispers, “That’s the plan.”

Needless to say, they don’t make the hike.

It’s two by the time they meet Nathaniel’s mother at Musso and Frank’s in West Hollywood.

Claire looks different, casual, in a sundress and heels. Her blond hair’s been darkened slightly and that tight knot of tension in her shoulders has eased.

She stands when they arrive, hugs Ash first, and then kisses Nathaniel. They each order a signature martini, appetizers.

“How have you been?” Claire asks, fanning a napkin over her lap.

“We’ve been keeping busy.” He looks at Ash. The morning still burns fresh in his mind. Her hair. The feel of it dragging over his back, around his cock, fisted in his hand as he used the momentum to bring her bright red lips to his.

Ash smiles at him over the rim of her martini glass like she can read his thoughts.

“You’ve been hiding Ash away,” his mother chides.

He chuckles. It’s just as he expected. Everyone loves her as much as he does.

“How about you?” Ash asks. “Recovering from the trip? ”

“I needed a week of sleep after that vacation. But I’ve never had so much fun.” His mother’s expression sobers. “I have some news, Nathaniel.”

“Oh?”

“Your father and I are separating.”

His jaw drops.

Ash sits beside him, frozen, her wide-eyed gaze darting between Nathaniel and Claire. “I’m…sorry?”

His mother bursts into a laugh. “Oh, Ash, no. It’s fine. In fact, it’s long overdue. It’s not sad or bad, it just is. The trip to Hawaii was just the icing on the cake. It showed me a lot of things. Things I’ve been missing or putting off in the interest of our family.”

“Such as?”

She smiles at him, the expression surprisingly warm for the topic of conversation. “You’re grown. All my children are grown. I want to do something for myself before…well, before our time’s up.”

Ash leans in. “Do tell.”

His mother beams at him. “I’m going to help your grandfather with his hotels. We don’t have a lot of time, but we’ll make the best of it. It’s our family business, and I want to keep it like that.” She inhales hard, swallows. “If your father shapes up, great. If he doesn’t, that’s fine as well. I have my life.”

There’s a brief shared glance, a smile between his mother and Ash.

His mother lifts her martini glass. “To change.”

“To change.” Ash winks.

“I’m proud of you, Mom,” he tells her.

She tuts and pauses as the waiter refills their waters. “Let’s talk about how proud I am of you.” Reaching across the table, she pats his hand. “I ran into Doctor Moser the other day. He says you got that transfer you wanted to the North Sea.”

Nathaniel goes rigid in his chair. Ice floods his veins.

Ash turns to him, her eyes full of shock and hurt.

Fuck. This isn’t how he wanted to tell her .

His mother sighs. “I know it’s dangerous, but I know you really wanted it.”

“Yeah.” His voice is gravel. “I did.”

His mother looks hopefully between them. “I suppose you two have a lot to figure out.”

“I suppose we do,” Ash replies coolly, narrowing her eyes at him.

His heart cracks when she slips her hand from his.

Everything was perfect.

And he’s the asshole who ruined it.

Ash sets her bag on the counter. She hasn’t uttered a single word since his mother dropped the bomb. Even now, she’s completely expressionless.

He shuts the front door to his penthouse.

“We need to talk,” he says on a sigh. Her cold shoulder is unbearable, and he’s so fucking pissed at himself. He should have known better than to keep it from her.

He won’t let her do this. Shut down. Ice him out.

“Do we?” she replies, turning to him and dropping her shoulders. “It seems clear what this is. Where it’s going. We knew it was a possibility, right? That it wouldn’t work? I just wish you would have told me.”

She laughs, the sound sad, dejected, and it tears a hole in his chest.

“Stop,” he orders, refusing to let her do this. “The last thing I would ever do is hurt you. Lie to you.”

“But you did. Why?”

“I was planning to tell you.” Regret eats at him from the inside. “I didn’t want you to find out like that.”

“But I did find out.” She shakes her head. “I’m not mad you’re going—I’m upset you didn’t tell me. ”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He exhales a hard breath, pushes away the frustration threatening to overtake him. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t take the job.”

She rubs her face. “What? I don’t understand.”

“I turned down the transfer.”

“Nathaniel, you can’t do that. You can’t shirk your responsibilities for me.”

He arches a brow. “Shirk?”

“Yes, shirk.”

Hands pulled to her heart, she paces. “This is your career. And even though I don’t want you to die out there on the fucking high seas, I don’t want to fuck up anything else in your life.” Her voice is shaky. Full of fear. “I fucked too much up already, okay?”

“You didn’t fuck up anything.”

Guilt clouds her face. “I did.”

A sick feeling crawls through him. She still blames herself.

Tears fill her eyes. Fuck.

Ash crying scares the hell out of him. She’s tough, she’s mean, but right now, she’s hurting.

How does he tell her he’s been busy working out the details, the plans, and then chickening out, panicking that what he wants isn’t what she wants? He’s been berating himself for assuming that Ash can be tamed. That Ash would want him.

But fuck that. Because he wants her.

Suddenly, he finds himself crossing the room to take her in his arms. “Don’t you apologize for that. Never again. Do you understand me?” His voice thickens. “This is where we are now. You’re mine. I wouldn’t change that for anything or anyone.”

She scans his face, sadness in her eyes. “You gave up your job, Nathaniel.”

He grasps her chin, forcing her to look at him. “I used that job to run. I don’t want to run anymore.” His heart pangs. A muscle flexes in his jaw. “You have made me brave enough to live the life I want. And it’s with you. You are what I want, Ash. ”

She shakes her head, arching a brow. “I’m messy and I’m mean.”

“I love your mean. I know I will always get the right order at a restaurant because of you.”

She laughs, but it’s a sad sound.

“And I love your mess.”

Her eyes blaze. “We’re too different.”

“That’s bullshit,” he says simply.

She is absolutely perfect for him. Why can’t she see that? See that she is all he wants.

He takes her face in his hands, says roughly, “Ashabelle, I have thought of nothing and of no one since I first set foot on this vacation and laid eyes on you.”

The sadness slides from her face.

His throat is tight with emotion. But he pushes through it. “I love you. I am utterly and unfathomably in love with you, Ashabelle Keller.”

At his words, she closes her eyes. Takes a shallow breath, the action rocking her body.

He means it. She’s his. She will always be a sharp object. And he will never stop loving her.

Her mouth works. Those bold red lips part. But nothing comes out.

“You don’t have to say it back.” He stares at her, thumbs whisking over her sharp cheekbones. A heavy ache pierces his gut. And yet, if she’s not ready, he won’t push. “I’ll love you enough for the both of us.”

Ash lays a hand on his chest. She peers up at him. A kind of vulnerable earnestness on her face. “Unfathomably, you say?”

He clears his throat. “Very much so.”

And then she smiles. “I love you too, Nathaniel.”

The wind’s knocked out of him. He stands there, stunned. Processing the fact that this fierce force of a woman loves him back.

Ash smirks. Cups his jaw. “Speechless? I didn’t think you had it in you. ”

Steadied by her voice, he stares. Then crushes her in his arms, unable and unwilling to let her go. “Christ, Ashabelle,” he says hoarsely. “You more than anyone.” He pulls back. Cradles her jaw. Kisses her lips. “You more than anything.”

“I like it when you call me that,” she whispers. A shy smile crosses her gorgeous face. “Ashabelle. It makes me feel like I’m yours.”

“You are,” he promises. “You are mine.”

“Yes,” she breathes. Tears sparkle on her lashes. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain.”

He shakes his head. Rests his brow against hers. “No. I’m sorry I kept it from you.” He pulls back to look at her. “I applied for jobs at Cedars-Sinai. I have to finish out the next two months on my rig, but then I’ll be back here.” He’s making this real. He’s in this for the long run.

“Really?”

“Really. I want to be the only man in your world, Ash. The only man you want to kill. Kiss. Fuck.” His eyes turn molten. “Love. If that’s what you want.”

When she smiles, her eyes are filled with tears. “Yes, yes. I want you, Nathaniel.” She laughs, the joy on her face making his chest tighten. “I love you. Until this world ends and our sun is nothing but a shriveled, dead star, I will love you.”

He laughs. Damn if that sentiment isn’t the sweetest thing he’s ever heard. “God, that is sexy.” He leans in, whispering, “I love you,” and kisses Ash again. Then he’s dipping his hand between her thighs, and she’s smiling at him as her eyes fall closed, and soon, they’re both gone.