Forbidden Obsessions (Deviant Desires of Bennington University #2)

Chapter Fifteen

Olivia

“ M ia, we should probably move from this fucking couch.” I take stock of the living room and kitchen.

“Probably,” Mia agrees, munching on a carrot stick. It looks like a frat party has come and gone, leaving us two to deal with the wreckage. In many ways, that’s not far off.

It has been a week since my life imploded. Outside, the world goes on. I just can’t bring myself to deal with it. Mia and I are pretty shaken up. Dad, Matt, and Lex have been in and out to drop off food. Other than that, we’re excused from classes and milking it.

Tomas had been radio silent. To be fair, I haven’t contacted him. I told him I needed space and time. He’s been giving me that. There’s no reason for me to be disappointed, yet I am.

“This is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking,” I admit, chewing on my lip.

“Are you missing him?” Mia asks, more than likely to appease me. We’ve had this conversation a few times now.

“Yes, but I’m still angry,” I pout.

“Then pick up the goddamn phone and call him, Liv. Wouldn’t you know, life is short.” I roll my eyes, trying to ignore her snarky attitude. We’ve been at each other’s throats since I’ve been back here every day.

Across the floor, my phone starts vibrating. That sick, unreasonable part of me expects it to be Tomas. Nervous butterflies flutter in my stomach.

“You gonna get that?” Mia grumbles, invested in some Netflix show about serial killers.

“I guess,” I sigh. Not Tomas. Dad.

“Hi, Dad. We have enough food.”

“Olivia,” he says in a strangled tone. My pulse rate spikes as I wait for him to continue. My mind tries to guess his next sentence. It only lands on one possibility: Mom’s dead. Mom’s dead. Mom’s dead. Here I am on the couch all week, moping like a little bitch when Mom is going through painful treatments and trying to stay alive.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, trying to keep the self-loathing out of my voice.

“Honey, I think you should come to the team meeting today. Mom’s oncology team has some important information.” Silence drags. I realize he’s waiting on me.

“Yeah, of course. What time? Where?” My entire body tingles with dread. Mom may not be dead yet, but it’s coming. I can feel it.

“One p.m. Oncology department at Cambridge General. Thanks, honey. Love you,” he says, ending the call.

“I need to get ready and go,” I rasp, wiping another round of tears on the back of my hand.

Mia looks up at me briefly. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. Meeting with Mom’s oncology team. It can’t be good news if they want me there.”

“Shit,” Mia mumbles, sitting up, “Go get dressed. I’ll drive you.”

“Thanks for being such a good friend, Mia.”

“You, too, Liv. Go. Get dressed. Hold your head up high and wear something that makes you feel good. Everything will be alright,” she tells me, trying to be optimistic. It won’t, and we both know it, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Twenty minutes later, we’re in Mia’s car. So much for her sage advice. I wore sweatpants, an old t-shirt, and a hoodie Tomas let me borrow.

I take a shuddering breath as downtown comes into focus. The hospital is still about six blocks away, a looming reminder of what’s ahead of me.

“You just need to continue straight. I can see the hospital from here,” I tell Mia, confused as she turns. Her mouth sets into a line.

“No,” I protest as she pulls up next to Tomas’ car.

“It’s time. You need him. He needs you. You need him. Go,” she tells me as I get out. I steel my nerves, get out, waving as she pulls away.

With a shuddering breath, I turn the key and come face-to-face with Tomas. “I’m sorry I didn’t call,” I tell him, wrapping my arms around him. He tenses under my touch.

“You’re mad,” I rasp. I should have expected it. He shakes his head.

“No, but I’m trying to do the right thing here. I don’t want to beat around the bush, Liv. You deserve better than what I can give you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything,” he says, raking a hand through his beard.

I retreat, blinking. “Oh. I see. I have to go to my mom’s oncology appointment. We’ll talk later.” I grab my keys from the hook and leave hastily. I can’t deal with my floundering relationship with Tomas and my dying mother at the same time. I sit in traffic far too long, then find a parking spot in the garage. Every fiber of my being is apathetic by the time I walk through the oncology wing to find Mom and Dad.

“You’ve been hospitalized and nobody told me?” I exclaim.

“We weren’t sure it was the best idea after the situation with Nathan. You must be traumatized,” Dad says, wrapping his arm around me.

I shrug it off. “What’s really traumatizing is when your parents shelter you from an urgent health situation, like your mom withering away from the cancer you didn’t know she has.” They both wince.

“I’m sorry, honey. From now on, we will tell you everything as it happens, okay?” Mom says.

“Okay. When did you get a feeding tube?” I ask, stricken.

“A couple days ago. I can’t keep food down. The team is getting concerned.” Mom has always been thin, but looking at her now, she’s alarmingly thin and frail.

“Is that what they want to talk about today?” I ask, daring to be hopeful.

“No,” they say in unison, looking at one another. A tall blond guy walks in wearing scrubs, giving mom a beaming smile.

“How are we feeling today, Maura?” he asks in a gentle yet demanding voice.

“Meh. My daughter’s here, though. Olivia, this is my oncologist, Dr. Roberts.”

“Nice to meet you,” I croak, shaking his hand.

“Shall we get started?” he asks, the mood turning somber in the blink of an eye.

“Just tell me, Dr. Roberts.” I brace myself for the worst and hope for the best.

“The lesions are not responding to chemotherapy. They’ve spread throughout the lungs. We anticipate you will need oxygen at best, to be trached and vented at worst. We don’t have to decide now, but we need to start thinking about interventions and power of attorney,” he tells us gently. I wonder if they already knew. What the fuck does it matter?

My mom is the first to speak. “I know what I want to do. I want to stop treatment,” Mom says carefully, but with dignity. I get it. She wants to go out on her own terms. It doesn’t make it any easier to hear.

“I was wrong. I can’t handle this,” I mutter, bursting through the hospital door.

There’s no air in my lungs. No strength in my muscles. I’m useless. I’ve failed as a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend—everything. I talk all this bullshit about being strong, hyping myself up, and I can’t be there for people when they need me the most. I didn’t even know my mom had a fucking feeding tube placed.

Mia was right. I talk a big game with all this wise advice about her and Matt and Lex and everyone, but when push comes to shove, I can’t even take care of myself. Tomas was right there the whole goddamn week, and I couldn’t bring myself to call him once. I never once considered his feelings—how scared he must have been, how sad he was about me declining his proposal, and how sorry he was about my mom. I’m so goddamn selfish.

I feel the panic and darkness threatening to swallow me whole. Just as it does, Tomas walks in and presses himself against me, pulling us both to the ground.

“Are you real or am I dreaming?”

“Real,” he says. I trail my fingers through his beard as proof.

“Why are you here?” He doesn’t have to be here if he doesn’t want to. From the sounds of things before I left, he, in fact, did not want to.

“Because I’m an ass, Olivia,” he declares, “and because your mom is dying.”

“Don’t stay on account of pity, Tomas. If you feel like you’d be better without me, please go,” I tell him earnestly.

“That’s not the problem, Olivia. The problem is, I’m fucked up. I’ve abused my power on multiple occasions. I love you with all of my heart, Olivia, but you have a whole life ahead of you. You deserve someone with a better moral compass than me. You deserve someone your own age.” He takes my hand.

“I don’t want someone else. I want you.”

“Someday you’ll look back and thank me for leaving.”

I pull myself off of Tomas’ lap and stand. My legs wobble, and my stomach is still a bit queasy. All I see is red. Like a petulant child, I hurl a chair toward the yellow wall. Then another. And another. Until Dad emerges with Doctor Roberts in tow. Security trails. Everyone watches with pity. I look around with shame.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” I say before bolting.

Tomas chases me. “Olivia, wait.” But I don’t want to. I can’t stand to look at the pitying expressions and pinched eyebrows and tears.

“Stop it, Olivia.” Tomas’ demanding voice stops me in my tracks.

“You want the truth, Olivia? Everyone is walking on eggshells around you in order to protect you. You’re barely handling anything. Your mom needs you throughout this. We’re going to get you into therapy, and we’re going to get through this together. I need you to be brave, okay, Olivia?”

I nod. “Good girl,” he says, kissing my cheek.

I realize together is all I need.