Fracture

11. Stella

CHAPTER 11

STELLA

“I’m a bad person.” Dylan lies in the tub, the whiskey glass dangling from his hand as I massage his scalp.

“No, you’re not.” I rake my fingers over the rough stubble, which has gotten so much longer since he got out. “You’re the best person.”

He tilts his head, his eyes shining with tears as he looks at me. “I left him to die alone. What kind of person does that?”

“The kind who’d been abused by him. You didn’t owe him anything.” I rinse my hands in the water, and cradle Dylan’s face. “You are not a bad person. You’re incredible, and you’re sweet.”

“I’m glad he’s dead.”

“Me too.”

Dylan’s face screws up as though he’s in pain, and he presses the icy glass to his head. “I hated him so much.”

“I know, papi . I know.”

“I wanted him to die in pain, I wanted him to feel everything he’d ever made me feel. And what happened? He just went to sleep.” He sucks in a heavy breath, sitting up in the tub and throwing back the rest of his whiskey, sucking on his teeth as the alcohol burns his throat. “I shouldn’t wish that on anyone, what kind of person does that?”

“Dylan, stop.” I put my arms around him, holding him close as he gasps for air. “Don’t do this to yourself. Please.”

He lays his head against my shoulder with a heavy sigh. “Everyone’s gone now. I don’t have any family anymore.”

“Yes, you do. You have me, and Levi.” I clench my eyes shut, disgust and revulsion burning in my throat like bile. As though to reassure myself, I clutch Dylan closer, not caring that he’s soaking my blouse, or that my knees are aching against the hard tiled floor. I deserve to hurt. I deserve flagellation. After I nearly betrayed the man who’s now gasping for air and feeling alone. I should tell Dylan to run, to save him from more pain, from more hurt, from all the things he doesn’t deserve.

Instead, I hold on to him for dear life, like the selfish bitch I am.

“Will you come with me to the funeral?” He asks after a while.

“Of course I will.”

He pulls back from me, seeming to take in my appearance for the first time as he rubs the heel of his hand under his eye. “You look nice. Did you go to work?”

“Yeah, I had to check some cases, and I decided to go back early.”

“Oh.” Dylan nods, leaning on the edge of the tub. He gazes at me with his dark eyes, and my heart wrenches. “I’m so sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I wanted you, and I wanted to make you feel good. I missed you so bad, and then I pushed you, and I’m so fucking sorry Stella.”

“ Papi , no.” I clasp on to his hand, holding it to my cheek. “You didn’t. I wanted it. I wanted you, I promise. It was just… intense.”

“If you want to wait, I’ll wait. I waited ten years for you, I can wait as long as you need.”

I have no idea how long I’ll need. Not after my confession. I hate myself for telling Levi, for putting this burden on him and straining his relationship with Dylan. Now Dylan needs us, and we have this hanging over us like a black cloud. Shit.

Dylan rises out of the tub, and I get to my feet to hand him a towel.

“When’s the funeral?” I ask as he dries himself.

“Next Friday. I’m tempted to have the old bastard cremated, he’d hate that.” Dylan’s sneer is filled with pain. “But then I think of my dad and I can’t bring myself to do it.”

“See?” I put my arms around him, holding him close and burying my face in the crook of his neck. “You’re a good person. You want to do the right thing by someone who doesn’t even deserve it.”

He encircles me with his arms, holding me tightly against him, and he’s naked and warm and smells amazing. “I’m so glad I have you.”

“You do, you have me.” More lies.

“Can you… Can you come and lie down with me?” He pulls back, his eyes not meeting mine as he hangs his head. “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be alone, but I’m fucking exhausted.”

“Of course.”

I follow him to his bedroom, taking my clothes off as he climbs into bed naked. He eyes me uncertainly as he pulls the sheet back.

“I can put clothes on if you want.”

I shake my head with a smile. “It’s OK. I want to feel your skin.”

He lies down with a weak smile, and he shuts off the light as I crawl in beside him. The night is quiet, and crawling in under his arm, smelling his skin and feeling him against me is like coming home. I sigh, putting my hand on his chest over his heart beat, and he trails his fingertips over the back of my hand.

“I was so scared you’d be married when I got out,” he says quietly. “I’d have been happy for you. I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to find someone who’d treat you right, like you deserve. But I spent 10 years praying you’d wait for me.”

“I don’t think anyone would want to marry me,” I whisper, trying to sound light-hearted, but the pain edges my voice all the same.

“Anyone who puts a ring on your finger would be the luckiest person in the world.”

I bury my face into his chest, wishing I could somehow slip inside him and let him heal all the broken parts of me. “I waited for you. I did.”

He cradles my head against his chest, and kisses my hair. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you that night.”

“Don’t talk about that now.”

He puts a hand around my jaw, forcing me to look up at him. “I should have stayed with you. I would do everything different now, guera . I’d stay with you, I’d hold you, til you stopped crying. I’d kiss you, make sure you were safe and then I’d deal with it properly. I’d be a man, not a stupid fucking little boy.”

“You did what you thought was right.” I wrap my fingers around his wrist, tears welling in my eyes.

“I lost 10 years with you because of what I did. I’ve made so many mistakes, Stella, so fucking many. But you were never one of them.” He pulls me close, his lips brushing against mine. “You’re the only thing that’s ever made sense.”

“You’re the only one who makes my head go quiet,” I tell him, leaning my forehead against his. “With you everything just stops, and it’s just… me.”

“ Te amo, guera .” He kisses me again, harder this time, and I want to let go, I want to wrap myself around him and let him love me in all the ways he needs to. I want to wish myself back to that night, wish that we’d had that first time over, had it the way we deserved to - tenderness and discovery, two young people who loved each other and wanted to find each other.

Instead, just like that night, one of us pulls back tearfully, wrapping their arms around the other and weeping. All the pain spreads over my skin like a bruise, and I hold Dylan as he cries, as he rages against the darkness that surrounds us both.

When he finally falls asleep, I watch his face, and I hate myself again. Because he hoped for me, and I have to let him go. I have to break his heart, I have to take everything from him. I could live a lie. I could. But I can’t do that to him.

I hold him all night, unable to sleep, listening to his heartbeat while it remains whole.

I’m broken. And all I do is break everyone around me.

The sun peeks through the curtains of the bedroom, and I look up at Dylan’s sleeping face.

I have to let him go. But not yet.

Not just yet.

I leave Dylan to sleep and throw on a t-shirt before I creep downstairs. My head’s throbbing and I feel seedy after staying awake all night. I rub my eyes, knowing I’m probably smudging mascara all over my face because I didn’t take my makeup off, but I can’t find it in myself to care.

A message from Lilly is waiting for me when I pick up my phone from where I left it the night before.

Your mom’s in town. She wants to see you.

I groan, and throw the phone back on the table. The last thing I need is to see my mother right now. As if shit wasn’t complicated enough. I scoop coffee into the machine and flip it on, hoping the scent is enough to jump-start my system.

I turn and shriek when I see Levi standing in the doorway.

“Jesus, you scared me.”

“Sorry.” He steps into the kitchen in nothing but boxers, running a hand through his messy blond hair. He eyes me thoughtfully, taking in the t-shirt and the smudged makeup. “Rough night?”

“Dylan’s a mess,” I reply, raking my fingers through my hair to try and look a little less disheveled. “He was really upset last night. Hates himself for not being there when his grandfather died.”

“We should have gone to the hospital.” Levi crosses the kitchen to lean on the island, rolling his neck with a groan. “Instead of-”

“Don’t.” I snap, fixing him with a glare. “I never want to talk about that again.”

“Great, Stella, that’s great.” He advances on me, stopping short and exhaling through gritted teeth. “You know what, you are fucked up. You can’t tell someone you love them, and then expect them to just sit with that like everything is fine.”

“Well gee, thanks.” I resist the urge to slap him. “You can move out, and stay the hell away from me.”

“Fine by me.” His voice is louder now, and I hiss at him.

“Keep your fucking voice down. This is not the time.”

“Oh right, we have to think about Dylan.” He narrows his eyes at me, his expression wild and I know he had as bad a night as I did. “Poor Dylan, who you can’t hurt. You really don’t know anything, do you?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

He snaps his mouth shut, biting his lip as his eyes drop from mine. With a shake of his head, he takes a step back from me. “Nothing. I don’t mean a thing. I’m tired, and I’m being an ass. I’m sorry.” He lifts his gaze to mine, and sighs heavily. “I am. I’m sorry. This is just… hard.”

“I know.” I want to take him in my arms and say everything I said last night again. Instead, I move towards him and take his hand in mine. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just… I feel like all I do is hurt people.”

He notches two fingers under my chin and lifts my face to his. “You don’t, baby girl. You’re a dream. Just not mine, unfortunately.”

I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. “I’m sorry, Levi.”

“I found a place, I’ll be out of here by next week.”

My gaze snaps up to his, and I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I think we both know I do.” He sighs, running his fingers through my hair. “You deserve to be happy. I know you tell yourself that you don’t. But you do.”

“So do you.”

“I guess we’ll just need to find a way to be that, then.” He strokes my cheek gently, a sad smile ghosting over his lips. “My perfect chaos.”

I feel like he’s slipping away from me. I feel like I’m losing him. And because I’m a bitch, because I’m selfish and awful, because all I can think about is being alone and losing them, because I know one day I will, I do the only thing I can.

I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He reacts instantly, like he was waiting for it, like he could see it coming even when I couldn’t. We’re caught in a feverish rush, hands frantically pulling at each other, the desire to drag the other person as close as possible so consuming my head spins. His tongue is hot and urgent as it strokes mine, and his hands move under my ass, scooping me up and placing me on the counter. My legs lock around his hips, pulling him close, and his fingers spear into my hair, forcing my head back so he can deepen the kiss.

“It’s always been you,” he says, panting. “Always, since I saw you in that pink dress, and you smiled at me across the aisle. It’s always been you for me, baby girl.”

I gasp, looking up at him with wide eyes. “All this time?”

“All this time.” His blue eyes meet mine, and he brushes his fingers down my cheek. “I tried so hard to talk myself out of it. I did. But I can’t.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

He laughs softly, curling a strand of my hair around his finger. “Because you were his girl. I couldn’t.. I couldn’t take you away from him.”

“It’s going to kill him,” I say softly.

Levi’s head drops, putting his hands on the counter either side of me. “Stella, there are things you need to know-”

My phone starts to ring, and I groan loudly. “That fucking phone.”

Levi gently pushes my legs away, and steps back to let me climb down off the counter. I slide to the floor, landing on unsteady feet, and take a deep breath before crossing the kitchen to snatch up my phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey cuz!” Lily’s voice is bright and cheery and way too fucking jarring for this time of morning and the mood I find myself in. “Did you get my message?”

“I-I did. I just hadn’t had a chance to respond yet, it’s kind of early, you know?”

“So-rry,” she laughs in a sing-song voice. “So, you free to come for breakfast?”

“I, uh, no, we sort of had a, uh…” I realize Lilly and the rest of the family still don’t know anything about Levi and Dylan staying here, and I have no desire to have that conversation with her right now. “A friend had a family emergency, so I’m-”

“Oh that’s sad.” Lilly sounds less than interested. “Your mom really missed you! She’s so excited to see you!”

“Yeah, I bet.” I shift on my feet, trying to pull the t-shirt down to cover more of my thighs, my cheeks burning. “It’s just-”

“The mimosas will be cold! We’re over at the Riverwood Cafe, you know, the one by the river?” She laughs lightly, and I hear others joining in around her. “Hurry, sweetie! OK, love you, bye!” The line goes dead and I decide to throw my phone off the next bridge.

“Everything alright?” Levi asks, and I can’t even look at him.

“I - my mom’s in town, and she really wants to see me.”

“Been a while since you saw her, huh?” Levi crosses his arms over his chest.

“She came to visit about four years ago, when she was freshly divorced from husband number 6.”

Levi scoffs out a laugh, shaking his head as he retrieves two cups from the glass-fronted cupboard beside him. “Living with her must have been a trip.”

My stomach twists, and that bruised feeling returns as I meet Levi’s eyes with a level gaze. “I haven’t lived with my mother since I was little.”

Levi frowns, his head giving a brief shake. “But where did you live when we… After we…”

“With your mother.” The past comes crashing down on me, all the things they still don’t know, all the things that will keep us apart and they will never understand. I turn away from Levi’s confusion, and shrug. “There’s a lot you still don’t know, and I can’t tell you right now. But I think you and Dylan both know by now, that when you pulled that trigger, neither of you were prepared for what that would mean for me.”

Levi rushes at me, grabbing my arms with his hands, his wide eyes searching my face. “What do you mean? What happened to you?”

I shrug out his grasp, and take a large step back. “Not now.”

“Then when?”

“I don’t know, maybe never.” I take a few more steps back, and bite my lip. I want to tell him. But it’s his mother. “Some things you don’t need to know, Levi. And I can’t hurt anyone else.” I rush up the stairs before he can ask me anything else, before the truth can tumble out of me and spill across the space between us with all the blood and tears those years carried with them.

Up in my bedroom, I have a quick shower, putting on a scant face of makeup and pulling on a sundress. I look for my hairbrush, knocking my book off the night stand as I pull open the drawer. My book flips open, and a black card lands at my feet.

Mallory’s card.

I stare at it for a minute, before shoving it back into the book.

There’s no point. Who would believe me? The words make bile rise in my throat, as my father’s face swims before me. No one will believe you, sweetness. Who are you? Nobody. Nothing.

I grab my purse and hurry out of the house, pasting the smile on my face as I go to meet my mother for the first time in years.