Full Court Love (Love on the Sidelines #1)

23. Lucy

CHAPTER 23

LUCY

I have called Jordan close to fifty times since yesterday. No answer. I’ve been met with radio silence. I wanted to give him space after last night, but I know his parents left this morning. I already had practice, and my game isn’t until tomorrow. My day is clear, and I want to be with him.

I mean, I always want to be with him.

That’s obvious.

But especially today, after everything he went through yesterday, I want to take care of him. I want to comfort him. I want him to know it didn’t change my feelings whatsoever. I still want to be with him more than anything.

I’m not na?ve, either. I recognize that the weight he carries will become a weight we share. But I want that burden if it lightens his. I might not be able to take away any of the pain or hurt his father causes, but I sure as hell can love him through it all.

I grab my keys, storming to my car as the realization washes over me.

I’m so angry at him for ignoring me right now…because I love him. How dare he keep me at arm’s length when all I re ally want is to hold him and kiss him and tell him I’m not going anywhere? He has no right to do that.

After a short drive, I park on the curb and jog up the stairs to his apartment. I bang my fist on the door, and Tyler opens it. His eyes widen.

“Lucy, what’s wrong?”

Pushing past him, I realize how odd it is that Jordan’s never had me over. I don’t even know which door goes to his room. Their apartment is nice. Simple, but nice. Why was he keeping this from me?

I whip around to Tyler. “Which one’s his room?”

He silently points and I storm over, whipping open the door. My anger is instantly deflated at the sight that greets me.

Jordan is sitting on a mattress on the floor, back leaning up against the wall, staring at the ceiling. The rest of the room is essentially empty. I’m starting to understand why he never invited me here, and that breaks my heart further.

His clothes are neatly stacked and he has a small TV, but otherwise, there’s not much else. Then I notice the small shelf full of my book recommendations. I didn’t even know he’d bought most of these, let alone was trying to read them all. It makes me love him even more.

There’s no anger left in me.

Compassion takes its place.

Jordan’s head drops down, eyes meeting mine, when he hears the door. He won’t maintain eye contact, instead turning away and looking out the window. The expression on his face is one of absolute dejection. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I walk over and plop myself down across from him, grabbing his hands.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

I squeeze his hand, willing him to look at me.

“Sorry about all the calls. I realize now you probably just needed space and I was terrible at giving it to you. ”

I meant it to be lighthearted, but I now feel selfish for being such a pest. It was a helpless feeling, not being able to help or even talk to him.

We sit in silence for a while. I don’t know what he wants, so I figure right now I can just be with him in the pain. When he finally does meet my eyes again, he’s wearing a look I’ve never seen on his face before. It’s almost a mask.

His jaw is set. I can see the muscles tensing in his face as he drops my hands.

“I don’t just need space, Lucy. I don’t think we can do this anymore.”

My face certainly conveys my confusion. He doesn’t wait for me to respond before continuing.

“It wasn’t fair of me to draw you into this mess. You have a lot to lose. Your career is bigger than me and my baggage. And your family…”

He drifts off as I fight the tears pricking my eyes. This can’t be real. It feels like an out-of-body experience, like I’m watching something terrible happening to someone else. This can’t actually be happening to me. This is the man I was going to tell that I loved him.

This is the man I was picturing my future with. Law school for him, professional basketball for me.

This is the man I was picturing having children with and growing old with. Games of one-on-one and HORSE until our knees couldn’t handle it anymore.

My heart is shattering into shards that are now slicing my insides apart.

I haven’t felt this since my dad died.

I never thought I’d feel this pain again. I was so careful with my heart. I was so guarded. But I gave him the power to hurt me, and he’s using it. He’s taking the decision away from me.

Through my tears, I’m now pissed off. “So, that’s it? I get no say? You’ve decided we aren’t worth it. I’m not worth it. ”

His stony facade slips for a moment, and I see the torment he’s enduring underneath.

His words are quiet. “You know that’s not true. I couldn’t live with myself if I was the cause of you not getting everything you’ve wanted. Everything you’ve worked for. I can’t be selfish.”

“But what if you’re what I want?”

My voice cracks. I close my eyes as the tears I’m fighting come with force.

He turns his vacant stare back to the ceiling. “Lucy, please. Please understand that my greatest fear is hurting you.”

I chuckle bitterly. “What exactly do you think is happening right now?”

He meets my eyes again, his face betraying the torment inside.

“I would rather have to bear the sacrifice of not being with you and hurting you now than ruin the rest of your life. You saw my dad. If he doesn’t succeed in bleeding you dry, you must know that his example is all I’ve ever seen. A sad, depressed man in a broken marriage. That’s the blueprint I’ve been given.”

My eyes are downturned. I can’t look at him. The tears are forming a puddle on the blanket in front of me. “But that isn’t you. I know you.”

“I can’t protect you from this.” His voice breaks, but he forces the words out. “All I want to do is make you happy and keep you safe. This is the only way I can guarantee that happens.”

As I look up at him, my sadness morphs back into anger.

“Guarantee? Do you think there are any guarantees at all in this life? Do you think we are ever fully immune to suffering? I can tell you firsthand, that is not the case.”

I have a flashback to my dad’s funeral. The pain, the longing. Watching my mom’s heart shatter as she held his hand one last time .

We can’t guarantee a damn thing.

All we can do is hold on to the moment. Hold on to the people who are right in front of us while they’re still there.

So how dare he take away the happiness we could share? And the love? How dare he not let me love him like I want to?

I stand up. My words are quiet, but my tone is dripping with fury.

“I think you’re a coward. You’re terrified to have something good that you might lose. You’re terrified to stand up to your dad. And you’re terrified that even if I stay now, one day I might decide you aren’t worth it. So rather than risk anything, you’ve decided to run away and hide.”

I’m at the door now. I turn back one last time, praying he’ll beg me to stay or hold me one more time.

Praying he’ll show me that he’s willing to fight for us.

But he’s just sitting there, staring out the window, like a depressed statue.

So, I leave quietly.

The rest of my day flashes by in a blur. I don’t remember getting home or eating or much of anything. I do know that Taylor Swift comforts me as only she can. All my roommates are out of town for their various sports–the track team is training in California, volleyball is playing in a spring tournament in Texas, and soccer has a game in Maryland.

This means I can blast music so loud that it drowns out my thoughts because I can’t deal with those right now. Tomorrow is too big a game.

When game day inevitably comes, I play I Can Do It with a Broken Heart on repeat through my earbuds. Normally I would chat with my teammates in the locker room, but I might slap Sasha across the face if she says even one word to me.

It’s hard not to blame her for everything that’s gone down.

I know Jordan made the call, but she broke an agreement in order to force us into a corner. I guess I blame them both. The two people who’ve ruined my life. I never would’ve thought I’d associate Jordan with that snake, but here we are.

Jacey taps my shoulder, and I remove an earbud.

“Hey, Lucy, is everything okay? You’re unnaturally quiet.”

I take a deep breath, about to give her the gist of the breakup, when Sasha saunters over. Apparently someone was eavesdropping.

“Yeah, girl, are you good? Looking a little tired. And have you been crying? Oh, no. What happened?”

Her smirk is thinly veiled. Finally, her conniving has paid off and her plan worked. Unfortunately for her, there’s one consequence she might not have foreseen: nice little “turn-the-other-cheek” Lucy is currently on vacation. I give her a smile that I can only imagine makes me look like a serial killer.

My tone is low, but the whole locker room seems to be paying attention.

Good.

“Here’s the thing, Sasha. You would probably do well never to speak to me again.”

I take a small step toward her, and her smile falters. None of these girls have ever seen me like this before. It’s so quiet as I continue, I swear I can hear the popcorn popping out at the concession stand.

“In fact, I’m desperately praying we won’t ever cross paths again after this season ends. If anyone wants to know why, I’m happy to tell them. Or you can. Just be sure to include every nuanced detail of how you ruined two people’s lives.”

I brush past her toward the door but turn back for my mic-drop moment.

“Thanks for all your concern, though. Means a lot.”

The door closes behind me and I pause for a moment to hear the aftermath, but the locker room stays quiet. Then I hear the door open, and a few girls come up and hug me from behind.

“That was amazing! I’ve been waiting for you to finally fight back.”

“Gosh, I’ve wanted to shut her up for so long.”

“You are my hero, Lucy!”

I laugh as I walk to the court for warmups, wondering if I did the right thing. I feel bad that I just embarrassed her, but I’ve been her doormat for years. At some point, actions have consequences.

As the high from standing up to Sasha wears off, I’m left with my own thoughts once again. I’m trying to stay locked in on the game, but my eyes keep darting around the arena.

I’m looking for one person. A person I have no business wanting to see right now.

The clock reads two minutes to game time when I see him walk in.

He still came.

I’m oddly relieved, but also livid at him. I’m both glad he’s here and angry that he thinks he has a right to watch me play. And I’m definitely still in love with him. I can’t stop checking to be sure I’m not imagining that he’s here.

With all of this going on, I’m not focused on the game whatsoever.

This could only go poorly.