Forbidden Fruit

35. Depression doesn’t make you weak

THIRTY-FIVE

DEPRESSION DOESN’T MAKE YOU WEAK

I t’s a strange feeling to let go and do nothing when I have spent all my life so far working hard. Whether it was to help my mother, or under the weight of my aunt’s abuse, or after I came to Kalliste and started struggling just to make ends meet. I’ve never sat idle.

But with Lino by my side this summer, all I have to do is study. All I have to do is build the life I want. It’s liberating. And terrifying. I push the what ifs away every day, and it gets easier whenever he looks at me like I’m his sun.

Every time he smiles at me, or watches with soft eyes as I play with Anton and Livia, my heart grows and my belief in us strengthens.

I’m sure. I’m sure I want him. I’m sure he wants me.

I’ve never felt so connected to someone. My skin has never been lit up and in need of only one person to extinguish it. I’ve certainly never been so ready to beg to be owned. I want a life for myself where I help people and I want Lino as my own. These two realities coexist when I thought they were incompatible.

I’m determined to see this through, even though I don’t really know what ‘this’ is or what it will look like when the bubble bursts. Because it will.

It’s the last week of August and Lino took time off to spend it with me and the children. They enjoyed summer school, but I believe they prefer to spend time with us. They’re napping under the shade of the fig tree that stands proudly at the back of the garden.

I look at Lino, who’s looking towards them with an intensity I haven’t seen for a few weeks. He rests his forearms on his knees, his naked chest turned golden with the sun. I abandon my study books on the table and walk to sit next to him, but he doesn’t turn his gaze to me. It’s like he isn’t aware of me and alarm bells ring in my head.

“Is there something wrong, Lino?” I ask softly, caressing his back up and down in a motion I hope soothes the anxiety that pours out of him.

He swallows thickly before asking me a question instead of answering mine. “Do you ever think that all the good in our lives is just a prelude to misery? A sick joke of the universe before we fall to despair?”

As much as I have found that Lino isn’t cold but rather measured, I have also noticed that his smiles can turn sad in the blink of an eye. This week especially, as we spend all our time together and the days pass to bring us closer to another school year, he feels… darker. Like the energy around him is back to what it was when I just met him.

“No, Lino. I don’t think that. Do you?”

He simply nods, his lips quivering. Averting my gaze, he continues, “It’s like I can feel it. The heaviness. I thought you chased it away.”

It’s not reproach but disappointment taints his voice. I move to sit on his lap and turn his eyes to me. They’re misty with unshed pain and anguish and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know what to say that will ease his mind and his heart, but I know how to love him, so that’s what I do.

“I love you, Lino Marquesi. I have fallen in love with you and if it’s despair and darkness trying to take you away, I’ll be by your side to fight it alongside you, or simply hold you when it’s too much.”

Lino drops his forehead to my chest, holding me closer and taking a deep breath against my skin. His shoulders drop an inch, but I know that won’t be enough. What he says, how he feels, I can’t fight it for him. I can only be there while he does what he needs to stay present for me, for his children, for us.

“I love you, too,” he whispers against my heart. “I thought maybe it was too early to tell you how much you mean to me.” His eyes lift then and shine with adoration and love, the grey as clear as the glasses he always wears, giving him that air of authority and calm I love. I know better, but the sight always makes my heart squeeze and my thighs tremble, ready to give him all that I am.

We kiss languidly for what feels like hours, basking in this confession for as long as we can.

As I glide my fingers through the dark strands of his hair that are turning white at the temples, I lean back and ask, “Have you thought about talking to a professional about this?”

“What for? No one can do anything about what I feel.”

“Who told you that?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he sighs and gets up, but I stop him from leaving with a hand clasped around his wrist.

“Don’t shy away from the hard times, Lino. Don’t leave because you think I won’t withstand your darkness.” I’ve never heard myself be so firm, nor has he if his gaping mouth is any indication. “Sit back down,” I command and he obeys, my heart jumping in my chest. This is a moment of truth.

I wait until he’s ready to talk again, giving him space to either stay silent and let me share his burden or talk and expel whatever is eating him inside. That’s all I can do. As a partner, that’s what my love looks like and I doubt he’s ever been given that.

“Monica hated it when I was… in such a state. She told me that version of me wasn’t the man she married. That I was weak.”

My heart breaks at the admission. This strong, loving man who adores his children was made to feel like he was less than because his mental health wasn’t always a hundred per cent. I’ve never had an opinion on Monica Marquesi. Their divorce was a private affair, and since Lino didn’t talk about her, I didn’t ask. I assumed she left and gave full custody of the children to Lino. Anton and Livia talk about her sometimes, of course, but there have been fewer and fewer occasions.

Now, my blood boils with the need to protect the man I love from the ghost of his past. From this woman who was supposed to love him as he was but made him feel inadequate instead. I’m not a violent person. I’ve never wished harm on anyone, not even my aunt. But this woman awakens a beast in me that wants to maul whoever hurt him.

Instead, I frame his face with both hands. “Listen to me, Lino. You are not weak,” I say vehemently. “You’re a wonderful father, you’re a loving and kind man and you deserve to be loved fiercely exactly how you are. That’s what I will do. I love you and I’m staying, no matter what.”

I end my passionate speech with a kiss that conveys all the love I have for him. I don’t give him a choice as I delve my tongue into his mouth, claiming his lips and body with mine, fusing my sun-kissed skin to his. I claw at his scalp and Lino groans into my mouth, growing hard underneath me where our bodies line up perfectly.

“If you don’t get off me now, zitella , I won’t be held accountable for my actions.”

I giggle. “Is that a threat, Daddy?”

I nibble at his neck, biting his ear and licking his salty skin, and revel in how his fingers delve into my skin where he grips my bottom to hold himself back. Tonight, there will be a punishment for me for being such a tease, but I can’t help but grind against his cock.

Lino bites into my plush bottom lip before lifting me off of him and running to jump into the pool, making me laugh so loud I startle the kids awake. When his head emerges from the depths of the blue water, he shakes his hair boyishly and glares at me. I laugh harder, Livia joining me for a hug before she asks to put on her swimming belt.

I should have been prepared for my bubble of happiness to burst one way or another.