From Air (Wildfire)

Chapter Forty-Three

Another white lie.

Another holiday filled with forced smiles and small talk.

Grandma accepts my excuse for Jamie’s sudden absence—that they were short staffed at the hospital due to several nurses being sick. And I fly with her back to San Bernardino on Saturday, then return home on Sunday.

“Where have you been?” Maren asks when I enter the house with my overnight bag. “And why didn’t you send pictures? I’ve messaged Jamie a hundred times to see if she’ll spill the beans or send me a photo of her diamond ring. But she’s not responding.” Maren stands from the sofa, stretching. “Spill, Fitz. I want all the details.”

I head up the stairs. “There’s nothing to share.”

I barely reach my bedroom threshold before she’s on my tail. “What happened? Did she say no?” she asks with incredulity.

Tossing my bag on the bed, I then unzip it and remove my dirty clothes. “I didn’t propose.”

“Why not?”

“Maren.” I pause my hands and close my eyes. “Can we not discuss it now?”

“Fine. I’ll call Jamie until she answers.” She pivots and exits my room.

“Stop,” I say, pinching the bridge of my nose. I don’t face her, but I can hear her feet padding back in my direction. “She recently discovered that her mom lied to her. Her mom wasn’t her mom. She was her aunt. Her biological mom died in conjunction with the fire that killed my parents.”

“Oh my god. That’s awful.”

“No.” I turn. “The awful part is that her father started the fire.”

Maren’s jaw slowly unhinges. “How . . . what . . . wh—”

“Don’t. Just don’t ask me anything else. I don’t know anything else. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

“Poor Jamie,” Maren murmurs.

“What?” I flinch. “Poor Jamie ? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Maren jumps. “Fitz, I ... I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that your family’s death is not her fault. I’m not trying to downplay the seriousness of what happened to your family. The whole thing was a tragedy for so many people. But she was just a child when it happened. She lost her biological mom. She lost the woman who raised her. She lost the man she thought was her father. And now she’s dealing with the revelation that everything was a lie, and her birth father is responsible for so many lost lives? I’m sorry, but that is horrific.”

“So what? Am I supposed to overlook everything? Get down on one knee and ask her to be my wife, so for the rest of my life, I have an in-person reminder of the man who murdered my family?”

Maren takes several steps and wraps her arms around my waist, resting her cheek against my chest. “I’m sorry, Fitz. No. I don’t mean that at all. I shouldn’t have said that. It was terrible timing. Jamie’s not here. You are. My reaction was insensitive. I know you must be hurting.” She releases me, retreating several steps toward the door. “I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I know you love her. And I understand if that’s not enough.”

Love her.

My heart can’t make sense of its feelings for Jamie. Something was severed that day. And maybe I don’t know how I feel about Jamie because I can’t feel. Or maybe there’s nothing left to feel.

Maren starts to pull my door shut behind her but stops. “I’m here for you the way you were there for me when Brandon died. Okay?”

I nod slowly. After she shuts the door, I finish unpacking my bag and slide it under my bed. I pick up my mom’s diamond ring from the top of the dresser and stare at it. I was ready to stop looking back at my tragic past because Jamie was worth taking a risk, for a life I never dared to imagine. And when I was with her, I didn’t think about my parents and sister. She was the ultimate distraction.

Now she’s the ultimate reminder.

My light became my darkness.

“How the fuck did this happen?” I mumble, opening the top drawer and depositing the ring next to a few watchbands and spare buttons.