Gift-Wrapped in a Kilt (Hot Scots #4)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Jamie averted her gaze to the loch, hoping the glassy surface and the dark waters beneath would entrance her so she wouldn't have to answer Gavin's question. This unusually warm fall day had seemed like the perfect opportunity to spend more time with him, to talk about their problems, to reach some kind of conclusion about their future together. Naturally, he had to bring up the one topic she did not want to discuss.

After everything he'd confessed to her a moment ago, how could she not lay bare her own secrets? She'd avoided this topic for eighteen months, going so far as to omit her relationship with Trevor from any discussions of her past.

"You can tell me," Gavin said, sounding as sincere as he looked. "Come on, please, trust me. I'm not mad you didn't tell me, but I'd like to know why."

Oh, when he gave her that look and spoke in that voice, she wanted to cuddle up on his lap like a puppy and let him rub her belly all day long. Let him soothe away her fears. Let him make her forget they had any problems to sort out.

"I didn't tell you," she said, speaking slowly, the only way she could keep her voice calm, "because I'm ashamed of it. Ashamed of what I became for him."

Gavin didn't speak. He listened, with no anger or disappointment evident on his face, nothing but empathy visible there.

His understanding only made her feel worse.

She folded her hands on her lap, fingers woven together, and concentrated on her hands while she spoke. "I've never told anyone what happened with me and Trevor. Not even Cat or Fiona. Nobody knows. They all think I got bored with Trevor and ended things. I can't blame them for thinking it. I used to say I wanted to fall in love at every opportunity until I finally found my Prince Charming." She huffed at her own idiocy. "Silly and self-centered, isn't it?"

"No, not at all." Gavin reached out to touch her knee but pulled his hand away before making contact. "You told me the same thing when we first met. I loved the way you were so open to love, not afraid at all. I kind of envied that about you."

Though she kept her head down, she swung her gaze up to peek at him through a fall of her hair. "Why would you envy that? I play with men, knowing full well I'll never really love any of them."

"Baloney. You're the sweetest, most loving person I've ever known."

"Except for Calli." Was that a hint of bitterness in her voice? She couldn't be jealous of Gavin's relationship with his sister. Jamie loved Calli like they were sisters too.

Gavin tugged at his shirt collar. "Let's revisit that subject later. I want to know about Trevor."

Though he still spoke with a gentle tone, he'd tensed his jaw, almost gritting his teeth. After a second, he relaxed with a visible effort, blowing out a breath. She couldn't decide if he was angry about her Calli comment or anxious about hearing the story of her time with Trevor Langley.

Maybe both.

Jamie couldn't look at him when she spoke. "I met Trevor five and a half years ago. He came to Scotland on holiday to celebrate graduating university. We ran into each other at the store when I was buying lip balm and he was looking for sunscreen. I showed him where to find it, and we got to talking. He was charming and clever, attractive and well-spoken. Of course I wanted to fall in love with him. He seemed like a prince straight out of a fairy tale. He even had a title, Sir Trevor Langley."

"Seriously? The English Ass is titled. Figures."

"English Ass?"

"That's the title I gave him. It's way more appropriate." Gavin tickled her cheek with his fingertip. "You could've been Mrs. Sir Langley."

"I would've been Lady Langley, but I didn't care about that." She decided to ignore the slight growl in his voice when he spoke Trevor's title or his name. The English Ass, as Gavin had named him, enjoyed lording his title over everyone who didn't have a title. Never mind that as a baronet he wasn't even a member of the peerage. He still felt superior about it.

"Go on," Gavin said. "You can tell me about Sir Smiles-A-Lot."

The tiniest laugh bubbled out of her. Gavin's creativity in assigning derogatory nicknames to Trevor made her happy. How strange.

"After three weeks together," Jamie said, "I told Trevor I loved him. He said he felt the same. Since he'd overstayed his two-week holiday, he invited me to go home with him to England to meet his family. I'd been to London a few times visiting Lachlan when he lived there, but that was years before. Trevor had a flat in Greenwich, but his widowed mother and extended family lived in the country. I couldn't pass up the chance to see the English countryside."

"What's his family like?"

"Stuffy. They asked what my father's title is. When I said we call him Da, well, Trevor's mother wasn't amused." Jamie picked at her dress, remembering the expression on the woman's face when Jamie had dared to make a joke to Trevor's mother. "The Langleys don't have a sense of humor. Trevor was different around his family and friends, more haughty and upper-crusty. He apologized to his family for my lack of family title or social rank. He bloody apologized. Asked them to grant me leeway because I was raised in the boonies of Scotland."

Yes, she remembered that bit very clearly. Trevor had made her family sound like a clan of heathens who slathered on blue paint every day and rampaged across the English border for a lark.

Gavin didn't say anything, and she appreciated that more than he could know. Sharing all of this was harder than she'd expected.

"I stayed two days at his family's estate," she said, "then I asked Trevor to take me back to his flat. He did. Everything went well between us after that, mostly because he never took me to see his family again. We alternated visiting each other over the next few months. Sometimes I'd go to London, and other times he'd come to Scotland. He seemed to love the Highlands as much as I did. I tried to love London, but the city wasn't for me. I never told him that, though. We had good times together, but he preferred not to spend much time with my family. I didn't argue about it. In fact, I spent more days with him than with my sisters or brothers."

She glanced up at Gavin, expecting to glimpse annoyance on his face. After all, she'd admitted to forsaking her family to make Trevor happy. She'd refused to give up her family for Gavin. Maybe she hadn't explicitly stated it, but Gavin was clever enough to deduce the truth. Still, he watched her with a calm expression, his focus intently on her with no trace of irritation.

Unease trickled through her, little drops of discomfort that cooled her on the inside. She picked at the grass, plucking one blade at a time then discarding each.

Why wasn't he angry? She'd avoided her family to make Trevor happy, but she insisted Gavin must get along with everyone including her brothers. He ought to rail at her.

He lay back on the grass, braced on his elbows, the picture of serenity.

Jamie ripped a clump of grass from the earth, crushing it in her fist. "Why are ye sitting there like that? Donnae ye see? I gave up my family to make Trevor happy."

"Yep, I got that part."

"Why aren't you shouting at me?"

He pulled his head back, chin tucked. "When have I ever yelled at you?"

Never, of course. Even when he got angry, he didn't shout.

"I'm sorry," she said, glaring at the clump of destroyed grass in her palm. "I know you wouldn't speak to me that way, but you must be upset at hearing what I did for Trevor. I hardly saw my family for months. Back then, I was finishing my degree at university, but I would come home often. Once I got involved with Trevor, I rarely came home."

Gavin took a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly, his attention always on her.

She scratched her arm, afflicted with a sudden, deep itch. "Five months into our relationship, Trevor proposed. I said yes without hesitation, without thinking about it. Being married sounded wonderful, everything I'd dreamed of since I was a little girl."

Her skin crawled, and Gavin consumed another bite of sandwich.

Jamie slapped her hand on the ground. "Donnae ye have anything to say?"

"I'm letting you tell your story." He set down his sandwich. "Thought that was the right way to handle the situation. Keep my trap shut and let you talk."

His tone stayed mild to match his expression, though he seemed a touch befuddled.

She mumbled noises that didn't quite become words. What did she want from him? Anger? A passionate outburst against Trevor? She had no idea.

Gavin sighed and sat up, one hand flat on the ground to prop up his body. "I know you two broke up. Why don't you tell me what went down?"

"A month after I said yes," she told him, "Trevor announced I had to cut all ties with my family, quit university, and become a proper English lady. I would be a lady, officially. Lady Langley. He seemed to think I should be grateful he'd chosen me for the honor. Finally, I put my foot down. I would not give up my entire life for him when he gave up nothing in return. That's when he told me he'd made a great sacrifice for me. He'd asked a Scottish bumpkin to marry him."

Gavin's jaw tightened, and a muscle jumped there, but he stayed silent.

"For the first and only time in my life," she said, "I stood up for myself. I called off the engagement."

"Bet the English Ass loved that."

She made an irritated noise. "He'd told me I was good in bed but immature, the way I clung to my family. He'd made a terrible mistake, he said, believing a fling could become a relationship. It was time for him to find a more appropriate lover."

Gavin's eyes became slits, his mouth set in a dangerous line. He looked fit to throttle her ex-fiancé.

A thrill raced through her. She shouldn't enjoy knowing her current lover wanted to pummel her former lover, but she did.

"I found out," she continued, "Trevor had been pretending to like the Highlands, pretending to care about the things that mattered to me, planning to transform me into the kind of woman a baronet deserved. Like he was Henry Higgins and I was Eliza Doolittle." A hissing growl blustered out of her nostrils. "He made a fool of me."

After she'd ended the engagement, Trevor had felt the need to shame her. She remembered his words like he'd said them yesterday.

"Little Jamie," he'd said in a cloying tone, "I've had a rollicking time in bed with you, but sex is all we ever had. Your family has no title, no ancestral lands, nothing but a love of whisky and revolting sausage made from sheep stomachs. Did you honestly believe I enjoyed choking down haggis to make you happy? And your family, they are the worst sort of bumpkins I've ever met."

Bumpkins. Her family. No one had ever called them that in her life.

He hadn't ended there, though. "I've asked you many times to come live with me in London, but you won't leave the bleeding Highlands. You are a child, Jamie, and I doubt you'll ever wrench yourself away from your mother's apron strings. And your brothers…" His mouth took on an ugly slant. "As long as you cling to them, you will never grow up. I need a real woman, one worthy of sharing my title. You are not the one for me. You are not even a woman, but a wee lassie who has no conception of what love is."

Jamie told Gavin all of this. The words spilled from her lips like a spigot had been torn off and water gushed out of it. When she'd finished, she was staring numbly down at her lap while wringing her hands.

One of Gavin's hands settled over hers, stilling her anxious movements.

If she glanced up at him, she might burst into tears.

"You must have really loved him," Gavin said, his voice soft and gentle.

"What?" She lifted her head, searching his face. "Why would you say that?"

"Because you were willing to give up your family for him." His hand on hers stiffened. "I know how much your family means to you, so you must've really loved Trevor."

More than you love me . She heard the unspoken ending to that statement. He couldn't believe it, though. He knew how much he meant to her.

But would she give up her family for him? A huge part of her wanted to give him anything to keep him in her life, but she couldn't do it. Not again.

She took a few breaths before responding. "I'd convinced myself I loved him, but I was wrong. I've always loved the idea of being in love, but I never had a serious relationship until Trevor. I treated romance as a pastime, something to do for fun. Falling in love at every opportunity." She scoffed at her own tagline. "That's over. I'm done trying to please everyone else. I know what I need, and I won't settle for less."

"What exactly are you saying?"

"My family will always be important to me."

He kept his hand over hers, but he twisted his mouth into a half scowl. "I'm doing the best I can with your brothers. Me and Aidan, we're cool. Figure I'll try Lachlan next and save Rory for last."

"Because you hate him."

With a groan, he jerked his hand away. "I don't hate Rory. I hardly know the guy."

"You haven't tried to know him." She crossed her arms over her chest. "You expect me to accept Calli will always be your priority, but you can't even bother to speak to Rory."

"Calli is not my priority. She's my sister."

"Who can do no wrong." Jamie realized she was overreacting and behaving like a bitch, but she couldn't stop the words from tumbling past her lips. "Where do you live, Gavin? You said you're staying but didn't say for how long. Are you moving to Scotland?"

"We can talk about that later."

"Because the answer is no. You hate Scotland like Trevor did."

"I —" He flapped his arms. "I'm here, aren't I? I'm staying so we can work this out. I'm trying to make nice with your brothers. What more do you want from me? I haven't heard you say you'd be willing to pick up stakes and move to America to be with me. Seems like this is a one-sided thing. It's your way or no way."

She opened her mouth to say something she would probably regret as soon as she spoke it, but he cut her off.

"What are you willing to give up for me?" he demanded.

"Give up? I made that mistake once," she said. "No man is worth giving up my family, my home, my dreams. I wanted to become a schoolteacher, like Iain used to be but with children instead of college students. I never did find a teaching job. Trevor thought working with 'sniveling brats' was beneath me. Beneath him, actually. I let him rule my life. Everything I did was for him, to make him happy, to be good enough for him. If you can't accept me, accept my family, then we have no future together."

"Your brother stole my sister. I lost my family, but you won't even consider making a sacrifice for me."

"Stole your sister? Aidan and Calli fell in love."

"Yeah, and she had to move to Scotland to be with him. She made the sacrifice, not him." Gavin grabbed his sandwich and hurled it into the picnic basket. "Erica moved here for Lachlan. Emery moved here for Rory. I'm starting to see a pattern with the MacTaggarts. They seduce Americans away from their families to become part of their Scottish cult."

"Cult?" Jamie leaped to her feet. "Is that what you think of my family?"

Gavin jumped up too. He opened his mouth and then shut it, bowed his head and then scrubbed his face with both hands. When he raised his head again, he looked stricken. "God, Jamie, I'm sorry. We're both emotional after the things we told each other, but I don't know how this conversation got so messed up. We have issues about our families. That's not something we can work out today, it'll take time. You're right, I need to talk to Calli and figure out some things. But you need to figure out a few things too, like why you need your brothers' approval so much."

The conversation had taken a sudden and unpleasant turn. Maybe he was right. Confessing their darkest secrets had left them emotionally raw, and they'd taken it out on each other.

What if they couldn't sort this out? The question haunted her.

He took a tentative step toward her. "I love you, but if we can't work through this stuff, you're right. We won't have a future."

"I know."

Neither of them moved for a moment, their gazes bound to each other. Then they packed up their picnic and got back on their bicycles.

Nothing had changed, but somehow, everything had.